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The Mighty Hercules: The Second Finale That Never Came
Reviewed: 04/02/2018
You Stupid, Silly, Centaurian Bastard...AGAIN!
Welcome to Easter Sadism 2018 everyone! On the Easter weekend; I decide to channel my Mr. Enter (and actually have a fun time doing it) and take on the worst of the worst in cartooning. You know; I always hear from the old farts and people who watch modern cartoons today and say that this is a bad cartoon. I just want to smack them upside the head and say: "No, you watched a good cartoon! THIS is a bad cartoon." Because most of the critics probably never watched the old shoestring Z-grade cartoons of the 1960's and 1970's. Yes; you can blame resources and moral guardians for most of it; but kids who defend modern cartoons just don't give a crap about that. A couple years back; I ranted on one of the worst animated series' in Japan; known as Chargeman Ken and to say that I was entertained was a massive understatement. It was the perfect storm of apathy, insanity and stupidity all rolled into one. At the time; it was also the oldest cartoon series I have reviewed. Well; it's time to review a show that hits much closer to home, is at least ten years older than Chargeman Ken and is also a hideous hilarious show in it's own way. Welcome to the rant shack: The Mighty Hercules; also known as Mr. Satan's favorite show! And no; it's not the Disney version of Hercules; nor Hercules Hernandez from the WWE. So; it's time for more beating up Greek mythology and looking laughable in the process just for my amusement. So let's rant on shall we...?
The Defiant Mask Of Vulcan: Here is episode #23 on the animation paper as the episode opens with a shot of the kingdom of Caledon and panic is the order of the day as we cut to a shot of a door opening to reveal, Murtis, the man with the Iron Mask on, which means Murtis cannot be harmed as long as he has the Mask Of Vulcan on. I have already mentioned how stupid this gimmick has become and it's only going to get even stupider as this show progresses. Someone in the background proclaims that Murtis stole the royal scepter from King Dorian as a royal guard with a morning star weapon cuts Murtis off. However; Iron Mask on equals destroyed morning star and scolding from Murtis as he demands the royal guard to stop cutting him off right now. The royal guard complies as we scene change to outside Caledon in a plains with Newton flying a kite and Tewt looking on. Considering how messed up this show can be, kite flying sounds like something that didn't happen in Greek mythology; but what do I know? Oh; and someone in the background is yelling about Murtis again. Newton gives the kite string to Tewt and proclaims that he must tell Hercules twice over. I'm certain he already knew the first time, Newton. Newton does his awkward run animation stage left, and this only served the purpose of Tewt being unable to handle the kite as they are sliding in safe. Newton grabs Tewt and then we fade to black with Newton apologizing. We return with Newton tying the string of the kite to a tree branch. Newton finishes up and then Murtis grabs him out of nowhere which causes Tewt to run faster than Sonic in a flash. Oh; and Murtis also remembers to call Newton a stupid centaur of course. Tewt sonic runs for a while and finds Hercules. Of course; Hercules and Tewt are exchanging notes because Hercules has trouble figuring out what Tewt's tune is on the syrinx. Hercules brings out the ring and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Tewt leads the way with Hercules following him westward. Jump cut to the tree with the kite string, Murtis and Newton; and once Murtis sees Hercules, he flicks Newton away stage left.
Newton is sliding on his ass as Hercules calls for him. Newton is annoying as Murtis is happy to see Hercules because he cannot be harmed as long as he has the Mask of Vulcan. Even taking the royal scepter from his hand is impossible; and those animation techniques are even more so. Tewt hides behind a tree since Newton's psyche is suffering again. Hercules then notices the kite and breaks off the tree branch causing Murtis to be confused. Fade to black and Hercules simply tosses it aside as the branch literally lifts the Mask Of Vulcan off Murtis' head and floats up into the sky. Hercules, who couldn't get a royal scepter out of Murtis' hands; but one stray branch takes the mask off with ease. This is so stupid. Oh; and there are thunderstorms arising as a thunderbolt destroys the kite and the mask falls to earth and rolls onto the ground. Murtis tries to bail to grab the mask; but Hercules cuts him off, tackles him down to the ground, does the BOWSER TAILSPIN OF DEATH with Murtis' legs and throws him into a tree and this somehow does not kill Murtis. Hercules kicks the mask to Newton as he bails with the scepter, which the top has changed shape in between shots. We end the episode at 4:30 approx with Newton banging the mask on his back and Tewt playing with his syrinx while Hercules cuts his promo off-screen. Well; this was a complete burial of Murtis as this gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the pointless kidnapping of a stupid centaur and Hercules basically squashing Murtis like a bug. * (20%).
The Bewitch Birds: Here is episode #33 on the animation paper as the episode opens at a large farm field with stacks of hay dotting the landscape. The narrator claims that they are at the Luinderian Valley as a flock of male Harpies with devil like faces swoop downward and head to a cave. One of the harpies enters the cave to find Murtis working at his shop, probably making more Masks of Vulcan. Murtis turns around and addresses the harpy as Greatus, the birdmen king, and despite not speaking any language but grunts, Murtis fully understands Greatus and so does Greatus understand Murtis for that matter. So they make a deal; half of the grain Murtis gets as Greatus and his flock get the other half; as well as Masks of Vulcan to wear to repel Hercules. Geez; the birdmen got the best end of the deal here. Fade to black as Murtis creates the masks and puts them on the shelf. He shows them off to the birdmen and then we cut to a bunch of denizens cheering Newton as he comes in doing miltary presses with the bales of grain while wearing the moonstone belt. And here comes Greatus and his birdmen all wearing the Masks of Vulcan, just to be dicks. Newton's psyche is suffering, but the cure is more moonstone beam shooting towards Mount Olympus. Here comes Hercules falling towards Earth and lands in front of Newton, just in time for the birdmen to swoop in and start stealing the grain bales. And that pile seems as bottomless as the bottomless soup bowl I always hear about. Hercules jumps up and does the Roman-Greco knucklelock of death on Greatus; but since the mask is in play, Hercules loses easily as he is dropped on his ass as Newton is sad because all the grain has been stolen from the fields. Then we pan over and the denizens still have three bales of grain left on the ground. Oops! Hercules proclaims that the birdmen will still have to remove the masks to eat the grain as he brings out the horse whistle and blows it. Here comes Pegasus as it lands and shows off it's wings. Hercules puts the ring on and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules jumps on Pegasus' back. Pegasus looks irritated; but flys up into the sky.
Scene change to an abandoned volcano where the birdmen and all the bales of grain are present. The birdmen are dividing the grain and here comes Hercules with an out of control Pegasus. I think the animators simply didn't have enough resources to do Pegasus simply flapping it's wings in the air; so they reused the Pegasus is out of control animation sequence. That makes the show look really low rent, more so than usual. Greatus points to the pile of masks out of nowhere, and Hercules sees them. Why they didn't use the closeup of Hercules when he gets the bow and arrow out in place of Pegasus out of control is a mystery to me. So, Hercules fires three arrows and blows the masks away stage left as Hercules jumps down in front of the cliff. Apparently; Greatus is now called Swedetus now as the birdmen king is begging for forgiveness. Hercules orders the birdmen to take the grain back to their rightful owners and we jump cut back to Newton neighing and then turns around in shock because Murtis has showed up and proclaims that the birdmen have done their job. Literally three seconds later, we hear thumping sounds as Newton watches on because it's raining hay! Hooray! Murtis protestes this outrage while pumping his fist as Hercules arrives with Pegasus and the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS everywhere as the lasso removes the Mask of Vulcan from Murtis, just like that. And then Murtis gets lassoed and carried away stage left. Scene change to a shot of the denizens and Newton cheering with their bales of hay as Hercules cuts his promo while flying stage left on Pegasus with Murtis in tow to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the usual stupidity with Murtis and low rent animation involving Pegasus. 1/2* (10%).
Timon's Grandfather and Hercules: Next up is episode #73 on the animation paper as we begin this episode outside Timon's house with Timon propped against the tree with the Gruffi pose on as an old man wearing mostly blue is talking to a boy in a white shirt, tan shorts and black shoes. The old man is Timon's Grandfather and this was Monty before Monty was an Aussie Stereotype; telling such a BS story, I swear the man was talking about Newton, which is just as unbelievable. Timon's reaction says it all to me, by the way. The child is surprised by this story and then asks if Timon's Grandfather helped him fight any monsters and of course, the old man is going to claim that he did, and Timons is whisper yelling to the old man, so you know these stories are BS. Oh sure, claim that these stories are harmless. If that's true; then religion is totally harmless as well. The old man manages to get his track of thought back as he explains that Hercules was paying Timon's Grandfather a visit, and so Daedalus was going to surprise them. Now, I can believe this one, sort of. Even more so, since Newton was involved and we HIT THE FLASHBACK~! We see Hercules and Newton walking into town and they make it to Timon's house. They knock on the door off-screen as we see Daedalus hiding behind the house. Grandpa Timon opens the door and lets the two babyfaces in since Grandpa Timon is in fact friends with Hercules. Okay; that is believable at least. Daedalus whistles to something as we hear the most scariest sound effect of all time, the hissing sound. Pan over to a green dragon like monster with octopus tentacles, elephant trunks as hands and furry legs. That is one mean chimerian manticore there, dood! He's also destroyed some trees in the area already. The monster stalks the house and uproots it from it's foundation, causing everyone inside to look confused and terrified, in that order. Grandpa Timon yells to Hercules to take care as the monster grabs Hercules with his tentacle and wraps him in it's arms. I barely hear Grandpa Timons' narration in the background as Newton psyche is suffering once again. Hercules is knocked out and cannot access his ring. Uh-oh!
Daedalus proclaims that Hercules is done for now and Grandpa Timons' looks ashamed of himself and bails stage left, teasing that he gives up when we fade to black...Then he finds a conveniently placed oil jug on the floor and grabs it, then we fade to black again. We return with Grandpa Timons pouring oil on the ground and this oil is so amazing that it manages to move right under the monster's feet and the monster slips and falls down off-screen with a sick bump onto it's back. Newton cracks a joke about this as Hercules waves to Grandpa Timons and puts on the ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules throws the monster stage right and it takes another sick bump off-screen. Hercules asks where Daedalus is, and apparently; Grandpa Timons MURDERED Daedalus with the oil jug as Daedalus is flat on his back, completely knocked silly. Hercules offers to build him a new cottage and we return to reality (no, not really) to finish the story. This story sounds totally believable within the confines of the storyline, as there was nothing to make me believe that this didn't happen. The kid loves the story as Timons is whispering yelling to Grandpa Timons that Hercules was hiding behind a tree, listening to every word of it. The story is that Timons thinks that Grandpa Timons made this story up and now that Hercules has heard it, Grandpa Timons is screwed. Grandpa Timons has his hand in his mouth to tease us further that this was a BS story. Hercules simply greets him, they salute each other and then Hercules leaves, just like that. This is an unspoken way of saying that Grandpa Timons was in fact telling the turth, because Grandpa and the kid praise Hercules before Hercules cuts his off-screen promo to end the episode at 4:30 approx. The kid looks like a human version of Newton with black hair and this whole story was fine with nothing really hideous or anything. No rating on the trainwreck scale and ** (40%).
Hercules Outwits The Magician: Next up is episode #85 on the animation paper as the episode opens inside the cave of Daedalus with Daedalus planning to do something truly out of pure evil; with Dydo watching on. A lot of seizure inducing lights show up for no reason as the narrator tells us that this experiment is about to end. Daedalus then shows a pair of glass lenses as he talks to Dydo about them. The lenses are for Hercules, you see as he takes six vials of pink liquid and then bails out of his cave with Dydo (and his whites of his eyes being green today) jumping from the shelf. Scene change to Hercules spinning a short whip into the air for some unknown reason. Newton wants to know what is going on here as Hercules simply tells him to watch and see. Jump cut to the sky with a purple bird with a black mask on and bat wings as Newton calls it the Sideous Bird Beast; whom Hercules has officially house trained. Awww; my heart melted! The SBB lands on Hercules' left arm and then flies off on Hercules' command. The SBB flies eastward in the sky and then we jump cut to Daedalus throwing a vial of pink liquid right into the SBB's kisser! The SBB is dizzy and crowing, but manages to stay aflight as Newton points out the obvious to us. Daedalus dares Hercules to come to him and even Newton is whisper yelling to him that there is BS going to happen. Hercules goes after him anyway as Daedalus backs up and his selling of fright is hideous, so much so that I know that it's making Hercules look like an idiot. This also makes Newton look like an idiot as well as he is no longer concerned about Hercules walking into a trap. So, we play chicken for a while as Daedalus dodges Hercules and chucks three more vials of pink explosion liquid of doom at Hercules. Five explosions ensue and somehow Daedalus still has more pink vials left. Why does that not surprise me?! Hercules then casually grab one of the vials and throws it back at Daedalus, forcing Daedalus to bail stage right.
Then Daedalus lands on a cliff, Hercules rushes at him, Daedalus dodges, Daedalus flies away, Hercules dives head first into some storm clouds with Newton pleading and Daedalus follows him into the dreaded SMOKE FOREST OF DEATH~! Welcome to the wasteland; so WWE basically stole that for The Ancension in case you didn't figure that one out! Daedalus explains that it's another "You aimlessly wonder in area and can never get out alive" area as Daedalus finally shows his lenses off while Hercules aimlessly walks around and looks around looking confused. Basically; these are magic glasses to aid him in seeing Hercules and finding the way out. Now; if Daedalus is smart, he flies straight up and leaves Hercules in the wasteland forever. Of course, that will not happen because the heel in these stories has to look stupid in the end since you got to put the babyface over. That's effective storytelling. So Daedalus has to shove Hercules around like a bully for a while. Then some plant thingie grabs Hercules and ties him up; also known as the Vampus Vine according to Daedalus. Hercules sells as if his energy is being sapped during the putting on the ring and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So Hercules breaks free from the Vampus Vine with ease, of course! Daedalus is impressed so much that he takes my advice and flies out of the wasteland. However; here comes the SBB whom has recovered from his dizzy attack earlier, so Hercules brings out his whip and does his spinning trick again. The SBB caws and dives in as we scene change to Newton watching from the cliff. Daedalus returns to mock Hercules and Newton; but Newton is giddy as Daedalus basically is channeling Newton because Hercules grabs him and they both go off westward with the SBB in shadows to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This gets nothing on the trainwreck scale since nothing here was actively hideous, so call it * 1/2 (30%).
The Chameleon Man: Moving right along, here is episode #89 on the animation paper as the episode opens at Mount Olympus, which sometimes doubles as Caledon because this show is on a shoestring budget. We see a royal guard playing a trumpet to summon someone as we get shots of Mount Olympus for a while before cutting to Hercules putting on his moonstone belt and running to King Zeus' throne room. Otis is here as Zeus renders a judgment because Otis broke into Zeus' royal arsenal and the penalty for that is exile from Mount Olympus. Otis don't care because he hates Mount Olympus, or something. I guess he stole something since he was bored. In comes Hercules as Zeus asks if Hercules' chariot (and by extension, Pegasus) is ready. Hercules says yes and Zeus tells Hercules to take Otis down to Earth and basically get him out of Mount Olympus' sight. So we gets a flying sequence in the sky with Otis and Hercules standing in the chariot with Pegasus with clouds repeating over and over again. Even 1990's cartoons suffer from this to a certain degree, so whatever. We land in the creepy forest of doom as Otis gets off and then Hercules flies away with Pegasus and that is that. The only thing of note is Otis swearing revenge on Mount Olympus, after claiming that he didn't care about being on Mount Olympis anymore. So, indeed; he just wanted to be King Zeus, but couldn't handle it. Sounds a lot like Donald Trump nowadays. So Wilamine sees all of this behind a tree and Otis spots her. Wilamine is about to bail stage left; when Otis cuts her off to inform her that Otis want to just talk to her basically. Wilamine has no friends (except for Elvira) and wants none; but Otis wants to help her defeat her enemies and has a potion container containing the essence from the egg of the Chameleon creature (also known as Gumby Hisser to me) and Otis demonstrates this potion, turning into Elvira after some really creepy animation sequences. So, yes; this is Otis' original story. I always thought he was always a chameleon by birthright, but this story claims that he used magic to become one and was just a guy. Otis is clearly the lighter shade of green parrot by the way.
So, Otis asks if Wilamine wants a servant and Wilamine is impressed and assigns Otis to kidnap Helena and take her to Wilamine's caverns where she will be lost forever. Scene change to the plains with Helena looking eastward. She calls for Newton and here comes Newton being annoying again. Jump cut to Otis perched on Wilamine's shoulder with Elvira as Otis jumps off and transforms into the most greenist of green griffons I have ever seen. So the griffon rushes in stage right as Wilamine bails for her island stage left. Newton notices Otis right away and there is more psyches suffering as the Otis Griffon almost subdues Newton by tickling him. Otis then awkwardly kidnaps Helena. Newton is down as he hears Helena scream. Newton opens the buckle to shine the moonstone beam over Mount Olympus. Hercules notices the beam right away and puts on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! So, Hercules whistles in Pegasus and gets on it's back. Hercules rides in the sky as he finds Otis, Wilamine and Helena at the shoreline to Wilamine's caverns. Otis flies in to run interference for a while. Hercules jumps off Pegasus and we proceed to have a sky fight with Otis Griffon as the animation made this one look a lot more violent than it actually was. Otis Griffon gets punched on screen and none of the effect flashes covered those punches to the face; at least twelve times before Hercules grabs Otis Griffon by the neck and Otis surrenders right there. Hercules agrees to let go of Otis; if Otis does exactly what he says. Which is to turn on Wilamine, grab Wilamine and fly her away stage right. That is exactly what Otis does before Wilamine can push Helena into the cave and that is that. Newton rushes in and wonders where Hercules is. Helena giggles, points to the sky and Hercules cuts the usual on Pegasus to end the episode at 4:30 approx. This was all right as an origin story; but who cares about Otis at this point? No ratng on the trainwreck scale and * 1/2 (30%).
Helena Cries Wolf: Next is episode #27 on the animation paper and we begin this one in the middle of the ocean with a turn overed boat and Helena crying for help already! It's called the Sea Of Serapis by the narrator as we get a still shot of Helena on the row in the crystal stone of Dadonus, the seer of Mount Olympus. Dadonus panics, so he clearly not NSA material, or else he would know Helena was faking this even though Helena is doing a hell of a job selling this as if it were real. Hercules puts on his ring and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER RESCUING TIME~! Dadnous proclaims that the boat sinks swiftly, which would have been fine if we saw that on the crystal stone; but the crystal stone shows absolutely nothing. Oops! Hercules is shown coming towards Earth as the narrator tries to convince me that this is the fastest Hercules has come to Earth. That fails as Hercules lands near the shore as we hear Helena scream some more. Hercules runs to the shoreline and dives into the water. He swims over and saves Helena as the boat sinks into the ocean. Hercules has Helena in his arms and instantly Hercules realizes that he has been set up because he's standing on the ocean floor and the area isn't deep enough to drown even a baby lamb. Geez; Helena pulling a fast one on you, just to get attention? Why would she do that, other than because Hercules keep leaving her hanging in nearly every episode that she is in? Hercules decides to let it go and gets her to shore as we scene change to Newton being a jerk and laughing, and this does not impress the Mighty Hercules at all. Newton explains that Helena was faking it all along and Hercules acts shocked, as if the depth of the water wasn't relevent at all. Remind me to never hire Hercules as a detective. We see Helena scene change over to herself waving and Hercules finally understands what is going on here. Hercules is not amused as he bails stage left; while Helena giggles while walking in the opposite direction; which is never a good idea...because that is the signal for a green, scary, hissy dragon like monster to stalk her! And since it's the Forbidden Forest, damn it to hell if I'm not right! Grim turn, indeed!
Helena hides behind a tree and screams while the dragon hissing monster snorts for a while. Jump cut to Hercules and Newton as they are not buying this. Wow; what jerks these two are?! Usually it takes two fake attempts before they get that it's a fake the third time (when the third time is not fake). Hercules is not fooled as Helena bails as the paw touches the tree and then Hercules hears hissing and realizes that she is not faking it actually. Even Hercules isn't this stupid and that huge of a prick as he rushes in and Hercules rapid punches the monster for a long ass whomping time as at least the punches are making contact this time. The hissing monster of doom swipes Hercules away and Hercules hits the back of his head and back into the tree and slide down slumping on the ground. That didn't kill him of course as he gets up and runs stage left as we get the old shoestring off-screen fight complete with sick bumps and shaking the camera to simulate movement. Sadly; this takes the intensity out of the fight; but it also takes out the trainwreck nature of the fight and renders it boring. Then we simply repeat the rapid punching scene, which is much better anyway. Then we get the funniest thing I have ever seen: Hercules punches the dragon up into the high, and then gets in position to make it look like he was slapped in the face with the monster's tail and goes flying stage right, while the monster goes straight up. This was to set up Hercules being down on the ground and playing dead as Helena comes over to see Newton claiming that it looks bad. Nice touch to show the audience that Hercules is faking it, by telling Newton to basically shut up. Newton still doesn't shut up; but Helena falls for it anyway. Helena cries and proclaims that she'll never forgive herself. Hercules, just opens his eyes and tilts his head up once and then plays dead again. Somehow, Helena realizes that Hercules tricked her, now they are even. HUZZAH~! Newton rubs it in as Helena is not amused by this as Hercules cuts his promo while running away. And then the last shot shows Helena basically saying "Maybe this time...", basically saying that she has not learned her lesson to end the episode at 4:30 approx. And after nearly getting killed by that monster, I would give up this routine. But not Helena; oh no! Leaving her hanging, makes her totally justified in her behaviour. This gets ** on the trainwreck scale for the entire "cry wolf" plot and ending. -* (-20%).
Double Trouble: So, we have a really early season episode #7 on the animation paper; as we open the episode in the forest with Daedalus flying around as we are clearly in first voices mode, at least in theory. Suddenly; a Caledonian guard comes out of nowhere with a spear, informing us that Daedalus was banished from Caledon. Ah; so we are at the city limits, I see. Daedalus has a green clam container as he opens it and dust engulfs Daedalus, and his voice changes to the first voice of Hercules as we get lots of explosions and Daedalus transforms into Hercules, in every way possible, I might add. Sadly; it didn't change his face to match since it looks like an evil, malevolent Hercules, rather than the pleasant, kind Hercules we often see. This is going to taint the entire plot since we aren't suppose to know which Hercules is which, but the face assures that we can tell them apart and the characters have to pretend that they are the same. This will make them look like idiots. So Daecules MURDERS the royal guard with one punch and he's seeing stars and stars of David in the process. Jump cut to Hercules standing somewhere and this is the real one due to not having an evil face. Despite using the first voices, they are using the second version animation as Hercules puts his ring on and it's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules explains that Daedules has found the pot of transformation. Of all the absurd names on this show; the early season episode sure used bland, generic names for everything. Newton has shown up, for no reason. Newton's psyche is suffering as we hear a shout that Daeules is on the way as the animators try to assure us that the Hercules' look the same. It's not working well at all. The good news is that Hercules is not fooled by this as he tells Daeules to prove himself, so Daeules uproots a tree and throws it towards Hercules. Hercules jumps in and grabs the tree to cut it off because it was meant for Caledon of course.
Then we get probably the greatest intentionally funny moment of the entire series: When Hercules puts the tree down, Newton bails stage right and trips off-screen landing into the biggest muddy puddle ever. Newton is shaking mud all over him and he is pissed off. Considering that I have been ranting on Peppa Pig -- whose gimmick is jumping up and down in muddy puddles -- to see Newton so pissed off at this, just makes me laugh my ass off. Hercules' hand magically remove the mud as he calls Newton a clumsy centaur...and he really is. Newton is protesting; but the mud is off and now he's happy. This was so funny and sadly, one of the few truly hilarious moments in this entire series. So; Daeucles decides to get to Caledon (and suddenly; the animation of Daedalus is close to Hercules' character now for one sequence at least) by punching the mountain out rock by rock. Even funnier; they keep reusing animation as Hercules responds doing the exact same thing; only the animation is mirrored. I guess this is one way to sell to everyone that it might be difficult to tell them apart, but it isn't working. The rocks are coming out like they were in a gumball machine, I should note. To make this even more laughable; we jump cut to the two Hercules playing tug of war on a piece of rock and somehow, the mountain does not even come close to crushing them despite this piece of rock being way too unstable to make this work. None of this makes any sense! Then they rip the rock in two and throw each piece away. Somehow; this mountain stays in mid-air! This must be a special mountain, because none of this makes any sense! Oh; and when we cut to Newton looking on, they made the hole smaller which is an admission that they screwed up the continuity and was trying to plug up the massive logic hole. This might be the best trainwreck in the series, ever! So, Hercules and Daeules punch each other, overselling the punch by flying and then coming back as if the punch was no sold. This goes on for a long ass whomping time and then the entire mountain crumbles into debris and buries them. This is really a sick cartoon now. Newton is like plugging his ears and I was half-expecting him to do the "LALALA! I can't hear you! LALALALA!" spot; only the LALALA would be replaced with neighing and heehawing. In fact; I was hoping that would happen. It didn't happen, sadly.
And then it gets even stupider: Jump cut and they are not only not buried in rubble, they are still punching, over selling and no selling the punches. Wait, WHAT?! Newton thinks they are slaughtering each other and bails stage right as we proceed to me the two Hercules' do the human ball roll for my peverse pleasure as Hercules back bumps into a tree. Hercules? Daedules? Oh, who cares; here comes Newton with the transformation earth in his hands. Now; we proceed with the BS moment of Newton being unable to tell the two apart and the animators actually remember to reuse the original Hercules in the animation as I cannot tell them apart now. Neither could Newton Two-Two for that matter. Then the real Hercules shows the mud from his right hand (which magically reappears for no reason, just to give the writers a cheap out in this whole trainwreck) and Daedules just stands there to allow himself for Newton to throw the transformation earth right in his kisser. After some explosions and waves; Daedalus is back to normal and screwed in that order. Newton taunts Daedalus like a prick and Daedalus hides his mouth into his hood and tries to sneak off stage left, despite Hercules clearly being in the same scene. Hercules just lets him go (wow, just wow) as Newton asks what Hercules would do without him. Probably have Tewt as his assistant, which would have been many more buys than you, you stupid centaur. Oh; and just to complete the trainwreck, they switch to the second version voices as Hercules wonders about Newton's usefulness and bails to do his promo while running as Newton neighes to end the episode at 4:30 approx. MrJadedtom claims that two Hercules were twice as boring. I disagree violently with that conclusion because this was the greatest trainwreck in the entire series, bar none. This gets ***** on the trainwreck for every single second of this episode: From voice mixing, to laughable logic, to Newton in mud, to the finish, the cheap out and the ending. Everything made no sense here and it was gloriously bad. -*** (-60%).
Hercules Rescues Timon: Last up is episode #8 on the animation paper as this episode opens as we are back to the early season voices; and overlooking a village known as Alba. There is a faminine striking the village as we jump cut to Hercules and Newton bringing in baskets of foods to the hungry villagers. Hercules arrives and we see Timon's mother crying just after Hercules shows her the basket of food. The acting was horrible here as Timons' mother explains that Timon went to seek work days ago and has not returned yet. Timons' mother wants Hercules to find Timons and yes, Timons' mother is named Mother in storyline. Hercules agrees to find Timons and we fade to black. When we return to the village of Kyrus as Newton and Hercules walk in and we hear banging noises in the background. We jump cut to a blacksmith and some guy who looks like a dead ringer for Bluto from Popeye is bullying Timons into lifting extremely heavy stuff (namely a lump of iron which looks like a tombstone); and then Timons drops it and somehow teleports to where Hercules and Newton are. Hercules addresses the bully as Golus as Hercules informs Golus that he is here to take Timons home to see his mother. I assume it's to make sure his mother knows Timons is alive, but Golus takes grave offense to this and assumes that Hercules is stealing one of his workers and thus Golus threatens to kill Hercules with his spears. Newton panics; so Hercules puts on his ring. It's OLYMPIAN THUNDER CLOBBERING TIME~! Hercules grabs one spear and teases having trouble breaking said spear before breaking it. Geez; that was trollish of you, Hercules! Hercules invokes the LEGAL HAND OF GOD on Golus' face and that causes Golus to be buried in a tomb of shields. Golus struggles as Hercules bails with Newton and Timons; and the denizens in the background laugh at him despite being seen in shadows. Golus pops from the carnage and he is now pissed off. Golus swears revenge and we fade to black. We return on some path with the babyfaces exchanging notes as Timons wants to take a break from walking. Hercules decides this is all right and they sit down for a break.
Jump cut to Golus hiding behind a tree, seeing a way to get his revenge on Hercules for shoving his face into a pile of shields. Golus then does the old "Boy cries wolf" routine (only it's a wild boar this time) and both Hercules and Newton fall for it and bail stage left, leaving Timons behind. You can guess what happens next. Golus' kidnapping of Timons, looks like an attempt to smother poor Timons to death. Sadly; Golus makes the error of not gagging Timons at all; because Timons still manages to scream for help. Newton and Hercules realize how stupid they were and rush in for the save. Hercules and Newton make it to a river as the footprints stop at said edge of river. Hercules jumps in and suddenly, he cannot move as Golus laughs so badly, he must be Bluto's descedant. Anyhow; this is the River Of No Escape, because the waters are so cold, it freezes you on the spot. Apparently; Golus jumped over the river; or is immune to the waters because this otherwise makes no sense since Golus is with Timons on the other side of the river. Golus orders Timons to go back to the forge, and Timons walks away stage left. Newton's psyche is suffering, so the writers are clearly in mid series form here as Hercules points to a boulder on the cliff; which shocks Golus. Newton neighes badly (which is why replacing his voice was a good idea) and bails as he makes it to the cliff and pushes the button; sounding like the most contrived jackass in history. Golus rushes Newton, Newton dodges, Golus headbutts the rock, the rock goes down the hill, Hercules catches it, Hercules throws the rock into a cave, the rock seals the cave and the water level drops to zero. You got all that? Who's the fool now, indeed since Golus basically beat himself. Timons has returned as Hercules wonders where Golus is and he is being wedgied on a tree branch on the cliff; screaming for help and struggling. You can barely see some ass in that shot as Hercules takes both Newton and Timons back to Timons' mother. They have as tearful of a reunion as they could have in spite of the limited animation. Timons and his mother hug as Mother is gleefully happy and wants to repay Hercules. Hercules pays her with the usual promo; only it uses the second voice to end the episode and Easter Sadism 2018 at 4:30 approx. Golus was not bad as a heel although the finish made Hercules look really weak and did nothing for Newton in general. This gets * on the trainwreck scale for the voice mixing. * 3/4 (35%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; that officially ends Easter Sadism 2018 and pretty much The Mighty Hercules for now. Double Trouble was the ultimate trainwreck of this series, but everything else was merely bad. This show has nothing on Chargeman Ken and it shows as even Double Trouble was a charming trainwreck, but was no where as hideously hilarious as Chargeman Ken usually gets on a daily basis. That's really all I have to say about this and it's time to return to normal ranting and onto Series Three of Peppa Pig as Harley Bird takes over and the narrator really takes over the show as the best thing on said programme. So...
Thumbs down for everything (Thumbs up for Double Trouble and thumbs down for everything else on the trainwreck scale) and I'll see you all next time.