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Twenty Years Of Muddy Puddles: Peppa Pig Series Five #1 Rant

Reviewed: 11/18/2018
Additional Commentary/Edited: 08/25/2024

Let The Parade Of Daddy Pig Begin!

Okay fans; I have now decided to rant on this series full time, because I do in fact like this show enough that I can handle the best and worst of the Pig family from Great Britian. Okay, we finally begin Series Five as we start as the gloves are finally off of this show as it turns from just a normal pre-school show into a legendary pre-school show. How do these episodes fare?! Let's rant on shall we..?!

All the episodes are done by Neville Astley, Mark Baker and Phil Hall. Animation is done by Astely Baker Davies animation; with the two mentioned creators and Phil Davies.

Opening Moment #1: Series Five returned to Series Three's opening sequence and stays there for the remainder of the current series. The only other change appears midway through Series Six, when Amelie Bea Smith does the voice of Peppa Pig.

Playing Pretend: We begin with episode #213 on the animation paper as the episode opens at the house on the hill with Suzy riding up with helmet on, on her bicycle. Cue Queen music~! Out comes Peppa in her bicycle and both girls want to race. So, it's ready, steady, go~! Suzy says "go" a second before Peppa can get on her ride and Suzy rides down the hill stage left. Like a person with no scruples, trolls love to troll other trolls. (2024 Gregory Weagle Says: Not even fifteen seconds in, Suzy outwits Peppa. This is going be one of those series I would imagine.) Peppa tries to ride her bicycle, but the tire punctures for no reason. Geez; Daddy Pig needs to stop using cheap rubber tires. (Or maybe there's a magic pin we cannot see. SUZY SHEEP~?!) Speaking of cheap tires, here comes Daddy Pig to try to mend the tire, because he's a bit of an expert on these things. That also includes his love for concrete. More on that later in this rant. (Oh goody, the moment that made me a Peppa Pig fan for life! Not to mention, this rant will in fact reveal the payoff to Mummy Pig writing those secret letters all those years. Tons of fun!) He takes the wheel off, along with the rubber tire; which looks like a rubber band dyed in black paint. Suzy is not impressed and calling for Peppa. Question: Why does Daddy Pig need a bucket of water?! I mention this because this article on mending bicycle tyres (tires) doesn't mention water at all. I think BS&P got cold feet and Daddy Pig really meant -- rubber solution -- because a bicycle tire repair kit has a small piece of sandpaper and rubber solution. It's not glue for a good reason. Daddy Pig tells Peppa to pretend she's riding her bicycle while this is going on -- since to mend it right -- you must take your time. (Everything has a season, as Gimmick would sing.) Peppa ponders it over and runs down the hill acting like she's riding her bicycle from the Flintstones. That was funny. Suzy questions this funny running and she's half right. Peppa's pretend bicycle is all sparkly and is painted like rainbows. When you are playing pretend any bicycle is believable. So, for Peppa to have a real life believable bicycle is kind of not being bold about it. And isn't being bold part of Peppa's character?! Suzy joins in and her bicycle is slightly more bolder than Peppa's. (It's pink and fluffy. Not bold at all.) Peppa loves it of course.

In comes Danny Dog and I should note that everyone has their boots on. Huh; I wonder what the final spot is going to be?! Luckly for the writers, they found a way to make it unique. Danny wants to play ball and Suzy asks if Danny has a ball. I don't know how; but that was funny! (Dogs fetch balls, former self. It's so obvious!) Danny has no ball, but it don't matter because we can pretend to play ball and they play with a pretend ball. Okay. Danny kicks the ball; and Danny's punting skills need a lot of work. That pretend ball did not go a pretend ten yards. (It's supposed to be a soccer ball since football is soccer in Britian. You are not paying attention, former self.) In comes Rebecca Rabbit and the kids sum up Danny's kicking skills and somehow they managed to not insult him. Rebecca Rabbit wants to play "Guess who I am?" and Suzy calls her a rabbit. (Suzy Sheep as usual, does not try to suspend her disbelief.) Rebecca claims that this is a "Guess who I am pretending?" and Danny asks if she's a jackass in roundabout terms. I shake my head as Peppa claims that Rebecca is a fluffy elephant and Rebecca says she isn't any of this. I hope she says that she is a bunny; just to blow these kids' minds. She's not a space rocket either. Nice objectification there, Danny Dog, you dogass! (If you ever wonder why Danny Dog is booked like a loser, it's because of moments like this. Grow up, Danny!) Of course; she's pretending to be a carrot and I betcha she blushes when the right answer is said. I check the video...She doesn't. That was disappointing. Also, the kids are so dumb that Rebecca has to basically say: "Ask me if I'm a carrot?"; basically giving the answer away. (And who asks Rebecca if she's a carrot?! Answer: Danny Dog. Danny Dog is our GEEK OF THE WEEK~!) In comes George from the east, bouncing and giggling. If you cannot guess what he's pretending to be, you have no business reading this rant because he does it in nearly every episode he is in. Peppa calls this too easy and tells George that he can be anything he wants to be. They get a close up of George pondering this thing over, and it's too bad the Jeopardy! music is not in the public domain, because this would have been a prefect moment to use it. George picks: Dinesaur (sic), GRRRR! HAHA! The kids all sigh like bigots and answer correctly.

In comes Pedro F'N Pony skipping and wishing he was Toadwart. (Yeah, he's no ultra-cool sidekick. More like an ultra-clueless sidekick.) Pedro of course picks the most sensible thing to do: Jumping up and down in muddy puddles. DING! There's one problem with Pedro's "foolproof" plan: There are no muddy puddles anywhere, because it's sunny and dry. So close, Pedro, so damn close. Peppa proclaims that they can pretend it's raining and everyone runs in a disorganized fashion with no signs of them sliding around since water is wet and slippery. Harley Bird continues to demonstrate that her singing is hilariously awful as she is literally slipping singing her lines out just to avoid saying "the old man is snoring", because that would be an insult to Grandpa Pig. Only Daddy Pig is allowed to be insulted, it says so in his trademark notice. (Daddy Pig is going to need a concrete facial after that sick burn.) Finally; the pretend rain has stopped and it's not all that different from the "real" in storyline raining in this show. Time to jump up and down in pretend muddy puddles. Isn't it a bit overkill to have it pretend rain when you can just pretend make the muddy puddles appear?! I mean -- if they aren't real even in storyline -- why bother with logic?! Oh; and Daddy Pig has mended the bicycle tire and brings it down the hill as Suzy's bicycle was written out by teleport. (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Peppa claims that she doesn't need it anymore because she loves playing pretend. Daddy Pig wants to join in, but Peppa stops him because even in the world of pretending puddle jumping you must wear your boots. HAHA! Daddy Pig then claims that he is wearing pretend boots and Peppa accepts that carte-blanche. Geez; why bother with the kids wearing their boots for real in this segment?! Not that it matters; it's still funny anyway. Even though they are pretend puddles, Daddy Pig is still doing his usual ritual of causing earthquakes. Everyone loves to jump up and down in pretend muddy puddles to end the episode at 4:30. Outside of Danny's objectification; this was a fun episode filled with pretend spots that were believable enough to enjoy. (Even funnier, the ending credits have Peppa singing the same song earlier in the episode and she sings it perfectly! I'm guessing Harley Bird fucked up the song the first time and the writers thought it was so funny that they used it in the actual episode! Awesome! Call this *** 1/2 (70%).)

The Castle: Next up is episode #214 on the animation paper as the episode opens on the boring road with Daddy Pig driving the car with the rest of the Pig family in their seats. The narrator states that the family is going to visit...wait for it...a castle. This would be the second time they have visited the castle, so they are rebooting the series in full now. And what a reboot it is since it's almost like a continuation of the series, only stuck on Groundhog Day. Peppa asks what they will do at the castle and asks if it's fun or if it's boring. Mummy Pig checks the travel guide which features the castle with a clear cross on it. Mummy Pig says it will be good as Peppa asks about knights in armor and George loves that. Daddy Pig chimes in that they might see a dragon or two and George likes that one too. Mummy and Peppa say it will be a pretend dragon because dragons are not real and only in stories. Like in National Geographic for example. (Peppa saying that dragons are not real is comedy diamond since they are anthromorphic talking pigs! I cannot take anything you say seriously. That promo sucked!) The car parks at the end of the road as there are cracks in the road; and the cannon ball on the ground makes it heavily implied that someone has been firing the cannon and trying to destroy the gift shop, but keeps on missing. So, this what Jack W. Tweeg has been doing in recent years?! How low on the diginity scale does Tweeg have to be in order to be that mad at Miss Rabbit running a gift shop near a castle?! It's not like she's running it on the moon...Oh wait... Trust me; the joke is dead now. Of course; the travel guide is way off as the castle is on a hill and has four crosses on it. (False advertising?! In a cartoon?! How is that possible?! SUZY SHEEP~?!) The family gets out as Miss Rabbit tells them that they park at their own risk. (Job #102). Daddy Pig assures Peppa that all parking lot attendents say that. If Tweeg is firing then you really don't have anything to worry about, unless you are Miss Maggotheart. The family jogs up the hill to meet Mr. Rabbit in a suit of armour with a helmet that gravity loves, if gravity had the ability to love. It also has a lot of feathers to dangerously send Michael Eisner out of the Phantom Zone again. Mr. Rabbit shows off the cannon and puts a cannonball into the cannon. Peppa asks if he is going to fire said cannon and Daddy Pig says no, because that would be crazy and it would be impossible to do so since matches are not allow....Oh wait. (What you about to see did in fact happen on a pre-school show after years of not being allowed to do in previous Series of this very show.) Mr. Rabbit struck a match and lit the fuse of the cannon. On screen. No censorship at all. On a pre-school show. A spot that Toon Disney snipped out of TaleSpin cartoons designed for six to twelve year olds in a country that is supposed to have a free speech fetish among a huge chunk of the populace.

I would make an Anti-American reference here; but quoting Donald Trump alone is so much more accurate in that regard than anything I could ever come up with. (By the way, Disney+ uses the Toon Disney edits I should note. The DVD version doesn't, except for Plunder and Lightning, which is second run syndication edit of four parts instead of the original television movie. Do I sound bitter?!) And, it missed the car. Damn! I see Mr. Rabbit's aim is worse than Tweeg. At least Tweeg hit Miss Maggotheart's wagon and he's supposed to be the worst cannonball shooter in history. Hold your head in shame, Mr. Rabbit! Daddy is shocked and appalled by this as Mr. Rabbit points out that owners park at their own risk. HAHA! We head inside the castle for the tour as the animators are sure making the areas darker than usual. Lots of old stuff lying around as Mr. Rabbit explains the tour. I would love to hear what Mr. Rabbit's definition of a "real medieval banquet" because I don't see them delivering on that promise. Now; the dragon on the other paw...George likes dragons. Unless they are real or images of himself dressed as a dragon in the mirror. Then he bawls his eyes out. We see the throne room where the king and queen sit, hopefully not on their own crowns. That would suck and they would probably hate life. (Not that most people would care if they hate life anyway. They are just gods in silly clothes.) George and Peppa sit down and put on the crown and Peppa makes no bones about who she is playing. Mr. Rabbit asks the bossy queen if he can continue the tour and Peppa says yes. We continue on as Mr. Rabbit claims that there is a secret passage and a secret button in the area and the family must find it. Daddy Pig has watched a lot of cartoons in his life to know that the secret button is usually a book push or pull and checks the shelf. However; this is Peppa Pig and the secret button is always put in plain sight. Cartoon razor doesn't work here as George finds the button right away as it's on the floor, it's red and it's blinking yellow. Oh, come on, now! You expect me to believe Mummy Pig is fooled by this button?! George double stomps the red button; there is a buzzer and the fireplace slides open to reveal the secret passage. Of course, it's too obvious, that's how "hiding in plain sight" works, Mummy Pig! (Also, the red button on the floor is literally written in by teleport. SUZY SHEEP~?!) Everyone enters the secret passage filled with cobwebs. (I removed spiders because I didn't see any, former self. You must be talking about your room.) This leads to the banquet room filled with a "real" medival banquet as everyone is giddy. Peppa picks up an apple and realizes that this is all fake news. The "real banquet" is made of plastic. I betcha the treasure vault is all plastic gold because this is a Z-grade castle tour.

But wait, you do get a "real medieval banquet"'; which is basically like ordering at a fast food place, called "banquet in a box". HAHA! Thanks for the memories, Miss Rabbit! Peppa is perfectly fine with this, not so much with Daddy Pig though. Because truth in advertising is for non-capitalist dogs, you see. We head up the spiral staircase for the dragon unveiling as Peppa and Mummy Pig are claiming that it's a pretend dragon who is on the hand of Miss Rabbit. They were not as far off as you would think as we head at the tower and everyone is surprised as Miss Rabbit comes in, controlling a giant robot dragon. So that's where they blew the entire budget on this attraction; which is so Z-grade of them. Yes; the cannon was completely real, the throne room probably has plastic gold crowns so it's fake, the secret passage is obvious, but real; the banquet is fake as gourds and unexpected, and the dragon was fake; but exceeds all expectations. I see Miss Rabbit has played a lot of Mega Man games in her life time. She is also felling trees in the process; so this is the first time she has ridden on said dragon. That doesn't help my confidence any. (If you listen closely, you'll hear Suzy Sheep laughing all the way to the bank.) Even more so; the dragon can be programmed to breathe legit fire. Thankfully; everyone ducked, including Daddy Pig; so Daddy Pig is aware of the consequences of following Mr. Proud's example from The Proud Family. (Somehow, the flag didn't burn at all. SUZY SHEEP~?!) Even more absurd; the dragon robot walks down the hill as Miss Rabbit is going to park the robot and it's a tease that Miss Rabbit is going to crush Daddy Pig's car. Cartoon's Razor would suggest that she crushes the car in the end gag. However, this is Peppa Pig and the dragon robot parks in front of Daddy Pig's car. The dragon's foot is about six feet away from crushing the car, but it stops in mid-air and the car is spared. If this was an American cartoon; that car is toast and history because smashing stuff is what kids like, am I right?! Peppa calls this George's best day out ever. But was it Peppa's best day out ever?! She doesn't say as they all laugh at the tower. Everyone loves castles to end the episode at 4:30 with Miss Rabbit walking back up the hill with the cannon ball and they tease having Miss Rabbit put the cannon ball in the cannon before they cut away. I was so disappointed that the ending credits didn't just have the audio carry over with music. Have Miss Rabbit fire the cannon, destroy the robot dragon and crush Daddy Pig's car all in one go. That would have been an awesome payoff. Oh well; this was another really fun episode. (I loved this episode a lot more on the second viewing, it was Mr. and Miss Rabbit just trolling on us for my entertainment, so **** 1/4 (85%).)

Miss Rabbit's Taxi: This is episode #215 on the animation paper and episode opens at the supermarket on the hill and head inside with Mummy Pig and Peppa Pig walking with a shopping cart with George inside said shopping cart filled with food. They make it to the checkout, attended to by Miss Rabbit, of course. (Reading Ezza Magazine, of course.) Miss Rabbit is surprised by the amount of shopping done by Mummy Pig. Really?! I don't think this is all unusual; until Mummy Pig states that they are shopping for Granny and Grandpa Pig, too. Peppa proclaims that Grandpa Pig and Granny Pig are going off on holiday as Miss Rabbit does the checking at the check out counter. Jump cut to outside with Daddy Pig as the rest of the Pig family comes out with the shopping cart filled with bags of food; as Daddy Pig demonstrates how stupid he is by not bringing the car. Mummy Pig shrugs it off and calls for a taxi with her cell phone. No, Daddy Pig; you are walking home this time, since you were willing to walk to the supermarket on your own. (Daddy Pig is our GEEK OF THE WEEK~! How could he have not know this?!) Meanwhile; Miss Rabbit is checking out various customer's items and her cell phone rings. Because the gimmick of Miss Rabbit is that she does all these jobs at the same time. (Job #1000!) This joke use to be funny. However, the writers have now put her on the moon attending a gift shop on said moon, thus the joke now ceases to be funny. Now it is just a reason to get Miss Rabbit on television without any character development whatsoever. (This is the definition of a dead end angle where it just continues on for no reason. I don't know if this is better or worse than the "torture Arnold" angle in the Bubsy pilot, but it is certainly sadder than that. This show needs a lot of new characters, STAT!) She answers it and runs out leaving the customers hanging, which is not a good tactic to gain customers. (Customers: Mummy Dog, Mrs. Cow and Mr. Fox.) Miss Rabbit's taxt is already written in by teleport as she hops in. How convenient; eh?! (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Daddy Pig loads the food in the back and hops in with the family. So much for Daddy Pig walking home. The car goes down the hill and gets on the boring road as Miss Rabbit is acting like she wasn't at the checkout counter at all.

Peppa asks why is Miss Rabbit talking so much. Better question: Why are they acting like we never met?! (If it's to drive home a point that there are different Miss Rabbits, that is a fool's errand. Make the rabbits look unique so anyone can identify them! This is where subtley is a bad idea, not a good idea.) Miss Rabbit claims that she's a taxi driver stereotype, more or less. Miss Rabbit relates a story about Mr. Potato; which we barely get to hear as we jump cut to the purple white house on the hill with the gardens as I discover that it's only Granny Pig going away on holiday and Grandpa Pig will be on his own. Head inside as Granny Pig is basically teaching Grandpa Pig how to use a can opener. With all the fresh food available in storyline at this house; this seems like overkill and making Grandpa Pig look like an idiot. In Britian; a can opener is known as a tin opener. Granny then teaches Grandpa Pig how to boil an egg and Grandpa Pig is getting irritated by this. Come on; Granny Pig; Daddy Pig is the brainfarter of this family. (This had it's charm, but the show clearly was on insult everyone's intelligence mode today.) We hear beeping and here comes Miss Rabbit's taxi as it parks on the steepest side of the hill as usual. All of the Pig family comes out with the shopping as Mummy Pig asks why Granny Pig is not at the airport, so Granny calls for a taxi as the taxi and Miss Rabbit are right in front of her. Even in the world of Peppa Pig; they cannot communcate face to face, when they are close enough to be face to face. Is there some law in this world that you must use a cell phone to call for a cab at all times?! Even when the cab is in front of you in plain sight?! I'm more concerned that the Pig family didn't pay the cab fare and probably means Granny Pig has to pay it. What trolls?! (Okay, this was funny. Probably the only funny thing in this episode outside of Daddy Pig brainfarting as usual. I have seen Forensic Files episodes of criminals doing the same thing.) Granny Pig hops in with Peppa, George and Daddy Pig hopping in to make sure to be there to wish her good luck on her holiday. But not Mummy Pig; as she is left behind. Shouldn't Daddy Pig be the one to stay behind?! (Fair point, I don't think it would make a difference anyway.) Never mind; let's complain about being in a hurry from Miss Rabbit, because she is a taxi stereotype.

Miss Rabbit admits that she has never been on holiday because she's overworked and underpaid. (Okay, I agree that this joke is dead and tragic, but she never mentions being overworked and underpaid here. She only mentions that she doesn't have time to go because everyone is in a hurry. It's still horrifying, but payment isn't the issue here.) This joke is dead now and it's becoming a tragic allegory for people who are overworked and underpaid. It's time to retire Miss Rabbit for her own sake. (Ironically, she was crying for help literally in her SECOND appearance on this entire show when she was painting just tigers at the fete. She needs to succeed the Queen and be the most bossy queen in history, because a message must be sent!) She has earned that retirement a thousand times over now. Let the world of Peppa Pig collapse. It's much funnier that way, anyway. (I think it's already happened if you believe the horror writers of the world when it comes to this show, former self.) We head to the airport as the babyfaces hop out and wave goodbye to Granny Pig as she enters the terminal. Out comes Mr. Wolf and he goes into the taxi and the taxi drives off stage left. Pfft; cats and dogs living together, that's so passe! Wolves and pigs living together in perfect harmony; that's a compelling storyline! (You know what would have taken the edge off this bad episode? The Pig family being in the taxi with Mr. Wolf! It worked so well with Daddy Pig, Mr. Wolf and the row boat, why not do it again?!) Peppa and George wave as everyone loves to wave. Peppa then asks Daddy Pig how they are getting home and Daddy Pig claims that it's by taxi...Ooops. Daddy Pig is dumb and does not think his plans through. Jump cut to Mr. Wolf in the car with Miss Rabbit as Mr. Wolf is tired and doesn't want Miss Rabbit to talk. Miss Rabbit -- taxi stereotype -- talks a mile a minute anyway. It's time for competition in this area in every area of expertise, for the sake of Miss Rabbit's health and the well being of everyone involved. (If you want the definition of crunch taken to vast extremes, call Miss Rabbit.) Miss Rabbit drives to the brick house on the hill as Mr. Wolf doesn't bother to pay up. Miss Rabbit has no idea how to properly run the meter! Miss Rabbit is probably going to put the tab on Daddy Pig's bill and claim that it's all for a good cause. I betcha that is the finish of this episode, too. (Miss Rabbit got no payment at all, making this even worse for her in hindsight!)

Her cell phone rings and Miss Rabbit answers it. It's Daddy Pig calling a taxi and Miss Rabbit is right onto things. Miss Rabbit drives on the boring road and is stopped by Mr. Bull and his barriers. Yes; Mr. Bull is mending something; but it's the airport and his (de-)construction truck is broken down and needs help. Miss Rabbit offers him a ride and he hops in as Mr. Badger opens the back of the taxi. Miss Rabbit asks about his luggage and Mr. Bull claims that it's only sand and the dumptruck backs up and pours sand right into the back and it engulfs the entire inside of the car; causing the narrator to say that the taxi is full of sand. Of course! Mr. Badger even speaks and waves as the taxi drives away. The taxi arrives at the airport and both Mr. Labo and Mr. Rhino are written in by teleport with their tent and table containing their tea set. How about that?! (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Mr. Bull gets out and lifts Miss Rabbit's car, causing all the sand to come out of the back in a neat spot as Miss Rabbit coughs and thanks him for the service. (Okay, that was funny and it pays off his lifting of tractors in Peppa's Circus! How about that for a clapback?!) Daddy Pig, Peppa and George hop in as Daddy Pig wants to go home. Jump cut to Miss Rabbit driving up the hill near the house on the hill and drops them off. Miss Rabbit calls this the final stop of the day. I guess Mummy Pig is staying with Grandpa Pig tonight. That's fine. Daddy Pig wants her to go home and rest as Miss Rabbit nicely blows it off and backs up the taxi. (When the dumbest guy in the show notices the cry for help, don't just believe him, call for help at once!) Jump cut back to the supermarket and continues her checkout duties, like nothing had happened. Except the lineup is only twice as long, indicating this town has about one hundred residents tops. (Mummy Pony, Daddy Cat, Doctor Elephant, Mummy Wolf and Doctor Brown Bear appear.) The narrator sums it all to end the episode at 4:30. It's past time to retire Miss Rabbit and this gimmick. It was funny for a while; but now it's tragic seeing that there is no variation in the gimmick and Miss Rabbit is going to die on her feet at this rate. Also, Miss Rabbit's stereotype of a taxi driver is NO BUYS~! (I was way too generous on the first viewing, so I'm giving this * 1/4 (25%). Worst post-Golden Boots era episode at this point.)

Scooters: Next up is episode #216 on the animation paper as the episode opens on the house on the hill as Peppa and George come out with helmets and scooters. It is a lovely sunny day; with one sneaky cloud watching over, hoping to rain on Peppa and George's parade. It just cannot find a way to do so without me noticing it. Peppa is so giddy as she rides down the hill and around the meadow; but George just stands there, worried; because he's still learning how to scooter. Peppa is telling George to come on down and George bawls his eyes out for the first time in Series Five! That was literally no reason at all. (That one bothers me because it was for no reason. Not even to get his own way and Peppa wasn't even trolling him. The writers did it for the sake of doing it. Not a good idea.) Even Peppa's crying in The Golden Boots was because she lost her boots. Peppa comes up and asks what is wrong. Peppa being a troll is one thing I can see, the second one is George has little experience in scootering. Peppa decides to teach George how to scooter and Peppa of course forgets to tell him to put one foot on the scooter because George puts two feet and flops onto the ground on his side. He doesn't bawl his eyes out this time. We ride down the hill and George gets it perfectly this time, effectively killing that angle dead. Out comes the parents thirty seconds later to tell them to stop scooting because it's time for play group. Peppa asks if they can at least scooter to play group and Daddy Pig accepts that because he could use the exercise. Yes; Daddy Pig said that himself more or less. Peppa and George ride down the hill and Daddy Pig runs after them while Mummy Pig stands there and does nothing. Now I see why Daddy and Mummy Pig's relationship was so good. The kids do not care how out of shape Daddy Pig is; especially on the up hills. I know that feeling all too well; Daddy Pig. At least you run better than me, that's for sure. (Just wait until you see Grandpa Pig run in Stamps, that was an instant classic moment for me.) Peppa is taunting him like the troll that she is and Daddy Pig cannot keep up. If I was in that position, I would do much, much worse. I cannot run to save my life. Peppa and George make it to play group along with Suzy Sheep, Danny Dog, Rebecca Rabbit and Wendy Wolf.

Peppa and George leave the scooters on the ground without taking them in, which is a clear hazard. I guess they consider Daddy Pig to be the security guard in this setup. The kids do keep their helmets on and I hope they wear them during playgroup. Of course; Daddy Pig grabs the scooters and walks away like a thief in the night. You were suppose to guard the scooters; not take them. How are Peppa and George getting home now?! Daddy Pig proclaims that he needs wheels because the walk home will probably turn him into a steamed ham. (As if his gimmick wasn't enough to make him a ham on it's own.) Daddy Pig rides Peppa's scooter down and up the hills. Yes; Peppa's scooter, not George's scooter. So, he got his revenge on Peppa for taunting him. The narrator says that Daddy Pig loves scootering and then decides to not invoke the obvious punchline of the show; which is "everyone loves scootering". It's not like the narrator didn't have time to say it either. Daddy Pig arrives at the house of the hill and Mummy Pig is asking (I'm paraphrasing here): "Are you riding Peppa's scooter?!" Daddy Pig's response: "Yes". Completely ignoring Mummy Pig's question like a troll. It's getting easier and easier to justify Peppa's trolling now after this moment. Daddy offers Mummy Pig to ride scooters with him and before we get her answers, we jump cut back to the school house on the hill. We head inside for painting and artistry as we see all the kids along with Zoe Zebra and Pedro F'N Pony. Peppa and George are painting their riding scooters. Peppa even mentions this to Gigi and Gigi wants the children to paint a picture of how they came to school today. Rebecca came by bicycle, which we never saw anywhere. Wendy Wolf walked here -- which is slower than Daddy Pig being there -- and Danny got in by Granddad Dog's truck. Gigi is like me after seeing a stupid spot. Lovely, indeed. Yup, Danny Dog is now being buried, because apparently the plucky little guy who never wins wasn't burying him enough deep into the ground. (Danny Dog is our GEEK OF THE WEEK~!)

Jump cut back to the house on the hill as the car is already parked in the back. Mummy Pig comes out and cannot open the front door and asks Daddy Pig for the keys. Daddy Pig no sells because he wants to scooter back. Of course he does; because he took the kids scooters and he needs to go back to make sure Peppa doesn't suspect a thing. Also, just to show an awful amount of disrespect to Peppa; Daddy Pig rides down the hill on Peppa's scooter for good measure. Mummy Pig is somewhat flustered, but follows Daddy Pig in scootering anyway. (Also GEEKS OF THE WEEK~!) All the parents arrive as the bell rings for school to end and they all come home via the same transportation they painted in their pictures. (All written in by teleport no less. SUZY SHEEP~?!) Daddy and Mummy Pig arrive and Peppa and George come out. Peppa acts like she expected Daddy Pig to take the scooters from them in the first place. Daddy Pig was never a thief in her eyes. Peppa and George scooter away and Mummy Pig blows off Daddy Pig because Daddy Pig was stupid enough to scooter to school, but not smart enough to bring their own scooters. Daddy Pig proclaims that they would not have to walk, they will have to run. Daddy Pig runs down the hill in a race with Mummy Pig. Mummy Pig runs after him. The kids remember to slow down and let the parents come close to them as the narrator proclaims that everyone loves scootering to end the episode at 4:30. I'm surprised Peppa didn't call out Daddy Pig on his thieving behavior and acted like she had psyhic powers in knowing that Daddy Pig was taking the scooters. Either that; or Daddy Pig has done this routine before. This was a fun episode. *** (60%).

Pumpkin Competition: Here is episode #217 on the animation paper as we open on the school house on the hill and head inside with Halloween decorations of bats, cobwebs, spiders (Fake ones I hope; this show doesn't need nor want another banned episode in Australia), real and paper pumpkins with faces on them. Today's classmates are Peppa Pig, Emily Elephant, Danny Dog, Rebecca Rabbit, Freddy Fox, Zoe Zebra, Suzy Sheep and Pedro F'N Pony, all with pumpkins. Except for Peppa for some reason. One win for the animators: All the pumpkins are different and Danny's is yellow in color. Pedro's pumpkin still has the barcode ID attached to it as he cannot grow anything. Freddy's is made of plastic, and probably comes in sets of twelve, knowing Freddy's dad. Peppa is awkward and claims that it's not here because Grandpa Pig is still growing it. Gigi is perfectly fine with Peppa not having her pumpkin here right now and considering that pumpkins are fragile and make a big mess (In my case, the seeds and pulp legit can make me vomit. I'm not saying it for dramatic effect, I have issues with pumpkin pulp; mostly the smell.), it's probably a smart move. Gigi informs everyone to get them decorated and brought into the competition for tonight, because it's Halloween night and Trick-Or-Treating is too dangerous and unhealthy. Or something. The class is over and all the parents are outside to pick up the kids. In Peppa's case, it's Granny and Grandpa Pig as we have the meet and greet. Peppa asks about her pumpkin and Grandpa Pig assures Peppa that it will be ready for the competition in which there are prizes for everyone. Kind of defeats the purpose of a competition. You couldn't call it a "Pumpkin Demonstration"?! Because; I would love to know what Grandpa Pig's secret is to grow giant pumpkins. We discover that Peppa's pumpkin is in Grandpa Pig's green house and holy moley; there's no way that pumpkin is going to make it to the competition. It's way too big. Is this for the competition; or is this Daddy Pig's new loveseat? POW! OUCH! Ummm... In comes the yellow car as everyone gets out. Grandpa, Granny and Peppa walk inside the greenhouse and Granny Pig asks about how to get the pumpkin to play group.

But Grandpa Pig is a one step at a time guy and he's going to basically cut the top of the pumpkin and scoop out the insides with a shovel. (By the way, remember Grandpa Pig going inside the pumpkin to scoop out the pulp because Daddy Pig is going to repeat the same spot that leads to his biggest brainfart of all time in Simple Science.) This reduces the pumpkin's weight from a ton down to about two hundred pounds. Still too heavy, but it's more pushable. Yes; Grandma Pig puts a lantern in the pumpkin to make it glow as Grandpa pushes the pumpkin towards the car. This is the point where I realize how many of Daddy Pig's brain farts are heavily influnced by Grandpa Pig's brain fart; since he grossly miscalculated the size of the back storage of the car in relation with the pumpkin. See; size does matter, only Scott Steiner's view is ass backwards in this case. Peppa and Grandma Pig clap and they clap way too fast to make it into a mock. This deserves a much slower clap. (Don't worry former self, their smiles more than made up for it. They are basically communcating to Grandpa that he is the GEEK OF THE WEEK~!) Grandpa Pig tries to lift the pumpkin. It's impossible, because the pumpkin is just too big. (Even if Grandpa Pig could lift the pumpkin, the boot in the back is way too small anyway. He's cooked!) However; Grandpa Pig has a Krackpotkin plan and brings out his cell phone and calls for Miss Rabbit's Rescue Service. Because this pumpkin needs help! Did the pumpkin give consent before asking for it to be carved and gored?! Because if not; this is the last episode of this series. (Pumpkins are not having sex, what are you talking about former self?!) I guess the pumpkin did, because we move on to Miss Rabbit and Peppa claims that this is very important. Remind me to never allow Peppa Pig to dial 911 or whatever the emergency number is in Britian; because false alarms is what Peppa does best. Jump cut to the school house on the hill at HAPPY HOUR -- which the sky was slowly turning into during this entire sequence before the jump cut in a nice attention to detail moment -- as all the kids except Peppa enter the building with their pumpkins. This includes all the parents and Candy Cat, who was not seen in the playgroup before this. Must have gone to get the flu shot and couldn't make it. A reasonable excuse, says I.

The place has no lighting; so I guess a power cut has happened somewhere, or this is an artistic decision on Gigi's part. Occam's Razor says: Artistic decision, so it's likely a power cut. Gigi asks if everyone is here and Danny says no because Peppa is missing. Okay then; start the competition then. Jump cut back to the greenhouse as Miss Rabbit arrives in her helicopter and Peppa in a straight face says that her pumpkin needs rescuing and brought to playgroup. And Miss Rabbit just allows it carte-blanche. I shake my head and giggle at the same time. By the way; the pully rope has a giant suction device which sucks the pumpkin up. Oh; and the babyfaces even get to ride the pumpkin to playgroup. And you punched me in the kisser for pointing out that it might be a loveseat for Daddy Pig?! Shame on all of you! Somehow; the sunction did not snuff out the lantern candle flame. (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Jump cut to inside the dark school house as Gigi decides that Peppa is being a troll and it's time to troll her back by having the competition right now! Suzy claims that no troll equals no fun; and then Gigi brings out the payoff ribbons...ERRRR...I mean award ribbon. Come on; all the titles are based on each pumpkin being unique with one entry. How could any of these kids lose with that stacked deck?! Might as well called it a "Pumpkin Demonstration". Freddy is about to "win" for best plastic pumpkin and this one at least is believable. Suddenly, Gigi stops because there are helicopter noises outside. Also; when they come out the entire scene is reversed. It's not the user; this was the animators way of creating a "unique" camera angle. It's selective foggy night as we get a shot of the giant pumpkin heading towards the hard camera. Yeah; here comes Miss Rabbit with the babyfaces plus giant pumpkin and Peppa wins her prize. I was hoping Gigi would say that Peppa is too late; and then say just kidding. Oh well, Peppa loves pumpkin competitions as the pigs giggle and everyone else does the backsplash laugh (including Miss Rabbit in her helicopter) to end the episode at 4:30. (Except the pigs on the pumpkin! How about that?!) I hope the auto-pilot was on; because doing the backsplash laugh in a helicopter while in the air is a bad idea otherwise. Another fun episode. *** 1/4 (65%).

Gerald Giraffe: This is episode #218 on the animation paper as we head to the house on the hill and zoom in to Peppa's bedroom as Peppa and Mummy Pig are doing the heigh measuring spot with the wall and a red coloring pencil. Apparently; they measure with the top of the ears instead of the top of the head with the feet flat on the floor against the wall. Peppa is experiencing a height increase; but George's height increase isn't profound, but he's two years younger than Peppa; so that is not a fair comparsion. (The difference in height is seen with the lighter shade of marker below the new color marker.) Normally; it's an unfair comparsion to judge between the Nintendo Switch having only two years of games compared to Wii U having six years of games; however, considering that Switch has more games and more sales than Wii U ever did in it's lifetime, it's not only unfair, it says a lot about the defenders of the Wii U and the Wii U in general. Maybe the hardware was the biggest issue. Normally; it isn't; but this was an exception to the rule. Like with Virtual Boy for instance; although Nintendo threw it under a bus less than a year in. (Yeah, and now Nintendo Switch has ten times the sales of WiiU in both hardware and software sales, and at least ten times the number of games released for it in around eight years. Yeah, Wii U's concept would have worked better if it was a fourth mode on Nintendo Switch then a standalone wired Nintendo 3DS with much better graphics. Nintendo Switch has wrecked me.) I mention this because Peppa is being a troll about always being taller because she is older. By age eighteen; that comparison doesn't work anymore in real life since the growth rate will slow down to a crawl and depending on events and actions, Peppa might lose height. (No lies detected.) The family has a hearty laugh about it and then we jump cut to outside playgroup as all the kids run into the school house on the hill without their parents this time. Yes; the writers have not forgotten about Wendy Wolf and Freddy Fox in this one. (Only Zuzu and Zaza Zebra are absent here although I have not once seen them in Playgroup. Weird.) The kids all sit down as Gigi Gazelle introduces our new play group student who is a giraffe anthro wearing shoes and a dark blue bodysuit. Gerald Giraffe is tall, but still less tall than Gigi Gazelle, so the whole "Gerald is too tall angle" they are performing in this episode doesn't work.

Unless they are going to wave it away by claiming that Gigi is out of shape; but previous episode show that Gigi really is an athlete, so that hand wave isn't going to make any sense in storyline. Peppa thinks Gerald is old. Maybe in pig years; but he's the same age as Peppa. (To be fair, Gerald is younger than Gigi Gazelle and Gigi's not going to get any taller as she ages; so Gerald has lots of time to make the "too tall" angle work. Just not today, sadly.) Rebecca Rabbit claims that she's taller and even if you measure to the top of the ears, Rebecca is an inch shorter than Gerald and a foot shorter if you only count the head. Nice try, Rebecca as everyone wants to be as tall as Gerald; because these kids don't know genetics yet. Sigh. The bell rings and it's time for play time in the play group as everyone goes outside running down the hill. It's time to play seek and go hide. (I love calling it that over hide and seek. Looney Toons effects me in mysterious ways!) Peppa is the counter as she closes her eyes and everyone hides. Gerald of course is too tall and the bushes are not tall enough for Gerald to hide on his back. While no one is the same height when on their backs, that's because their height become their length. Peppa finishes counting to ten and find Gerald within two seconds. Ouch! Peppa's response to his sadness just makes it worse as Peppa points out that she has to talk down to George without realizing that she has to talk up to her parents. Danny Dog wants to play ball. Despite this being a fair game for Gerald compared to seek and go hide, Gerald's feelings are hurt and decides to sit this one out. Also, he becomes the second kid who is over two years old to cry, albeit he sheds a tear. I don't blame him, Peppa is such a troll and a troll is going to hurt someone's feelings one of these days...Oh wait; I forgot about the number of times she has hurt George's feelings. The kids play catch for a while and Pedro F'N Pony throws the ball into a tree like a total clueless dolt. Hey; that kind of trolling is Peppa's gimmick! Everyone except Gerald tries to jump up and down to get the ball, no luck. Ummm; you could climb the tree and get the ball. Oh wait; if they did that would be against BS&P rules and also because, the kids have to be useless because Gerald has to be the one to make the babyface comeback. When Suzy Sheep sounds like the reasonable one; you got a problem.

Yes; Suzy again wants to chop the tree down and everyone blows her off for it. That'll never get old! (Which angers me more that they stopped doing that spot.) Emily's trunk is too short and Suzy whisper yells to make me laugh again. ("Chop the tree down." "NO!") The kids ponder it over and Peppa picks Gerald who is standing right there and Gerald decides, why not? Gerald nudges the ball down and saves the day, HUZZAH~! Gerald then notices someone hiding behind the leaves and it's an animal. One of the kids claims that it's a cat and Candy blows it off because she's here. Because of course, there are no legit cats in this show anyway. Of course; it's Tiddles, because he loves to climb trees. Of course! Tiddles jumps on Gerald's head, so we have solved the mystery of how Tiddles gets out of trees, too. Doctor Hamster walks in calling for Tiddles. She reunites with Tiddles and thanks Gerald as we exchange some notes. (Doctor Hamster calls Tiddles naughty. I call her naughty for not knowing that tortoises are expert climbers, especially when it comes to trees!) Doctor Hamster is pretty much the same height as Gerald at this point, but Gerald claims that he'll be taller than everyone not his spieces when he's an adult. I might as well mention this that Gerald Giraffe is voiced by Leo Templer and outside of Peppa Pig; debuted as Roly in Hey Duggee. Here comes Mummy and Daddy Giraffe, who are basically Mummy and Daddy Pig with green shirts and pink dresses. Nothing really special about them outside their gimmick of being taller than everyone, including their son. Daddy is voiced by Zeus Jahn-Vilnor and I have zero credits on him, so this is his only appearance unless proven otherwise. Mummy Giraffe is voiced by Posher Ra Ra and Peppa Pig is her only appearance as well. Daddy Giraffe's head is almost touching the clouds, which Peppa points out. (The tree is still taller than anyone I should point out.) Gerald claims that his parents are very old. So, the kids are heightists while Gerald is ageist. Lovely! The parents tease not being happy and then they all do the backsplash laugh to end the episode at 4:30. If Gerald had said "My parents are as old as they are tall!", that would have been much, much funnier. An okay debut for Gerald; but with no muddy puddles around, this one is the worst of them. (I thought this was better than it had any right to be, so *** 1/2 (70%).)

Parachute Jump: Here is episode #219 on the animation paper as the episode opens on the school house on the hill. It's a rainy day and Mr. Bull is on top of the roof inspecting it. Oh; and the school roof is leaking...AGAIN! Yes; the narrator does say the same thing I do, only a lot less dramatic. Head inside with Gigi Gazelle and all the big kids minus George, Richard and Edmond. Oh; and Gerald Giraffe is making his second appearance on this show. The bucket is being used, struggling because the water drops are winning, you see. We discover that it was Mr. Bull who created this roof and he basically destroys the roof. The questions are not if the roof is broken, but why is anyone willing to hire Mr. Bull to mend a roof?! This is a toxic macho man who revels at destroying rather than mending. Shouldn't that disqualify you from fixing this roof?! Is Mr. Bull the only mender of roofs? If so; then it's time to create a new character, even if it's a foil to Mr. Bull. (Mr. Bull is going to have a brother come along in a future episode and sadly, we don't see the brother again after that!) Mr. Bull is so bull-headed that he makes the leak worse and then proclaims that it costs a lot of money to fix it. (See what I did there?!) Where is the Better Business Bureau when we need them?! Oh; and it's leaking so much that everyone teleported their umbrellas in, just to make sure. (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Gigi wonders where they will get the money this time. Ummm; why not sue Mr. Bull for negligence?! That should pay for the school roof nicely. Of course this is Peppa Pig -- which apparently has no small claims court -- so Pedro F'N Pony suggests a parachute jump that Mr. Pony did recently, as seen in the obvious flashback. (In the flashback: All the kids including the toddlers who have appeared before Molly Mole's debut, Doctor Pony, Mr. Rhino, Mummy Dog, Daddy Pig, Mummy Pig, George Pig, Mummy Pony, Mummy Zebra, Mummy Sheep, Daddy Cat, and the breaker of the roof, Mr. Bull. That roof breaking sounds very sus to me. The parachute even lends towards Mr. Bull before they cut away to reality (no, not really.)) All the kids raise their hands to say that their parents would like to do this. Really, kids?! I know Pedro's Dad wouldn't mind since he's already done one; but the rest?! (By the way, that roof is torn asunder since it's raining on all the umbrellas now.) Oh, and when we return to the house on the hill: Daddy Pig comes back in their car with the kids, the rain has completely stopped, for no reason. (Welcome to the weather in the real world, former self. You are the GEEK OF THE WEEK~!) Everyone goes into the kitchen as Mummy Pig is at the table reading the only magazine worth reading: Ezza magazine.

Peppa exchanges notes with Mummy Pig; while Mummy Pig is not taking any of this seriously as Peppa has picked Mummy Pig to do the parachute jump because Daddy Pig is afraid of heights still. The doorbell rings and Mummy Pig answers it as it's the entire town clapping their hands. I command you to clap slower, clap slower! (Cameos: Mummy Rabbit, Mummy Cat, Mr. Zebra and Mr. Labo.) Mummy Pig protests this because she has never jumped out of an airplane before. But Gigi is all like "Don't worry about it; it's all for a good cause" and Mummy Pig is all like "Okay then, I'll do it". At least Mr. Pony has done it once, perfectly. So why not him?! (Or even book Gigi Gazelle as one who also did a parachute jump successfully?! Or even Mummy Sheep and give her some new character development that is often ignored on this show.) This booking might have been done to make people not think the writers are sexist pigs. However, at the same time; it makes them sexist for throwing Mummy Pig into the fire without at least making Mummy Pig look like she knows what she is doing. So that was stupid. We head to the school house on the hill because it's the day of the parachute jump as everyone involved in playgroup, directly or indirectly, or just there to continue showing how bad he is in mending roofs, in the case of Mr. Bull. (Doctor Pony is clearly there on standby just in case. Also, another appearance of Rohan Rhino!) Mummy Pig is rightfully having second thoughts about this. Why not have Mr. Pony with Mummy Pig to teach her some pointers if you want Mummy Pig to do the jump?! And just as I say that, there is a parachute trainer in Mr. Rabbit. Good; that is how it should be booked. Although I would have thought it was Mr. Pony, since we have evidence of Mr. Pony actually jumping out of an airplane and landing safely. If they have Mr. Rabbit claim that he has never jumped out of an airplane himself, I'm going to scream. Guess what the training involves?! Mummy Pig jumps forward once. This is the one time where a jump cut would have been better as I don't like Mummy Pig's chances of living a normal life now. Mummy Pig is still having second thoughs as Miss Rabbit is flying the airplane of course. No Mummy Rabbit is present at all as Daddy Pig offers to come along for moral support. Okay; that's fine, although this kills the "afraid of heights" angle dead in the ground, not that anyone liked that angle to begin with. Both adults get into the plane and Miss Rabbit takes off in said plane into the sky. I was hoping for Peppa to come along, sing her song and that causes Mummy Pig to jump out of the plane; but no luck. Daddy Pig then makes the fatal error of looking down and losing all sorts of sense before falling out of the airplane.

While pigs cannot fly; they can certainly fall. (It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop when you bounce onto the ground.) The animation in this is hideously hilarious as Daddy Pig is simply being turned around in a circle in the middle of the screen with his legs kicking at random points. Daddy Pig is dumb as usual. Gigi has oversized binoculars, luckly they do not expand like Fenton's binoculars did in Super Ducktales, that would have sucked. (That scene in that show where I lost my mind and thought it was a penis joke gone wrong?! Of course, I thought someone kicked someone in the chest, when the animation showed it was in the groin; so chalk it up for Wang Films being horny, I guess. I think Wang Films worked on a few Ducktales 2017 episodes as well. Surprisely, not "The Lost Cargo Of Kit Cloudkicker!" though.) Gigi notices someone jumping and she's disappointed that it's Daddy Pig making an ass out of himself again. (Also of note: Daddy Cat is present and wearing glasses, for no reason whatsoever.) Mummy Pig does her jump for real and Gigi is more excited about that. Again; you wonder why Peppa Pig is a troll now?! Mummy Pig zooms down and grabs Daddy Pig by the hands and saves him as everyone cheers. Then Mummy Pig's grip dies on her and Daddy Pig free falls...AGAIN! Mr. Bull has mended the roof in the shape of Daddy Pig's body (check the nail formation). If you cannot guess the final bump now, you have no business reading this rant. Damn; I'm so good as somehow despite being far away from the school when Miss Rabbit took off; they somehow went backwards all the way above the school roof. Also, they screwed up the bump to boot as (a) Mummy Pig lost her grip about sixteen feet above the roof (BS&P decision of course) and (b) Daddy Pig missed the nailed formation by about sixteen inches when he broke through the school roof. Worse; the concussion of the slip; forced Mummy Pig to land safely on the ground in front of the school house. (SUZY SHEEP~?!) Mummy Pig asks if Daddy Pig is all right. (Daddy Cat loses his glasses now.) I assure you; he's better than the logic in this show, that is for sure. Daddy Pig pops up from the carnage and is fine as Mr. Bull informs him that he'll have to do the parachute jump again because he broke the new school roof. At least this time, it wasn't Mr. Bull's fault and he did fix the roof, so he is good at mending. Daddy Pig agrees to it and everyone is happy because Daddy Pig's fear of heights is gone...until the next time they need him to be afraid again as everyone giggles to end the episode at 4:30. Daddy Pig is dumb as usual and this was just another okay episode in a series of them. (Sexism pressure aside and some logic breaks, this was more entertaining on the second viewing, so *** 1/2 (70%).)

Easter Bunny: We continue on with episode #220 on the animation paper as we head to Rebecca Rabbit's residence. All the kids arrive to meet and greet with Mummy Rabbit, Rebecca Rabbit and Richard Rabbit on top of the residence. (The rest of the kids are Peppa Pig, George Pig, Suzy Sheep, Danny Dog, Pedro F'N Pony and Wendy Wolf. So, it's not all the kids like former self claims.) There is going to be another Easter Egg hunt. Of course, Peppa -- the troll that she is -- is all "ready, steady, go" and everyone scatters in various directions. This prompts Mummy Rabbit to yell "stop" at this nonsense, because the Easter Bunny is not here yet. Everyone comes out of their hiding spots looking disappointed. Danny asks when the Easter Bunny is coming and Mummy Rabbit says it's soon. So, the kids sit down on the grass to wait. HAHA! Mummy Rabbit claims that the Easter Bunny is shy and won't appears if their eyes are open. The kids close their eyes. HAHA! Time to tell them to go inside Mummy Rabbit, because this is not working. We hear a car honking and of course, Peppa cannot keep her eyes closed for long and they think it's the Easter Bunny. However, Rebecca sees that it's Mr. Rabbit in his car. Considering that he's a rabbit; he must be the real Easter Bunny, because it makes too much sense. Mr. Rabbit gets out with his lunch pail and we meet and greet. The kids of course are waiting for the Easter Bunny. Mr. Rabbit walks past everyone and goes down the hill to check his carrot patch. Mummy Rabbit repeats her promo about the Easter Bunny and everyone goes into the house down below. It is under a hill after all. (I find it drole that the "Easter Bunny" in this storyline is shy, but Father Christmas is not only not shy, but is real and Peppa has met him at least twice so far. Maybe the Easter Bunny in storyline is as fake as in real life.) All the kids run into Rebecca's bedroom as we exchange notes for a long ass whomping time about the Easter Bunny. I'm sorry to skim through this because the video quality of this episode is piss poor and that's all I had to work with. Plus; some idiot retailer in Mexico sold Super Smash Brothers Ultimate -- and this was a legit cart; not a game gotten from a game copier -- two weeks before it was supposed to and the game is getting leaked like crazy.

It also doesn't help that Nintendo had lied about the number of music tracks and spirits in the game. (It's about 1000 music tracks and almost 1300 spirits.) Worse; the music leaks reveal a massive spoiler for the Adventure Mode. Notice I didn't say "World of Light"? There is a good reason for that. You'll know in two weeks time. (The biggest selling fighting game of all time and the brand that wrecked the fighting genre so hard that you don't see a lot of new fighting games anymore in comparsion to bigger progressive genres like Puzzle, Simulation and even Adventure. It's similar to what happened when Mario Kart got so hot: You don't see a lot of racing games compared to our genres. Action and Shooter seem to be the only genres who have flourished in all generations.) The kids are drawing on an easel as the Easter Bunny apparently has the JETPACK OF STUPIDITY and Pedro is drawing purple underwear and glasses, calling it Superbunny. So, Max from Ruby & Max is the Easter Bunny. I wish that was true and that show made a cameo on this show. Sadly; it didn't happen. (The rabbit is suppose to be slightly bigger than Rebecca Rabbit and yellow. Maybe it's the Easter bunny from The Simpsons or something.) Oh; and the Easter Bunny has a magic wand. Also; Peppa claims that the Easter Bunny is very big in order to carry those Easter Eggs. Word. Suzy then proceeds to flip the paper because the Easter Bunny is invisible. Not anymore; the Easter Bunny use to work for Nintendo Badge Arcade and is now in Smash Utimate as an Assist Trophy. That's not a spoiler; Nintendo confirmed that one themselves. (You can tell former self had nothing to work with since he's talking about Nintendo more than this episode.) Meanwhile; outside near a bush; someone is hiding Easter Eggs and doing a terrible job of it, so it must be Mr. Rabbit since he was the last one seen outside when the rest of the babyfaces went inside. Back inside the bedroom for more talking as they all look out the window and there is nothing...AND THE ROCK SAYS NOTHING! Speaking of mind tricks: the kids complain about this and there is Mummy Rabbit in the room from behind "aheming" them to stop looking outside because there is no peaking. Rebecca apologizes, even though they saw nothing at all.

In comes Mr. Rabbit acting like nothing happened. Why doesn't that surprise me?! Sadly; when Mummy Rabbit asks about the carrots, he has no idea what Mummy Rabbit is talking about. Can you not be any more obvious with the cover there, Mr. Rabbit?! (Mr. Rabbit is our GEEK OF THE WEEK~! Probably also the Easter Bunny as well. Hey, it beats having Miss Rabbit being in in Job #420!) Mummy Rabbit asks about going outside now and Mr. Rabbit says it's all right. Everyone goes to the top of the hill and it's the usual "everyone gets one egg" rules; but of course the kids cut the adults off and jump start the race outright. Mr. Rabbit tells them not to be frustrated if it takes a long time, but all the kids pretty much find all the eggs hidden in the most obvious of places. Out of respect for poor Sakurai -- and yes, this is the wrong show, but still... -- I will not spoil the hiding places here. The kids find the eggs in record time of course, because Mr. Rabbit hiding skills are worse than Nintendo's "near final build" misdirection play. (Not only that, the footage is actually sped up with the narrator talking at normal speed. They did this because they were going to run short on time for the final spot.) Mr. Rabbit doesn't seem to care about this. Mummy Rabbit was selling this though. Everyone returns to the top of the hill and then we notice some rabbit is hiding behind the bush as the ears clearly give it away. The kids want to "creep up" on her; which is super creepy in hindsight. (Guess whose idea it is to creep up on Rebecca?! Danny Dog. Stop burying yourself, you creepy dogass!) I betcha it's Rebecca Rabbit since she's clearly not in the group. I check the video...See! I can book this crap! (And this show would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for this meddling ranter!) Rebecca comes out with her egg as she sings a song and hops for a while, it was fine. The kids laugh to end the episode at 4:27 aired. I'm guessing they did the backsplash laugh as well. (Here's the ending: Rebecca sings the song, the kids join in with the adults watching on and the music plays into the end credits. So, there was no backsplash laugh at all.) This was a perfectly acceptable Easter Egg hunt; but remind me to never let Mr. Rabbit hide the eggs ever again. *** 1/4 (65%).

(2024 Gregory Weagle Says: FINALLY~!)

Simple Science Or "The Day The Concrete Turns On It's Only Fan!": Oh goody; this episode. I wrote a quick and dirty mini review of this episode before starting this rant in full and this episode deserves the mostly unfiltered version. Probably the first time in many years that I put a picture in my work:

"The moment you realize that you are stuck in a moment you cannot get out of and you are about to lose your hearing and your sanity...." - Gregory Weagle, from my Facebook page. (My Facebook page is gone due to me leaving because Facebook thought my Nintendo stats report was spam. Yeah, go figure.)

Well, here it is everyone; the episode that finally convinced me that this show was a good show. I looked back at it without kids and with kids and I still love it. So, you probably know what the star rating is for this episode. The plot is as simple and to the point as it gets: Daddy Pig teaches the children science in an age-group approved matter and then commits the greatest brain fart of all time. Now, I actually remember 95% of this episode, which is more than enough to do a full rant instead of a Quick & Dirty and doesn't require watching the video. There are a couple of reasons for that, the first is that Series Five is the only series that doesn't have many of the episodes that already aired due to copyright reasons, and the fact that Series Five has not been completed yet. (2018 Gregory Weagle Says: I wrote this back on May 8th, 2018, the same day as TaleSpin's debut 28 years ago. HUZZAH~! Anyhow; since then; Series 5 is complete and a number of episodes have appeared on the Tubes, so that is my next show that I am going to be working on besides Teddy Ruxpin. Also; I have been told by realible sources that Peppa Pig Series 6 is in development and a movie based on the Chinese New Year is also in development. Yeah.). The clip from Nick Junior in the United Kingdom is the only footage I could find and despite the episode airing in my country, I cannot find it and it's not recorded on the DVDR at my house television. (Several episodes from Peppa's trip to Australia are there, though some are edited due to timing issues). Yeah; story of my life, you didn't come here to hear it.

(2024 Gregory Weagle Says: Since then, all episodes from Series Five through even to Eight are available on Youtube via the Official Peppa Pig video site. Sadly, many of them are combined together with other episodes. Thankfully, the full episode of Simple Science is available without such problems. So, here we go...)

This is episode #221 on the animation paper, which puts it three episodes after Gerald Giraffe's debut. (Also, his third appearance on the show.) I mention this because Gerald appears in this episode; but no Wendy Wolf nor Freddy Fox are present. (Don't worry fans; Wendy and Freddy still appear in Series Five in various episodes.) Molly Mole doesn't debut for another four episodes after this, by the way. Episode opens on the school house on the hill as there is shaking and rumbling occurring because we discover that Mr. Bull, Mr. Labo and Mr. Rhino are apparently trying to destroy the playground. This is really getting out of hand. (The fact that Mr. Bull is laughing during this just accents the fetish this bull has.) Madame Gazelle comes out to protest this outrage, along with the kids. Suddenly, Daddy Pig shows up to inform them that they are here to create a new playground, not entertain Mr. Bull's destructive tendencies. Whew! That's a relief, for now anyway. Since Daddy Pig is the blueprint master and doing nothing...AND THE ROCK SAYS NOTHING~: Madame Gazelle offers Daddy Pig to come in and teach the kids some simple science and Daddy Pig accepts the terms. Okay; this is going to be great now. Almost everyone heads inside as it's time for some simple science. (Okay, there is some additional commentary that former self left out and I'll address it here: When the kids sit down in the school house, Daddy Pig proclaims that he is going to do an experiment. Suzy asks what is an expertiment and Daddy Pig explains the obvious to us. Also of note, the door is shorter than unusal because Daddy Pig has to duck to get inside. SUZY SHEEP~?!) Lesson number one: How many kids does it take to lift Madame Gazelle off her feet? (Suzy said "ten hundred", which is a thousand! Daddy Pig calls out the kids for guessing as Daddy Pig doesn't know, thus the need for an experiment.) Danny Dog is probably amused by this as the answer is three kids. (I should note that they use the word "heavy" here as Gigi starts off not thrilled and then every time she is lifted, she laughs as if she is tickled, badly.) Dares the question: How many kids does it take to lift DADDY PIG off his feet? Answer: Six kids to infinity, depending on how nice DADDY'S BIG TUMMY~ plays. POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... (Play dare games, win dare prizes!)

Lesson number two: Building a block tower, which is the low point of the episode as I think Pedro Pony was involved and makes it look unstable, because Pedro Pony is clueless as usual. (Actually; this was a team effort in cluelessness. Except for Edmond of course, because he's a you know..) This is the 5% I don't remember much of, but I do know that Edmond Elephant creates the most stable tower. This means that I do know that this was to remind everyone that Edmond Elephant is a clever clogs, complete with trunk horn sound which sounds almost like the boss defeat sound in Lagoon. (Rebecca wants to do some more expertiments since we are only halfway through the episode and the real moment of truth hasn't even started yet. The SNES version of Lagoon was just bad, but the original game it was ported from is wild. It's easier, has more diverse attacks which makes it easier since the move they use in the SNES is often the hardest move to dodge, Thor is the real villain and the final three bosses are just absurd. Link. Skip to 1:16:36 and be amazed at the differences.) Time for lesson number three which opens with Daddy Pig asking Peppa what her favorite past time is and Peppa proclaims that past time moral guardians hate: Jumping up and down in muddy puddles. DING! Everyone goes out the front door as Daddy Pig digs a spot on the ground with the out of nowhere shovel and brings out a grey watering can. He sprinkles water on the ground and Peppa tries to jump in it, but there is no splash nor spray present. Peppa is not amused, so Daddy Pig pours a lot more water and this is enough for Peppa to jump up and down in said muddy puddles. You know, I love this segment so far because, while the science is sort of dumb down so that preschool kids could understand, none of the spots were unbelievable. Heck; the last science spot involved a simplified version of the old "The dose makes the poison" canard. Yes, science is far more complex than this; but this show actually got the educational spots down and make it fun without letting the children on that there is education in progress.

The kids all jump up and down in muddy puddles for a while, because it's always a fun spot and never grows old, especially when the writers find ways to make the payoff look great. (Yeah; because it's not a random out of nowhere spot. It's okay to do random stuff if the random stuff actually leads to a payoff instead of ending up in a dead end angle.) Daddy Pig proclaims that muddy puddles remind him of the wonders of concrete, because the story of this show is that Daddy Pig has a love for concrete. He once admitted to buying a bag of reinforced concrete for no reason at all. (He also was offered a cement mixer by Mr. Fox in an earlier episode, although it's unknown if Daddy Pig bought it or not.) When he goes to the library, he borrowed at least two books detailing the wonders of concrete. (And he loved the book so much, that he forgot to return it TEN YEARS LATER~!) In other words, the show has been implying that Daddy Pig has a fetish for concrete and here is yet another example of it. (Here we go, the entire sequence of events that sealed the deal of this show being the best pre-school of all times.) Mr. Rhino or Mr. Labo back up a truck towards the giant hole that the construction made in the playground as the kids and Daddy head to said hole. The cement truck pours the concrete into the hole as Daddy Pig shows off the concrete hole and loses half of his height in the process. (Uh-Oh! In detective work, we call that a clue.) He stirs the concrete and then proceeds to test the concrete. Poke! Poke! Poke! Edmond Elephant continues to amuse me some more by being a clever clogs as Daddy Pig continues to test the concrete more and more. Mr. Bull is trying to tell Daddy Pig something and Daddy Pig kindly tells him to buzz off. I don't blame him, Mr. Bull did try to fat shame him in one episode. This goes on and on and then the concrete finally goes hard as a rock. Everyone does slow claps and then Daddy Pig turns his head to Mr. Bull and asks: "Okay, what do you want to say to me?" (I'm paraphrasing here.). Now, I have a confession to make. I lied. Yes, I lied. However; nothing I said was wrong. This is a lie by omission because I omitted something in that entire sequence of events. Can you guess what I omitted?! There is a tiny hint in that rant that explains it. So, what did I omit? I'll give you all a five second pose (or the Bundy five count, doesn't matter)...

Reporter: Okay, Mr. Weagle; what did you omit?
Gregory Weagle: Actually, I'll let Mr. Bull say it.
Mr. Bull: I was saying, you should get out of the concrete before it goes hard. (Gigi's face is like "gotcha!".)

Yes folks; as this scene was going on, Daddy Pig was literally wading in the concrete! I have the money shot picture on this very rant and most and it was so glorious. Daddy Pig says "Ah!", blushes in embarrassment (Damn; I wish he actually did this in the episode for real.), looks into the hard camera and the narrator says the only line that makes sense in this situation:

Narrator: Daddy Pig is stuck. (Now everyone has blank stares because they realize it's not a work anymore.)

I cackled myself to almost death with this. Here's the thing that makes this the greatest brain fart of all time: Daddy Pig himself throughout this episode was someone who absolutely knew what he was doing and showed competence at both his job and his teachings. There was nothing to suggest that Daddy Pig was an idiot. Until he tested the concrete and didn't realize that he was in there despite being half his height to level ground until Mr. Bull said it. He made one tiny mistake in judgment and now he is stuck. People complain about Daddy Pig being an idiot while leaving Mummy Pig alone tend to forget that Mummy Pig was made to look like an idiot many times in this show and in The Blackberry Bush, nearly killed herself due to her idiocy. And she also got mocked just like Daddy Pig and Daddy Pig getting stuck in concrete by itself isn't nearly as dangerous as Mummy Pig landing on her head, which could have easily killed her. Now; Daddy Pig's love for concrete has come back to bite him in the ass and the consequences are now graver than Mummy Pig nearly landing on her head in The Blackberry Bush, because this is Mr. Bull we are talking about. (At least when she was in the Blackberry Bush, she was "tormented" with Sleeping Beauty promos. Problematic, yes, but Mummy Pig will be fine. Daddy Pig on the other paw, this might as well be Mr. Bull's revenge for Funfair.) See the above caption to begin this episode for further details. Here is how this episode ends: Mr. Bull then tells Daddy Pig not to worry; because they will just DIG UP THE PLAYGROUND...AGAIN~! Budget?! What budget?! Hearing?! What's that?! Sanity?! What's that even? Mr. Bull brings out his out of nowhere jackhammer and starts to jackhammer both the concrete and the point home. Daddy Pig looks like he wants to cry; but the show won't let him. (Well, under Mr. Bull's wedding in Series Eight, how ironic!) There is shaking, there is bouncing, there is giggling because the kids in this scene are having the time of their lives and do not give two craps about this situation at all. (Worse, Gigi Gazelle doesn't give an elf either!) I was hopelessly sobbing with laughter at this point. Then we zoom out and the episode ends at 4:30 with the narrator saying what would be the funniest line I have ever heard in a pre-school show:

Narrator: Daddy Pig loves being dug out of concrete. (YOU FUCKING LIAR~!) Everyone loves being dug out of concrete! (Mike drop! By the way, Edmond Elephant is literally bouncing off his ass during this.)

I know some of you are probably going to say: "I hope you made all of this up." Well; you are mistaken. All of this actually happened and that last line tipped me over the edge to the point where they totally sold me on this show's greatness. I saw London first before this and it was great, but nothing to the extent of Simple Science. Imagine the narrator saying all this while you see Daddy Pig looking completely uncomfortable, Mr. Bull jackhammers the concrete harder than anyone having sex with their loving beloved, the shaking of the camera and then seeing the kids -- who didn't even bother to speak up when Daddy Pig was in the concrete with Edmond seeming to be amused by this when he cut his promo -- bouncing and giggling like it was pure sport. This whole payoff was spawned by Daddy Pig's fetish for concrete and now, he'll never EVER love concrete again after this. (Well; you are totally wrong because later on in Series Five; he went to another country to test a block of concrete. So, he's gotten help since Simple Science and has reeled in his fetish. Sadly, this would not be the last time Daddy Pig's love for concrete would get him into hot water either. I'm sum it up by saying what Peppa should have said, but didn't: "Mummy! Mummy! My Daddy's a criminal!" I think that episode might have surpassed even Simple Science in terms of brainfarts, but not just for Daddy Pig either.) And that's if he doesn't lose his sanity, nor his hearing in the process. This episode is truly the GOAT of preschool episodes. ***** (100%).

School Project: This is episode #222 on the animation paper as the episode opens on the school house on the hill. (And now this episode has to follow Simple Science!) It's once again another episode not featuring Gerald Giraffe! We head inside as the big kids are sitting down and Gigi is next to an easel showing off a picture of a castle. Gigi asks what this is and Danny Dog answers correctly on the first try. Gigi wants them to build a model castle made of anything. Suzy asks about the glitter and Gigi cringes on cue, but she's fine with it as long as it's not too much glitter. (Gigi Gazelle gets the cringe eye and the "wah-wah" sound, to indicate that she hates glitter. Oh lord, this is the first episode involving the infamous "glitter bomb" jokes. While it is funny to see porch pirates get their comeupperance from glitter bombs, the joke wasn't funny to begin with and even worse when you consider how bad glitter is for the environment.) Apparently, from her reaction; Gigi once got a lot of glitter in her eye since glitter gets on everything. (Another reason why this joke isn't funny.) Oh; and the castle can be of any size as well. This is not going to end well for Gigi, I can just see it now. It's home time and everyone runs out of the school as Gigi proclaims that only imagination is limited. Not resources, which you would think would be an issue. We head back to the house on the hill as it's morning at the kitchen table with the Pig family having breakfast. Daddy Pig is reading the newspaper and Mummy Pig is reading Ezza Magazine. Peppa finally breaks the ice and informs them that she is doing a class project. Yes; Peppa waited until the next day to tell them this, instead of after she got home from playgroup! What a troll?! As expected, the adults begin to panic. There are two tins of yogurt present as Daddy Pig is putting the tins on top of a cereal box and there's Peppa's castle. Peppa blows it off because she wants a legit big castle. With lots of glitter I assume, because Peppa doesn't know what moderation is and if she did, her trolling career would be over. She also wants a castle big enough for her to live in. Oy vey. (That's probably what Daddy and Mummy Pig could say if BS&P allowed it. Gigi Gazelle is the creators of trolls, says I! Gigi is a trollish vampire, methinks!)

Scene change to Suzy's house as Suzy is in the kitchen with Mummy Sheep as Suzy is on the internet looking for castle designs, or buying a model castle. I suspect it's the former, because Mummy Sheep is on her cell phone informing her boss that she'll not be in the office because the project comes first. (It was the former since Suzy was making the actual castle with Mummy Sheep, with Mummy Sheep doing most of the work, of course.) The boss is okay with this; which means this show's world is much more forgiving than the real world. Suzy also has the power of indecision on her fairy palace she wants, too. Jump cut back to the kitchen with Peppa drawing and coloring a blueprint for the front of the castle and she drew one perfect cross and one that is upside down. She hates religion as much as I do. (Velma from Velma outhates you all. One of the few moments I actually liked about the new character actually.) Only the real thing is much bigger. Hence, blueprint. Daddy Pig isn't so sure about this because they need a huge box. Then, the door bell rings, Daddy Pig walks out and opens the back door to reveal Mr. Zebra with a giant box addressed to Daddy Pig. Daddy Pig opens the giant box to reveal...wait for it...wait for it...the world's tiniest lightbulb. Which indicates how little of a clue Pedro Fucking Pony has. POW! OUCH! Ummmm... Daddy Pig takes the bulb and teases giving back the box; but Peppa cuts him off and grabs the box because it's perfect for the castle. Of course! I should note that despite Simple Science happening, Daddy Pig still has a fixation for concrete since he suggests it during this scene and Mummy Pig blew him off for it. Still; whomever is packaging these things really needs to be fined for excessive waste, although Peppa doesn't mind since she has her huge cardboard box. (And to think, this wasn't the worst excessive waste spot this show did! Stamps is coming up soon.) They go inside the kitchen as Mummy Pig is relieved and she has gotten Pedro F'N Pony's sense of cluelessness because this castle is FAR FROM DONE. As I expected, this castle needs more glitter and that makes Mummy Pig cringe. Since Daddy Pig doesn't cringe on cue, I suspect that he's to blame for the glitter in the eyes that Gigi and Mummy Pig got in their youth.

Mummy Pig cell phone rings and she answers it as it's Suzy Sheep wanting to talk to Peppa. Peppa takes over and they exchange notes on the situation. Both kitchens are a total mess while these castles are being built and it's clear that the castle Peppa is building is not suitable for Peppa to live in, not even close. (I should note that the kitchen background in Suzy's house looks more like cardboard than the castle she is building.) I love how Peppa is claiming that Mummy and Daddy are helping her a tiny bit; even though they are clearly doing 90% of the work. (This spot was actually used for the commercials for this show on YTV Treehouse before it went to Stack TV!) That being said: Peppa is basically doing the same type of work Daddy Pig did in Simple Science, so at least we know who's enabling who here. Anyhow; Peppa hangs up and loves the castle now; but it needs one more thing...Glitter~! Daddy Pig doesn't like it either. Artist remorse, I assume. We head to the school house on the hill as all the kids come in with their parents and castles. As expected, Peppa and Suzy have castles with so much glitter that Gigi Gazelle is covered in it along with the school grounds. I should note that Mummy Pig thinks glitter makes the castle look fake, as if that was going to deter Peppa when imagination creditibily is at sake. Pedro is in a suit of armor with three color feathers on top as Mr. Pony literally created a castle so big and out of stone block, that it is outside and cannot come in. Sad! Peppa is able to at least stand in her castle as there is more glitter -- which is the only thing of note in this scene -- and loves making school projects. Everyone loves making school projects as the other kids do the backsplash laugh to end the episode at 4:30 while Gigi wipes the glitter off her dress. I have a feeling that glitter sales are going to double for the next ten years after seeing this episode. (Also, this will not be the last time we will see glitter being abused on this show as later on, it's treated like a nuclear weapon literally! Oh, and the glitter infected the end credits as well.) This was a fun episode. *** 1/2 (70%).

Mummy Pig's Book: Last up is episode #223 on the animation paper as the episode opens at the house on the hill. We zoom into Mummy Pig's office as Mummy Pig is working on a paper, and apparently typing another secret e-mail to someone. Peppa and George walk in and ask if they can play Happy Mrs. Chicken and Mummy Pig says not now because she is finishing some sort of important book. Oh; so that is what she has been writing all these years. I betcha it's a cookbook, too. (It is actually a fictional children's book and the payoff to Mummy Pig's work at home gimmick that I have been waiting for since Series One started!) Jump cut to downstairs with Daddy Pig making dinner complete with salad and pizza. He is chopping up cucumbers or zucchini depending on the artwork being not clear enough. He then chops some tomatoes as Peppa and George asks when they can ruin...ERRR...play on the computer; and Daddy Pig proclaims that it will be when Mummy Pig is finished. In comes Mummy Pig literally seconds later stating that her book is done. (Yes, it took her literally 12 years in real time to write this book, maybe five years in Peppa Pig time! BS&P must have been the most pissy in the biz for that to happen!) Peppa and George cheer and then run upstairs to go play Happy Mrs. Chicken. (I think this is the last time Happy Mrs. Chicken was ever played in any way. I still don't have an official reason as to why, so it might be another case of copyright stuff.) Problem is; the document is still there when Peppa and George change the screen to play their game. Uh-oh! Daddy Pig then asks Mummy Pig if she saved the document and Mummy Pig said no. Ooops! Problem #1: Mummy Pig should have saved the document and #2 They didn't buy a computer that can multi-task nor allow Auto-Save features?! This show is like the timeline is 1986; not 2016! (Peppa Pig Tales at least showed much more modern models of computers despite no one aging on that show to compenstate for it. By the way, Mummy Pig is our GEEK OF THE WEEK~! You cannot blame Peppa Pig for that one.) Also; she said this while tapping a glass of sparkling apple cider. (It's probably non-alcoholic, but it could still fall under the "we know it's alcohol, but we are not telling anymore." rule.) Mummy Pig panics and runs upstairs. George new high score is 476,859,312 points; even though the score showed zero the entire time George was playing. People would point to that and say THAT WAS FAKE~! (Or the modern kids would say: Sus.) Peppa of course mangles the entire moment with her promo alone. Peppa was the previous high score of just over three milion.

Who is OOP and why does this person suck at this game at 142 points?! (Okay, I figured out who the initials are: Geo is George Pig, Pep is Peppa Pig, GNP is Granny Pig, GPP is Grandpa Pig. MMP is Mummy Pig, SUZ is Suzy Sheep and it's actually DDP, whom is Daddy Pig. Yes, Daddy Pig is the one who sucks at this game despite being an expert at computers. DORK! Also, shouldn't SUZY SHEEP~'s score be 123450 in order to make the obvious sight gag?!) Mummy Pig runs in, closes the game, and the work is still there. Whoops! On me this time! She saves the document, puts it in the e-mail and sends it to the publishing company. Judging by the letter; the company is clearly about learning Spanish. I'm guessing she's the ghost writer for Dora The Explorer. (It isn't Spanish, it was gibberish.) Daddy Pig comes in and we are informed that tomorrow at Playgroup; Mummy Pig is going to read the book to the kids as this book is going to be sold to book retailers everyone. Yes, this is the payoff to Mummy Pig on her computer all this time. (Also, on the bulletin board: There is a onion, pineapple and banana with a face on it. Please remember that for later.) Jump cut to the school house on the hill as the car arrives with Peppa, George and Mummy Pig getting out. Mummy Pig carries a full box worth of book and heads inside. Jump cut to inside with Gigi addressing the students as Molly Mole and Gerald Giraffe are absent today. (Molly Mole doesn't debut until the next rant though.) Mummy Pig is introduced as Mummy Pig gives out the books and apparently; she has never opened the books to read them. (Uh-oh! Rookie mistake right there.) Gigi then instantly tells the kids not to be too hard on her and the quality of the book. This would have been the perfect moment for the "wah-wah" sound; but it doesn't play. The story of this book is a children's book based on an onion anthro. The first page is all in English -- so it isn't about learning Spanish after all; and the book publisher is not in Spain -- and starts off well as the character in question is known as "Funny Onion". So far, so good. Then they turn the page; and the book turns into a Happy Mrs. Chicken number fest. Uh-Oh! When she saved the document, she also saved the scores and sent them to the publishing company. Even funnier; the book publisher approved of the entire thing, without even seeing it. (Either this publisher thought this was a great selling point, or they are clueless. I'm guessing the later in this case.) Peppa of course snitches out George, even though it was Mummy Pig's fault for not sending the e-mail of the document BEFORE George started playing. Mummy Pig's book career is over; but she does remember the story of Funny Onion orally. Gigi suggests that Mummy Pig just tell the story by heart.

We begin with the dream sequence of Funny Onion walking on a grassy road in the mountains with clothes on a stick, skipping and giggling. Funny Onion meets Mrs. Carrot and the gimmick is that Funny Onion cannot make people laugh. (Apparently, this is a story in the Mr. Potato multiverse. Okay, then.) Not because his jokes sucks; but he was an onion and he made veggies cry. This is only the third time someone has cried in Series Five: George cried once, Gerald shedded a tear and Mrs. Carrot cried because Funny Onion is an onion. (This one was clearly written out of order, so I revised it for this rant.) One problem: Onions produce the chemical irritant known as syn-propanethial-S-oxide. It stimulates the eyes' lachrymal glands so they release tears. Scientists used to blame the enzyme allinase for the instability of substances in a cut onion. Recent studies from Japan, however, proved that lachrymatory-factor synthase, (a previously undiscovered enzyme) is the culprit (Imani et al, 2002). In other words, Funny Onion has to be cut in order for the crying to trigger. It doesn't work if there isn't any exposed white onion parts. So, the spot doesn't work. Gigi claps on cue and the story is over; only the story is not over. That's typically a sign that this story sucks because good stories don't cause people to cut you off like Gigi just did. The story is not over, so says Mummy Pig as we continue on as a tomato and a banana anthro both suggest that he dress like a clown. Magically out of nowhere; a jester hat and clown shoes come out and both anthros cry on cue. Is this a fictional story or Pedro's autobiography?! Because if it's the later, that's a troll move. Funny Onion meets Mrs. Pineapple and she whispers into Funny Onion's ear. Mummy Pig asks what did Mrs. Pineapple suggest to Funny Onion to the class? The kids claim to wear a funny nose or a funny wig; but Mummy Pig says, no. Mrs. Pineapple told Funny Onion to be a clown, not dress up like one basically. So that is what Funny Onion did. All the anthro fruits and veggies except Funny Onion do the backsplash laugh and that ends the story. I suspect Mr. Potato will steal this story and be in court within six months for copyright infringement. Gigi claps and acts like this was good, but in way to tell us that it was no good. In come the parents, including Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Wolf as they bought the book from the store and are questioning this new fangled form of writing. I call it the "Happy Mrs. Chicken Score" narrative myself. The adults don't care and think it's awesome, modern and post-narrative. Of course! Everyone except Mummy Pig does the backsplash laugh to end the episode at 4:30. Sadly; this book is a one hit wonder at best. Funny Onion was just there compared to the final print. (This was funny on the second viewing, just for the new writing style, so *** 1/2 (70%). By the way Mr. Wolf: We call that "machine language code" in computer speak.)

THE REVIEW LINE

I'm not going to bother doing a reality line summary for Simple Science; because I cannot describe this in a simple paragraph. Everyone needs to check this episode out in it's full form and I also recommend The Library and Horsey Twinkletoes as a supplemental, in order to get the full extent of Daddy Pig's love for concrete finally turning on him. Miss Rabbit's Taxi is really bad mainly because the entire Miss Rabbit gimmick has stopped being amusing and now it is turning into a tragedy of a worker who is overworked and overpaid. Gerald Giraffe's debut was okay at best; and without muddy puddles around, it just isn't the same. The tall gimmick is also overdone although Doctor Hamster seems to understand that turtles can climb trees. Parachute Jump was just a mess of logic breaks and botchery. The Castle was an instant classic featuring a Z-Grade castle complete with mecha dragon that overblew the budget. Not to mention, the lighting of the matches which were cut out in big kids cartoons, and Miss Rabbit and Mr. Rabbit playing Jack W. Tweeg with the cannon. Again, hang your head in shame Mr. Rabbit for being a worse shooter than Tweeg! The rest were fun episodes with their own problems. Overall; a mixed bag, with one perfect episode at the end. So...

Thumbs up to infinity for Simple Science. Thumbs up for The Castle. Thumbs down for Miss Rabbit's Taxi. Thumbs in the middle for everything else and I'll see you all next time.

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