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The Mighty Hercules: The Return Of Z-Grade Rant
Reviewed: 03/30/2018
Dyomedes Is A Otis-monger!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2018 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
Medusa's Scepter: Here is episode #14 on the animation paper as the episode opens against a stone background and here comes Daedalus from the east as the narrator tells us that we are at Caledon (Calydon, whatever) near a treasure vault. Daedalus is teasing taking out something as a royal guard with a spear is cutting him off. Daedalus brings out the scepter of Medusa and she is angry, dood! Suddenly; the head shoots lasers from her eyes and causes explosions as the royal guard is turned to stone literally seconds later. So the shadow of Daedalus wants King Dorian, as we cut to him at the royal table looking at papers. Dorian turns around the second he hears the door creak, trying to cut a promo and gets turned to stone complete with magical 1960's sound effects and animated explosions. Still better than Chargeman Ken's hideously hilarious explosions though. Cut to Daedalus laughing as we get a close up of him doing nothing. Scene change to outside somewhere at Caledon as we pan over to see Hercules, Newton and Helena. When they do the closeup of Hercules and Helena, everyone waited until the narrator stopped talking before anyone moved, let alone talk. Helena notices something, Newton wants the ring twice over so Hercules puts on the ring and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! We cut to Daedalus proclaiming that the ring won't save him as he invokes Medusa's staff as Newton flees, but Helena stands there yelling badly as she is turned to stone. Hercules panics as Daedalus tells him to watch this and Daedalus turns a cloud to stone. Wow; that looked somewhat creavtive actually. Hercules then foolishly runs in to stop the cloud and gets crushed into the ground by said cloud. Even though the cloud wouldn't have hit anything or anyone even if everyone stood still. STUPID! This only served the purpose of Hercules throwing the stone cloud into the ocean stage left. Why? Why not?! Hercules still wants to defy you, Daedalus. Just turn him to stone already. Or even Newton, that annoying stupid centaur! Daedalus bails with Helena in tow, because Helena just has to be a decoration for his sick, perverted desires. Jump cut to Daedalus in a boat sailing towards his island, as we pan over to the front of the ship to see Dorian, Helena and the Royal Guard are all stone statues on the ship. Daedalus talks about a new home for them as we pan over to Hercules and Newton at the shoreline as Newton wonders how to change the stone statues back as Hercules says only one person knows.
Now; I would have thought that it would be Daedalus since he would know about the scepter. Nope! This leads to a sequence of an invisible Hercules heading to the top of Mount Olympus and having an audience with Zeus. Zeus's voice is annoying here as he explains that you must break the scepter to return everyone to normal. Which is every cheap copout finish you ever saw, so why bother going to Mount Olympus. Oh; and the ring really has no properties to make Hercules immune to pertification, as I discover from this exchange. So, we get more disjointed footage of Mount Olympus, just to allow the narrator to explain the situation and then Hercules jumps into some trees before we jump cut to Daedalus in the forest with his stone statues. Daedalus hears hooves and he is bug-eyed during this, but overall proclaims that the statues will soon have company. Daedalus brings out the scepter and invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH, which sounds like overkill to me. He shoots the scepter and pertifies....a bull. Geez; that was a bullsh*t move! See what I did there? Daedalus looks up bug-eyed and sees something. He shoots and pertifies...an owl. He has a pertified, paranoia complex going on here. So, Daedalus shoots his pieces for a long-ass whomping time as it's clear that the writers were padding the running time on this dumb episode. The animation as usual is completely awkward and terrible. Daedalus' eyes roll around as he wonders if he got Hercules. The answer is obviously...yes? Apparently; there is a statue of Hercules leaning against the trees and Daedalus laughs his ass off. But, wait; it's merely a statue of Hercules because in comes Hercules as Daedalus panics like mad. Hercules grabs the scepter, breaks it over Daedalus' head and everyone is free. So yes, Newton did absolutely nothing in this episode. What was the point of him even being in this episode, other than saying a few sentences the Mighty Hercules could have said on his own. Newton comes in as Helena is woozy and asks where Hercules is and we end the episode at 4:30 approx with Hercules bouncing Daedalus a million times on the ground whille he runs. This is ** on the trainwreck scale for the bad animation and the padding of time just to get to the finish. Oh; and Newton not getting pertified while Helena does. Bigots. -1/4* (-5%).
The Crafty Chameleon: So, we head to episode #106 and this is actually the first rant I have done featuring the war-monger and blood thirsty general known as Dyomedes (old, crappy armor and leggings, red dress like Dorian wears and carries a sword. He also has a spotted dog that looks like a cheetah by the way.) So, we begin this episode out with guards all around as we head inside the guarded tent with King Dorian and General Dyomedes exchanging notes. Dyomedes is from Trice, and Dorian wants to make peace and stop this stupid wars. Sadly; his diplomacy skills suck worse than Donald Trump's; which is amazing to me because Dorian at least isn't a psychopath. Dyomedes offers one solution: A fight one-on-one, Dorian picks his champion and Dyomedes picks his. Winner gets to rule the other and the war ends one way or another. Since Dyomedes is a heel, I betcha he doesn't pick himself. Since Dorian cannot fight to save his life, you can guess who he picks before Dorian actually picks him. It's the Mighty Hercules by the way. In order to make this a surprise; one of Dorian's aides is whispering in his ear before Dorian selects his champion; just to make Dorian look dumb. So, we get a completely unique shot of Mount Olympus for no reason, it's basically a path towards the city and only serves to be a still shot to kill a few seconds as we jump cut to Hercules falling down towards earth. Jump cut to Hercules landing off-screen as Dorian, the aide and for no good reason; Newton arrives to annoy everyone watching. There is also a second aide dressed all in red as we pan over to Dyomedes greeting the champion as Dorian wants to know who Dyomedes' champion is and suddenly, that cheetah dog starts to make odd noises and transforms. Oh, snap! I knew there was something suspious about that dog. Yip; Dyomedes champion is Otis the Chameleon Man. Hercules is shocked that it is him as it's time to let the contest begin. Hercules tells Newton and Dorian to stand back; the other two aides can do whatever they want to. So Otis transforms into a ghost...Oh wait, he's a rock man (according to Newton, because we cannot say rock golem for some reason.), which is too bad because a ghost would stand a chance against Hercules in this setup. See what I did there?
Hercules is surprised again as Otis Golem meets Hercules and Hercules punches Otis Stone in the mid section; with Otis Stone no selling a damn thing. Newton neighs panic on cue as Otis Stone punches Hercules in the face and Hercules goes flying as Dorian and Newton are shocked and appalled by this moment. Dyomedes orders Otis Stone to go for the kill; and this involves Otis walking over and tipping over to try to crush Hercules, who is flat on his back. Hercules grabs Otis Stone and even without the ring, Hercules manages to push Otis Stone high into the air and Otis Stone lands with a MAN-SIZED bump off-screen much to Newton's amusement. Newton calls Otis a rockhead as Dyomedes proclaims that this battle is not over and Otis transforms into a...oh lord...a black rubber Buddha looking golem. This is so stupid and the babyfaces agree with me, for different reasons. Dyomedes orders Otis to work his magic and Otis Plastic Man uses the strechy arms of doom and kidnaps King Dorian. Oh; I get it, Dorian will be used as a bargining chip to force Hercules to surrender the match to Otis and give Dyomedes Caledon outright. Cheap; but effective heel heat, I always say! Otis Rubber Man smothers Dorian as Hercules runs in (so the answer is no) and tries to do the Edmond Honda heatbutt and that fails big time and the animators decide to just jump cut to Newton and Hercules standing. Newton asks what now and Hercules brings out the ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBING TIME~! Although, lightning doesn't work on rubber. Dyomedes isn't buying this and orders Otis to give Hercules a ride. Otis then makes the fatal error of giving his strechy arm to Hercules, because Hercules grabs the hand. Hercules snaps the arm back and it punches Otis right in the face and the blob of Otis rubber bounces away stage right like a bouncy ball. So we scene change back to camp as Dyomedes is in complete shame as Dorian orders Dyomedes back to Trice, because Dorian has no interesting in ruling that kingdom Which makes both rules better than...you guessed it. Newton threatens to sic Hercules on them if Dyomedes tries anything on Caledon ever again; as Hercules yells out his promo with Newton waving to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This is one of the better Dorian episodes out there; mostly because he can be diplomatic even when he is not very good at it. This gets * on the trainwreck scale, mostly for the racist rubber man moment. * (20%).
The Magic Lamp: Next up is episode #93 as we open this episode in a meadow with Newton walking and being all cocky. The narrator explains that Newton is waiting for Hercules as we jump cut to the same sequence, only in reverse. Newton is happier and happier as time goes along and then he stops and panics because he found a cave with Daedalus at the entrance, holding a green lamp of some kind. Apparently; this is a new cave Daedalus is holding and Newton is going to tattle on Hercules about it, so Newton is the NSA in this world now. Daedalus laughs as he dares Newton to summon Hercules because his lamp doubles as a giant smoking hand that kills trees badly. Now, if you have watch another episodes of this show; Newton should be like "So what? It's no different than any other device in this show. I'll summon Hercules now!", am I right? Nope; Newton starts to panic and gets the CHILD CORRUPTING BALLOON OF DOOM showing Hercules getting killed by the smoke hand of death; in which Daedalus calls the lamp, the Lamp of Alecto. Geez; Newton has some nightmares if he dreams that Hercules puts his ring on while getting killed by the smoke hand of death. The dream ends and bonks Newton on the head; forcing him to get on his knees and beg for mercy. He'll do anything to prevent Hercules from being grabbed by a smoke hand; because smoking is bad for your health, am I right? So, Newton agrees to be Daedalus' servent and runs into the cave; dusting off the liquid potions for a while. This is so stupid. Even then; there has to be a joke about Newton dusting off a statue with the face of Daedalus with his ass. Even stupider: Hercules arrives calling for Newton, making the sad heel turn of Newton look pointless. If Newton waited one more minute, Hercules would have made it without even summoning him. Cut to Hercules on a hill calling for Newton and Daedalus wants Newton to keep his promise and get rid of him. Why not just have Newton distract Hercules and kill him with the lamp when distracted. Easy. Why would Daedalus care about Newton's promise when Daedalus is a heel anyway?
Newton comes out and Newton is goldbricking. Kit Cloudkicker is much better than you, Newton. Hercules is not buying this (YAY!) and the key word is "not even Daedalus"; and Newton acting like a sad heel. So, yeah; this is stupid and even Hercules agrees with me as he comes to the cave. Out comes Daedalus giggling as he admits that Newton was only trying to protect him (thus turning Newton babyface again) and we get a sequence of Daedalus using the Lamp of Alecto as the smoke hand of doom crushes ground, rocks and another tree for a while as Daedalus thinks that Hercules cannot out run this forever. Now; if these writers had a clue, we would tease Newton's nightmare of Hercules trying to put the ring on and getting killed by the smoke hand. Nope; he puts the ring on and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! This renders the whole Newton is protecting Hercules completely pointless. Hercules does the flying superman punch with the ring right into Daedalus' face and he goes flying. The lamp lands in Hercules hands. Just like that! Daedalus bails as Hercules blows smoke from the lamp to allow the smoke hand to chase Daedalus out of this episode. Hercules makes another smoke hand; throws the lamp into it's hands and the lamp is crushed; destroying it as well. Just like that. Hercules bails as Newton gets all cocky and blows off Daedalus claiming that he knew all along. What a stupid centaur?! Hercules does his promo while riding in the sky on his chariot with Pegasus (which I rarely see ranting on this show thus far) to end the episode at 4:30 approx. What a pointless stupid episode this was? I give **** on the trainwreck scale for the whole "Newton becomes Daedalus' servent" angle, the dumbest goldbricking spot ever and the most lackluster finish ever seen. - * 3/4 (-35%).
The Wings Of Mercury: Here is episode #103 on the animation paper and the episode begins above a forest as a vulture like bird circles around in the sky. Jump cut to the bird already perch in a nest on a tree branch; which gave me whiplash. Suddenly; we see Newton on a mountain side with a blond hair musclehead with red shorts as the bird swoops in and steals a bunch of white wings in the blond man's care. We discover that the item in his hands are the Wings Of Mercury as the bird returns to the nest. Thesis is ashamed of himself and cannot face Zeus this way as Hercules arrives from Caledon. Thesis asks for Hercules' help and Hercules refuses to refuse help from Thesis because Thesis is a hero, you see. Newton is confused as am I. Hercules claims that Thesis is too modest to mention it; so he'll explain it to has as we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! Using a really stupid non-seeing fade to Mount Olympus I might add. So we have the big audience spot with Zeus and Thesis as Thesis is given the Wings of Mercury because the kingdom of Cyprus is in grave danger because a solar energy laser shooting owl statue is on the loose. 2:1 odds that Daedalus created this, although Zeus does not reveal him by name. Thesis is surprised because this is Hercules' job, Zeus explains that Hercules has a mission in Caledon. Thesis sees this as a way to advance himself in the ranks and agrees to the job. Zeus explains that they give him great strength and the power of flight. Thesis leaves and finds a stone hill. He puts the Wings Of Mercury on the back of his boot and flies into the air. The wings are at least animated, less so than the background animation, sadly. The far shot; the wings are not animated; nor is the second close up shot with him going down. Then we zoom out a bit and we get the choppiest animation ever as he goes back to a standing position. I should note that Hercules is narrating here as we see shadows of people running in one south east corner of the kingdom of Cyprus and then jump cut to the shot of the owl chimera statue as we jump cut to a shot of the sun shining beams in it's eyes as it destroys a house. So Lightning Gun-equse.
Thesis flies in and we have the owl statue shooting sun beams at Thesis for a while as Thesis dodges them in a weak fashion before jumping up and diving in again as the beams narrowly miss him this time around. Thesis gets behind the owl statue, dropkicks it and the owl statue lands face first on the ground, off-screen. Thesis waves at nothing and flies away; just like that. We return to reality (are you kidding me?) as Hercules claims that he never forgot that moment and it's time to help Thesis as Hercules heads to the giant tree (apparently; this small tree the bird was perched on had a hundred years growth in two minutes) as the bird crows for a while. Hercules brings out the ring and it's OLYMPIA THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules climbs up to in front of the nest as the babyfaces look on. Bird flaps his wings and squawks before trying to bite and beak Hercules to death, and missing every time since Hercules is an expert dodger. Hercules grabs the bird's beak and basically tosses the bird away from the tree; causing the bird to bail stage right, just like that. Hercules has the Wings Of Mercury in his hands and simply throws them back to Thesis and then bails as Newton apologizes to not seeing Thesis in action, but Hercules made up for it. What a dick Newton is?! This ends the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets * on the trainwreck for bad animation and a standard Hercules story; only with Thesis as the hero. Not much to see here otherwise. 1/2* (10%).
The Invisible Potion: We head back to the early season episode at #13 as the episode opens with a shot of the Kingdom of Caledon as we jump cut to a window and in flies perched on the sill, Daedalus and his formless shadow that no one cares about, not even the animators. We then get a very long sequence of Daedalus' shadow flying into the castle room and heading towards a door with a knocker ring on it. Daedalus suddenly appears to open the door and then turns shadow and flies in. This was clearly done due to budget constraints; as Dorian is outraged, outraged I SAY at this while sitting on his throne and he orders the guards to throw Daedalus out. But wait; Daedalus calls this not easy as he brings out a vial of liquid and drinks it. He then suddenly disappears because he is now invisible. One royal guard gets slapped in the back with his stolen spear after being shocked and then we get a Scooby-Doo-equse running sequence (before Scooby-Doo existed) as Dorian is now channel Newton! Daedalus trips the guard and he slides into the ground flat on his belly and face. Dorian is pissed off as Daedalus topples over his throne and knocks Dorian to the ground. Daedalus' voice sounds gargled here as Daedalus bails to brew more of his magic elixir. Also known as the Vanish spell from FF6. Daedalus goes through the window as shown with the closeup shot of said window and then we head to Daedalus' cave of doom as we head inside to see Daedalus stirring up something in a cooking cauldron and his stirring looks like he's rowing a boat. We get a closeup shot and then we head back to the rock of Mount Olympus with it's seer Dadonus. Dadonus tells Hercules to make haste as he and Newton are standing behind Dadonus and this is clearly using early season animation; but later season voices as we get a moment where Hercules puts on his ring in a sequence I have never seen before. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~!
Hercules and Newton dive towards a cliff. They land on the cliff as we jump cut to Daedalus at his cauldron with a vial of clear elixir and apparently, Daedalus has super acute hearing and eye sight because he notices Hercules right away. Hercules runs in; but Daedalus manages to drink the elixir and disappears into the invisible wizard. The timing was off here as he could have grabbed him right there; but the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT requires him to miss him, because there was no way Daedalus could duck in time. This leads to Newton and Hercules having a meeting of the minds complete with overkill visual flashes to prevent us from seeing their heads from making contact with each other as they crumple in a heap. How this did not kill Newton is a BS&P mystery I can never figure out. So, we see a frying pan banging on a wall shelf and it gets thrown at Hercules. I wondered which cartoon Paul Hayman/Tommy Dreamer/whomever at ECW was watching at the time! Then out of nowhere, with no warning, Hercules has to duck various international objects that look so modern that someone clearly didn't do the research. Hercules is hapless against this as Newton gets buried in the black cauldron for fun. HAHA! This sadly lasts five seconds as Hercules throws the cauldron away. Newton wonders where Daedalus went and Hercules claims that he bailed out. Yeah, I'll bet! Hercules and Newton leave to see an alchemist about brewing an antidote for this invisible stuff; because none of the babyfaces know how to cast magic that would eliminate this status aliment. Then we pan left to see a chair as Daedalus was apparently sitting in it and he topples the chair over claiming that he'll see about this. So we fade to black and return to a hay roof stone house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we zoom in and then fade to black again. Whhhhhhhyyyyyyy?! We return with Newton in shadow stirring up something in a cauldron and he at least stirs like he's stirring something instead of rowing a boat. Pan west to see Hercules telling Newton to stir that brew up and he'll return later when it's finished.
So, Daedalus is behind the bushes as seen with the bushes being more animated than this entire scene put together. Daedalus practices the fine art of not being seen; but the bushes keep screwing him because this serves the purpose to inform the viewer that Daedalous is sneaking around so Daedalus cannot blow his cover by talking. Ditto with the footprints as Daedalus walks inside and steals the patsel from the mortar as it looks like a stupid bone. Cut to Newton in full view stirring the brew in the cauldron as he turns around and sees the patsel looking scared. However; this was a trap as Hercules rushes in proclaiming it so. Tables get upended; so Daedalus basically is like "screw you!" and steals Hercules' ring. So Daedalus taunts Hercules with his ring and Hercules cannot grab it to save his life; never thinking about putting the ring on. Daedalus tries to flee with his momento; but Newton runs in and steals the ring back just like that! Hercules grabs the cauldron and sprays the GRAPE JUICE OF OPAQUENESS onto Daedalus and he's visible again. That is some weaksauce invisible potion there, you weakling wizard~! See what I...you guessed it. Newton laughs with the ugliest face in all of centaur-kind as we hear Hercules cut his usual promo as Newton looks out the window and we get shadows of Hercules and Daedalus as Hercules jumps off the cliff. The animation here is so horrible, it feels like there is movement, but little animation to speak of. This ends the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for those modern objects that don't belong in this era, the meeting of the minds, the stupid finish and the horrible animation at the end. -* 1/2 (-30%).
The Thieving Bird Hoard: This is episode #16 as we begin in what is supposed to be Caledon, but appears to be a repeat shot of the arenas in Mount Olympus. No shock; shoestring budgets have that effect on me. There is a crowd brewing as we jump cut to in front of a throne area as King Dorian waves at his subject in one of the few times I have seen him wearing a crown. Then we hear bird noises as the crowd is shocked to see the birds from The Wings Of Mercury return to take revenge on the denizens; because the Mighty Hercules defeated one of them earlier in these rants! Yeah; I know this episode came well before The Wings Of Mercury, but whatever. It's not like this show can keep it's own continuity straight, although it's at times better than Darkwing Duck's continuity. The purple vulture bird of doom swoops down and steals Dorian's crown as we scene change to the fact that there are thousands of these birds stealing from the denizens of Caledon; including sheep, pigs and deers. Oh noes; not the deers. ANYONE BUT THEM~! Oh, who cares? The narrator calls these spoils a bunch of booty. Wait; someone stole a box of Booty-O's. That's a tragedy in itself! Jump cut to the master of these birds. Come on, guess who it is; it's too shocking! Surprise, It's ANTONIO INOKI~! POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Okay; it's Daedalus of course. Considering that there are thousands of birds, they only returned a small pile of spoils only a hundred birds could have got. Oh well, Daedalus don't care because Dorian's crown is all he ever wanted anyway. So Daedalus has his bag which contains sparkling bird feed and drops it onto the ground. Five birds eat it up in rapid fire for a while and then we scene change to Mount Olympus and the rock of Dadonus, the seer watching this scene from the mirror stone. Hercules and Newton are present, with only Hercules being behind Dadonus this time. I should note that the image shows a still shot of Daedalus looking at three of the birds and does not even come close to matching the shot. What a shocker?!
Dadonus repeats what we saw and Hercules bails with Newton as Newton has to do his annoying catchphrase twice. Scene change to Hercules falling towards Earth as Hercules lands on ground perfectly, but Newton lands literally on his undercarriage; ala Grubby in Teddy Ruxpins two decades later. Newton shakes his head and blinks his eyes as even Hercules is insulting Newton now. Oh; and Newton notices that Helena is here. Guess what is going to happen to her? Just guess! Helena is concerned about these birds; but Hercules is here to save the day and put on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules, Helena and Newton find Daedalus after a really painful anime-equse background. Twice done I might add. Daedalus was expecting them of course; and orders his birds to attack. Then we get the ultimate in shoestring budget spots: The birds burying Hercules in the most contrived hide behind spot which was designed to make sure Hercules didn't really punch any of the birds. However; the animation is so poorly done that you can clearly see Hercules punching birds and nearly three-quarters of the bird either disappear or fuse into the other birds during this entire sequence. It is so laughablely bad. Hercules then gets up and apparently, all the birds disappear. Except for one which swoops down and kidnaps Helena. I called it two minutes before Helena showed up by the way. Worse; she made no attempt to bail, she stood there and got kidnapped. That says more about the animators than just being clueless and incompentent. Even more heelish; Daedalus wants the bird to fly to the sea and drop her there, implying he wants Helena to die by drowning! Hercules grabs vines from the coveniently placed tree and invokes the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE and lassos the neck of the bird to cut him off. Hercules reels him in, Helena does almost nothing, Newton does even less, if that was ever possible.
Hercules appears to be trying to behead this poor bird as Daedalus orders the bird to drop her and the bird sells that one. Helena free falls and screams as Hercules rushes in and makes the save, allowing them to have eyes for each other. Of course! Daedalus is not amused and shakes his fists in outrage. He orders all the birds to kill him. I don't know why since Hercules beat the crap out of them in the previous scene. In comes the swooping birds; there is no way I can take there being a million birds seriously there Newton. Hercules want his bow and arrow. Newton sells, bails and returns with the bow and arrow as Daedalus panics. Hercules aims the arrow at Daedalus's seed pouch (which has changed shape since I last saw it) and fire. The arrow bonks off the pouch; causing the pouch to spin around and spray feed all over Daedalus. The bird turn around glaring as Daedalus and Daedalus gets chomped on and bails stage left as he gets chased like he's in a Scooby-Doo cartoon stage left, screaming for help. Scene change to Dorian sitting on the throne with Newton wearing the crown, so even Dorian thinks this crown sucks, since he don't care if Newton wears it. It's a goofy crown anyway, and it fits that goofy centaur to a T. Dorian asks how he got it back and Newton winks at the audience because it's so obvious. Hercules cuts his promo to end this episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the trainwreck fighting behind the rock spot, Helena being a prop...AGAIN and Daedalus still being an idiot as usual. 1/4* (5%).
Daedalus Becomes A Giant: Next on the list is episode #17 as we open with a closeup shot of Dydo sleeping on a rock. We zoom out as Daedalus arrives with a giant green tomato; which apparently is the strangest events of all time according to the narrator. Ooookkkkaaayyyy. Daedalus explains that this is fruit from the Valley Of The Giants. So Daedalus nibbles a bit of the fruit, tosses it away and then he grows to about 100 feet tall, using the most henious of violin sound effects I have ever heard. I think this is why Dydo was in shock to see Daedalus growing. Dydo bails stage left as we scene change to some plains as Hercules and Newton arrive. Both babyface stop as Newton psyche is officially suffering now as Daedalus has reduced his height to about the height of a tree (30 feet). Daedalus dares Hercules to stop him and Hercules gleefully accepts the dare as he puts his ring on. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So Hercules dodges a giant fist from Daedalus and Hercules tackles Daedalus down hard as ever. Daedalus recovers and then gets uprooted by a hook stick made by Hercules. Hercules thinks he's won as he is going to return him to where he can be returned to normal size which is the Pool Of Thmuckus. Then suddenly; Hercules start selling weakness and drops the stick down in kind causing Daedalus to take another sick bump onto the ground off-screen. Hercules then checks his finger and the ring is gone as he panics like crazy, searching the ground in probably the best acting I have ever heard on this show actually. Hercules stays in one spot as Newton panics because this is the signal for Daedalus to grab Hercules! Hercules feigns bravery like a toxic macho man as Daedalus bails because he has a surprise for Hercules. Hercules orders Newton to go find that goddamn ring before Daedalus makes sure this series is over before it barely got started. Literally three seconds later, Newton finds the ring and completely destroys whatever suspense they were shooting for. Thankfully; Daedalus is not in the mood for such stupidity and creates suspense by making Newton look so stupid before officially grabbing him and blowing Newton off. HAHA!
Jump cut to Hercules strapped to TWO wooden trees placed in such a way to avoid a curifix position. Newton is tied to the tree with rope as Daedalus taunts a panicky Hercules with the ring and then makes the fatal error of placing the ring on a wooden stump. Why? Because the trees Hercules are chained too are still flexable enough for Hercules to use the end of it to fling the ring onto his right finger. Apparently; once you do the OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME sequence once, you don't have to do it again as the power returns to Hercules and he breaks free from his chained up stance. Newton is impressed as Hercules breaks the ropes tying Newton and then we get the stupid finish of death: Daedalus is addressing the crowd that has gathered as Daedalus thinks he's won. He's wrong; but that's not the stupidest thing. In comes Hercules as he tackles Daedalus and Daedalus splashes into the lake of water. Daedalus is all wet. Now; that is dumb enough, but the stupidest thing about this is: Daedalus did all this right next to the Pool of Thmuckus! What a F'N moron Daedalus is?! Newton is positioned in such a way that his hands appear that there is some glass barrier around said pool. Daedalus shrinks back to normal, he's screwed. Newton says it all as Hercules does his promo and flies into the sky to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale for the awesome acting from Hercules selling weakness and panicky and Daedalus doing the stupidest thing of all time. DUD (0%).
Search For The Golden Apples: So, we head to episode #15 as the episode opens with a farmer in a white shirt and black shorts tending to his wheat field. Jump cut to Willieme and her friend Elvira perched on her right shoulder casually walking eastward. She heads to a house and shows Elvira a skull head wand with blue wings on it. It looks like a really crappy bowtie as Willieme pokes the wand at the house and destroys it off-screen as the farmer is shocked and appalled. Willieme simply walks away stage right. Now THIS is how she should have debuted on this show. Willieme claims that this is only the beginning as we get the same opening shot; only a closeup with no farmer as there are explosions going on off-screen. Jump cut to the black haired farmer with a sickle in shock and appall by this as he looks around while the camers shakes and we hear more explosions. He wishes Hercules was here as we head to the Mirror Stone of Dadonus, the seer of Mount Olympus. Yes; Hercules saw it and is the only hope now as Hercules bails and falls towards the Earth. He lands on the exact same cliff in the exact same way as one of the earlier episodes. Shoestring budget everyone. Newton is already on the ground and his face is clearly in early season territory at this point. Suddenly; Willieme arrives with her hood on and has a large cane sobbing. I was not fooled by this; since the voice is the same as Willieme. So, she wants the golden apples of Hessfuribes and of course Hercules and Newton fall for it, showing that Daddy Pig is not the dumbest character in cartooning. Not even close. Hercules called her "mother" (what an insult?!) and bails with Newton. Five seconds later, we find out it's Willieme and Elvira of course. She is so proud of himself. I betcha Daddy Pig would not be fooled by this as we fade to black. Head into the really scary (not) forest with Newton and Hercules walking and exchanging notes. Apparently; no one gets out alive; but Hercules don't care because it's ring and OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules tells Newton to be careful; which is a fools errand. Scene change to the tree with a face and the golden apples sparkling on it's branches.
In comes Hercules and Newton as this seems easy enough. Or is it?! The tree wakes up the instant Hercules grabs an apple and looks pissed off. This somehow causes Hercules to be in a tug of war with the tree, or the apple has super sticky glue on it because apparently Hercules cannot let go of the apple now. Then the tree's arm which the branches are laced with green colored poison (according to Newton who is panicking as usual) which can kill you. I know this because Newton claims that one touch with that poison and he's done for! BS&P'ing doesn't work on me Newton, just so you would like to know. Hercules grabs the black part of the branch and turns on it the tree, causing it to panic. However; since the tree is also stuck, the posion branches are stuck into the tree, turning it into a grey slime followed with turning the entire tree white and effectively killing it. The golden apples are unharmed as the stickiness is gone from them since Hercules was able to get unstuck and Hercules grabs the golden apples which drop from said dead tree. Hercules wants to return back to the old lady as Newton neighes in kind as we fade to black. We return with the old lady and it just occured to me that Willieme is much more reserved when it comes to violence because even she realizes that brute strength doesn't work on Hercules even with that wand. Newton is there and wants Hercules to give her the apples. Hercules teases and then sees Elvira on the tree branch in front of the old woman. Ooops! So close, so damn close Willimere and your pet ruined it all! Willieme officially blows her cover and threatens to kill Newton with the power of her skull wand. Willieme demands Hercules to throw the apples to her and not give walk up and give them to her. Her skin is getting a shade darker inbetween the otherwise lifeless animation. So Hercules is like "okay", Newton ducks and Hercules throws the apple and destroys the wand with ease. Then two more golden apples get bonked into her tummy and she goes flying. Still man on woman violence, show; I'm just saying. Willieme runs away stage right with Elvira in tow as we fade to black for the last time. We return with Newton giving the golden apples to the farmer we saw in the opening sequence. The farmer asks if Newton got these apples and Newton teases admitting who really got them; but Hercules cuts his promo while pumping his fist, flying in the sky to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** 1/4 on the trainwreck scale for finding a way to debut Willieme as a character and the tree killing sequence along with making Hercules look dumber than dirt. -3/4* (-15%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; forty episodes up and twenty four episodes to go. They were all laughably bad as there's more to come in Easter Sadism, so OLYMPIAN~! So...
Thumbs way down in hell for all of them (Thumbs up for The Lamp, thumbs in the middle for The Invisible Potion, Daedalus Becomes A Giant, and thumbs down for the rest on the trainwreck scale) and I'll see you all next time.