Return to 50 Webs
Disclaimer#1: All images, characters and material is (C) 1990/1991 Walt Disney Company and is being used without permission. The webmaster has made sure that no money was made in the creation of this web page and that all material used here is used with the up most affection and respect to the Walt Disney Company and the Tale Spin Team.
Disclaimer#2: The views expressed here are solely the views of the webmaster and no one else. The webmaster has no intentions to change anyone's minds about a particular subject and respects the views of the viewers. Comments about this and other editorial can be E-Mail at gweagle@eastlink.ca or signing the Cloudkicker guest book.
The Mighty Hercules: The Return Of Helios Hercules! Rant
Reviewed: 04/01/2018
I Need A "Best Of Notwen" Tape Right Now!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2018 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
The Sea Beast: Here is episode #104 on the animation paper and we open the episode on a really scary island with six ships sailing in front of it like total idiots. We jump cut to the shoreline of the spooky face island as it is Wilamine's Island and Wilamine grabs the out of nowhere giant WCW KEY OF DOOM. Elvira is perched on her right arm, crowing as this lost key will open the vault of Neptune and unleash a surprise kraken on Hercules, natch. Elvira bails as Wilamine throws the key into the air as I note that the messed up scene was whomever coded the Youtube video, or the broadcast being corrupted (RE: Teletoon Retro). This is not due to the episode itself being crappy is what I am getting at. Somehow; this key reduces in size when wet as it flies into the water and finds the locked cave of Neptune. It goes through the conveniently placed keyhole and turns. This opens the vault of Neptune and out comes the giant black racist Kraken of Death. It's basically what Otis became in Underwater Battle; but much bigger and more believable. It sounds like Wilamine is calling the ships "Satan" even though she clearly said "sinking" which makes no sense because the Kraken's gimmick is to sink ships via it's tentacles. You just couldn't say: "Keep my waters free of sailing ships?" and this is not a mouth flap issue because she wasn't shown when she cut the promo. One sailor in blue gets MURDERED by the Kraken's black tentacle on the way down. This is considered awesome news by the way as three of the six ships are shown taken down before scene changing to Mount Olympus. Hercules is summoned to Zeus' chamber as Zeus gives him Neptune's yellow forked trident for this task and Hercules proclaims that he will not fail him and rushes down to Earth. Hercules lands near the shores as Newton is at the western edge of the shoreline, motioning Hercules to come west. Newton does his annoying catchphrase and points a lot. Jump cut to the Black Kraken of Racism looking like an evil bigoted octopus as it's shivering for some reason. Oh wait; the trident as Hercules tells Newton not to panic because it's ring time. OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Oh; and he even yells OLYMPIAN~ within seconds of jumping off the cliff. Hercules dives into the water and swims westward towards the Kraken and yes, I'm done with the stupid jokes.
Time for the big underwater fight, which makes the laughable techinques the animators use, seem slightly more believable at least. Hercules gets in front of the Kraken, points the trident at the Kraken, the Kraken sells it like he's screwed and dives into the water as Newton cheers. It's over, right? Wilamine rushes in with a vase of pink bubbly liquid and remembers to call Newton a stupid centaur for old times sakes. Wilamine pours the Peto-Bistmal liquid into the water and it becomes...I think it looks like the outer lining of a human heart swimming westward. Hercules manages to get the Kraken into the vault; but the pink blob attached to the trident fork and destroys it! Uh-oh! The writers have booked themselves into a corner now. Just as well, because we just have to see those two fight underwater and hide all the weakness of the animation team in the process. Kracken rushes Hercules and appears on screen to be trying to either choke Hercules out or tickle Hercules to death. Either way; that is mighty effective. Apparently; this causes Hercules to be wearing a choker with his logo on his neck, for no reason in between shots. Hercules gets thrown eastward and takes a sick bump off the cave of Neptune. Of course! So, Hercules recovers, dodges tentacles and then grabs all of them and tosses the kraken into the cave as the kraken takes a sick off-screen bump into the back wall of said cave. Hercules drags down the stone door like it was a garage and takes the WCW KEY OF DOOM out to lock it. Jump cut back to Newton and Wilamine as Wilamine thinks Hercules is dead from drowning at the hands of that bigoted kraken; but Hercules rises up and Newton neighes. And the key returns to giant size when Hercules gets up and both Elvira and Wilamine nod in unison when Hercules asks "Surprised to see me?". That was funny, and even funnier: Hercules destroys the key into dust and plops the debris right on Wilamine's head. This causes Wilamine to shake off the dust and bail screaming like a scalded dog. Jump cut back to Newton winking at the hard camera to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets * on the trainwreck scale for the finish and the black octopus. * (20%).
Theft Of The Royal Seal: Here is another first voices episode at #6 on the animation paper (although it's officially called "Theft Of The Magic Seal" for no real reason whatsoever) as the episode opens at Caledon Castle as King Dorian is at his royal table as he is reading papers and is about to attach the royal seal to said document. However; he is cut off by screaming and something breaking down a wall off-screen. Apparently; there is a Minotaur loose in the castle. King Dorian actually sounds like the narrator in this story; so this story's narrator was originally going to be King Dorian himself. How interesting. Jump cut to the broken stone wall as we see a giant bull anthro in PINK shorts! There is snorting of noses going on as the Minotaur beats up every royal guard it can sense; by lifting them over his head. Minotaur runs in; takes the Royal Seal from King Dorian and bails stage left as Daedalus (in his creepy hissing voice I might add) proclaiming that without the royal seal, no king may rule Caledon as Dorian realizes that Daedalus was in cahoots with the Minotaur and that it will take a king's ransom to get it back. Namely; Daedalus becomes king of course. Scene change to outside Caledon as we pan east to see Hercules and Newton walking in stage left. And right after the narrator introduces him; Newton points out that the Minotaur is coming with the Royal Seal in it's paws. Hercules claims that he will stop this meance and puts on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME barely one minute in. Hercules decides to play mind games on the stupid bull by dodging it and landing on top of a stone arch. Which makes Hercules look REALLY STUPID because the Minotaur starts headbutting the stone arch. The stone arch crumbles and buries Hercules in a stone brick tomb as Newton is screaming for help. I hope it's to inform the writer how this scene makes Hercules look incredibly stupid. Hercules punches out the stone blocks as Newton is relieved. Hercules asks where the Minotaur went as Daedalus arrives to inform them that the Minotaur has gone to the Endless Maze (which is part of the mythology this show is shooting for, so it makes sense).
Oh; and Newton is pleading for Hercules not to go in because it's endless and he wouldn't come back; but Hercules is not afraid and walks into the endless stone built maze of doom. Newton follows and the animators are so stupid that they reused Newton happy walking animation for this. Daedalus is laughing at this and says farewell forever to these two babyfaces. Daedalus' laughing animation is so stupid; it's laughable. The babyfaces are exchanging notes and walking in when suddenly, we get our first trap: The SNAP FLOWER OF DEATH (the monster we would see in episode #36 later on) as it grabs the babyfaces and Newton panics on cue. Hercules is struggling as he calls these the petals of the Picsis Plant and these petals cannot be pried. Yeah; I'll bet! Newton thinks that they are doomed forever; but Hercules then notices it's weakness: Just uproot the plant and break the stem, which he does. The flower goes flying stage northwest as Hercules gives Newton the broken stem root and orders him to not let it touch the ground since it would revive the plant again. Hercules wants to find the Minotaur; but finds a ball of electric whisp named the Cacoon of Cletus as the babyfaces are ducking and panicking as the CC burns off Newton's tail.and Newton screams on cue. So Hercules orders Newton to throw the stem down onto the ground; Newton sells and throws it down. The plant revives and eats the CC and then bursts into fire; and dies. And Newton's tail magically returns to normal as well I should note. The flower is now a burnt matchstick as Newton asks what Hercules would do without him and Hercules wonders that too. Oh; and here comes the Minotaur, who has still forgotten to give the seal to Daedalus. What a moron?! So, here's what happens: Minotaur headbutts into Hercules. Hercules stands there as Minotaur falls flat on his face and the royal seal goes flying and lands in front of Newton. Just like that! Hercules grabs the Minotaur and forces him to show them the way out as Newton grabs the royal seal and follows Hercules out. Scene change to inside Dorian's room as Newton gives the royal seal to Dorian as Dorian asks if he did all of this himself and Newton claims that he had help from Hercules. Hercules cuts his promo off-screen and the babyfaces look out the window to end the episode at 4:13. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the nonsense plot, Hercules being stupid and Newton being annoying as usual. 1/4* (5%).
Kingdom Under The Glass Dome: This is episode #107 on the animation paper as the episode opens in the sky with a blue bird diving down and lands on what the narrator claims is it's nest. However; it lands on some glass dome and is peaking at it. It has encased the blue bird's tree on the far shot and we pan east to see more trees are under glass as who is doing this and the narrator claims that we will know soon enough. That's literally zero seconds because we pan over to another tree near a large rock to see Daedalus and Dydo. Daedalus has the most evil glass blowing device I have ever seen. Dydo is now perched on a tree branch as Daedalus is cackling like an evil heel out for the kingdom of Caledon. Oh wait...He blows glass into the large rock and then knocks on glass to test the blower one more time and he's sastified enough to threaten King Dorian and his denizens with death due to no more air. Oh; and Hercules should just give up now because nothing even on Mount Olympus can shatter this glass. Daedalus tells Dydo to wait because the ultimate test awaits: Caledon under glass, basically. Jump cut to a shot of the Kingdom of Caledon as Daedalus flies overhead, blows the glass and now Caledon is under glass forever. Daedalus lies on top of the glass dome and basically cuts a promo on how he was banished from the kingdom and spurred by the denizens. In other words; Daedalus was an asshole and they threw him out. This is like revenge for being thrown out of an internet chat room, only in ancient times. Considering that this could kill the denizens due to a lack of air, this death trap is actually believable and makes me want to see Hercules kick Daedalus' ass. This dread news arrives at Mount Olympus and here diving down to Earth is Hercules with his bow and arrow on retainer, just in case. Hercules lands on the ground and Newton's here already to annoy us. A big goldfish bowl? Like there was such a thing in those times? Ooops! Daedalus taunts Hercules for a while as Newton tells Hercules to show him otherwise. Hercules fires arrows at the glass dome, no go. Newton's psyche is now suffering, even more since Daedalus calls him a...you guessed it.
Hercules runs up a mountain proclaiming that he'll try something harder and pushes a block of rock like it was nothing onto the glass dome. It crumbles, no effect. Imagine Hawk no-selling a piledriver in Memphis for the full effect. Apparently; only something as hard as the glass dome itself can break it as Hercules ponders this over and has an idea; but he has to get close to Daedalus to pull this off. So, Daedalus bails and keeps taunting Hercules for a long while. Hercules tells Newton to stay as Hercules runs up the mountain and gets close to Daedalus. Daedalus then makes the fatal error of the episode: He encases Hercules in glass. Now; how do I know this is a fatal error? Because now, Hercules just has to put his ring on, OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~, roll the glass dome down the mountain and make contact with the glass dome of Caledon hard and both domes shatter on cue for the easy win. Daedalus taunts him some more in between this as well as Newton being confused; but this finish is exactly what happens. What an idiot Daedalus is?! I called the finish before the episode even started by the way. And somehow; the glass doesn't cut Daedalus; but somehow destroys the glass blower in the process. Hercules takes the glass blower away and cuts his promo while Newton makes a bad joke about glass bowls to end the episode at 4:30 approx. Moral of the episode: Glass suck the life out more than just air. This gets * 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the finish and the glass blower's hideous design. * 1/4 (25%).
Sun Diamond Of Helios: Moving right along with episode #21 on the animation paper as the episode opens with a shoreline, a lighthouse and some birds flying around said lighthouse. The waves are crashing around as apparently this island is Wilamine's island and we jump cut to Wilamine standing with Elvira on her shoulder holding a diamond. But not just any old diamond; oh no! This is the Sun Diamond Of Helios as we get a zoom in, fade to black and jump cut to the closeup of the diamond in her hands all in three seconds. So we get a sequence of Wilamine holding the sun diamond up to the sun and it's mysterious rays (her words, not mine) shine into the diamond and then literally into her eyes. This would blind a normal person; but Wilamine is not a normal human being. She now has the power to destroy stuff by looking at them. I should note that this is the best animation sequence they have done in this show in quite some time, and it still looks Z-grade. Wilamine rushes stage left to destroy the lighthouse; but even the sun diamond's power cannot fool the NSA of this show, Dadonus, the seer of Mount Olympus, via the mirror stone on the cliff. Hercules is also there. However; Dadonus proclaims that Hercules must fear the sun in Wilamine's eyes as we see her eyes and evil eye brows on the mirror stone. Hercules of course thinks this is BS because he has the ring and puts it on. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! There is a lot of animation effects in this episode as we fade to black and return with Hercules falling towards Earth. Hercules lands in a sand meadow and calls for Newton. They do an eastern pan for a long time as we jump cut to a wooden bridge over a river with Newton standing in the middle of said bridge waving and doing his annoying saying everything twice promo. Then we hear Wilamine cackle on cue and she's hiding behind a mountain before coming out as we get more repeat shots of the sun and the diamond in Wilamine's eyes. This took forever as Newton has to just stand there and he still bails stage left as Wilamine literally burns the bridge. That always amuses me for some reason.
Newton's description of his suffering psyche is even funnier in hindsight. There are creepy shots of Wilamine and her eyes destroying a log in Hercules' hand. This would have been even more amusing had the log been set on fire. I guess that's all they had in the budget at this point. Newton wants Hercules to bail, Hercules no sells because there is a lifehouse to save and Wilamine is generally annoyed at Elvira and gets the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS as a result. So, Hercules bails and decides to pull the old "stand there and throw uprooted trees which seem to grow off-screen within seconds" spot. The trees flying in a straight hyperbole make more sense than the throw as Newton watches on looking concerned. So Hercules threw seven trees in total and they make a makeshift tree prison to seal Wilamine in. Newton thinks Hercules has won, but there is a massive explosion and Wilamine is free because sun rays kill wood. Wilamine stalks Hercules to the west as Hercules looks panicky and then finds a wishing well with the conveniently placed wooden bucket next to it. Hercules runs in and we fade to black. We return at the wishing well as Hercules grabs the bucket. He throws the bucket as Wilamine makes the fatal error of recharging her eyes; which allows the bucket to land on her head as the sun diamond and Elvira go flying away from her. Wilamine struggles to get the bucket off, which seems to gain the magical power of stopping her wrecking powers and shrink enough for her to be unable to get the bucket off her head. That is one lethal bucket there as Wilamine is panicky and Hercules grabs her and basically states that she's going to prison as Newton laughs at this, that jerky centaur! Hercules cuts his promo and runs with Wilamine in his left arm to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This was probably the best Wilamine episode ever. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the excessive animation effects and long ass standing. Call it ** (40%).
Guarding Of The Olympic Torch: Here is episode #26 on the animation paper and the episode opens on Mount Olympus as we head to Zeus' throne room with Zeus and Hercules facing each other. Zeus has the famed Olympic torch in his hands as this is an histroic mission for the Mighty One. There are various angle shots of this conversation as Zeus is allowing the denizens of Earth to use the torch for their Olympic Games. However; Hercules must guard it with his life, because it is a symbol of Zeus' power. I thought his symbol of power were thunderbolts? Hercules has the torch and promises it to be safe as we scene change to Hercules slowly walking down Mount Olympus, which is very rare since he usually flies down to Earth. I guess he doesn't want the symbol of Zeus to flame out, so to speak. So we head into the forest with Hercules and the torch. We then see Newton appear and Hercules sounds shocked to see him since Newton was looking the other way before Newton turned around to face Hercules. Don't ask me why. Oh; and there is Helena sniffing flowers from a tree before turning around. Jump cut to behind a tree with Daedalus and Dydo looking on because Daedalus wants to steal the torch and make Hercules look weak. Dydo meows as we jump cut back to Hercules and Helena exchanging notes as Helena would like to hold the torch, Hercules complies and puts on his ring as it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Now, it would be funnier if we discover that Helena was really Otis in a neat disguise, but the writers are too clueless to persue that angle. Then we hear Dydo meowing and Helena is so dumb that she forgets to give the torch back to Hercules as everyone goes to search for the lost cat that we all know is Dydo playing misdirection in order for Daedalus to sneak up and steal the torch from Helena. Newton's running is more hideous than Helena's scream as everyone panics on cue. Hercules rushes in and we get the SCOOBY-DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE OLYMPIC TORCH EDITION~! This goes on for a long ass whomping time.
Daedalus stops, and then throws some shiny clay into a pit and this causes a huge explosion as somehow this causes a dead tree to fall on Hercules' back for no reason. Wait, what?! Chase continues on for a while as Daedalus finds a large tree, stops and then throws the torch into the branches of the giant tree, taunting Hercules to go get the torch. Hercules climbs the tree, but this is no good because the tree keeps growing the closer Hercules gets, thus the distance between him and the torch is still the same. Newton's psyche is suffering of course as the tree is known as Tantalus, the further Hercules climbs, the further the tree grows. Hercules finally climbs down and gives up. Daedalus has finally...Oh wait; Hercules wants his bow and arrow. Newton bails and returns with the bow and arrow. Hercules off screen fires the arrow as Daedalus looks shocked and appalled as the arrow cuts the branch with the torch and the branch lands in Hercules' hands. Oops! Hercule grabs the torch and proclaims that he can still use the branch for something else. Daedalus realizes he has horseshoes coming out of his body and he bails strage right. Hercules uses the branch; and the end of the branch is way too close to his groin, way too close. The branch shoots out towards Daedalus (must...resist...dirty...mind...) and after almost thirty seconds later, the branch grabs Daedalus and he is stuck. Helena praises Newton and Hercules as Hercules cuts his promo in shadow, dragging Daedalus away with his horny branch to end the episode at 4:30 approx. That finish deserves *** on the trainwreck scale alone, and another 1/2 * for Hercules being a total idiot, as usual. -* 1/2 (-30%).
Helena's Beauty: Here is episode #82 on the animation paper and we begin with the biggest continuity error/misdirection moment in the series ever: They show shots of Mount Olympus and then more Mount Olympus closeups as black birds are animated and we hear chirping noises. Then we jump cut as denizens are watching on near a fish statue fountain as the narrator tells us that this is the kingdom of Caledon. Wait, WHAT?! I should note that in the 1960's, it is not unusual to hear the word gay and not be a reference to a homosexual. Times change as Hercules is presenting Helena with flowers because there is a festival going on. Helena has won the prestige award for being the fairest maiden of Caledon (and maybe all of Mount Olympus itself) and is the Queen Of The Harvest. Helena is so happy to get this award, but Wilamine is clearly pissed off even though she is the most effective woman on the show as she'll demonstrate how beautiful Helena is. Helena is trying to be modest as she asks if Hercules thinks she's beautiful and Hercules says yes. In comes Wilamine all evil and she invokes the RUBBY FACE OF DEATH on Helena as white waves comes out as a result and Helena's face is turned into a green goblin like troll. Wilamine bails as everyone psyche is suffering; most of all Helena who looks into the water fountain and she's uglier than most on-line trolls; but she's not trying to act like one. Helena cries and even worse, she also removed all of her teeth except one! What an evil heel Wilamine is as she explains that the Ointment of Mideon made her ugly and only Wilamine knows the antidote, and she'll be damned if she would ever tell Hercules and company where the antidote is. Hercules will take care of this outrage as we get a logic break: Wilamine bails east while Hercules' ship sails to the west and to Wilamine's Island. Yeah; what a shocker? Scene change to Newton and Hercules sailing on the boat westward as they land on the back of the island of Wilamine and get off the ship stage left. Jump cut to Wilamine looking on as she proclaims that they have found something; but not what they are looking for as Elvira nods and shakes for a while. Jump cut to Hercules invoking the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH at Wilamine's cave as we pan over westward to see said cave. Hercules thinks this is where the antidote is; which of course it is not. Jump cut to the babyfaces inside the cave as Newton calls this a spooky cave. Nah; the Iron Vulture is much spookier. POW! OUCH! Ummm..Hello Ted, didn't see you coming.
Hercules walks around and then out of nowhere he stops because a ball and chain device snags Hercules' leg. Newton panics on cue as Hercules is calm and tries to pull on the metal cuffs, but it's no go. The only purpose served in this was so Hercules can put on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules breaks the cuff and causes the chain to turn brown in the process as Newton is in glee over this. Apparently; Newton turns around and somehow notices the cave has been sealed up for no reason. Oh; and water is flooding the cave causing Newton to panic some more. Hercules thinks they are really trapped this time as he grabs the chain of the ball & chain device and spins it around for a while. He then tosses it up and it destroys the wall of the cave as we head outside as water falls out like a waterfall. Newton and Hercules come out and somehow land on a cliff that leads to the real cave of Wilamine. Hercules goes into the cave as there is smoke coming out of said cave; and there is a cauldron containing the ointment of Mideon inside. Hercules puts his hands on the steam and this is enough to coat his hands with the substance. This somehow causes Newton to teleport onto a grassy field to cut a promo and then bail stage right. Wilamine then foolishly blows her cover and taunts Hercules. Hercules casually and off-screen invokes the RUBBY FACE OF DEATH on Wilamine and she turns into an ugly troll and this one is much more fitting. Wilamine panics and bails stage right and because she's so vain, she goes to a water puddle and rubs the water into her face, which turns her face back to normal and then bails stage right. Hercules and Newton come in as Hercules grabs some water from the puddle as Hercules returns and invokes the RUBBY FACE OF LIFE into Helena's face and she returns to normal. Helena looks reserved now as Helena is wanting a kiss from Hercules after Hercules calls her pretty. Hercules of course leaves her hanging on that; so Newton the Perverted Centaur kisses Helena on the cheek complete with heart animation effects. Helena is not happy with this as Hercules runs up the hills with Wilamine in tow to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets *** on the trainwreck scale for a really boring middle, troll faces that look like actual troll faces and not internet ones, lots of Speed Racer-equse sound effects and Newton being a perverted centaur. Learn consent you stupid centaur! -* 1/2 (-30%).
Newton's Replacement: I think this is episode #113 on the animation paper (Friend or Foe of Centaur) since it makes the most sense. Episode opens in an open forest with Newton singing his favorite song of all time; since it's basically the only song he ever sings in this show. Tewt is blowing his syrinx with Newton singing as the artwork in the background looks impressive at this point. Newton and Tewt finish the song by walking towards a farm property as we discover that the barn on the left is in fact, both Newton and Tewt's official home. Wow; I didn't think the writers would even think this far into the story about Newton's home. We head into the barn as Newton is tired and wants some rest because he is Hercules' assistant after all. He also shows off stock footage pictures with his friend Hercules. I'm sorry; that one with Newton and Hercules swinging the boar around has got to be a fake. Apparently; tomorrow is Hercules taking Newton to the Olympic Games in Caledon as Newton sits down, yawns and tells Tewt to not make any noise. Tewt shakes his head and sees Newton sleeping and snoring. Tewt then suddenly makes noise and Newton wakes up. Tewt is pointing at something and it's the Mighty Hercules with another centaur, only with grey skin (except for the white skin on the top half) a black bushy tail and black hair, looking cocky and confident while carrying what appears to be a whip. Oh wait; it's a string attached to an arrow Hercules is firing. Maybe this cocky centaur is one of the new competitors for the Olympic Games and Hercules is training him. Now; I could have never guessed that this was all a dream, until Hercules gives it away by claiming that the centaur's name is Notwen, which is Newton spelt backwards. If it was Notwin, then this would have been believable as real. So Hercules asks Notwen if he is ready, Notwen is, Hercules fires the rope arrow and Notwen goes flying and Notwen jumps down and lands on the mountain perfectly. Notwen waves and Hercules is happy as Newton is confused by this. Tewt is whistling angerly on his syrinx as Newton is told that Notwen is his new assistant. Newton goes all Raven on us of course. So Hercules tells Notwen to go beat up a straw dummy of Daedalus perched on the tree, the Iron Mask dummy on a cliff and a Wilamine dummy on a mountain top; as if it's much different from the real dummies. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! ZAP! OUCH! Ummmm...
Hercules tells Notwen to step on his out of nowhere shield and Notwen is already on the case as the shield has a rope attached to it. Hercules throws the shield into the air, as it acts like a flying kite/airfoil device with Hercules flying it like a kite. Notween destroys all three dummies by punching Daedalus in the face, Mask in the back of the head (which if this were the real iron mask; this would have no effect on the man, so this is clearly a dream since Hercules would have taught Notween to remove the mask first) and shoves Wilamine because it's still considered man on woman violence, even if it's made of straw. Hercules is so impressed that Notwen is the best assistant ever and really, who can argue. Newton will! Newton will! Damn; now I'm starting to sound like Newton. Like Newton! That's horrifying! That's horrifying! POW! POW! OUCH! OUCH! Ummm...Ummm...Newton is so pissed off that he wants to beat up Daedalus for real! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, Newton; dream or no dream. So Daedalus kidnaps Newton and flies Newton northwest as Newton struggles and is now crying for help. Hercules seems somewhat concerned; but Notwen yawns like he doesn't care; but decides, okay; we'll help the crybaby. Hercules blows the whistles and this summons Pegasus (YAY!) who lands on the cliff via a fade to black. Hercules gets on Pegasus' back and rides into the sky to the northeast cutting his catchphrase: "Wings away, Pegasus!". We fade to black again and return with Daedalus still with Newton in his grasp. Here comes Hercules as Newton is screaming and Daedalus is panicking in that order. Hercules invokes the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE and loops Daedalus good as Newton falls and Notwen grabs him without incident. I was half expecting him to drop Newton off a cliff and expecting Hercules not to care. Newton is not amused by this because he didn't want to be saved and tells Tewt that he's going home. Tewt at least nods and follows him as we fade to black. So we head back to the barn as Newton is crying his eyes out as I have seen worse. Suddenly; Tewt and Hercules arrive as Hercules tells Newton that it's time to go to the Olympic Games and wake up. Yes; Newton was dreaming all along as Newton is confused and Hercules basically explains that Notwen is Newton spelt backward. Newton is so happy that he and Tewt run out of the barn and into the plains with glee. Hercules cuts his usual off-screen to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets *** on the trainwreck for Notwen, a lot of dummies and the most obvious dream in history. -** (-40%).
Helena's Birthday: I'm guessing this is episode #36 (Hercules Protects Helena and Newton) on the animation paper as we open with a pan shot of a forest as we are having a birthday feast with Hercules, Helena, Newton and Tewt. It's Helena's birthday by the way, and her age will never be known. I'm guessing early twenties at this point; but what do I know? Of course; the babyfaces have to keep still while Tewt is playing music on his syrinx. Helena claps and pops for Tewt's music and the sound of cheering is so awful here that Tewt looks somewhat ashamed by this. Hercules gives Helena a present; I don't know why it's behind his back since the entire thing is already sealed up and no one knows what it is inside. Helena gets the present and opens it to reveal a golden statue of herself, from King Zeus himself. Aw! I didn't know Zeus cared about humans outside of Hercules. Newton's flowers seem to be literally changing spieces in between shots as it's now time for Newton to sing. The one thing that doesn't sound annoying. Newton screws up because it's supposed to be Helena's birthday, so shouldn't the song say "a friend like Helena", instead of "a friend like Hercules"?! This is so stupid and Helena don't care one bit at all that the song isn't a tribute song to her. There is a lot of fruit in that salad bowl as we jump cut to Wilamine and Elvira hiding behind a tree fuming over this because Wilamine never has birthdays like this. Oh; and her birthday is on the same day as Helena's; how convenient eh? Then Daedalus arrives to make sure Wilamine isn't empty handed as Wilamine turns around looking all giddy about this. Daedalus then shows her a...wait for it...a seed. What a troll move by Daedalus?! Wilamine turns her back on Daedalus and does the Gruffi pose, not happy at all. Daedalus then proclaims that this a special kind of seed and wants Wilamine to follow him so he can demonstrate this seed. Wilamine relucently follows him to the shoreline as Daedalus claims that sandy soil works best for this seed. He drops the seed into the ground as Wilamine still has the Gruffi pose on full blast. She is not amused as I'm not amused either.
So the seed grows into a gaint ribber hose stemmed yellow flower which Wilamine blows off. Daedalus grabs the hose part and aims the flower straight at a stone tower; which the flower turns into the JAWS OF HALF LIFE and crumbles the tower into rocks. Daedalus gave her this gift to destroy ships on her island and Wilamine is so impressed that she says to hell with the ship; I want to ruin Helena's life. Wilamine waves the stem of the JAW FLOWER OF DEATH as it goes towards the area where the babyfaces are as Newton finishes his song. Now; if these writers had a clue, the first thing that should happen is that the flower destroys the golden statue Helena got, so Hercules has more of a motive to take this thing on. Nope; Newton already warns Hercules as his psyche is suffering and the flower snaps at Hercules. Tewt is blowing his syrinx in a panic as we jump cut to Wilamine and Daedalus watching from the beach. Jump cut to Hercules putting on his ring and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! This would have been more effective if the statue Helena got was destroyed before this happened, but of course; this show is out to lunch. As usual. Hercules jumps up and gets caught into the flowers clutches and we proceed to have the funny fight of doom again. This is the weakest struggling I have ever seen in my life as Daedalus thinks the flower has won, and even Wilamine is pointing out that this is BS. Jump cut to Hercules tearing up the flower petals; I was half expecting him to say "She loves me, she loves me not". Surprised that didn't happen. Tewt continues to blow on his syrinx and pointing straight at the heels. Hercules then takes the rubber stem of doom, runs, uproots the stem, causes the heels to flee, and throws the stem at the heels and this ties them up on the beach. Heels scream, Tewt blows syrinx, Newton carries a basket of unopened presents, Helena carries statue, Hercules cuts promo and smiles to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** 1/2 on the trainwreck scale for the flower monster, bad booking and a whole lot of nothing going on. -1/2* (-10%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; it's yadda, yadda, yadda. So, there are only eight episodes left in Easter Sadism 2018. I have nothing else to say, other than...OLYMPIAN~! No April Fooling here! So...
Thumbs way down in hell for everything (Thumbs in the middle for half of the episodes and thumbs down for the remaining half on the trainwreck scale) and I'll see you all next time.