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The Mighty Hercules: Nightmare Fuel: Hissing
Reviewed: 04/16/2016
More Monsters Than You Can Hiss At!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2017 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
The Powerless Hercules: So we head for episode #77 and begin this episode in the Lernaean Forest with a western pan shot as we head in a dead area of the forest with Daedalus and Dydo looking at something under a white cloth. The narrator claims that Daedalus' scheme is the strangest of them all. Not the most evil of them all; the strangest of them all. Daedalus mentions something called the Phoenix Stone as we hear Newton Two-Two and Tewt coming in from the west. Daedalus tells Dydo that he knows what to do and Daedalus bails stage left. Yes folks; the diseased cat is going to do his ten seconds of work today, making Dydo a heel Zipper. Daedalus hides behind a tree as he explains that the Phoenix Stone saps Hercules of his strength and transfers it to him. Okay; for those of you who know Phoenix mythology; the Phoenix is supposed to raise the dead as if they are alive, not drain strength and transfer it over to another. That stone should be known as the Blood Stone; or Absorbing Stone, or even the Sapping Stone. So the two idiot babyfaces walk past the tree without noticing anything; but Daedalus don't care about them anyway, even though Hercules is spotted right away noticing Daedalus right away. Of course; Newton and Tewt turn around as Daedalus challenges him to a test of strength and Hercules thinks Daedalus has lost his mind. Jump cut to Dydo uncovering the cloth to the Phoenix; which looks like a chunk of diamond. Weird cheese whiz waves emitt from it and nail Hercules and Daedalus flush in the chest. Daedalus is now carrying a bow and arrow for some odd reason. So we start with the bow & arrow challenge as Daedalus wants Hercules to lift a boulder and fling it into the air. So what is the point of the bow and arrow, then? Stupid logic break. Speaking of stupid logic; Hercules goes over to the boulder, but he cannot lift it up. Daedalus comes over and tosses the boulder up with ease into the air; then Daedalus taunts Hercules because Hercules cannot even pull the bow properly anymore. That is one effective sapping stone there, sir. Geez; saying "Suffering psyche" is the understatement of that decade, Newton! Daedalus fires his bow and the arrow flies with ease and crumbles the bolulder into pieces. Daedalus finally reveals his motive for this which is the same in every episode: Become king of Caledon. Hercules refuses to give in; so Daedalus simply shoves him and punches Hercules in the belt over and over again.
Even worse; Daedalus shoves Hercules in the face over and over again, because we cannot have shots to the face even in the 1960's. Hercules is backed up against a tree and Daedalus beats down Hercules so much that Newton cannot even speak! Yay; the number one heel shut up that annoying centaur. Tewt; the most useful sidesick of the bunch bails and finds the Phoenix Stone, and somehow knows how to practice the fine art of not being seen by Dydo. Tewt then decides to be an ass and blow his syrinx at Dydo causing it to screech. Tewt toots to Newton Two-Two as Newton comes over and basically notices what we knew about two minutes ago. Jump cut to Hercules doing pushups with his legs against the tree. So Newton grabs the Phoenix Sapping Stone of Doom and aims it for Daedalus' chest first; so that it reverses the effects back to Hercules. Fade to black (WWWHHHYYYY?!) and Hercules puts on the ring; which I think is a bastard thing to do since I have no doubt, Hercules could beat Daedalus without it. It's done to waste twenty seconds or so. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! If the ring gives him power; why bother with the Phoenix Stone reversal then? This sounds like overkill to me. Oh; Newton neighes and the stone hated it so much that it turned black and explodes in Newton's hand. OUCH! That has got to leave a mark on Newton's suffering psyche. Daedalus backs up; and Hercules still punches him in the face once off-screen and Daedalus flies right onto the boulder looking dizzy. Hercules grabs the boulder and throws it into the air and where it lands, does anyone care? Newton and Tewt wave goodbye to the flying boulder as Hercules turns around and flies away stage northwest to do his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:25. Simple; but fun. I give it ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the stupid name of the stone and Daedalus ultra stupid shove slaps to Hercules' face. * 3/4 (35%).
The Evil Weapon: Time for the final episode of season two (#86) as we head to what appears to be Daedalus' cave; but it's really Wilhemine's cave. How do I know? The green parrot Elvira is perched on a tree nearby. We hear Wilhemine's cackles and Elvira enters the cave and perches itself on a table with a doll model of Helena covered in a white cloth. I know this because Wilhemine's major gimmick is that she hates Helena with a passion since Helena is prettier than she is. Elvira caws as Wilhemine asks what is the matter as she explains that the doll is made from the tree of Talus as she unveils it as a model of Helena unpainted. Which shows that Wilhemine's hate is actually justified as she takes the doll and bails. Apparently; she is going to use it to turn Helena into something that will make Hercules hate Helena forever. So we head to the ruins of Reeses with Wilhemine in the foreground clutching the doll and walking. Sadly; there are no hidden peanut butter cups in the area. Scene change to Wilhemine hiding behind a building which doesn't look ruined. Pan west to see Newton, Tewt and Helena waiting for Hercules like in every episode of this series. Helena acts all bored claiming that she wants to see him as Wilhemine asks if Hercules wants to see her. So Wilhemine calls forth the evil doll of Talus to shoot lighting bolt up Helena's back, which I guess gives her the strength of ten men now. If it was up her ass; then it would be a thousand. Lots of lightning and noise ensues and this makes her look like ann evil heel eyes (and brows) and gives her a darker shade of skin. Newton turns around and asks what's wrong and Helena blows him off and calls him a stupid centaur. HA! Newton is confused by this as Helena waves her fingers and that makes gravity turn on Newton as he floats into the air. Newton demands to be let down (at least he didn't say "put me down"; that would have been awful) and Helena stops wiggling and Newton free falls. Newton screams for help and Helena wiggles her fingers again to cause Newton to float in the air again. Wait; that's really stupid of Evil Helena. In walks Hercules slowly as Wilhemine decides to get out of his sight as Hercules gets to watch Newton act like a vertical yo-yo. Hercules demands answers as this distracts Helena and Newton freefalls. Great Zeus, indeed; but Hercules grabs the stupid centaur and that is that. Tewt instantly bails stage right; because he's the most useful sidekick in this show believe it or not.
So Hercules is all cross with Newton as Newton explains that Helena has turned into an (evil) scorcress as we see Tewt turn the corner and find Wilhemine right away. Wilhemine's attempt to hide with Tewt is so pathetic that she basically went left and basically give time for Tewt to find her easier and even when she's exposed; she doesn't grab Tewt at all as Tewt bails stage left and heads back to Hercules to exchange notes on the situation. Hercules rushes after Wilhemine and Wilhemine orders evil Helena to stop him. Helena invokes the WIGGLE FINGERS OF DEATH as gravity has now turned on Hercules. Never mind that Newton and Hercules in this cartoon literally defy gravity when they race back to Mount Olympus in the earlier season one episodes. Helena then invokes the WIGGLE FINGERS OF DEATH on a ruined building and instead of throwing it into Hercules; she simply tips it and it crumbles. More wiggle fingers on one singular piece of stone as Hercules panics. Then Hercules puts on his ring and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! So the floating stone rushes Hercules and Hercules invokes the power of the punch to crumble it into pieces with ease. This is repeated about a hundred times as we jump cut to Newton pointing out that this will continue on forever if Wilhemine isn't stopped. Wilhemine agrees and that's bad for her because all the debris falling down buries Wilhemine into a stone shaving tomb as she loses the Helena doll of Talus in the process. See; even Evil Helena hates Wilhemine, it's called irony. Hercules jumps down somehow; runs in and grabs the Talus doll and breaks it in half with an explosion, turning Helena back into a untanned babyface again. Wilhemine is so shocked and appalled that she bails stage right as Helena wonders how terrible it is to be evil as Hercules does his catchphrase and Newton to wink to the hard camera to end the episode at 4:28. When Helena being a heel is more useful and more effective than babyface Helena; your writers have issues with women. I'm just saying. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale just for Evil Helena and Wilhemine falling on her own sword like a stupid idiot. * 1/2 (30%).
The Sinister Statue: Time for another season three episode (#112) as we head to ruined kingdom of Selenus as we see Newton with the moonstone belt on looking at a large crumbled building that looks like it could fall at any moment; but is still standing for whatever reason. We hear a lot of whispering and then we hear Daedalus' voice chuckling as Newton gets up the steps. Considering that he is a centaur; I do not buy how easy it is for him to get him those steps. Those steps would have to be ten times the size of an average step in order for Newton to climb them. Newton gets into the ruined castle and I'm wrong because the guy hiding behind the tipped wooden beam in the background is Murtis the Iron Mask. I should have not guessed this considering Daedalus and Murtis have the exact same voice (let alone same voice actor). Murtis calls him a stupid centaur within seconds and the second one who surrounds Newton is Wilhemine of course. Wilhemine goes to the CHEST OF DEMONS and opens it to reveal an irony stone statue of a barefoot giant. It's known as the Dread Statue of Selenus hidden by an ancient wizard ages ago. Ummm; you do realize you just stole the statue from Daedalus? You're not fooling anyone, Murtis. So it's set on it's feet and it grows big after some glowing until it reaches the height of ten men; which is 60 feet in height. Sounds reasonable to me. Once it reaches that height, it will obey all of Wilhemine's commands. Giant breaks through the ceiling as Newton's psyche is suffering again. Newton opens the belt and the moon beam shines through the window towards Mount Olympus as Murtis dares him to summon Hercules. And speaking of him; here he comes via the background animation and lands on the railed area leading to the entrance of the castle. Newton comes out to greet him and then gets grabbed by either Wilhemine or Murtis. It's impossible to tell since all three villains in this show have the same arm look. Okay; it's Murtis as he comes out and dares Hercules to stop him since Newton is Murtis' hostage. Now; you would think that Hercules would have figured out that one trip causes Murtis to lose the Mask Of Vulcan right? Nope! Hercules proceeds to punch Murtis with the Mask of Vulcan complete with thunderbolt effects. This is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever seen in this cartoon; making Hercules look totally stupid in the process and there's no excuse since this is one of the last episodes of the series. STUPID!
Murtis shoves Hercules in the face and Hercules does an awkward flip bump over the stone trimming and crashes off-screen onto the grassy ground in front of a pillar of the castle. Jump cut to Newton yelling at Hercules to hurry up because the stone statue is about to come to life any minute now. Too late; it's already alive barely three minutes in. Did I just say? Oh, never mind. Great Zeus; that is the most contrived twisting of the neck I have ever seen. So Hercules grabs the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! So Hercules shakes the obvious pillar I mentioned a number of seconds earlier which Murtis is above it like a goddamn idiot and the floor crumbles and Murtis falls, losing the mask just like that. Murtis lands on stone bricks looking to be dead. I doubt he actually is as Hercules jumps up and runs into the castle to find Newton and Wilhemine with the giant golem like statue. Hercules grabs the statue by it's toe and flips it out of the castle without causing any more damage than there already was. Golem statue flies up into the air and where it lands, do we really care? Ummmmmmm...nope. Everyone is outside as Murtis panics on cue and runs stage right. Now; here is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever seen: Murtis is running away from the statue. Guess what happens? Murtis gets MURDERED by the statue with an explosion paintings of death...FEET FIRST~! In other words; if Murtis had just stayed put, the statue would have missed him completely! That is so freaking stupid! Somehow; Murtis is twitching; but otherwise not killed as the golem is crumbled into rocks of course. Wilhemine cannot even speak anymore as she looks around confused by Newton's boasts as Hercules bails to do his catchphrase and Newton does the most awkward salute of Hercules. It appears Newton was trying hard not to do the Nazi statue in this one as this ends the episode at 4:25. This gets *** 1/4 on the trainwreck scale for the stupid ending, Hercules being stupid and Newton doing stupid stuff. A lot of stupid in this episode to be sure. DUD (0%).
The Fiery Abyss: Ah; this marks a milestone for the series as it is considered episode #100! So we begin this one with a shot of the kingdom of Caledon (which looks much smaller than I expected actually) as we head into the skies as Daedalus has shown up again to wreck havoc on the Generic King Dorian. Daedalus has bitter thoughts (as opposed to the evil ones he usually has) as he vows revenge on Caledon for making him look like an outcast and speeds off stage right. Maybe if Daedalus wasn't trying to overtake the throne in every episode, maybe he would still be accepted in Caledon. Daedalus flies away and enters his cave. Daedalus' cave seems to have a bottomless pit in it, and Daedalus jumps into said pit; so I assume it's not bottomless. Down, down, down; this is how low Daedalus will stoop to overtake the Kingdom of Caledon. I'm surprised the narrator didn't use that promo; it's so obvious to me. So we head into a cave below that as there are dozens of ant hills littering the scene and red fire ants come out of the ant hills; so there are the MONSTER OF THE DAY. They talk like a Z-grade version of Chip & Dale by the way as they chatter among themselves. The captain ant hops to Daedalus (the one with the black around it's hips and gives the universal sign to stand down. The Captain Ant sounds like a middle age man trying a kid's voice without any talent to pull it off whatsoever. So we exchange notes on the situation as the ants giggle at Daedalus' claims. Ant Captain tells them to stand down as we discover that the Captain's name is Termintus and Daedalus offers a present in order to make them believe that there is a surface world above theirs. When great treasure is involved; Termintus cannot refuse and Daedalus offers to show them where to go. Scene change to Daedalus pointing at a low ceiling and nodding as Termintus motions to his winged ants to bore through the ceiling and they sell without question nor noise. Lots of buzzsaw noises and eating ensues; but no signs of holes are present. Daedalus and Termintus look at each other amused as we scene change to the kingdom of Caledon on a far shot as the model castle shakes and then free falls into a giant hole into the cave of doom. Jump cut to Daedalus and Termintus loving this as there is a lot of steam coming from the castle. Daedalus claims that he has reasons to be happy as well as we scene change to Hercules in the sky doing his dive as the background animates him. Of course!
Hercules lands near where the kingdom disappeared as we jump cut to Newton explaining the obvious to us. We look at the chasm from top with Newton and Hercules looking down. Hercules knows where this is going and tells Newton to wait for him as Hercules jumps down and into the cave from hell; which is going to be apporos soon enough. We hear Daedalus laughing as he was expecting him as Termintus refuses to push Caledon back up and has stolen Newton's double gimmick. And damn it; it's even MORE annoying with him than when Newton does it! Hercules wants to change the ant's mind and Daedalus orders Termintus to run. Termintus bails and we get the SCOOBY-DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE TERMITE ANT EDITION~! Termintus hides in a honeycomb stone area and Hercules cannot grab him. Hercules bails after Termintus after he escapes; and then the entire ant army follows them towards Hercules cornering Termintus in the FLAMES FROM HELL. WHAT?! Termintus motions to the fire ants to rush Hercules into the dreaded Fiery Abyss as Hercules goes for his ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So Hercules grabs a fiery boulder and tosses it at the fire ants who turn around and flee; and we never see the boulder anywhere in this scene; as it crashes off-screen BEFORE we even get to see it. WHAT?! Hercules grabs Termitus and orders him to rebuild the foundation underneath Caledon; and Termitus has no choice but to accept it. Scene change to Newton neighing as we see Caledon rise up like the animators simply shoved the cell up; since it looked awkward going up. Newton is happy as Hercules does his catchphrase complete with Daedalus bouncing off the ground for good measure to end the episode at 4:30. Yeah; whatever turns you on, writers. This gets ** on the trainwreck for the absurd plot and the bad fire stone throw at the end of this. 1/4* (5%).
The Lyssidian Locusts: And here's episode #109 as we begin this one in a wheat field outside of Caledon and within seconds we see a bunch of green locusts which look more like green grasshoppers. They use the green screen of death to wipe out the wheat in one fell swoop. The narrator explains that the Lyssidian Locusts come from the Aegis Sea every decade to wreck havoc on farmers everywhere as a bunch of orchards are destroyed on camera; but they love wheat as the area in the Laraean Valley is completely barren and desolate as they also love corn as well. Jump cut to a shot of Daedalus' cave; which has been stolen by the denizens of the valley and coordinated by Newton, Tewt and Helena. Newton assures everyone that Hercules will kick those bugs asses; but the denizens aren't buying it. Yeah; he can beat up monsters three times his size; but a bunch of little bugs (after what happened with the ants in the previous rant)? Get out of Olympus! Yeah; Newton thinks of Hercules so highly; while the denizens think Newton has hit the 4-20 if you catch my drift here. Newton of course is completely useless; so he must have Tewt try and cheer the denizens up; so we do some trick to waste time, one which involves Tewt balancing his head and syrinx upside down on Newton's head. Tewt is twisting and turning around; only demonstrating how awesome Tewt is and making me wonder why he's the #6 babyface on the group; when he should be #2! Newton neighes and no one cares. Tewt falls off and sees that this is not working; and does the Gruffi pose. Uh-oh! Tewt just got disrespected and there's no hope left. Stupid idiotic centaur! The denizens are suddenly smiling for no reason and this gravely offends Tewt. Newton apologizes and he couldn't help it. Well; he cannot help that he's committing gimmick infringement on Mickey Mouse's voice, I guess. More blowing from Tewt as he wants to do the dreaded flip-flop. Geez Tewt; I didn't know you were a politican in your spare time?! Newton throws him into the air and the key is that Tewt flops into Newton's arms. However; Tewt screws him by hanging onto the ceiling. Of course! Newton orders Tewt to come down here right now. Tewt waits until Newton stops holding out his arms and flips to the right. Somehow; this causes Tewt to teleport towards the left in perfect position to land right on Newton's head. HAHA! That was funny, in fact. What a stupid centaur Newton is?! Denizens laugh out loud as a result.
Newton is giving Tewt the third degree and accuses him of doing it on purpose. I cannot take Newton seriously scolding Tewt with that voice and his double promo speak. Newton; you suck! Tewt nods in agreement and everyone laughs. HAHA! That was great. And then Newton stops selling and they both bow to their audience; so it was all a work. Maybe one of the few times in this series that I was laughing unironically. Then we hear the sprinkler system going off and everyone panics because that sound effect is the signal for the locusts to attack. Newton and Tewt go outside and here comes the green grasshoppers of locust! Oh; and Hercules conveniently shows up near a mountain. Hercules yells at Newton to go back into the cave to tend to the denizens and keep them out of Hercules' way. Locusts dive down towards Hercules and one of them takes a punch to the face from Hercules and flies about a hundred feet; and then stops selling and dives down again. So the locust flies in from behind and headbutts Hercules into the air with a massive explosion and Hercules lands on his ass in front of the cave; in front of Newton and Tewt. Newton informs us that the grasshoppers are starting to eat the grain now as Hercules brings out the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules proclaims that the locusts follow their leader and it's time to dive towards the leader who is in the field eating wheat. Hercules lands on it's back and flies with it as we do the UNICORN STAMPEDE from earlier; only they didn't shake the camera as Newton and Tewt cheer for Hercules to win. The leader calms down and Hercules flies him away stage left as they are all going back from whence they came. Jump cut to the denizens thanking Newton as one of them is wearing a cheese hat. Hercules yells out his catchphrase as Newton does a backwards six with his hand to end the episode at 4:26. This gets nothing on the trainwreck scale and ** 1/4 (45%).
Hercules, Newton & The Evil Magician: Oh; here's episode #99 and we begin this one near a cave on a mountain connected by a rope as we see Daedalus holding a golden trophy of sorts. Daedalus claims that it's King Dorian's favorite urn; which sounds uber creepy. Daedalus goes into the cave as we pan over and Daedalus is a stupid idiot because he has been followed by Newton and Tewt. So Newton hopes Hercules got the message on this and here he comes from the east. Oh and Newton even remembered to create a rope bridge to climb over. Hercules thanks Newton for all his help in this show; which isn't saying much. If I were Tewt, I would be pissed. Hercules gets on the rope and it sags down as the rope unwinds itself from the eastern rock, causing Newton's psyche to suffer as it was tied too loose. Geez; and I thought it was because Hercules was too strong for the rope to take. Hercules swings like Tarzan and crashed into the stone chasm's wall like George of the Jungle. WATCH OUT FOR THAT...Oh wait; too late to pull off that joke. Oh great; now Daedalus is stealing Newton's gimmick, and he's less annoying than when Newton does it. He got a Mickey Mouse voice for goodness sakes! He might as well have Mickey Mouse tattoos and a 666 ounce head! Hercules climbs up and Daedalus flies away stage right on cue as Newton feels awfully bad about it, even shedding tears over it. Hercules states that he has to start all over again and cannot wait for Newton as he leaves because he'll be moving too fast. Now here's the stupidest thing about this plot: Newton thinks "Cannot wait for you"; means "I don't want you!", which to normal people makes Newton look like a whiny stupid centaur. That is the plot everyone. Newton thinks Hercules is foresaking him as a friend! It's freaking idiotic! Even TEWT is not buying this crap; but Newton don't care at all. This is the sort of misunderstanding that KILLS friendships more than any "hatred" Newton thinks Hercules has in him. Of course; we all know how this ends: Newton realizes he's wrong and they are friends again. Newton is going far away so Hercules cannot find him and you wonder why Tewt is a better ally than Newton? This is the episode that proves it! Worse; Tewt wants to follow him and Newton headbutts him away and tells TEWT to not follow him; while Tewt is shaking his head in disbelief. I'm doing the same and I think it's for the exact same reason. This plot sucks! And that's an order as well as Tewt sheds a tear; then stops selling and runs after Newton anyway. Scene change to Newton walking towards a grassy/rocky area which is considered a far away land. Sounds like Peggy's Cove to me, narrator. Oh; and Newton stops in front of the Forbidden Forest of Doom. Newton bounces into the forest and out of sight as Tewt arrives, so I'm not surprised that he refuses to follow Newton's orders. Newton sucks as a friend by the way.
Tewt then runs away stage left and we fade to black. Good; I hope this means Tewt will foresake this toxic friend of his. Sadly; the expression means he will not as we see Hercules looking for someone and Tewt is blowing his syrinx at him. Hercules is shocked by this and we rush in to fade to black again. We head into the Forbidden Forest as Hercules stands there like a statue with Tewt showing more animation than anyone in this scene. So the babyfaces enter the forest as we jump cut to Daedalus and King Dorian's Fetish Urn Of Creepiness and flies into the Forbidden Forest giggling. I should note that the forest gets a lot less frightening as this episode goes on. Jump cut to Hercules and Tewt in the forest. Jump cut to tree coming to life and grabbing Hercules. Jump cut to Hercules wiggling his legs and cannot get out of this grip. Hercules gets strapped to a literal Tree of Woe; with his right arm in the perfect position to do his power up ring move. Glad to see the tree was on the ball there, doods! In comes Daedalus to gloat as Tewt bails stage right to behind a conveniently placed rock. The Tree of Trantus will hold Hercules in it's clutches forever. Daedalus walks off stage left as Tewt blows on the syrinx some more as Hercules struggles and struggles, but no dice. Now the finish would be simple: Tewt runs in; puts the ring on Hercules' finger, Hercules breaks free, Hercules captures Daedalus and the episode is over. And most of that is how it happens. Except; that Tewt cannot do that because the whole point of the storyline is that Newton has to be the hero in order to redeem himself in front of Hercules, which no one today wants. But by gawd; it's the 1960's and that's the finish we are doing. So Newton hears Tewt and apparently is acting like he wants to slug him as he runs in and finds Hercules. Now my psyche is suffering, albeit for a different reason. So yes; Newton finds the ring and puts it on Hercules' finger. OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! I'm not bothering with the rest since I already explained the finish beforehand. Newton slides in safe and grabs the creepy urn proclaiming that he'll return to Caledon with it as Hercules wonders what he would do without him. Oh; you would have TEWT as your hero and do just fine, you stupid musclehead! Hercules does his catchphrase as Newton actually admits that he's useless without Tewt, basically getting some of heat back as we end the episode at 4:31. This is a DUD on the trainwreck scale for a stupid plotline that is made so stupid that my head hurts. -** (-40%).
The Clutching Clay Pool: This episode is the first episode in season two (episode #44) and we begin with the usual pan shot of the Leraean Forest as Tewt is squeeing for help as we jump cut to Newton running in from the west with Hercules following as we see a giant tree containing a branch with Tewt hanging from a rope hanging from the tree branch. This smells like a setup to me. Hercules is not amused by this and climbs up the tree. Jump cut to Hercules already having Tewt untied from the tree and lets him down onto the ground. Hercules then jumps down from the tree and somehow jumps into a lot of soft clayish muds, creating two round discs of clay around his feet. It's also instant hardening mud as Newton's psyche is suffering again. Hercules can barely move as Newton wonders what Hercules can do and Hercules goes for the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules pounds on the clay shoes; but they don't crumble at all. Geez; something that the ring cannot do? Doesn't that sort of kill off the gimmick right there? This causes white lines to come out of the shoes and out of Newton's head. That was odd. Hercules is confused as to why this isn't working as Tewt comes in and pounds on clay shoes. Because somehow, Tewt can pull this off. No dice, sadly as Daedalus comes in laughing, causing Tewt to bail stage left. Daedalus looks awfully creepy in this scene as he admits that he kidnapped Tewt and used him as bait to lure Hercules into the pool of Clutching Clay. Newton wonders if they can be broken and Daedalus of course says yes and shows off the most weirdest looking red hammer I have ever seen, known as the hammer of Hecateses and it's the last time he'll see it because he's going to drop it into the Everlasting Whirlpool. Hercules continues to define the definition of insanity and the definition consensus is going to win out on this one. Newton wants Hercules to stop Daedalus and Hercules is forced to walk slowly on his clay shoes. Daedalus is in the forest with the hammer and for the first time in a long time; we get some confusing shots of Newton running towards Hercules and then being stopped by Tewt blowing for no reason. Worse; he's floating with only the tips of his toes reaching the ground. That looked more awkward than Chargeman Ken rolling two feet in mid air. Newton somehow understands Tewt's blowing and bails; returning with a rope.
Tewt runs with it stage right and goes through an anime background painting that doesn't move at all; followed with manga lines going behind a tree. There's no way this wasn't animated in Japan. Just no way now! He climbs up the tree and starts to invoke the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE! Good thing this isn't an action cartoon, because in order for this to be an action cartoon, it must be animated at 12 frames a second, not four frames a second. Tewt manages to lasso the hammer; but then we get more confusing shots as Daedalus pulls on the hammer causing Tewt to go down the tree without the lasso. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! So Tewt failed to redeem himself from being kidnapped earlier? STUPID! Even more amazing; Newton calls this terrible and he's speaking it in his first set voice, which makes him sound like a teenager coming out of pubetry. On second thought; the Mickey Mouse voice is less annoying than this. And he bails speaking in his second set voice to inform Hercules stage left. Newton finds Hercules who is panting and cannot move anymore without tiring himself. Daedalus has finally won over Hercules as Newton sounds like he's ready to cry. So here's the finish: Instead of Tewt stealing the hammer earlier; Hercules finds a conveniently placed tree and slingshots off of it. We then discover that Tewt actually tied the lasso to the rock to make the tree into a catapult. Wait; that still doesn't make any sense with the previous shots. Oh; I give up! This is an absolute train wreck of a sequence here by the animators as Daedalus panics on cue and runs off as Newton uses a triangle spike to cut the rope and Hercules slingshots into the air and crushes Daedalus into dizzy stars off-screen. The hammer is gone and it appears in Hercules' hand. Hercules smashes the clay off his feet with the hammer as he goes after Daedalus while Tewt blows his syrinx on Newton's back. Hercules does the catchphrase as Hercules runs in shadow towards Mount Olympus with Daedalus above his head to end the episode at 4:30. And then he jumps off the cliff and floats in mid-air; just to complete the animation trainwreck at ****. Call it -* 1/2 (-30%).
Tewt's Magic Wand Trouble: This is episode #102 and we begin this one in the Leraean Forest with Newton and Tewt looking for someone, like in every episode in this show. Only this time; it isn't the Mighty Hercules, it's Tewt's friend which is named...wait for it...wait for it...Tweet! Ah; so that was who LB was referring to! What a fool me and Tweeg are?! Oh; as they are making small talk, Tweet was promised that he could meet Hercules. I don't see that as an unreasonable request. Newton decides to let him come see Hercules; but wonders where he is. Fade to black and return with a blond hair satyr with a lower brown body and is dance walking to the east. He also has three white spots on his right leg as he stops and sees Daedalus with a magic wand cackling like a heel near his cave. Daedalus exchanges notes with Dydo as Daedalus puts a gold coin on a pillar as his crime du jour is to counterfeit gold coins. Well; not quite as he just turns the gold coin into a giant ass gold coin complete with sci-fi sounds and an explosion. Daedalus rolls the coin into the cave and it's bump was ultra-weak as Daedalus rubs Dydo's chin for no reason as he bails to return from Caledon with a bag of gold that he'll turn into a mountain of gold. And it's all legal. Not. Daedalus then wants to put a safe hiding place for the wand and finds a crack in the cave wall to put it in. Daedalus orders Dydo to stand guard and Daedalus jumps up and flies away stage northwest. Yes; I get that everyone can fly in his cartoon is so stupid; but whatever. Tweet watches on as Daedalus flies west out of sight as Tweet is happy. He slides into the cave safe and Dydo does abolutely nothing at all. Geez; even Zipper was more watchful than this useless cat. So we waste time showing Daedalus' belonging; including a spare robe which Tweet steals and wears as he comes out of the cave. Tweet tries to jump high in the air and then thumps onto the ground dizzy. So yeah; Tweet is dumb; but he recovers and enters the cave; grabbing the wand from the hiding place and does his skip jump move. You wish you were as cool as ultra-cool sidekick Toadie. Maybe Tewt should do that instead, it might get him over. Dydo bails like a scalded cat of course; because he's more useless than Helena, if that were possible. Tweet then stops and finds a turtle. If you cannot guess what he does next; you have no business reading this rant, because you would be much dumber than even Tweet himself!
Tweet taunts it and pokes the wand onto the shell of the turtle and it turns into a giant ass turtle who roars instead of hisses earlier. Tweet is shocked and horrified as he bails stage left as we jump cut to Newton and Tewt looking around some more. Somehow we see Tweet running into the foreground and barely see him (to be fair; I didn't have to rewind the video at all during this compared to the spot where I couldn't figure out who removed the record player needle in Chargeman Ken where it took a dozen rewinds and a reedit of the rant to figure it out. It was Carron in case anyone forgot.) as Tewt notices him running and blows his syrinx at him. Newton notices the giant turtle of doom and they panic on cue. Hercules comes in out of nowhere as Newton is more animated than Hercules is. Hercules is like "Can you believe this?" as if this is so stupid for the MONSTER OF THE DAY. Which in reality, it is. So Hercules goes for the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules tells the useless babyfaces to get out of the way and it's time for TURTLES FIGHT WITH...Oh wait; wrong show. So we have them trying to grab each other and they bop and weave. This is so lazy that no one in this gives a crap at all. Hercules dives underneath the shell and tries to push it up and after ten seconds of nothing; he finally pushes the turtle into the air and it crashes onto the back of said shell. Seesawing ensues from the giant turtle as we jump cut to Newton introducing Tweet and the magic wand he is holding in his hand. Hercules grabs the wand and breaks it in two, seeing it all now. The turtle instantly explodes, changes back to a small turtle and that is that. Tewt turns the turtle over (complete with instructions from Hercules) and the turtle walks away stage right. Daedalus comes back protesting this outrage like a stupid idiot; because Hercules is RIGHT THERE to catch him. Daedalus groans and tries to bail; but Hercules grabs him and goes stage right. Jump cut to Tewt chewing out Tweet for his actions; which is so stupid because had it not been for Tweet, Hercules wouldn't have known Daedalus was counterfeiting! So buzz off, Tewt! Newton states that he is grounded from talking to Hercules until he becomes a good boy. Well; screw you too, you stupid centaur. Hercules does his catchphrase as Hercules flies into the air with Daedalus in tow to end the episode at 4:30. Funny how Tweet caused all the trouble; yet his trouble managed to save Caledon from being robbed! That's gratitude for you. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale just for Tweet alone. ** (40%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Twenty-four down; eight to go. What more can I say? This show is more amusing to me in commentary than it is for the bottom line so I won't say anymore. OLYMPIAN~!! So...
Thumbs down for everything and I'll see you all next time.