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The Mighty Hercules: The Bad Part Of The Show! Rant
Reviewed: 03/31/2018
Lots of Kidnapping and Broken English Sultans Ensue!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2018 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
Helena Kidnapped: Here is episode #70 on the animation paper as we open the episode with Helena walking deep in the silent forest as we hear a voice calling her name near Caledon. We get five jump cuts in five seconds as Helena is confused as she opens a door to inside a dark building, which is clearly abandoned. Helena looks around and then the door is closed and locked. She turns around and it's Wilamine proclaiming that Helena will be seeing a lot more of this witch because Helena is now her slave basically. Wilamine grabs Helena's arm and then flings her across the room, for no reason that I can think of. Wilamine orders Helena to get to work and we scene change to Helena basically doing the Cinderella gimmick by washing the floors. She carried cauldrons of soup to the fire and brings platters of fruit to Wilamine at the table. Wilamine -- just to be an asshole -- give the weary and worn out Helena, one apple. Then we hear Newton singing about how great Hercules is in the background as we jump cut to inside the forest with Newton and Tewt walking west. Tewt is playing on his syrinx while Newton is singing, which is one of the few delights on this show. Newton is also wearing the moon stone belt with the Hercules logo on it, so expect that to be used at some point. Helena screams for help and Wilamine is all "go ahead, I want Hercules to be my slave" with that. Jump cut to Newton having a suffering psyche attack again as everyone has awesome hearing in this show. Newton opens the H belt and shines the moon stone's brilliant beam into the sky. That's what the narrator tells me and whom am I to judge? It shines on the peak of Mount Olympus and then here comes Hercules falling to earth. He lands perfectly in the forest as the babyfaces are exchanging notes on the situation. Hercules jumps up and dives right at the back of the castle. Now; he couldn't simply break the door down, nor knock on the door. No; he has to push out the castle rampart, which the artwork makes it look like thick drywall. It topple and even worse: The next shot show Helena and Wilamine looking out and there is a huge hole in the wall, for no reason. Hercules jumps down to comfront Wilamine as Wilamine brings out her new skull wand with black wings this time. It shoots purple/pink waves into the ground about 100 feet away and suddenly a gray like rock is created and it emits waves of something. Apparently; it's a human magnet that causes Hercules to stick to the rock. HA!
Wilamine explains that this is the Luavian Lodestone (which I think is the same material used by Poly Esther in Samurai Pizza Cats to pull enemies into her before she claws their faces good.) and it's basically a magnet that doesn't care about metal properties. Newton panics as Hercules remains calm since he can just put on the ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So, here is what happened: Wilamine taunts Hercules. Hercules hurls himself towards a conveniently placed rock and smashes the lode stone with ease. Newton neights. Wilamine bails into the castle, which Helena informs Hercules about. Hercules runs into the back of the castle as the logic of the broken wall is almost lined up with the spot logically. Of course! Hercules destroys the entire castle with six punches, making clean cuts in the process. Wilamine is trapped in the rubble and looks bored as hell as well as being confused. As if she expected this from the start. Helena is on her ass asks if Wilamine expects her to clean this mess, Newton neighs, Hercules cuts his promo, episode over at 4:30 approx. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale for bad logic and the repeat gimmick of being kidnapped which Daedalus did to her in episode #5. -* (-20%).
Hercules Unwanted Powers: Next up is episode #57 on the animation paper as the episode opens in the Lurdean Forest with a series of explosion heading east. Apparently; they are water spout star explosions judging by the artwork as we jump cut to Helena, Newton and Tewt looking on with grave concern. Helena asks Newton about the explosions and Newton is as confused as everyone else, but Hercules is on the way. Tewt points out that Hercules has arrived and Hercules has jumped into the trees. Jump cut to Hercules walking west as we hear more explosions sounds and Tewt bails onto a rock as Hercules arrives behind Newton and Helena. Newton explains the situation as we see the after effects of the explosion and wonders who is causing them. The narrator certainly knows as we jump cut to inside a cave with Daedalus holding a long vial of red shining liquid and Dydo standing on rock. Daedalus pours red liquid in the same spot that Tewt was standing on and the rock explodes, causing Tewt to be thrusted high into the air as Tewt panics, using his syrinx for communcation purposes. Newton panics and Hercules runs in and makes the save on Tewt descent. Hercules has no idea what is going on as we jump cut to Daedalus below the earth's surface with Dydo. They find green waves coming out of a hole as Daedalus claims that he found the crystal clay that will rid himself of Hercules forever. Yeah, I'll bet! Daedalus takes out a piece of white humming sparkling stone from the hole and we scene change to a shot of a hallway leading outside of Daedalus' cave. Jump cut to a far shot of inside the cave as Daedalus is at a table doing work on that crystal white humming sparkling stone as Dydo is on a shelf meowing and generally being annoying. Daedalus looks like he's kneading bread as we finally see that it's a crystal statue with Hercules image and form. Daedalus takes the statue and we jump cut to outside as Daedalus is sneaking east towards a house for a power test. Daedalus hides behind a tree; and does the worst old woman's voice in history, calling for help. Jump cut to Hercules and Helena conveniently standing about thirty feet away as Hercules rushes in and puts his hands on the house; but doesn't even bother to put his hand on the door -- which would have made this more credible -- and the entire house explodes into debris onto the ground. Hercules looks tired as he checks his hands as some terrible force has entered his hands. You don't say?
Daedalus bails stage left explaining that as long as the image in the crystal clay is alive and well, Hercules' hands are walking death. Well, even more literally than usual. Helena panics and wants to console Hercules, but Hercules orders her to stay back because his hands are doom, doom, I say! As opposed to all the other times when he puts on the ring. Hercules invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH on a tree and the tree explodes. Probably the only time that stupid pun was absolutely literal. So, this causes Hercules to say goodbye to everyone because he must go to High Mountain to prevent any more destruction and bails. Newton sheds a tear; but Tewt bails and looks around as he notices a jump cut to Daedalus pushing the CHEST OF DEMONS on a cliff with Dydo on said chest. Tewt runs to Hercules and Hercules tells Tewt to lead the way. Logic break: Hercules placed his hands on his knees, which should have destroyed himself right there. So, we see that Daedalus is going to try to push the CHEST OF DEMONS into the Pyro Pit. Hmmm; wouldn't that destroy the statue, the chest and your plans? Unless the statue cannot be melted by fire, this makes zero sense. Speaking of logic break: They do the ring sequence and the ring doesn't explode. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules runs in as Dydo and Daedalus both bail; Hercules touches the CHEST OF DEMONS and it is destroyed, leaving the statue on the ground as Hercules crub stomps it, just like that! Hercules can now grab Daedalus, which he does with great ease as Dydo bails screeching. Tewt toots his syrinx, Newton and Helena do absolutely nothing as usual. Hercules cuts his promo dragging Daedalus and running away, causing Daedalus to take a million bumps to end the episode at 4:30 approx. More bad logic, not much to see here. This gets * on the trainwreck scale for the logic, DUD (0%).
Omar, The Sultan's Champion: So, here's episode #78 on the animation paper and the episode opens at the harbour of Caledon with four ships in the background as we jump cut to the royal chamber with the denizens mingling. Inside sitting on some pillows is Dorian talking to the Sultan Ahmed, who is wearing a lot of green and looks like the most dressed human being on this entire show with a DQ style hat with a crescent moon on the front. So, the gist of this conversation is that Ahmed and Dorian are exchanging pleasure thought of being friends. Ahmed is fine with this; but he wants to see if The Mighty Hercules is the real deal and not some paper champion (because Ahmed thinks Hercules is a fairy tale, you see), so he requests a contest between Hercules and a jaboroni named Omar, who is not Owen Hart, no matter what Maka Singh tells you. Dorian accepts the challenge and it's clear that Newton is rubbing off on him since he says one line, twice. Omar looks like a cross between the Iron Shiek and Bald Bull with legs longer than Staci Kiebler and wears a lot of purple. So Dorian accepts the challenge and Ahmed orders Dorian to summon Hercules and Omar to walk into the forest to find a vine for the competition. Wait; so this contest is going to be a tug of war? That's awfully lame considering the no death rule is in effect in this show. Omar heads into the forest and Daedalus is in the foreground spying on Omar walking westward. Daedalus comes over to Omar and gives him some brown rope like vine, which Daedalus calls special. Daedalus of course, calls him a boy, because heels are supposed to be racist pricks. Daedalus tells Omar to twist the rope if Hercules is beating him soundly in this event and Omar nods his head in response. Omar leaves as Daedalus is amused by all this. Head to somewhere near the coastline as the denizens have arrived. Dorian and Ahmed are under a canopy sitting on stone thrones. Dorian has the most boring stone throne in history. Sultan has better tastes than Dorian I see. In a rare funny moment; Ahmed thinks Newton showing off his muscles is the Mighty Hercules, and Dorian has to correct him. We pan to see Hercules as Omar is ready for the tug of war. Ahmed wants this event to proceed right now as Omar flicks the rope to Hercules and Hercules grabs it off-screen. Cut to a far shot of the denizens popping for the event as we begin the tug of war officially. Helena is in the foreground, back to the hard camera watching on.
Only about five sets of arms are animated in the crowd foreground as both champions begin tugging the rope in opposite directions. This goes on for a long time until Hercules is pulling Omar towards the large candy cane stick in the middle. So, Omar has to CHEAT TO WIN now as Daedalus is whistling to Omar to twist the wrist according to the non-verbal cues. So Omar twists the wrist and Hercules goes flying past the stick and Omar wins the tug of war! Omar then sprinkles the rope all over Hercules and then bails stage left as Newton's psyche is suffering now. Everyone is shocked and appalled as Ahmed blows off Dorian and refuses to sign a friendship pact with Dorian on the basis of him telling foolish stories. What a dick Ahmed is?! Sure; the tale was foolish, but most people would laugh at Dorian, not hate him. Hercules is all confused until he rubs the vine and realizes that it's the Invidius Vine and guess who arrives laughing at Hercules. Come on, just guess. Yip; it's Daedalus flying in as he doesn't look where he is coming and crashes into a conveniently placed pile of boulders and they come crashing down. That was really stupid in itself; but then Ahmed simply walks away stage left for no reason whatsoever as Dorian is warning him to watch out for flying rocks. This leads to Hercules running in and tackling Ahmed down in a save attempt as the rocks bounce by. Wait, what?! Even worse, this buries Hercules and Ahmed in a tomb of rocks as Dorian and Newton are shown panicking. WHAT?! Then Omar; the strongest guy available simply bails stage left for no reason that I can think off as we cut to inside the tomb as Hercules is struggling to keep the rocks from caving in. Ahmed is wondering how long this will hold up as Hercules puts on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! By the way; the background doesn't match the scene during the ring effects I should note as Hercules has better luck pushing the rocks as Ahmed continues to claim that Hercules is useless while Daedalus watches on outside laughing. Then a mighty explosion effects causes all the rocks to either fly off the screen or disappear like magic as Daedalus is shocked by this; because one of the rocks hits Daedalus in the midsection and he goes flying northwest. Ahmed comes out as he now believes in Hercules' strength first hand as the babyfaces accuse him of telling stories. WHAT?! Ahmed claims it's true as Hercules is gone away to do his promo to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This is probably the worst episode of the series. Let's see: Bad stereotype who speaks Broken English, awful animation, Omar simply leaves during the climax and never returns, Omar sucks in general, Hercules caused Ahmed to be buried in the first place, Ahmed is a prick and the ending was so stupid as well. That's **** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale and -*** 1/2 (-70%).
The Cave Of Callisto: Here is episode #76 on the animation paper and we begin with trumpet music at Mount Olympus (which doubles as Caledon sometimes) as we cut to a royal trumpter blowing his horn as we head to Zeus' throne room with Hercules looking in a direction that appears to not be looking directly at Zeus. Zeus is at his throne. Zeus explains that Wilamine and Daedalus are trying to kill him with a mysterious weapon. Basically; Hercules' mission is to take no chances and stop this meance; so it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~ in less than forty-five seconds. Far shot shows Hercules bailing as the narrator is confused about some meance even though the only meance is whatever weapon this Hercules killer is supposed to be. Hercules heads down to Earth. Hercules lands in a mountainous plain as we scene change to somewhere else with Daedalus and Wilamine exchanging notes as there is a cave containing a golden candle stand with a white candle. But this is a magic candle which will rob him of all his strength forever. Daedalus' job is to run interference and get Hercules into the cave. This is a fool's errand. Then the two start to bicker on who should run said interference and Wilamine claims that she can handle Hercules. Daedalus then invokes the FLASHBACK FROM HELL~ as we head to a bridge over a river as Wilamine has kidnapped Helena...AGAIN! Daedalus -- the sneaky heel -- tries to justify this as merely capturing Helena. Wilamine threatens violence on Helena to make Hercules his slave and then suddenly the bridge breaks and falls into the river. This of course is the beginning of the water fall spot as the two woman scream in the weakest manner possible. In comes Hercules on Pegasus and the rescue looked really crappy; but otherwise, I have seen worse. Daedalus pretty much says it all here as he has a hearty laugh about it when we return to reality (no, not at all). Daedalus taunts Wilamine because she cried for a long time about it. What a prick Daedalus is?! Wilamine blows him off as she invokes her version of the FLASHBACK FROM HELL~! It involves Daedalus walking with Hercules slung on his shoulder as Wilamine explains that Daedalus put a sleeping herb in his water flask. So Daedalus walks into the Endless Cave and the name should be obvious to what Daedalus' plan is. Oh; and there is the Bowlis Beast: A brown colored griffon with an elephant face, bull horns and bull legs.
Daedalus panics on cue, pleading for Hercules to wake up, Hercules slowly wakes up. Hercules gets whacked in the face by the Bowlis Beasts' trunk at least a half dozen times. Hercules slowly grabs the trunk as Daedalus watches on from a far shot and the animation feels like watching a show in HD; before Hercules throws the Bowlis Beast away stage left and it takes a sick bump off-screen as Hercules grabs and shakes Daedalus; ordering him to show the way out. Daedalus clearly complied after that since we return to reality (no, not at all) as Wilamine is taunting him on that one. So, the two decide to work together and then the magic candle in the cave simply goes out and Wilamine instantly blames Daedalus for it. Daedalus turns around and there is Hercules on the cliff looking down at them. Both heels bail and run like scalded dogs as Hercules looks at the ring, proclaims he didn't need it for once and he flies into the sky cutting his promo to end the episode at 4:30 approx. An effective burial of both #1 heels of this show, says I! The flashbacks were most interesting than this; so call it no rating on the trainwreck scale, and * (20%).
Hercules Loses His Memory: Next up is episode #74 on the animation paper and this episode opens with Hercules throwing trees out of some forest. Newton is twisting a stick as Hercules is holding a tree and he'll remind the farmers that Newton did help him, just to show his modest side. Then, Hercules trips on a stick on the ground and the animation is so hilarious that the tree bonks into Hercules' head hard, and he now has a mass concussion and has lost his memories. Now; I have seen this plot before and I can predict the finish before it ever happen. It's a second bonk on the head that restores the memory; even though more bonks on the head makes the injury worse in real life. I'm amazed of how light years ahead The Old Man & The SeaDuck was, even in an era when the audience still accepted the concept of the second bonk on the head finish. Sure, Libby Hinson's amneisa angle wasn't 100% believable, but it was still damn close. Alas; this is in the mid 1960 and kids in that era simply didn't know any better and neither did the writers. Hercules is knocked out as Newton panics and runs to get Helena. Pan west to Daedalus practicing the fine art of not being seen and checks on Hercules. Hercules wakes up and Daedalus flees stage left, but stops because Hercules has lost his memory and cannot even remember his name. Daedalus returns and is inspired as he lies that he is the father of Hercules. You know; this would be even more hilarious if Daedalus REALLY WAS his father in storyline, but alas; I betcha the writers didn't even think this far. Oh; and Hercules was supposed to keep a promise about overthrowing Caledon and that King Dorian is evil. I guess being useless is a form of evil, but I'm not seeing it in Dorian. So we fade to black and head to Caledon and then jump cut to a sentry post with soliders and a catapult with a rock in it already. The alarm has been sounded because one evil wizard Daedalus is in the area looking coy. In comes Hercules as he proclaims Daedalus to be the true king and one of the soliders does the "he's loopy" sign and orders the soliders to take Hercules down. This is a fool's errand, ring or no ring. Daedalus bails like a coward, because he is a coward. In comes the soliders with clubs (BS&P RULEZ~! Like that matters) as Hercules punches them out in a really bad Hulk Hogan wrestling skit. Oh wait...
Daedalus is on the rampart as it's catapult time and it's time for Hercules to put on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN EVIL THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So; the soliders fire a rock from the catapult and it lands far away from Hercules and destroys part of a castle and somehow this all toppled on Hercules and buried him. What?! Hercules pops from the burial tomb as Daedalus is giddy about this. Second rock is fired from the catapult, Hercules grabs it and throws it back. Daedalus' reaction is both happy and scared at the same time before the sick bump occurs and then he claps as the catapult is now destroyed. One of the wheels on the catapult grinds to stop as the soliders flee for their lives because Hercules cannot be stopped. You don't say? Daedalus is so giddy about this that everyone has somehow teleported to some ruins, including the arriving Newton and Helena. Again; great artwork, not much diversity if at all. Newton explains the obvious to us as Helena grabs what she calls a shield; which looks like the tray for some car. Daedalus motions Hercules to come with him to see King Dorian as Helena sneaks in from behind and MURDERS Hercules with the shield; which of course restores his memory, because it's 1965, not even 1990. Hercules turns around holding his head looking confused as Newton has magically got the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE. Newton throws the lasso to Hercules, Hercules does the worst painful closeup face promo ever seen. Daedalus bails into the sky and becomes a jetplane; Hercules invokes the lasso, it wraps around the waist of Daedalus and it creates white waves and humming sounds. What the hell was this?! Newton neighes and proclaims that Hercules remembers everything now (where still having brain damage I bet) as Hercules cuts his promo to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets **** on the trainwreck scale for the lost memories plot, Daedalus being Hercules' father...allegedly, the most interesting lasso in history, the worst teleport I have ever seen, a car tray shield and of course, the restoration of Hercules memory. -** (40%).
The Throne Of Caledon: Next up is one of the last episodes of the series (#125) on the animation paper and we start this one in the marketplace of Caledon (the video has it as Calydon; not that it matters at this point) with the denizens mingling at the summer fair. After a pan shot we fade to black and head to a tent booth with King Dorian wearing his crown with a royal guard behind him looking at Daedalus is the second worst old man disguise I have ever seen showing off a blue monkey with blue hair and wearing clothes standing on a display box. The blue monkey's name is Pluetus by the way as Daedalus claims that he was in a faraway land and is house trained. Dorian is also carrying a specter for no reason as Pluetus is doing knee exercises like he's completely restless. Pluetus is so playful that he steals the secpter and the crown, and cosplays a king in such a goofy manners. The denizens are laughing at this and Dorian is amused by this himself. Pluetus jumps into Dorian's arms as Daedalus is offering Pluetus to live in Dorian's castle and Dorian accepts him and leaves with Pluetus, because Dorian is dumber than Dumbwin. Which is what Daedalus in his dumb disguise was counting on, by the way. Daedalus goes into the tent, blows his cover because it's another scheme to become king of Caledon. So, we head to Caledon Castle as we head to the throne room with Dorian requesting Pluetus to show them what he can do to the denizens who got an audience with the king. Pluetus does a backflip and stands perfectly on the chair in the signal to transform into a metal elephant bird man who shoots fire from his mouth. Yeah! Dorian is dumber than Daddy Pig, as I expected. Dorian is shocked, everyone is shocked as all the civilians flee the castle stage right. The royal guards are firing arrows like crazy and they all bounce off the back of Pluetus' head. The royal guards are FUBARED, so they flee the scene as Dorian is grabbed and tied up by rope to a pillar. In comes Daedalus laughing near a window as he takes the crown and secpter and sits on the throne like a dick, causing Dorian to be shocked and appalled. What an idiot Dorian is?! Pluetus sits down on the steps of the throne and then transforms back to...Otis?! Wow; even I didn't see that one coming. Daedalus proclaims that no one can stop them now and literally three seconds later, here comes Hercules and Newton in the castle. Sigh. Daedalus orders Otis to change back to Evil Pluetus and Otis sells as Daedalus is channeling Jay Leno's Queen of England promo. "I command you to transform faster! Faster! Faster!" Would have been much funnier; if Daedalus sounded like Jay Leno's Queen of England voice.
Otis Pluetus breathes fire and acts all wacky for a while, which might be a sign of the animation quality of this show. Then Hercules is REALLY STUPID as he just stands there talking as Newton is clearly warning him to do something and Otis Pluetus beats down Hercules to the ground. Pluetus then grabs Hercules by the calves and hangs him upside down as the animation is slowly getting better since the previous punches of Pluetus didn't appear to even come close to making contact with Hercules. Newton neighes in panic as Daedalus declares Otis the winner; so Hercules pulls the rings from his belt and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules punches Otis in the chest and Otis goes flying as Hercules stands on his feet. Pluetus breaks down a wall for fun off-screen and then rushes Hercules while breathing fire as we then have a fight! Of course, this is The Mighty Hercules and all fights have to look goofy and stupid. This time; there is punching, still shot, explosion effects, punching, still shot, explosion effects, rinse, lather repeat. In between these scenes is a spot of Hercules dodging punches and Pluetus punching through a wall with ease. Then we repeat the fight, only with coloring overlays that if they were flashing, I would probably get a seizure. And they complain about bright colors in the modern cartoons? Absurd! Hercules puts an end to all this nonsense by getting a Gorilla Press on Otis and Otis is spun around like a helicopter forcing him to return to normal and is slammed in kind. Straight out of Kevin Nash's Oz finisher move. Then we get a really funny logic break: Hercules threw Otis to his left. Jump cut to Daedalus who is in shock as I assume Hercules threw him out of the castle. Nope! Otis goes flying from the west and bonks into Daedalus and they both go flying stage right. Continuity? What's that? Me not know how those two can happen in a shoestring budget show like this. Both heels are in a heap on the floor as we scene change to Dorian on the throne being king again with Newton neighing. Dorian has apparently learned his lesson about strange gifts and strange men as we see Hercules cutting his promo while flying in the sky with Otis and Daedalus in tow to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale for the entire plot, the character design of Pluetus, terrible animation, a terrible fight and terrible continuity in the finish. -* 1/4 (25%).
The Hall Of Justice: Next up is episode #75 on the animation paper and we begin this one in the forest and pan over east to find on the ground a CHEST OF DEMONS. The narrator claims that this otherwise harmless chest will set off a strange chain of event. Strange moment #1: Timon's mother shows up for no reason and sees the chest. She opens the chest and instantly the guards show up to arrest Timon's mother for stealing the chest, but the gold in the chest is missing and since Timon's mother has no idea what is going on, she doesn't know what they are talking about. This is like every bad police sting operation I have ever heard and saw; only no one gets shot, let alone dies. Timon's mother resists arrests, but she is taken away as we head to Caledon and to the Hall Of Justice, which is basically a judge with a white beard and a black robe. Nothing we haven't seen in real life as Timons' mother is there with Timons to hear the verdict: Guilty and a sentence of one year in jail, which is really leinent even in that era. That said; this is not a restorative justice system, which is mostly because Timon's mother did nothing wrong other than to check the chest out which was in the middle of the forest. Timons and his mother weep and hug each other as Timons swears to find out who stole the gold for real, as Newton is crying almost like George Pig does in Peppa Pig. Sadly; no crying sounds from Newton just so I can get a cheap shot in about George's gimmick infringement. Timons is glad for the help as we head into the forest with Timons (and his beating stick, I guess) and Newton walking in said forest. So, the babyface hear a male voice and we pan over to see that Daedalus and Dydo have a sack of gold and even Daedalus admits his guilt of stealing the gold. Daedalus shakes the bag around for a while as he walks away stage right. Newton is not surprised by this; but Timons is completely hapless against Daedalus. What a shocker?! So Newton -- who was wearing the moon stone belt -- opens his belt to shoot the white beam towards Mount Olympus and here comes Hercules falling towards Earth. He lands as Newton and Timons exchange notes with Hercules. Hercules tells Timons to chin up and Timons sticks his chin up. I'm pretty sure it was a metaphor, Timons; not literal. Hercules leaves as Newton neighes and we scene change to Daedalus on a cliff with his sack of gold looking backwards and claiming that he is being followed. Dydo does some creepy looks for fun.
So, Daedalus proclaims that he won't be caught this time and simply flies away stage right like a plane with Dydo on top of him. The animation sucks; but it's at least a neat visual. He makes it to the other side of the cliff as the babyfaces arrive. Then we get a really stupid moment: Hercules invoking the lasso to make a bridge. On it's own, this wasn't bad, except one of the shots looked like a stock background that doesn't match the episode continuity at all. The rock looked much different on that closeup shot. So stupid. So Hercules plays High Tension Wire literally for a while. The actual act, not the music from Seiken Desetsu III. Although playing this music during this sequence would still fit. Daedalus brings out the out of nowhere white knife of fear, which lives up to it's name because Dydo bails screaming stage right. Daedalus cuts the ropes; I don't know why he bothered to try to hide himself here. Hercules steps back gingerly and orders Newton to get his bow and arrow. Newton bails and returns with said bow and arrow. Newton throws the bow and arrow to Hercules. Hercules fires arrow and this arrow manages to break the white knife off. So, instead of using the rough edge of the knife to finish the job; since the knife is still in Daedalus' hands; Daedalus simply bails stage right like a goddamn idiot. Hercules jumps across and lands near a tree as Timons declares this over and mommy has to live out her one year sentence for a crime she did not commit. Daedalus says goodbye as Hercules gets his ring on and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So, here's the finish: Hercules uproots a tree with a V shaped branches on top. Hercules throws tree at Daedalus. Tree pins Daedalus to the ground good. Hercules takes gold as Daedalus protests this outrage. Yip; just like that. So we head back to the Hall of Justice with the sack on the judge's podium as the judge drops the charges and wonders where Daedalus is. Newton claims that Hercules is taking care of him; so due process is but a dream for heels like Daedalus. I thought we would see what Hercules are going to do to Daedalus; but we only hear him and the babyfaces look at the camera; but the episode ends with that last shot at 4:30 approx. The scariest part about this justice system is that it might still be better than our justice system. Ponder about that for a while and be outraged. This gets ** on the trainwreck for the usual dumbassery. -1/2* (-10%).
The Thesian Thunderhorn: So, we end this rant with episode #97 on the animation paper and the episode opens with a pan shot of the forest with gay chirps from bird; according to the narrator. We see Newton sleeping on a rock while Hercules is sleeping next to a tree, deep in thought. Daedalus's giggle wakes up Newton and Hercules has to tell him to shut up basically as we jump cut to Daedalus talking to Dydo perched in a tree. Daedalus proclaims that he is after the Thesian Thunderhorn and he knows the secret of King Zeus' vault as well. The TT can rock Mount Olympus itself and Daedalus waves farewell to Dydo and flies into the air towards Mount Olympus. Newton thinks it's too late, but Hercules doesn't think so and runs towards Mount Olympus. Newton walks so slow; and then I realize that he's doing this to scare Dydo, who has done nothing wrong I might add. What an asshole centaur this Newton is?! Newton is so proud of himself as he walks off, and we fade to black. We return as Hercules makes it to Mount Olympus just as Daedalus is about to arrive. Hercules finds some conveniently placed double door and opens them. They are the entrance to the secret vault as Hercules walks into a cave and notices the TT resting on a brick wall safe. Then he makes the mistake of touching the TT and in comes a royal guard with Zeus himself and he's pissed off by this. Zeus then sentences Hercules to seven days and nights in the dungeon, which is much more leient than what Timon's mother got from Caledon! However; it is made up somewhat by Hercules having to forfeit his ring for those seven days and night because not even Hercules can break Zeus' laws. I betcha Zeus can break his own laws. Hercules' protests are weaker than my pee as the royal guard demands Hercules give him the ring, Hercules complies and Hercules is lead to the dungeon. In comes Daedalus from the open doors because the guards are too stupid to realize where Hercules entered and forgot to lock the doors. Daedalus walks in and touches the TT horn; but decides to wait until Hercules is safe in the dungeon before testing it. Of course! Scene change to inside the dungeon as Hercules is already inside the room as the royal guard tells him that he'll return in seven days. Yeah; this will really show Hercules the error of his ways! Not. Hercules looks ashamed as the door is slammed shut and we fade to black. We return outside the double doors with Daedalus holding the TT horn.
So, Daedalus blows the horn (which looks like a giant horn from an animal) and causes thunder and flashes of light all over Mount Olympus or Caledon. It's hard to tell since they use the same background for both areas. Like Zeus is going to tremble to this spot! I want to see Mount Olympus in ruins; that would convince me that Hercules is justifed in his attempt to escape the dungeon, which he cannot because the door is much stronger than him. More shots of thunder noises and flashes of light as Newton arrives at Hercules' castle and heads inside calling for him. Newton then notices the ring on a podium under glass and takes the ring. Newton runs out to the rampart; yelling for Hercules and Hercules is barely able to talk; but can still hear him. And despite taking away his ring; they forgot to take his belt buckle away, which contains the moon stone beam Newton often uses. Oops! Hercules shines the beam through the window to inform Newton which he is, which is a large tower. Newton notices this and throws the ring right through the window and the animation for this sequence was stiffer than my legs. The ring bounces off the window sill and lands in Hercules' hands, looking unfinished in one shot. So it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So Hercules breaks through the wall in his dungeon, jumps down onto the ground beside Newton and both of them bail. Jump cut to Daedalus blowing the horn near the entrance to the vault as Hercules and Newton run in. Hercules grabs Daedalus, the TT horn goes flying, Newton catches it on the rebound. Newton goes up the hill, Hercules bails with Daedalus stage left and that was the finish by the way. So Newton has an audience with King Zeus as he gives the TT horn to Zeus and Zeus proclaims that he did a grave injustice to Hercules. Wait; wasn't Hercules in jail because he merely entered the vault without his permission? So why is that a grave injustice? What a copout ending this is? Newton claims that Hercules cannot accept a "pardon" right now since he's busy with Daedalus as always, and Hercules cuts his promo to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for Newton's scare job on Dydo and the messed up justice system of King Zeus in general. -* (-20%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; it's more hideously hilarious episodes including the lowest points of the show. I have nothing else to say about this other than...OLYMPIAN~! Sixteen more episodes to go before Easter Sadism 2018 is over. So...
Thumbs way down in hell for everything (Thumbs up for Omar, The Sultan's Champion and Hercules Loses His Memory, thumbs in the middle for The Thesian Thunderhorn, The Throne Of Caledon, Helena Kidnapped, thumbs down for everything else on the trainwreck scale) and I'll see you all next time.