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The Mighty Hercules: The Finale That Never Came
Reviewed: 04/17/2016
You Stupid, Silly, Centaurian Bastard!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2017 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
The Eurption Of Mount Sirus: More season three stuff (#95) and we start with Mount Sirus puffing smoke out of it's top; because Mount Sirus doubles as a volcano, you see. This fact alone is enough to cause swift news to reach Mount Olympus and then we fade to black and return inside Zeus' sideways palace with something in his hands to give to Hercules. Hercules is given a flask (shielded with blocks of wood carved to the sides; why? Why not?!) to empty the flask's contents in order to silence the volcano. Make haste though; because it could erupt at any moment. Speaking of strange; one of the shots is a FPS shot of Hercules looking at Zeus directly. Which exposes the fact that the wall to the side has no wall and is all sky. Also; the narrator calls this a halocaust. Even in the 1960's; I have never hear that on children's television and it's usually because it's a massive volation of Godwin's Law. So Hercules does the background animating dive towards Earth and lands in the Resses Ruins and then jump cut to the volcano puffing smoke; and then it suddenly stops during the eastern pan shot. Oops! Jump cut to a tree as Newton touches the tree for the easy win, in Newton Two-Two's mind I bet. Oh; and it's a "pay the price" bet as well as we finally get the first rant episode featuring Timon; who is probably got slightly more personality than King Dorian has and is probably less useless than Dorian despite wearing brown peasant clothes. So the forfeit involves whisper yelling as Hercules is coming in from the far side; and Timon has to remove the ring from Hercules' belt. Timon of course thinks this is BS; but thou must! Why are these two friends, again? I mean; stealing Hercules' ring is like tugging on Superman's cape. So Timon obeys as Hercules comes in. Timon bumps into Hercules like an idiot as Timon apologizes for tripping. Sadly; it was fake tripping; not tripping for Newton's stupid schemes. Hercules tells Timon to be careful as Timon plucks the ring from the belt and manages to bail stage right without Hercules even noticing. Me Hercules, me bring the pain. Zeus built me strong, forget to give me brain! Hercules goes to the volcano, Timon goes to Newton. Easy! Newton asks if he got the ring and of course he did, you evil centaur and then we hear a massive explosion off-screen. Jump cut to Mount Sirus pumping rocks out of it's top. Damn; there's so many rocks that some villages are going to get crushed at this rate.
One rock hurls towards Hercules and now Hercules is shocked and appalled; because his ring is gone. Rock nails Hercules hard and he just got knocked the f*ck out with it. That'll make your psyche suffer. Timon and Newton go to Hercules as Timon admits that this is all his fault. I wouldn't go THAT far Timon, you at least were merely following orders compared to that stupid centaur. The flask is dropped on the ground as more rocks shoot from the volcano's mouth. Timons sheds a tear as Newton wonders what to do now; and so Timon grabs the flask and proclaims that he'll stop the damn volcano himself. YAY! Why isn't Timon the king of Caledon? He's so much more hands on and brave than Dorian the dork is. Newton protests this because the volcano is really raining rocks hard now; and pleads for Hercules to wake up. Luckly for him; Hercules wakes up and panics at the sight of the volcano. He orders Newton to wait and runs west as we jump cut to Timon climbing the volcano. Okay; just make Timon the king of Caledon now; there's no one like him! Sadly; the volcano rumbles and he's forced to drop the flask. So close, so damn close as Hercules makes his run in and gets beside Timon. Newton is acting like the flask is destroyed, despite not even seeing it destroyed as Hercules claims that he'll just plug it up with the mountain peak. That just sounds like a bad idea all along as Timon looks shameful giving Hercules his ring. So it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So we fade to black and here's the finish: Hercules climb up to top of volcano. Hercules uses flying rock to fly over to the mountain peak. Hercules plucks mountain peak (a giant cone) and throws it into the volcano, which plugs it up; rendering the whole silencing flask thing absolutely pointless. Why would Zeus even bother...?! Newton jumps in cheering as Hercules blows him off for his mischief before doing his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:30 apporox. Timon is still pretty great for this cartoon. Too bad that isn't saying much. ** on the trainwreck scale for the flask being a McGruffin and Newton being stupid as usual. * 1/2 (30%).
Battle Of The Magic Rings: Here's the third to last episode of the series (#126) as we begin this one at Daedalus' cave as it's actually the man cave of the blacksmith ring maker Midas who is smelting a silver ring for the evil wizard Daedalus. Midas is just another hooded denizen with no personality other than he smelts rings. Midas uses the tongs to cool the ring in a vase of water and then shows the glowing ring to us as Midas claims that the ring might be more powerful than Hercules, but it's on par at least with Hercules' ring. So Midas cools the ring down some more and shows off the ring to Daedalus again. Daedalus takes the ring and giggles as Midas think this could be the key to Hercules' demise as we head to Caledon as Daedalus flies overhead and lands on a look off as the denizens panic on cue. One of the denizens demands to know what Daedalus wants of them and Daedalus claims that he has nothing against them this time, he's only hear to send a message: He is challenging Hercules to a duel on the Parthean Plains if he has the guts to do it; and then Daedalus giggles and flys straight away. Scene change to a far shot of Mount Olympus and then we scene change to Hercules doing the background animation dive of doom. Hercules lands and here's Newton to annoy Hercules and claim that Daedalus is claiming that he can beat him this time. Hercules is like "Yeah; I'll bet." as Daedalus arrives in convenient fashion. Apparently; the entire kingdom of Caledon is cheering in the background away from the action and it appears that they all turned their backs on the action. Daedalus backs up to a tree as Hercules stalks him; and Daedalus puts on the silver ring and it turns gold and glows. Uh-oh! It's a metal detector. AHHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm... That smarts. Daedalus uproots the tree next to him and this makes Newton's psyche suffer already. Daedalus throws tree, Hercules tells Newton to leave, Newton leaves, Hercules grabs tree and throws it aside. You got all that? Sadly; the tree completely misses Newton by six feet. Damn.
Daedalus flies towards Hercules like Superman (speaking of gimmick infringement...) as Newton distracts Hercules; and Hercules does the double fist rush into the chest of Hercules and makes him go flying stage left and land hard on his ass on the way down. I told Herc that centaur is evil, but nooooo. He had to be friends with it for life, dood! Daedalus laughs out loud; so Hercules puts on the ring and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules runs in and punches Daedalus in the face (there is a white impact star; but the punch shown was clearly in the face) and knocks Daedalus on his ass stage right. Daedalus moves his neck and gets up as Hercules runs in and we get probably the most epic fight in the series, mainly because everyone is no selling every punch which all of them connect this time. Two shots to Hercules in the stomach on the closeup. Newton does the worst selling of shadow boxing ever; and Hercules punches Daedalus in the face and knocks him on his ass for the second time. So I guess Hercules wins 2-1; which would be the most difficult fight Hercules has ever had up to this point. Daedalus slowly gets up as Hercules asks if he has had enough; Daedalus says no and shoots a thunderbird right out of his ring. Oooooo. Hercules ducks the shot and the thunderbird destroys a conveniently placed rock into rumble. Hercules ducks and Daedalus seems to have won because Hercules is literally asking Newton for his shield. Newton bails and finds the shield in a conveniently placed tree with a hole in it. The shield is huge with a huge red stylized H on it. Newton runs in and gives Hercules the shield. Daedalus shoots another thunderbird and Hercules uses the shield to deflect and it hits Daedalus full bore in a massive explosion and Daedalus is left lying in a heap and somehow this did not kill him. Hercules runs in; takes the ring off Daedalus' finger and crushes it with his hand into dust. Newton pretty much says it all as Hercules takes Daedalus away into the sky doing his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:28 with Newton waving goodbye. Okay; this episode was in fact decent enough to be average, even with the stupid animation. ** 1/2 (50%).
The Sea Witch: Okay; it's time to handle a first set voice episode despite the fact that this was way late in season two (#80). It's obvious with the narrator's voice in the first season as it sounds younger than the second narrator in the first scene with the boat of denizens sailing on the ocean waters. It's a merchant ship as a giant merman's hand comes out of the water and crushes the boat; forcing the denizens to fall into the water. Head to the shoreline with Helena watching on in horror as a second boat on the ocean gets broken in half by the giant merman hand. Jump cut to the western shoreline as we see Wilhemine (which this episode is her official debut in storyline) and dammit; her first voice makes her sound like a B-level Wicked Witch of The West. She also has a wand with a yellow octopus on it; as Wilhemine explains that the merman in the sea is a pretty woman turned into a monster. If there is one way to be a monster heel par excellence, that would be it. Helena calls for Newton and she sounds like Helena for the most part; well, the pilot version anyway. Newton comes in and he sounds like a teenager who's voice is a lot less grating, but still does his stupid gimmick. Helena of course is so useless that she wants Newton to go to Mount Olympus to tell Hercules instead of going there herself. Nevertheless; Newton obeys anyway and heads to Mount Olympus; which the top is surrounded by fog. We head up to a grassy plain with Newton telling Hercules the situation. Hercules' belt is black with a yellow center and a black stylized H on it; but outside of some facial differences and a new voice (despite being voiced by the exact same actor; a sign that the voice change might have been due to copyright infringement since everyone was comparing Hercules to Superman at this point). He also puts the ring on slightly differently; as he is hunched to the left, instead of putting it where standing straight. Nothing much otherwise as it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Only three booms this time and no soundwaves. Sigh.
We do the background animation dive; only Hercules' hair doesn't move. The back shot has no animation over than the background and in between was a fade to black; for no reason. Hercules lands off-screen with a thud sound as Helena is preparing Hercules' sailboat on the shoreline. Helena sounds like the female version of Broken Matt Hardy when she greets him. Hercules, Newton (out of nowhere of course) and Helena get on the sailboat and we sail for the witches island. Hercules is sailing the boat as Hercules explains that in the middle of the sea is a seashell; whoms fumes can turn sea creatures into women again. Helena points to the island; which looks like a rocky island with storm clouds in it. Hercules dives into the water shouting OLYMPIAN and it sounds similar to the second set voice actually. Hercules swims literally no times and is already grabbing onto the shoreline rocks all wet. HA! Jump cut to the island forest with Wilhemine hiding behind a tree cackling claiming that Hercules has fallen into the trap as they confront each other literally seconds later. Wilhemine brings out the wand which doubles as a flamethrower as Hercules tells her to sod off because she cannot change men into creatures (Damn; I wish she could for a bit of irony); but Wilhemine uses the flamethrower to melt some rock from a conveniently placed cliff base; causing Hercules' feet to be stuck. I'm glad they changed the voice in the second set; because the first set's "Great Zeus" swear sounds so bad here it's not even funny. Hercules gets engulfed by the melting stone up to his neck as it turns into solid rock. Which is bad for Wilhemine because Hercules literally breaks through seconds later. D'OH! Geez; this Wilhemine has massive lazy eye as she shoots her wand into the sky into a storm cloud and it brings out a F-2 tornado. Then we get a logic break; Hercules somehow is in the dessert for no reason running away from the tornado. He is cut off by a conveniently placed sealed cave which he grabs a giant rock to open and the tornado harmlessly goes in and Hercules seals the gate again. Elvira caws in English (!!) and Wilhemine is now pissed as she has a conference call with her green parrot as she has a Krackpotkin plan to stop his brains and brawn. Fade to black and return to the sailboat with Newton and Helena looking bored.
Elvira is on the sailboat taunting the two useless babyfaces as a green merman hand grabs Helena from the sailboat and forces her into the water. Newton demands answers to this outrage as Elvira is pointing for no reason other than to be a dick. Jump cut to Wilhemine with Helena in her grasp; literally ten seconds after the merman grabbed her. Also; they are already at the swamp where the seashell is and Hercules is also already there. And to think; they had 11 extra seconds to create a sequence and they still cut this one short. STUPID! Wilhemine uses the wand off-screen as Helena is turned into the most horniest frog I have ever seen. Helena hops into the swap as Hercules grabs some conveniently placed ivy and dives into the water while Wilhemine taunts Hercules some more. As Hercules dives; the ivy leaves disappear instantly as Hercules ties up Helena in the most loosest way possible. Somehow; Helena cannot get out of this rope as Hercules opens the shell and the fumes engulf Helena and the frog disappears and Helena in human form reappears. Hercules cuts the weak ropes bringing Helena up and that is that. Wilhemine points the octopus wand; but out of nowhere comes Newton to break the wand; and someone this causes Wilhemine to oversell two black eyes; even though the kicks never made contact with her face. Newton comes over to the babyfaces and asks what they would do without him. Ummm; make Helena a stronger character, perchance?! Then Wilhemine is whining and complaining about this being the last one and she bails east proclaiming that she will never be a witch again, completely burying her in her first appearance. THE GLASS CEILING OF WHITE MAN STRIKES AGAIN~! Oh and Newton and Helena laugh at her to make it worse. Helena turns around and Hercules is gone as she asks for him; meaning Hercules has left Helena hanging again. Catchphrase is shouted out to end the episode at 4:19 as Hercules dives off a cliff into the ocean. Geez; the second version of Wilhemine sounds even better than this one. *** on the trainwreck scale for bad voices and a complete burial of Wilhemine. -1/4 * (-5%).
Hercules Vs. The Hydra: Okay; this episode is literally the second episode of the entire series and it uses the first set of voices as well. We begin with a denizen of Caledon near his straw roofed house loading up bags of flour on a wagon being towed by oxen. Apparently; this guy is so stupid that he lives at the Leraean Forest (never a good idea) and here comes the three headed green hydra from The Legend Of Zelda eating the bags of flour, the wagon and the oxen. At least two more denizens scream in unison with the first one that the hydra has come. One is on a cliff yelling to beware of the hydra, and really; you cannot argue with that overwhelming logic. We see the three headed hydra which looks like one that could be in the Legend Of Zelda cartoon and be faithful to the original. The heads growl as the narrator tells us that the hydra is similar to Tiamat in that each head has a deadly power; so expect some Three Deck attacks in this episode as we head to inside a blacksmith's building as five denizens watch a white bearded bald man wearing just an apron hammering onto a new sword he has just finished as it is made in just one year. He sounds like first set voice of Daedalus as he speaks as a woman denizen holding her hands mid range asks who can handle such a weapon. The blacksmith proclaims that Hercules can easily handle it and speaking of the handsome devil, he he comes now with Newton. Newton is still annoying as usual as this Hercules has the second set belt on; but uses the first set animation to put on the ring. Man; he was putting on the ring much earlier in the early seasons, didn't he? So it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules grabs the sword and it takes like fifteen seconds for him to get it out of the chains, even prompting Newton to ask if he needs any help. Hercules loves the weapon and proclaims that the hydra is as good as dead as we head in the forest with Newton and Hercules. So yes; they never explained in this series how Newton and Hercules became friends. Why am I not surprised by this?
Hercules wants to spy the hydra and Newton disappeared just after he says that. Newton is yelling for help and he's caught in a bunch of vines for no reason as Hercules runs over and is amused because Newton is clumsey and a stupid centaur. Hercules drops the sword near a rock and Hercules comes over to free him; while making sure to point out how clumsey a centaur Newton is. Which is in fact, true. From the farthest rocks, out comes the three headed hydra. None of them are hissing for some reason as one of the head bites on the hilt of the sword and steals it. The hydra flicks the sword into a conveniently placed pit and we hear a splash; so it's not a bottomless pit by any means. Hercules finally gets that stupid centaur free as the hydra slowly stalks the babyfaces chomping at the bit to kill some centaurs and muscleheads alike. Hercules is not happy about this as the sword is gone and Newton is told to find it. Newton bails stage left as Hercules is going to fight the hydra bare knuckles and all. So the third head shoots a flamethrower at Hercules and Hercules is forced to duck; but the flame burns a hole through a conveniently placed tree and house on the way out. Somehow; the denizen inside looks out and is all right. Somehow; Hercules is in the dessert again with the hydra as Hercules bulldozes sand and flicks it into the air and it somehow turns to mud and sticks into the mouth of the fire headed hydra. So the middle head shoots out a breath that can put Hercules to sleep for a thousand years. Geez; that head is usually the poison one as Hercules finds a unfinished tree and shakes it to produce a stiff breeze which sends it back and forces the middle head hydra to eat his own sleeping breath and go to sleep. I think. The white hat denizen continues to point out and yell at Hercules and I wish the breath had put him to sleep now. And this one has a poisonous stinger in it's tongue. Wait; shouldn't the middle head be a freezing breath that freezes you solid. Geez; this shows mythology is downright whack sometimes.
Hercules puts up his dukes as Newton calls for him as he has found the pit where the sword is. Hercules bails and jumps into the pit like a stupid idiot. He lands next to the sword; and the water has seemed to break the blade off of the sword. Wow; way to bury the blacksmith there, guys! Hydra comes into the pit and lands in front of Hercules with their heads ready to strike. So we jump cut to outside the pit with Newton watching on in horror as the whole fight takes place outside the pit and we never see the fight from inside. Which is bad considering the other times this show shows fight. At least those fights were so hideously hilariously animated that it was funny. Here; you have to use your imagination; which no viewer wants to do unless it's something BS&P wanted. The problem is with this show is that they have no problems showing Hercules punching people in the face. So this is an animation issue; not a moral guardian issue. The former is worse than the later, all things considered. Lots of rocks come up from the pit as we do see Hercules twisting the head of a hydra to aim directly at the other heads to blow sleeping gas on them as the other heads try to counter it; but they fall asleep; rise into the air knocked out and then fall down into the black water basically done. Hercules comes up and basically states that they slained each other, implying that they killed each other. A perfect way to kill someone and not make Hercules look like a murderer in the process. Good one, show, good one. So we head back to the blacksmith as Newton arrives. The blacksmith asks about the sword's effectiveness and Newton tells him to ask Hercules about it, because he doesn't want to break the bad news that his sword sucked. Hercules does his second voice set catchphrase to end the episode at 4:18. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale for a McGruffin sword and the lack of explanination as to how Newton and Hercules became friends. STUPID! * 1/4 (25%).
Hercules & The Stolen Ring: Aw; here's episode #3 as we begin with a shot of Mount Olympus as we head to the city inside Mount Olympus while denizens are gathering because I'm afraid we have some bad news. Apparently; Hercules' ring is gone...ERR..I mean, stolen. I should note that there were more women in this ten second sequence than in the entire series up to this point. Jump cut to Zeus' chamber with Hercules and Zeus as Hercules is completely dumbfounded. Hercules was asleep as the ring was still in his belt as Zeus wonders where it could be as we jump cut to the sky with a raven holding the ring in it's mouth. So some red haired jabroni wearing a brown shirt and pants grabs the raven and takes the ring from the raven and tosses him away. Newton arrives out of nowhere and calls the man a big bully as I discover that his name is Phineas. I know what he's going to do today; he's going to challenge Hercules to a fight and still lose, because Hercules always win! It's in his contract, you see. Phineas puts the ring on and then kicks Newton in the ass; causing Newton to fly in the name, and where he lands, do we really care? He lands on his ass on the ground and I'm sorry; but the second set voice neighing is much better than the first set. Newton acts like a whiny baby as he's going to tell Hercules and bails. Yeah; let's tattle for Hercules, it's not like Phineas doesn't want him to begin with. Fade to black and we return with the worst shadow animation of Newton going up Mount Olympus ever and we then scene change to Hercules and Newton exchanging notes on the situation. Did Hercules call him Antius there? Hercules bails and does the background animation dive and lands on a cliff as the narrator basically explains the situation while Phineas giggles and amuses himself. Jump cut to a Hercules look alike in orange making a stone house; which Phineas comes in and punches it, causing it to tumble into rubble. Phineas laughs like an evil heel. Phineas leaves as the denizen is shocked and appalled at the strength of this man. Scene change to the rubble as Hercules and Newton land as Newton I think landed on the denizen because he says "oops" here.
Newton spots and Hercules calls him Daddeus; for no reason. Phineas laughs at it and tells Hercules to come and get it. Of course Hercules is a babyface, so he comes in and offers his hand to Phineas and Phineas grabs him and swings him like Mister T would a crocodile. Hercules gets thrown stage right and Newton is so stupid that he gets underneath Hercules to break him fall. Why the hell would you bother with that?! It's not like Hercules dies from that sort of thing; even without the ring. So Phineas throws a statue of a palace guard, the babyfaces duck and the statue breaks open a hole in the dyke causing water to flow out. The denizens panic because Anteus (Newton calls him that now) just flooded the valley as Newton blames him for it. And now Anteus is acting like he didn't mean it or anything; like a bully who does something so stupid that he causes splash damage. Although in this case; it's literal as we see the shadow of denizens bailing from the area as water flows from the dyke. Anteus of course being a bully; doesn't know how to save them and relucently gives the ring back to Hercules. Hercules puts on the ring and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules and Newton runs on a hill as Newton asks how they are going to get them out. So here's the finish: Hercules and Newton find a boat on the shoreline. Newton gets on boat and Hercules jumps high with the boat and lands on a rock in the ocean. Everyone cheers and the shadows all get aboard the boat with women and children first according to Newton. Jump cut to Hercules jumping in reverse and landing on the left shoreline. Newton then complains about the hole in the dyke; so Hercules punches a dead tree and uses a wooden cone to bore out the tree and turn the thing into a C-shaped pipe which he attaches to the hole in the dyke which causes the water to flow back into the lake. That is a pretty creative finish all things considered as Hercules waves goodbye to the denizens as they have to repair the dyke on their own. Geez; that's mean as Anteus is amazed by the brainpower of Hercules as Newton points out the obvious while Hercules runs stage right doing his catchphrase to end the episode at 4:16. This gets * on the trainwreck scale just for Hercules losing the ring in a really stupid way. ** 1/4 (45%).
Hercules Saves Caledon: So we head back to season three (#110) as we begin as a mountain is shaking violently. Then we head to a cave deep in the Leraean Forest which the entrance looks like a light show that may cause a seizure or something. I just love the title of this episode; it should actually say "Hercules Saves Caledon...Again."; like in the Taito video game "The Ninja Warriors...Again", it would make just as much sense. Sadly; the explosions are caused by a the fireplace inside Daedalus' cave as Daedalus is brewing another evil scheme...again. Dydo meows as Deadelus tells him he's safe; but not the people of Caledon as we get more noises and a pink background while Daedalus does some hip shaking on the side shot. Daedalus proclaims that it's finished and orders Dydo to bail from the cave. Dydo sells and both heels bail as the entire fireplace explodes. Cue EXPLOSION PAINTING OF DEATH; only animated. Out comes a red meteor firing flames and thunderbolts from it's sides. Jump cut back to the first shot of the mountain as it shakes and the red meteorite breaks through the mountain peak and flies into the sky. Jump cut to outside the cave as Daedalus is amused by this moment as this thing has no official name. The red bolt shooting meteor reaches Caledon as we get a lot of still shots of the tiny kingdom of Caledon and we then fade to black as we return with a shot of Hercules already at the scene with his bow with Newton Two-Two. So Newton explains the obvious consequences of failure here as Hercules shoots the red arrow of doom and it hits the meteor and pushes it stage northeast past the cloud where Daedalus is hiding. Daedalus giggles anyway and despite no sign of seeing it at all; Newton deduces that the meteor is coming back and wonders what to do now. Hercules proclaims that they must lure the meteor into the quicksand of Phineas valley. Which means; it's time to put on the ring and it's OLYMPIA CLOBBERING TIME~! Newton gives Hercules his out of nowhere shield as the meteor finally comes down towards one of the rooftops in the valley. Hercules jumps on the rooftop and blocks the ball of rock with his shield. OUCH!
The meteor is pushed away as Newton calls this the first lap. Why did they fade to black? Why did you do that? Jump cut to Daedalus doing the slowest cackling of evil ever as Hercules hops about a mile onto another rooftop and we repeat the previous sequence. Meteor is pushed back as Newton and Daedalus both bail towards Phineas Valley; with Daedalus flying with the meteor and basically blowing his cover in the process. Not that it matters in this cartoon; since there are only three main villains on this show. Hercules hops off the roof and we head to the quicksand in Phineas valley with Newton watching as Hercules comes in telling Newton to stay away from the quicksand spot. At least this show was in the 1960's and I would be a lot more forgiving than I will be in 1990 onward. Hercules needs to hit it one more time to get it into the quicksand pool as Newton calls it a breeze. Of course; it won't be because here comes Daedalus with a vase of bubbly black liquid which he pours on Hercules, covering him in sticky black goo. Apparently; this black goo is like a magnet to the meteorite and will hit Hercules instead of the quicksand pool. Hercules yells at Newton to leave; but Newton no sells because he cannot leave him. Hercules breaks free anyway and cuts the line that Daedalus used over and over again in The Glory Of Heracles Nintendo DS video game I played many years later. It's amazing how I still remember that after all these years. Hercules then grabs the meteor, punches it into the air and it lands in the quicksand, just like that! Way to render the shield spots completely pointless! Daedalus is shocked and appalled as he flies high in the sky; but Hercules catches him anyway. The way he caught him; looked like he was going to give anal sex to him as we fade to black before anymore damage can be done to my brain. Oh wait; on second thought, go back to Hercules, go back to Hercules. Oh damn; now I sound like Newton. That's horrifying! That's horrifying! POW! OUCH! Ummm...Hercules does his catchphrase with Daedalus in tow to end the episode at 4:30. Nothing changes, ** on the trainwreck scale for the shield spots and a stupid finish. * (20%).
The Magnetic Stone: Here's another early season one episode (#40) as we begin at Caledon castle as Dorian is issued a summons to the Mighty Hercules to come to his castle. One of the guards is there to allow Newton and Hercules to come into the throne room. Hercules comes in and sitting on the throne is....Daedalus?! Well; good, he is a more compelling character than Dorian anyway! Daedalus admits that he basically kidnapped him ("captured him" he says.) as Hercules wants to beat his face in; but the LEGAL HAND OF GOD stops him. Why? What is the consequence for Hercules to not stop? Daedalus states that the only way to see Dorian again is to find the magnetic stone in the ruins of Resses as they actually do a DREAM SEQUENCE OF DOOM by blurring the screen and zooming into Daedalus' face. So we get a demonstration of Daedalus using the magentic stone on a prison cell with a palace guard watching on; which looks like a hunky loaf of bread made of stone. I don't see the point of superimposing Daedalus' face in this scene; but eh. See; anything made of metal flies off and sticks to the stone. Oh and it makes a rat-tat-tat sound when it's used. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Daedalus cackles with glee as Hercules actually asks if he refuses and Daedalus basically states that he'll never see Dorian again. This is enough for Hercules to accept the offer carte-blanche. You know writers; if Dorian is killed, then Hercules is still going to kick Daedalus' ass anyway. This only serves to make Hercules look like a sad heel. So we head to the ruins of Resses (damn; can anyone get the names straight in this cartoon?) as Hercules and Newton walk in. Newton has already given up on this search; but Hercules won't as we get an anime background pan shot towards a bunch of ruins covering a big ass hole and we hear the rat-tat-tat sound of the Magentic Stone. Lots of face shots of Newton ensue as Hercules goes for the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules thows out the stuff like a prototypical Wuzzle and jumps into the hole to find the Magentic Stone. I don't know why he brothered since the room is eight feet tall.
So we jump back up as Newton wants to go back to Caledon and Hercules agrees; but he wants Newton to bring the conveniently placed iron kettle on the ground next to some ruins. Normally; I would go into my speech in pointing out that they telegraphed the finish in advance, but I put nothing past this show to completely ignore it and just have Hercules one punch KO Daedalus just because. Hercules and Newton walk stage left as we scene change back to Dorian's throne room as Hercules has the Magnetic Stone in his hands and Daedalus is sitting on the throne. Hercules agrees to give Daedalus the stone after Daedalus frees Dorian. Daedalus is like "Okay; sure. You kept your end, I'll keep mine"; which turns him into a stupid heel. Now witness why heels NEVER keep their word as Daedalus pulls on the shown grey lamp thing on the northeast part of the screen and this opens the wall revealing King Dorian safe and sound. Hercules gives Daedalus the stone and Daedalus cackles with glee as it does the rat-tat-tat sound. This allows Netwon to come in with the iron kettle as he lets go and it flies right into Daedalus and bonks him. He goes flying stage left and crashed near a window. Daedalus is belly first on the floor with his hands in the iron kettle, helpless. And that's why heels never keep their words; because sneaky babyfaces know how to solve idiots like that. Hercules comes in to take Daedalus away; but Daedalus gets up and throws the Magnetic Stone (and kettle); which bonks into Hercules and he goes flying and literally lands in King Dorian's throne. Daedalus laughs out loud; and it was funny actually. Daedalus flies out of the window stage left into the sky; Hercules teleports to the window and throws the iron kettle right into Daedalus' head which should be impossible; but it looked really cool. Then Hercules uses the Magnetic Stone to bring the iron kettle back and capture Daedalus in his arms. Jump cut to Dorian back on the throne (groan!) with Newton watching on as Hercules does his catchphrase on screen to end the episode at 4:29. Newton was winking and maybe giving the middle finger before cutting away on that final shot. Why not? It's not like this show hasn't been figrually doing the same thing. This was ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the laughable dream sequence and both babyface and heel alike being really dumb. 3/4* (15%).
Underwater Battle: Okay; let's end Easter Sadism 2017 with episode #118 as we begin with a far shot rising of a flag near Caledon castle as we head to Dorian's chambers of diplomacy as he and three advisors are exchanging notes about the Sultan Omar is giving Dorian and his ministers a boatload of gold as a present of respect and peace to them. However; this is all hush-hush so to speak. A white mustached, full-bearded man with balding white hair and a blue headband asks what measures are being taken. Umm; the same measures as in every episode: Hercules protects it! It always works! Dorian shows the map route of the ship as he claims only they four know about it. The blue headband guy claims someone else know as we head to the window sill and it's a blue sparrow. Awwwwwww! Everyone laughs as Dorian thinks the sparrow is so innocent. Awwwww! The blue sparrow flies away as we fade to black and return with more flying from the blue bird; which means that it's the Chameleon Man known as Otis; which makes him automatically the best male heel of the show, just for that. So jump cut to Daedalus on the ground cackling as the blue bird changes into a hulking man with a full black hair and beard dressed in red. This is Otis of course as we exchange notes as Otis just had to do a bird pun that didn't catch at all. Otis motions to Daedalus to come with him and we fade to black and return to a cliff near the ocean as we see a boat sailing on the ocean in the background. Daedalus cackles as Otis slowly changes into a red cardinal like bird with a long beak. Stop stealing Newton's gimmick, Daedalus, it sucks, it sucks! Otis caws and flies stage left towards the boat and lands on the boat after the fade to black. Suddenly; it grabs a yellow CHEST OF DEMONS and comes back with it in tow towards Daedalus. Sadly; the Crystal Rock of Dadonis sees all on Mount Olympus; which means Hercules does all the work. Dadonis tells Hercules to be careful because Otis is actually a legit threat on par with a monster due to his metamorphose forming. Hercules isn't worried as he dives down to Earth via the background animation.
Hercules lands and he finds Daedalus and Bird Otis admiring the CHEST OF DEMONS. Daedalus of course acts like an idiot; forcing him to depend on Otis to take the chest away in flight. Otis flies over the ocean; but Hercules still manages to make the leap of faith and grab onto Otis and drag him into the sea. What an idiot, both ways?! Otis is forced to swim up topside as Hercules dives down and grabs the chest. Otis transforms into the most racist octopus you ever did see. Geez; that is one black octopus, dood! It also has a horn for a nose and we then get the worst "fight" scene in the series. Seriously; it looks like the octopus is trying to tickle Hercules; rather than choke him. Then for no reason, we jump cut to Newton calling for Hercules. Daedalus arrives just to rub it in; although he couldn't just say Otis has turned into an octopus?! I mean; he called Otis a fish creature. I would personally be insulted. Black Kracken would have been apporo here. This is so pointless as we return back to the sea as Hercules is being thrown like a rag doll and drops onto the sea floor. Hercules stops selling and goes for the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules does the E. HONDA HEADBUTT OF DOOM (which isn't as impressive underwater, natch) and this is enough to knock the black octopus silly and get the chest. Hercules then grabs Otis by the tentacles and throws him out of the water, over a neighing Newton's head and it crushes Daedalus faster than my sex life. So yes; Newton was just there to tell the two heels splattered on the rocks that he held his breath long enough. Hercules does his catchphrase as Otis changed back to human form; and Newton waves to end the episode and Easter Sadism 2017 at 4:31. Pointless centaur! This is ** 1/4 on the trainwreck for the black octopus and the pointless Newton appearance. 1/2* (10%).
Bonus Treat: I won't rant on this; but here are 40 of the endings to the Mighty Hercules!
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; Battle Of The Rings is the high watermark for this series and that's better than anything Chargeman Ken has ever done, so there you go. That's all for Easter Sadism 2017 and it was what it was. This is a godawful television program, but at least it's a better polished godawful television program than Chargeman Ken, and unlike Ken, this show had double the number of episodes and was able to have better animation, better stories, more creative monsters, less offensive, fewer pointless deaths, was a minute shorter and aired ten years earlier to boot! Plus; it still airs even today on Teletoon and Teletoon Retro and has been in various airings in syndication well after the first airing. It took Chargeman Ken (after it's first airing) until 2008 before it made a huge comeback on DVD and on Kids Station television. Yeah; I think we know which is the better show. Still; The Mighty Hercules is still hideously hilarious and it's on Youtube and you should check out all the episodes. It won't waste you more than five minutes per episode and you'll laugh at the awfulness of it. Just remember that Newton is annoying as hell, there are only three named women on the show and the best one is a monster heel, the monsters are scary as hell and Hercules is a broken over powered Kenshiro without the need of blood and gore. It's funnier that way. Oh; and those stupid "fights", cannot forget them. If I cannot find anything else to do in 2018 for Easter Sadism, I can always fall back on this show, since there are at least 96 episodes remaining from this series and I haven't even touched the Diomedes focused episodes yet. Heck; I barely shown Pegasus in this show yet. Yeah; I got to come to this next year. Back to Goof Troop everyone, a tedious show that is better than this, sadly. So...
Thumbs in the middle for Battle Of The Rings and thumbs down for everything else and I'll see you all next time.