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Recess: Break In/The New Kid

Reviewed: 10/20/2012

Brutally Tender!


Welcome to more of the Fall Assortment as we now begin probably the most painful part of the program. I managed to get two DVD's of a show that the late Jim Kellogg buried in brutal fashion. This show was one of the major allegories in the whole bad period of DTVA. Welcome to the Rant Shack: Recess: Stalag 17. Okay; there was no witty subtitle for the show. However; the show is about a bunch of fourth graders having "adventures" at school set up like Hogan's Heroes; only more colorful and somehow more depressing than Stalag 13 ever was. Now; again like Goof Troop, putting it in a school setting would have been a nice change of pace; except Pepper Ann was doing the exact same thing; only with a female lead (and proving Disney's reputation as a demographics company). However unlike Goof Troop which was decent (without any standouts outside of Goofy); this show was brutally bad; although to be perfectly fair; it did get better as time went on; but by then it was way too late to save it. For those who keep complaining about Fish Hooks or the upcoming Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja; try watching Recess for a while and try being honest about it. I assure you that when it's all said and done; even the most critical of new Disney critics/haters/bashers will more likely watch Fish Hooks over this show.

During those days on Usenet; there was an article from the late Jim Kellogg (who is a big TaleSpin fan; so I can just hear the "bias" coming out of him) for the lineup of 1997 called Disney Has Lost It's Heart. Jim Kellogg absolutely BURIED that year as we had this show, 101 Dalmatians: The Series and Pepper Ann. It also had some stuff on Hercules (which he also buried) and on the upcoming Mickey Mouseworks show. Somehow; I think Michael Eisner was getting desperate at this point because Quack Pack was a disaster and Mickey was being brought back from being a corporate slave in an attempt to get Disney's heat back as a force in animation. That didn't work all that well; although it was better than the last two years combined. While hindsight 20/20 sezs that Recess is better then Quack Pack; it doesn't mean none of Jim Kellogg's points were accurate. Recess was the one Jim Kellogg buried the most and it's not difficult to see why. Ironically; Recess and the much better Teacher's Pet got OAV's and even a movie out of it; while Pepper Ann (which was the best of the three shows in 1997; and maybe in 1996 as well) didn't get any respect despite having the decent (albeit self-centered) female lead. Kellogg's points boiled down to three major problems: Shallow babyfaces, not so good artwork and some of the most brutal authority figures in the history of DTVA. I'll address those points in detail in the rant.

However; I'm not sure if this was intentional because back in 1997, the FCC brought out the Children's Television Act again (because moral guardians hate anything that competes with church; as least the non-religious have a decent excuse for getting rid of mindless cartooning.) and decided to order broadcasters to include three hours of educational programming. I think it's either per day or per week; but this changed the landscape of animation; although to be fair, the real changes that were revolutionary was the explosion of the Internet. So Disney decided to end the Disney Afternoon era (as if Quack Pack and Mighty Duck's black hole of suck didn't do that already) and we got One Saturday Morning which features Pepper Ann, Recess, 101 Dalmatians and segments involving the Genie called "Great Minds Think For Themselves" which was absolutely bush-league because Disney had been using the same formulas for their movie division and terrible ideas for their television division. The only thing more insulting than that is the little light bulb bug they used for every show that was rated TV-Y E/I (Yeah; the E/I really made television more educational and informative. It only serves to make Al Khan's "Kids Don't Read" claim a lot more credible); and the announcer states that this is Illuminating Television. Everytime I heard that; I said "F*** You! TaleSpin is a lot more illuminating than this garbage because I care about the characters telling stories that actually address the child's need to get the hell away from the school for awhile." Needless to say; I wonder if Recess was a giant middle finger to the FCC? If so; it was a really bad move because it exposed the talent as a bunch of hacks. On the other hand; like Bonkers, Recess was like Family Guy, a brutal car wreck that was over with the kids; which is all what counts anyway.

Still; the block lived on until it was changed to ABC Kids in 2002; so there was a number of kids who enjoyed this show. Of course; it's easy to accept really swallow characters like Bugs Bunny, but we accept Bugs Bunny because he was legit funny. Entertainment value is the key here and I never thought Recess was entertaining unless you were a human hating sadist like the lead teacher in this show. It's like they wrote her as a monster heel or something. Still; there is hope for this show because I'm ranting on it 15 years later without the need of Jim Kellogg spitting in my ears. Who knows; maybe I'll like it. Then again; Chance basically purified the whole Recess show into one phrase. I'll explain that during the rant. So I have decided to do the debut episodes from the Taking The Fifth Grade DVD; then follow up with the shorts from the All Grown Down which is basically the five extra shorts they included in the main DVD set which has two OAV's. The OAV's will be done in one go even if it ultimately ends up being more than 100 KB in size and the second one I do believe is basically a number of shorts tied together with the proverbial chewing gum. One more thing of note: Recess also crossed over to Lilo & Stitch in the episode Lax. I have no clue why and I don't think it got over either. So let's begin this one shall we...?!

Break In is storyboarded by Kelly James and direction is done by Alan Smart. The New Kid is storyboarded by Celia Kendrick and Howy Perkins did direction. The story is edited and written by Holly Huckins and Lesa Kite. Teleplay is done by Michael Ferris, Peter Gaffney and Jon Greenberg. All writing credits are done by the creator Paul Germain and Joe Ansolabehere. Normally; I would give credits for the crew; but not in this case. As you'll see later on; the thing is running long as it is space wise. Maybe in one of the later ones I'll do it. Maybe. The animation is done by Grimsaem Animation Limited which is my first time ranting on them.


Opening Moment #1: For all the mockery and scorn this show deserves; I did love the opening of this show. It's all original footage and it's basically a complex sequence of events which starts with the kids running out of the school cheering as the sadist teacher comes out with the Chibi-Mr. Burns (check the hand grasp gesture; I'm not fooled guys) and we get various stuff going on including the military kid blows bubble gum and gets stuff in his hair after the bubble explodes. Then the ball cart runs away as the sadist teacher as more stuff happens (racial black sports stereotype kicks the ball) as Recess is going on; while Chibi-Burns is trying to play the snitch on some kids; but runs away like a coward when tough girl arrives pulling up her sleeves. More stuff occurs ending with sadist teacher pointing to the door and everyone goes back into the school. The last shot is the sadist teacher is about to close the door; but the "COOL KID" waves to us and sadist teacher slams the door as we get the credits. This was pretty good; with the military music in the background and no lyrics. I think this is the first DTVA show to do that. Gargoyles had no lyrics; but had Goliath narrating. However; I wish they would have put a lot more effort into writing a neat story line and developed the characters because this sequence's good graces are not going to last long if they do last at all...

Break In: We officially begin the series with a shot of tomato soup. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! That is the first shot of this series. We then segue to a ladle of tomato soup as we are in the lunch room as some lunch lady is dipping out "tomato surprise" into a white bowl as we see six kids in a lunch line and boy the artwork is pretty ugly for the most part. Fish Hooks' artwork at least had a certain charming style to it; but this looks like it was done similar to King Of The Hill; only with a lot less wit. The kid to the far right is wearing a red cap with a green sweater and a white shirt. I'm sure he's wearing pants. That is the "COOL KID" I mentioned in the opening; known as Theodore J. Detweiler; or T.J. for short. I'm sure there are people out there who think I'm mocking this kid for being the "COOL KID"; but the character sketch given to me for this show is 100% accurate. Chance Wolf; when mentioning the difference between TaleSpin's bible and Recess' bile; summed Recess up like this:

T.J. Detweiler: The cool kid.

Yeap; that's it. Absolutely no summary on why T.J. is the "COOL KID". The obvious question to ask would be: What did this character do to make himself be the "COOL KID"? Because there is no summary of a back story to prove to us that he deserves his coolness. Sound familiar? It should because Maxie Zeus crapped on Kick Buttowski for not earning it either. The problem with being cool is that people confuse that with the word awesome. Kick Buttowski; for all of his faults and there are many of them; at least knows the difference. Sure; Kick is unlikable, but he does have a slight grasp of reality. The word cool means that someone does something in the moment; and while it sounds great, it's all short term; while awesome means someone did something that will be memorable for the rest of time. At least in the context of entertainment. You can tell a crappy character easily if they mention him as the "cool guy" because he will be easily dated. That's a massive problem with T.J. because he does nothing that is considered cool by today's standards. Back in 1997; this may have been tolerable, but it looks so corny and trite now that T.J. looks like a fool who needs to have the long talk with his parents. Max Goof (yes; I'm comparing Goof Troop here because if I use Kit Cloudkicker; people will scream how biased I am since no one can touch Kit in terms of awesomeness and character.) was better because he at least did stuff that was considered very noble like help Goofy get a vacation. T.J. is just not noble and his coolness is the only trait he has; while Max has a more complete package of character traits. Sadly; this is not the only character that suffers from Shallow Gimmick Syndrome. I'm no longer calling them characters because a character grows even if the growth isn't enough to overcome the gimmicks they have. Now; I do have a positive thing to say about T.J.: Whomever was the voice director/talent coordinator of this show does win points from me on the fact that T.J. is voiced by a kid and he was voiced by three kids over the years. Thankfully; we will be dealing with all three voices in the Fall Assortment rants. The first voice of T.J. Theodore J. Detweiler is voiced by Ross Malinger who was 13 years old at the time. He started in Beverly Hills, 90210 as Elliot Brody and then was Harvey in Kindergarden Cop in 1990. He was Jonah Baldwin in Sleepless in Seattle, Michael DeRuzza in Good Advice, Will in The Simple Life, Jamie Burke in Party of Five and then Tyler Hale in Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher. Recess is his only DTVA appearance. Without A Trace as Jason is his most recent credit. He has 33 titles to his resume. So I'm not going to blame the kids for trying. It's not their fault they got such crappy characters to work with.

Our second kid to the left of T.J. is the "STREET SMARTS KID" who is a female wearing an orange winter cap (in the fall no less); red shirt and a black coat. She is the bully of the team because she's supposed to be street smart and tough. Now; I'm all for tough girls, but being a female version of a bully is NOT endearing. The second thing is; even if she does have a decent backstory; she STILL cannot lift a candle to Kit Cloudkicker who is the most notable street smart kid in DTVA history. That is the major problem with shallow gimmicks: Even kids will pick up the obvious and say: "Fine but so and so did it better". Trust me; I have more confidence in kids as an adult then I do with adults as an adult. Her name is Ashley Spinelli and I did crack a joke on her concerning Officer Spinelli in Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers. Ashley Spinelli is voiced by Pamela Aldon (last name was Segall at this point) and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): She is sometimes credited as Pamela Segall, Pamela S. Adlon and Pamela Segall Adlon. Adlon is best known for providing the voice of Bobby Hill on the animated series King of the Hill—a role for which she won an Emmy for Outstanding Voice-Over Performance in 2002. Other notable roles include Dolores Rebchuck in the 1982 feature film Grease 2, and "Girl Joey" in the 1984 teen comedy film Bad Manners (aka: Growing Pains). In 2006, she performed as the voice of Andy in Cartoon Network's Squirrel Boy animated series, and co-starred with Louis C.K. in the now canceled HBO sitcom Lucky Louie.[3] She starred as Marcy Runkle on Showtime's Californication and as Pamela on Louie, for which she is also a producer. Adlon voiced Pajama Sam in the cartoon games Pajama Sam In: No Need to Hide When It's Dark Outside, Pajama Sam 2: Thunder and Lightning Aren't So Frightening, Pajama Sam 3: You Are What You Eat from Your Head to Your Feet and Pajama Sam's Games to Play on Any Day. As mentioned in the Transmission Impossible rant; she started as Dolores Rebchuck in Grease 2 in 1982. Quack Pack as Dewey Duck is her DTVA debut and she was on Jungle Cubs as Baloo, Lucky in 101 Dalmatians: The Series, The Triple T's in Teachers Pet, Moose in Pepper Ann, Lilo & Stitch as Spinelli (Lax of course) and Buford's Mother in Phineas & Ferb. I believe that she is the only child character in this show voiced by an adult. Californication as Marcy, 9 Full Moons, Secret of the Wings, Dino Time, Pound Puppies 2012 edition and Thundercats 2012 edition are her most recent credits. She has 138 acting credits, six self credits and two writing/one production credits; doing Louie and Lucky Louie.

So the third kid to our left is a red haired girl who looks like a cross between Anne Shirley and Peppermint Patty; only with less wit and screaming powers. She is wearing a blue dress, white shirt and glasses indicating the obvious stereotype that she is the "SMART KID". Now I will give the writers credit for not making her Asian to give her an offensive gimmick; but she makes up for that by doing a lot of psycho babble. Now One Saturday Morning critics remember Cadpig from 101 Dalmatians where she does the same thing; the difference here is that Cadpig had Tress MacNeille to prop up an otherwise shallow character who talks deep. Gretchen Grunder doesn't have that at all and it just makes her another shallow gimmick at best. She's the one who blew up a test tube in the opening if anyone hasn't figured it out yet. Gretchen Grunder is voiced by Ashley Johnston and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Johnson has had a prolific career at a young age; before she was twenty-one years old, she had already been a part of the casts of eight different TV series. Her acting career began at age six, when she played the role of Chrissy Seaver (whose age was accelerated from a toddler between seasons for plotting purposes) on the television show Growing Pains from 1990 to 1992, where, since the sixth and seventh season, she and then little-known actor Leonardo DiCaprio were the main characters who were added in the show before its cancellation. In the one-season Phenom in 1993-1994, she played the mischievous younger sister of a rising teenaged tennis star. She also appeared in the 1994 sitcom All American Girl, which lasted for only one season, an episode in 1995 on "Roseanne" playing Lisa ("The Blaming of the Shrew") and was Mel Gibson's daughter in the 2000 comedy What Women Want.

In 2008 she became a regular on the drama Dirt as Sharlee Cates, a starlet whose character is based on pop singer Britney Spears.[citation needed] In 2009, she appeared in Omega, the finale of the first season of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse. She also appeared in the show's unaired pilot, Echo. In 2012, she appeared in The Avengers (directed by Whedon) as a waitress who develops an attraction to Captain America after he saves her life. Also a voice actress, she voiced Gretchen Grundler on the Walt Disney TV animated series Recess, Terra in the Teen Titans animated series during the show's second season, Jinmay on Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! and Gwen Tennyson on Ben 10 Alien Force and in future variations of the Ben 10 franchise. Three of her roles have love interests who are voiced by Greg Cipes (Chiro on Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!, Kevin in Ben 10, and Beast Boy in Teen Titans). She will also co-star in the upcoming PlayStation exclusive "The Last of Us".She would be 14 at this point and started with the movie Lionheart as Nicole in 1990. Recess is her DTVA debut and she was on Lloyd in Space as Violet, Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go as Jinmay and Lilo & Stitch in the Lax Crossover with Recess (And you thought Digimon Xros Wars whored out the past when they brought out... POW! OUCH! Ummmm...Damn Spoiler Killer!). The Last Of Us video game as Ellie is her most recent credit. She has 92 titles to her resume. Wow; I have barely 15 seconds into the episode and we are already on the fifth paragraph (six if you include the opening). UGH! And we haven't got through half of the lead kids yet; let alone the ADULTS! So the kids complain about the tomato surprise being acidic which Gretchen brings out the educational line of the episode about citric acid. You know you are in the One Saturday Morning Era when you have at least one character spewing out educational lines as the character's MAIN gimmick. The problem with this "must be educational" stuff is that kids watch cartoons to get away from such stuff because they are overloaded with this stuff in school already. Just because we don't use our brain enough; doesn't mean "the poison is in the dosage" doesn't exist. If the kid was home schooled; maybe this would have got over; but not in the public school system, no way, no how. And then the FCC is surprised when people want them to fold? Never mind that PBS would have never existed which does this educational stuff better anyway.

So we head to their favorite table as we see two more kids. On our left is a blond fat kid wearing a shirt looking at his "tomato surprise". I don't get why everyone hates tomatoes. It's like the slightly improved version of those Ain't Going To Kill You Ads the Ontario government did showing kids running away like scalded dogs screaming from an apple. Yet; that got over REAL WELL with the cynical, jaded kids out there. Anyhow; the kid on the left is the "DUMB & FAT KID" which combines the worst two non-bigoted gimmicks in the land. Well; at least he isn't female or Disney would really have problems on their hands. After all; this is supposed to be an FCC approved episode. His name is Mikey Blumberg by the way which I'm sure there will be "Hey Mikey!" jokes coming out of the wazoo. Also he was the one who downed a sandwich like Shaggy and burped in which his stomach did a lot better job selling then him. Mikey Blumberg is voiced by Jason Davis who started on Dave's World as Marco in 1994 and then was on 7th Heaven as Dwight Jefferson. Recess is his DTVA debut and he appeared on Lilo & Stitch: The Series in a Recess crossover. Sadly; Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew as himself is his most recent credit so I'm guessing that he needed some serious help for whatever issues he was having at the time. He has 16 credits to his resume. Wow; that is sad indeed. I could crack the obvious food addiction joke; but that would be mean and the FCC is watching me. I think. Then we have on the right; the "BLACK ATHLETE KID" who is wearing what looks to be a fake Boston Celtics tank top with a yellow #1 on the middle which is over his shirt and he has black curly hair. Yes folks; it's bad to have an Asian computer geek stereotype in this show; but it's perfectly all right to have a black stereotype of a perfect athlete. He's the one who kicked the ball in the opening by the way. His name is Vince LaSalle and despite being a stereotype on the level of Shellsea; he is probably the second most over of the lot. Vince LaSalle is voiced by Ricky D'Shon Collins who started with FBI: The Untold Stories in 1991. He then proceeded to do nothing of note until he played Chucky in Warriors of Virtue and Danny Phantom as Tucker Foley. Recess is his only DTVA appearance. Spongebob Squarepants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom as Tucker Foley is his most recent credit. He has 37 titles to his resume; not including writing a short called Undiagnosed. Seven paragraphs and we haven't finished all the main kids yet. Let alone the adults...Oh boy those adults!

So Vince's spoon burns as Gretchen claims that the tomato surprise can burn into the concrete floors. T.J. is pissed off because they serve fish stick out of cardboard and various other hyperbole. T.J.; it's a public school, not a five star eatery. It's not even MacDonalds or Burger King for that matters. Now if I was a writer and wanted to pass muster with the FCC; I would go home and do a story line on T.J.'s misadventures in cooking your own lunch to bring to school. I mean; that's how I have lunch at my schools. I only for a few days a week; have the lunch food served from the school mainly because of money. That would be a good way to develop your character as the "COOL KID" because it is a noble thing to do since cooking is a really good way to balance out your life. And you can make it healthier than the school's food. But the writers in this show believe that this plot line is too boring and that doing what emotionalist kids would do in these situations which is to whine, complain and have it ultimately lead to a major food fight is the "cool" thing to do to reel the children in. Really; they seriously believe that and think it would pass muster with the FCC. Which shows why no one likes the FCC: They even ruin the censored material and make no sense on their policies because it's run by moral guardians who think television is the devil and that church is the cure. T.J. thinks that they are hiding the good stuff all these years. Riiiigggghhhhttttt. So T.J. has Freddy's conspiracy theories gimmick from A Pup Named Scooby Doo; only without the charm of Z-grade horror movies. Vince calls this crazy; but no one cares about him because he's not a white, angry, male who got everything handed to him on a silver platter at the expense of everyone else. So he joins in instead of telling the lunch lady about the food which would be the rational thing to do; but kids are radically irrational about anything. Yeah; totally FCC safe. See what I mean by "giving them the middle finger"?

So we practice the fine art of not being seen to a double doors with signs that say "Keep Out" in red letters. Mikey does the bump into the table spot to spill their meals; but that leads nowhere. It only serves the purpose of showing that Mikey is dumb and fat. So T.J. tells the gang to cover him and he goes inside and sees a light next to a trash can. He turns around and sees a golden fridge with a sign that sezs: The Good Food. Boy; I have new found respect for the New Disney after this because this spot really sucks. Like the teacher would intentionally feed their students the bad food. Remember I said in my editorials that this show seems to be written from a abused child's perception of the real world? There is evidence #1 right there folks. T.J. tries to open the fridge but the alarms and sirens go off which is the obvious sign that T.J. will be in detention very soon. It's easy to call these spots because the writers make no real attempt to make the show look good by making the adults look like outright heels; save for a few. This kind of crap might have worked well with Codename: Kids Next Door because there was a charming naiveness to the proceedings; but this comes off as heavy handed and weak willed. And before T.J. can even turn around; there is what is considered to be the worst adult character in the history of DTVA bar none as we see an old lady in a brown dress with purple diamonds, glasses and the meanest look in history. And she looks like she's smiling during that look too. Oh my sole! It's Miss Finster; the whistle blowing, human hating sadist teacher. That's right folks; she is the most unlikable teacher in history of animation. I don't say authority figures; because the principal from Detention (Oh the irony!) is far WORSE than Miss Finster; if that was humanly possible. In Jim Kellogg's own words; quoted from my editorial: It's All About School (Cartoons):

The main teacher in 'Recess' Miss Finster was called in Jim Kellogg's own unfiltered words: cruel, arrogant, corrupt, paranoid. He even went as far to calling her a kid-hating sadist.

And despite that editorial being one of the worst editorials I have written (probably because I plagurized Jim Kellogg a lot in that one and I now have 15 years of hindsight to see how narrowed minded I was back then); I agree with Jim Kellogg almost 100%. One caveat: She does tone it down a bit later on; but she is still nasty. Consider that the FCC is a government run program and the Department of Education is also part of said government and teacher representing the government; how can anyone say that Disney wasn't giving the middle finger. The best way to protest the FCC rule in their view was to basically make the most cruel, arrogant, corrupt, paranoid sadist as a teacher. Now granted; T.J. is an idiot and deserves detention for what he did, but Miss Finster seems to enjoy her hate of students. Mr. Mufflin is boring and doesn't like kids; but at least he had an excuse and was helpful when needed even if we thought it was disgusting. Miss Finster has even less charm and character than Mr. Mufflin and that covers a lot of ground. And the early episodes of her are so overbearing that I cannot stand it. Miss Finster is voiced by April Winchell by the way. So she's Peg; only using her angry voice all the time to sound like a cranky old lady. Lovely; just lovely. Miss Finster proves once again that the writers have no clue how to write teachers properly and it's inexcusable when TaleSpin does a much better job in it; and only in two episodes (and one of them had a school scene for 2 minutes tops). This goes on for six straight years. Think about that for a moment and see why a lot of us thought that this was a disgrace to the profession; much like Jack The Anti Gamer one was a disgrace to the attorney profession.

And we get evidence #1 after the meet and greet as we return to the lunch room and we see Miss Finster on the catwalk above the room with T.J. as Miss Finster is making an example out of him for enjoying breaking school rules. Yeah; she's parading the offender in front of the kids and lying about him enjoying something. This kind of cruelty doesn't work because it's the old "Don't push that button" routine because it means that the teacher has something to hide and incriminates the teacher for screwing the student over. I mean; if you want to make Finster a heel; I would have her assertive in her voice and act like a normal teacher would because it would be convincing for a while. There is no such pretext here; she's doing it because she enjoys making examples out of kids to make her feel good as a person of power. That's the kind of stuff that usually results in lawsuits; more so when religion is involved. Cruel, arrogant, corrupt and paranoid and no sense of empathy for T.J. That's the mark of a sociopath. In a sane world; she would be on welfare at best. And T.J. gleefully ignores her and does some hand motions of victory just to make the sense even worse for her. Miss Finster decides that the best way to deal with him is no more Recess. Oh please Miss Finster; is that the best you can come up with? T.J. was going to steal food; in this world she would have called the police and have him arrested. Why not go there; the FCC would have approved gracefully. It's not like kids haven't been in jail before in DTVA. And just Recess? So he'll still have lunchtime and MORE incentive to go back there. I realize that improving the cooking would have solved this problem; but the writers aren't even trying to make it look reasonable. They think a kid version of Hogans Heroes is over despite Hogans Heroes being so dated that it's not funny. Then again; TaleSpin was dated from day one; but at least the flight serials from the 1930's was safer than Hogans Heroes. Not much safer mind you; but still.

Of course everyone panics like mad in a desperate attempt to sell the damaged goods of this short. Hey Mikey; losing Recess is not the end of the world. There is always after school to play. Have you thought about that? T.J. simply gulps. Trust me T.J. I gulped when decided to tackle this show for the Fall Assortment. I really feel bad for the kids who voiced the characters on this show because they don't know better and it's not their fault for this crappy crap. So we get a shot of outside the school as we have Recess as per the show's title. So we have the kids playing as Miss Finster has the Gruffi pose on full blast. Then we see a boy with brown curly hair and a girly voice who looks like a kid version of Mr. Burns (the one who clasped his hands like Mr. Burns) tattle-taling on Miss Finster about some kids doing bad stuff. Yes folks; this is the "SNITCH KID"....ERRR....I mean "TEACHER'S PET KID". Yeah; he's that type of kid who sneaks around and tries to help the heel teacher round up victims for detention or something like that. His name is Randell Weems; who is voiced by Ryan O'Donohue and according to the USIMDB: Ryan was born in Pomona, California to Anita Lynne Rultenberg and Sean Patrick O'Donohue. He has acted in Community Theatre until he was 9 years old. He got interested in professional acting after his 9th birthday. He wanted his father to buy him a new Sega Genesis Video Game. His Father told him he could not afford to buy him video games more than a few per year. He told him to get a job. Ryan's response was, What can I do? He was told he could do paper routes or cut lawns as his father had done when he was his age. Ryan responded with: You need a car to deliver newspapers and illegal aliens do all the lawn cutting around Southern California. His father said that he could try acting, because we lived around Los Angeles, but that it was a long shot and don't expect anything to happen for a long time. Also if you are going to persue this the only help his father was to offer was to pay for pictures and drive Ryan to auditions. All telephone calls and appointments were going to have to be made by Ryan in order to prove his interest. Ryan took care of contacting agents and photographers and within one month of getting his Agent, Ryan and his Dad were filming Ryan's first prime time series in Hawaii called "The Byrds of Paradise". After returning from Hawaii, the show was canceled after the first season. Ryan got a part in the movie "Tales of the Crypt: Demon Night". He then got a voice over part with Disney for Simba the lion for all video games and story books. Ryan starred in the CBS series "The Boys are Back" with Suzanne Pleshette and Hal Linden. He started as Zeke Byrd in The Byrds of Paradise in 1994, was Matt McGinnis in Batman Beyond and was the lead character voice in What-A-Mess. Recess is his only DTVA appearance. Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days as Demyx is his most recent credit. He has 28 credits to his resume. Oh lord; we are on the 12th paragraph and barely three minutes into this thing; including the opening. I would have most shorts completed by now. I should point out that Digger Dave is voiced by the same guy; more on him later. Oh; and Randell is the third most over character by proxy. There is still one major kid left; and he's the most over.

Apparently; a girl said a bad word. Whomp? More on that one in the next rant I'm doing; if I ever get out of this one alive. And then we get one of those spots where I shouldn't be laughing; but I do: Miss Finster feeds Randell a cookie whom Randell sells like he's a dog. Now kids will laugh at this spot; but seriously, are you telling me that Randell is an animal that is tamed by Miss Finster just to snitch on kids? Isn't that cruel and disgusting? It's bad enough police justify this tactic; but it's even worse when teachers are involved and the fact that they are just kids. Just lovely guys! How this show lasted six years; I'll never know. So we pan over to see the ONE GIMMICK BAND (Hey; we came up with Recess' version of the GANG OF GAG) practice the fine art of not being seen because Randell is enjoying that cookie way too much to be considered mentally stable and they hide below a giant window. Wait; I noticed on the first shot outside that there are two door leading to the lunch room but they are on opposite sides. WHY? Is there some kind of implied bigotry in this school that I don't get? Anyhow; the window is slightly open as T.J. is perfectly normal. I mean he's screaming and bullying Vince. I roll my eyeballs seeing that one (THAT'S RACIST!); as T.J. counted the ceiling titles and there are 1,678 of them. Despite the animation only showing about three dozen tops. What did you expect from these writers? Accuracy? T.J. of course wants them to get him the hell out of here. So he's allowed in the lunch room? Wait; what? The lunch room is where T.J. tried to steal the food. So why should T.J. be upset? Finster is outside distracted by Randell; so this would be the perfect time to steal the food and hide the evidence. God; I hate this series and we aren't even halfway through this short. Spinelli tells him that they have his back in this; and before they can do anything, here comes Miss Finster demanding answers to this outrage. So the kids run and hide behind a dumpster while Miss Finster is chasing them. So if she's chasing them; then that is the worst hiding spot ever. Vince feels for T.J.; and I don't at all. Spinelli wants to bust him out now; but Gretchen is the wet blanket and claims that this has a 70% chance of failure based on her calculations. So? That hasn't stopped successful baseball hitters before. Unless you are the Yankees in the 2012 ALCS.

So Mikey has an idea and wants to ask..."The Guru Kid". Oh lord; even the writers are now admitting that they are producing shallow characters. So we scene change to Mikey as we get some stereotypical Indian music as Mikey is doing this silly "o'wise one" stuff and we cut to see that the Guru Kid is an racist middle eastern stereotype with white underwear on his head. Hey GeoX; HERE'S YOUR TARGET RIGHT THERE! I'll provide the fruit to throw at the writers too. It's bad enough when we have adult versions of this stereotype; but kids? GOD!! Guru Kid makes an allegory to bumble bees. Yeah. He wishes he was the guru from The Hilarious House of Count Frieghtenstein with Vincent Price. He who laughs last; realizes how racist the joke is. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No one gets the joke; what a shock? Mikey translates to us that if they get help from all the kids they can bust T.J. out; thus the bumble bee thing. Gretchen calculates that the chance of failure is down to 55-60%. Ooookkkkaaaayyyy; that sounds reasonable, I think. Guru Kid is voiced by the same person who did Digger Sam and Digger Sam is voiced by Klee Bragger who started with Love & War as Young Ray in 1995. He went onto Something Wilder as Kyle, A Goofy Movie as Tourist Kid, Fraiser as Ned, and The Modern Adventures of Tom Sawyer as Morty. Recess is his DTVA and most recent credits. That's it; just nine credits for him. So the kids leave thinking that this is a great idea as a black kid in a yellow shirt arrives asking for advice on spelling and Guru Kid actually pays off the joke about the bumble bee. You know; the "Spelling Bee". Didn't make me laugh; but he did pay off the joke. I have to admit that.

So we head near the wired mesh fence as we see two kids in mining gear digging a hole to bury themselves in before the writers even have a chance. The male one is wearing a red scarf around his neck and the female one has white mask. These two are the Diggers: Digger Dave and Digger Sam. The kids ask for help on busting T.J. out of detention and the Diggers agree because Vince offered them Recess. Even though it IS Recess; the Diggers sell and keep digging. I can see the metaphor that they are shooting for; but they are so dumb that they cannot see straight and this is not working out. See; the plan is to do the old prison escape routine. Yeap; sounds like Hogan's Heroes to me. So it ends up with the twins calling each other stupid (What a surprise?) and they bash each other with shovels off-screen as we hear the sound; but don't feel the bashing. Ummm; so off-screen violence is still approved by the FCC at this point? As long as we don't feel it. I shake my head in disbelief. Spinelli sums up the show in one sentence. So we head to the swing set as a crowd is chanting for a girl kid who is dressed like a pilot. Okay; she's the most over person in the show and she needs to get the hell out of this show before the writers screw her in the head. She's the Swinger Kid as she wants to go around the pole of the swing set like no one has gone before. The ONE GIMMICK BAND asks if she will be of any help. Probably not as she flies off the swing and screams off-screen before she lands in some bushes off-screen with a wussy bump. Still better than most of this damn show; so A for effort for her at least. Swinger Girl is voiced by Franesca Smith who started with Parker Lewis Cannot Lose in 1991 and then on to Beethoven the animated series as Emily Newton in 1994 (Proving that the 1980's had no monopoly when it comes to crappy movie shows). She is known as Helga in Hey Arnold which was her most recent credit. Recess is her DTVA debut as Swinger Girl, Upside Down Girl and Ashley Boulet. She also appeared on Filmore which is one of the best shows in a school setting. And it's nice to have the black guy become THE lead too. She has 25 credits to her resume.

So we scene change to behind the bushes as the "babyfaces"; which is probably the first time I have put that in scare quotes, are stooped to reasoning with kindergardeners which Vince finds embarrassing. As embarrassing as this show? FACKING BULLSHEET! Gretchen claims that she can talk to them as we see all of them looking like savage natives tying up a helpless fourth grader to a pole and with those stone near his feet; I'm thinking that they have plans to set him on fire too. Seriously; I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. They are dressed like natives in green war paint and doing the war dance. HELP ME! HELP ME! There is no help forthcoming sadly. I refuse to dignify this nonsense. Let's just say that Gretchen's shiny foil trick fails badly and the big kids run away from the kindegardeners just to make themselves look really, really weak. So we scene change to the plastic playground jack of all trades set as we see on the top a teenage kid wearing a crown and a cape holding a hockey stick while one of the kids is keeping him cool. So we have a racial middle eastern stereotype, the black athlete and kindergardener who literally act like racist native stereotypes without any rhyme nor reason? What were the writers on? Answer: The FCC Juice. If you don't know what this is; relax. You'll go to sleep better not knowing why it is so funny. Anyhow; Mikey doesn't want to ask King Bob who is the king of Recess. Okay; I like King Bob actually when I was a kid; mainly because he had character development; but there wasn't enough of him to help the show in anyway. King Bob is voiced by Toran Caudell who started as Max in Max Is Missing in 1995. Then he did Hey Arnold as Wolfgang, 7th Heaven as Rod and Rocket Power as Cool Kid (!!!). 101 Dalmatians: The Series was his DTVA debut as Tripod and also appeared on The Weekenders. L.A. DJ and The Eavesdropper are his most recent credits. He has 22 titles to his resume, not including composer credits for My Super Sweet 16.

Spinelli proclaims that King Bob better help them; or she'll introduce herself to Madam Fist. So Madam Fist is the mother of Toxic Manliness? AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Vince claims that King Bob can only be reasoned with finesse so he's going to do the talking. So Spinelli's the only one who hasn't asked for help; while Vince has asked two people already? Yeap; she's has no sense of self preservation. So we don't get any buildup of them walking up to the top as Vince is kneeling down in the prayer position asking for King Bob's help. This is so bad that King Bob orders a first grader to be taken off the sand and they are dragged by the kid versions of Gunner & Murphy. HAHA! See; King Bob has already seen through these kids which is a plus for him. So Vince continues to ask for a royal favor from King Bob who is eating potato chips in a bowl. Wow; I think we have found our first real positive thing about this show. King Bob is a fifth grader as we see that a girl is cooling him off. And he laughs along with the other kids around him. I got to admit; I enjoyed that one. Bob proclaims that EVERYONE needs his help because he's the king of the playground see. Mikey takes this as him helping them and I betcha King Bob refuses to help and the kids get dragged away. I check the DVD... Damn; I'm so good and the rant he cut was absolutely awesome. Let's just say that he's too busy and leave it at that. And then we REPEAT THE ANIMATION only with different mouth flaps. How cheap can you get?! He calls T.J. "SOME DUMB KID". HAHA! That's even better and much more fitting than the "COOL KID". King Bob is carrying this episode kicking and screaming; and it looks like Spinelli is ready to do that to King Bob which I don't approve off. You don't screw with King Bob; it's like screwing with Dave Brown in CWA/USWA. Spinelli counter rants calling him a lazy jackass who doesn't give a damn about kids like him. Ummm; that's because King Bob is better than your posse combined. Have you ever thought of that Spinelli? Spinelli calls him some dumb kid and invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH (oh that's it! She is asking for a Bradley-equse pounding now.) on him.

Vince tries to play peacemaker here; but Gretchen defends her violent friend as Gretchen calls her. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Vince is utterly flustered now as Mikey also agrees with Gretchen's assessment of King Bob. Sure you are Mikey; because your gimmick is some dumb and fat and happy kid. In other words: Projection Playground Version 0.1. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This episode is torturing me slowly and it's going to get worse before it ultimately gets better. A few of the kids on the playground agree with the assessment too (one of them is a girl in a blue dress who is called Cornchip Kid and voiced by Francesca Smith. Interesting note: She was originally Frito Kid in the first airing; but that was cut due to legal reasons in the second airing and became Cornchip Kid ever since. Her full name is Theresa Laverne LaMaise by the way.) because they have been called some dumb kid. Is this the kind of stuff you want in a show that is supposed to be approved for viewing by the FCC? Everyone calling everyone else dumb for no reason. Now granted; real life does have that too, but we are supposed to be BETTER than that. Admitting that you are some dumb kid is only serving to prove that kids have been wasting their time on television. Just because I think church is not much better doesn't mean that there are no better alternatives to television watching. I'm giving 2:1 odds that King Bob buys it and helps T.J.; 5:1 odds that he doesn't at first; but then joins in anyway, and 30:1 odds that he blows them off outright and we don't see him again for the rest of the episode. I'm hoping for the later, hoping it's not the former; but realistically think it will be the middle one. And oh crap; Bob chooses the first one. Good job guys; you basically killed off King Bob's coolness right out of the starting gate. At least the second choice would have kept most of his heat. The one good character they had and they flush him down the toilet within a minute. Thank you Spinelli; I'm sure Officer Spinelli is so proud of you. So the kids cheer as we cut to Miss Finster guarding the door to the lunch room as we get the opening music and we do the GUMMI BEAR COMPLEX KRACKPOTKIN PLAN OF THE DAY with all the kids including Swing Girl with the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE. She makes it to the pipe and ties the rope to said pipe. The kindergardeners all swing and it's a nice blending of the opening with the actual animation. That is pretty neat; I give them that much.

So they go through the ceiling title with Upside Down Girl and they swing to open the doors and let the babyfaces in. I guess it was the middle door as the kids make it to the door; but it's locked even though Spinelli claims that it's jammed. Riiiigggghhhttttt. So Spinelli brings out the "tomato surprise" from a flask and uses an eyedropper to melt the door off it's hinges. Now that I have thought about it: If metal can be melted; wouldn't plastic and glass melt the same way? You are going to tell me that the kids have somehow lived eating that and it melts metal like sulfuric acid? Yeah right; that's FACKING BULLSHEET! So they enter and T.J. is nowhere to be found as his coat and hat are on the table and then we see T.J. outside on the playground as he apparently freed himself; without any explanation as to how he got out. Miss Finster barges in and proclaims that they are so eager to get back in the classroom as she checks her watch and Recess is over as the bell rings outside. Thus rendering the whole episode completely pointless. Good job guys; you screwed up the finish and made T.J.'s friends look like a bunch of clutzes; only to make the heel win the day anyway. Great first impression there guys. How did this show last six years; I'll never know. And Recess is at noon time? Really? That's actually the first logic break of the episode believe it or not. T.J. screams badly and kneels down in protest as Miss Finster enjoys it all on the steps. Whatever as we fade to black to turn Michael Eisner on... and we head outside the school on the sidewalk with the ONE GIMMICK BAND exchanging notes. Okay; if this is supposed to be inspired by Hogan's Heroes; then why are they outside the school at all? I realize that the FCC wouldn't approve of the authority figures confining the kids inside the school until they are 16 or something like that; but this kills the continuity the writers were shooting for. T.J. thanks them for trying to help him as everyone calls this an relevantly entertaining Recess. Geez; I wonder how much worse the other Recesses were?

So they bring up the Digger Siblings again and wonder where they are. Now logic dictates that the Diggers should end up in the principal's office and we debut Principal Prickley and after talking for a bit he looks outside and sees T.J. and gets evil. That would be bad; but it would still be a logical ending and make the diggers look bad. Instead we get the "Take Me Out Of The Ball Game" ending from Ducktales. I'm dead serious about this one as the Diggers literally dig themselves to Beijing, China. Complete with stereotypical Chinese music and they end up inside a school room which houses Chinese Kindergardeners. OH MY GOD! That is so racist; the writers of Last Horizons deserve an apology. F*** this show! F*** THIS SHOW!! The kindergardeners say in Chinese "let's eat them" just to complete the racism and attack the diggers to mercifully end this short at 10:33. Oh my Jonas; this is probably the worst debut episode I have ever seen and I saw Wizboy from Fanboy & Chum Chum. When you say: "At least it wasn't Ducks By Nature"; you have a huge problem. How this show got back to respectability; I have no clue whatsoever. - * 1/2 (-30%); and that is being generous. I can imagine the late Jim Kellogg yelling MINUS FIVE STARS in heaven right now.

The New Kid: We begin this one inside a classroom as Mikey is staring at a paper cup. Spinelli and Vince are watering plants as Mikey is complaining about his plant not growing. Spinelli calls him a lugnut and shows him a seed. Ummm; he didn't just forget the seed; he forgot the soil and the water to go with it. Yeap; dumb blond kid. Whatever guys. I am so over this BS now that hopefully I can go on and finish these debut episodes. So T.J. walks in and he has a crappy plan. What is that plan? He doesn't say; we hit the porno music and have Gretchen talking to Miss Grotkey (first name Alordayne) who is an African American teacher with a green dress and glasses. Now this teacher I confused with Pepper Ann's teacher; but I do remember liking her. She is probably the only teacher I like; but half of the reason is because if they made her a heel; then people would be screaming "RACIST! RACIST!" throughout the streets of California. She's clueless; but at least she's likable which is the sad tragedy of this show in a nutshell. The other problem is that Disney didn't even bother to hire a black actress for the role as she is voiced by Allyce Beasley. No disrespect to Allyce; but this is the wrong role to be doing. I would have had Cree Summer doing the role; only with her natural voice. She'll be fine. More educational psycho babble from Gretchen which at least isn't annoying me more than the rest of the show so I'm fine with it now. Alordayne is confused and who can blame her; Gretchen is running rings all over her which is sad to watch because the white fourth grader is smarter than the middle age black teacher. I shake my head at Disney again for green lighting such nonsense. So the plan involves the ONE GIMMICK BAND sneaking into Alor's desk and grabbing THE KEY from her desk. Seriously; it has "The Key" written on a paper attached to the key. We pass the key onto Spinelli who climb up on the first grader ladder spot (so she's teaching two different classes. No wonder she's clueless; she's overwhelmed) as Spinelli changes the clock from almost nine AM to ten AM slowly to cause the bell to ring and we have Recess an hour early. Oh lord; they stooped to outsmarting the clueless black teacher. Not only is that racist; but it's unsportsmanlike. At least with Miss Finster; it's a challenging sport and Finster would at least make a decent foil. Damn this show!

The kids head back to their desks and act like nothing happened as Gretchen stops talking to her. Here's the obvious problem with this: Miss Grotkey is positioned where she could easily SEE the clock and therefore see Spinelli fiddling with it. Logic break #1 for the short barely a minute in. And she doesn't suspect a thing. Lovely. She dismisses the class and the kid go for the door but there is a green military man standing in the hallway blocking the doorway. He has a crew cut and proclaims in military speak that he is deploying his son. He addresses himself as Lt. Griswald and thus his son is Gus Griswald; the military kid who got bubble gum stuck in his hair while blowing it. Now; Gus is the one character I actually liked because he was the only main character kid who got some character development. Sure; he's as shallow as a mud puddle; but the mud puddle is three times deeper than the rest of the characters in this show. And his father is pretty impressive. I just hope that Gus doesn't get screwed in the head like King Bob did in the previous short. Lt. Griswald is voiced by Sam McMurray and according to Wikipedia (DANGER! DANGER!): Among McMurray's film credits are Raising Arizona, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Drop Dead Gorgeous, L.A. Story, The Wizard as Jimmy's step-father Mr. Bateman, and C.H.U.D.. On television he was a featured player on The Tracey Ullman Show, played a recurring role as Chandler's boss on Friends, appeared in The King of Queens as Doug and Deacon's boss and also appeared in Disney's Recess, Freaks and Geeks, Home Improvement, The Sopranos, The Tick and Breaking Bad. McMurray gained much international recognition among gamers for his role as the voice of 'BBC Newscaster/American Newscaster' in the expansion for Command and Conquer Generals. He also appeared in the 2011 TV film A Holiday Engagement. He started with The Front in 1976. Recess is his DTVA debut and his only appearance. Unless you count two cameos in The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. The Option ARM is his most recent credit. He has 162 titles to his resume. I'm sorry that I couldn't show many of his credits; this rant is running long as it is. I should point out that Sam McMurray also voiced Bob Spinelli who is Spinelli's dad in case anyone gives a damn.

Grotkey doesn't seem to mind; but Spinelli thinks Gus is trouble. Which means he's awesome in my view. Okay; he's nowhere near awesome; but he is at least tolerable and I do have some sympathy for the poor guy. Griswald steps aside and shows us Private Gustav in the flesh who is a blond haired kid with a crew cut, glasses and the standard pants and shirt. Well; he does dress for success as the kids aren't liking him at all. Grotkey doesn't mind which is good for her; at least she has the empathy part down. Gustave Griswald is voiced by Courtland Mead who started in For Parents Only as Tommy in 1991. He did mostly movies in bit roles and cameos in television until the Little Rascals movie as Uh-Huh in 1994. He was Russel Hartman in Kirk as well. Nightmare Ned as Ned was his DTVA debut believe it or not. I almost forgot that one and I don't even remember that one at all. Must have really bombed for me to forget that one. Maybe one day; I'll find some episodes and give the show a shot. Maybe. He was also Lloyd in Lloyd In Space and like the other kids; he appeared as Gus in the Recess/Lilo crossover Lax which is his most recent credit. He has 39 titles to his resume. The last non Disney credit would be the short called Incest. Ummm; yeah whatever. It's not like Sailor Moon's dub didn't have kissing cousins or anything. Griswald salutes everyone and leaves as Gus doesn't know what to do at this point. Grotkey welcomes him to the classroom family and asks to explain a bit about himself. Gus perfectly explains that he has been to 12 schools in the last six months and his own friend is something named Tirburt. Are my ears playing tricks on me? A Recess lead character with a back story? Sure; it's very simple and not deep at all; but it's still has the makings of a character. Not a good character; but a character, so the writers are actually trying to get Gus over by other means. I still say that Gus is going to get F'ed in the head though. No one kid sells as Wylie (so Wikipedia claims) pulls on Grotkey's dress like Molly (SEXUAL HARASSMENT!) and wants to leave. Grotkey decides to let them out and they do the FCC FRIENDLY STAMPEDE OF DOOM out of the door and Gus somehow is unharmed. Wow; BS&P if I ever saw one. I think even Gus would be taken aback by this.

Wylie is just another dumb kid and voiced by Michael Shulman and according to the USIMDB: Born in New York, New York, Michael began his career in theatre at the age of 8. After appearing in numerous plays and musicals including the original cast of Steven Sondheim's "Assassins" and a two year run on Broadway in "Les Miserables", Michael has turned to television and film, appearing most notably in Fox's "Party of Five" (1994) and his critically-acclaimed performance as Benny in the HBO special, _Someone Had to Be Benny (1996) (TV)_. Michael is a talented singer, appearing in over 5 albums, and an avid golfer. He graduated from Yale University with a major in History of Art. He started with All My Children in 1989 playing a kid and would be 16 by the time Recess arrived. It's also his only DTVA appearance; although he also voices Francis "HUSTLER KID" in the same show as well. Gus is confused by all this as Grotkey explains that Recess is the daily ritual at school and Gus claims that it's early for Recess. However; he is interrupted by T.J. and he drags him outside acting like he's friends with him; despite the fact that he joined in the stampede. T.J. if you want to be likable; you will stay in the class when they stampede and then offer to take Gus on the guided tour. So we go outside for more Recess "Fun". For them it is. For me it's more like pain and suffering. We get the pan shot as T.J. explains that the jocks are harmless although they go give weidges. Harmless T.J.? You keep saying that; I do not think it means what you think it means. The ONE GIMMICK BAND arrives as Vince wants to talk to T.J. in private. HAHA! See; make the joke and then pay it off. Gus' look is priceless here. See; I can praise this show when it earns it; like I did when Quack Pack earns it too. T.J. mentions the bug eating kid as the gimmicks all walk off. Vince blows off T.J. for talking to a new kid within 48 hours. Yes; it's a "Recess Rule" it seems. Now granted; I am not the talking one in a new setting and it takes a long time for me to talk to anyone; but I'm the exception, not the rule. And to Vince: Sod off! Let T.J. be likable in his own way even if it isn't much at all. T.J. end arounds him by claiming that he hasn't said anything to the new kid and Vince has the Gruffi pose on full blast. Ooookkkaaayyyy; that was confusing.

So we scene change as T.J. continues giving Gus the guided tour. I'll give T.J. credit: he's trying to be likable which is more than I can say about Kick Buttowski. It's the fort of kindergardeners which Mikey points out that the last kid to enter has never been seen again. As in the kindergardeners killed him/her. Whatever. Gus cries for that kid and I don't blame him; I would cry too because WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE WRITERS SMOKING?! Sadly; he's crying because no one has been nice to him and it's so beautiful to him. Well; whatever completes you as a person Gus. I'll give credit to Mikey for trying to be likable too. We get drums pounding as one of the fourth graders (who is male and wearing an almond coat. I'm guessing by process of elimination that he's voiced by Malachi Pearson who started in 1986 acting. The Little Mermaid as Crabscout #3 was his DTVA debut, and appeared in Gargoyles as James. He is best known as the 1996 version of Casper the Friendly Ghost. Malcolm In The Middle is his most recent credit. He has 24 titles to his resume. ) proclaims that the sixth graders are coming as King Bob shows up with his coach of carriers with glasses on as everyone is forced to drop down as T.J. drags Gus down to pray at the feet of King Bob. T.J. explains to Gus to act humble and not say anything. King Bob notices T.J. right away and Gus blows his cover about five seconds in causing T.J. to be flustered. HAHA! King Bob is interested as he forces a kid with a green shirt to kneel before him and he declares that he is no longer the new kid and he's Morris P Hinkler again. Morris thanks Bob with all of his heart's content. I'm going to hazard a guess that it's Justin Shenkarow (I do know that he voices Jordan; one of King Bob's servants. However; I don't see him yet; nor he has spoken yet.) but don't quote me on that one. I'm not going to bother doing a tribute on him because this is going long as it is already. Kid kisses hand and King Bob tells him to ease up on that. The kid really milks this and it's starting to get rather annoying now.

Gus gulps as King Bob grabs Gus by the shoulders and King Bob declares him the new kid; which means no one is allowed to talk to him personally. So; you're allowed to talk to him as long as you don't address him by his real name? That's a Bullcrap rule if I ever saw one because it still doesn't alienate the guy which is supposed to be the whole point of the rule. Gus giggles and wonders how bad can it be. So we scene change to the sidewalk outside as a school bus arrives. Gus tries to get on but gets shoved and stepped on in that order by the kids who taunt him and call him weak kid and new kid. Even the bus driver calls him new kid. She is a red curly haired bus driver wearing a blue uniform and we discover that she's fat and voiced by the first voice on this show to appear on TaleSpin: Tress MacNeille. FINALLY! Gus tries to find a seat; but no one will offer him one. One of the kids points to the back of the bus which is old and moldy. You know what this is; this is a metaphor for passive-aggressive bully. If the writers were smart; it should end with Gus almost taking his own life, but this is Disney and you must always have happy endings. None of this Her Chance to Dream bullcrap like that disgrace to the Jungle Book was seven years ago. I can hear Michael Eisner saying that in double speak right now. So apparently the rule covers teachers as well because Miss Grotkey calls him new kid when doing attendance next day at school. And yes; Gus is the last guy and he doesn't even get picked. Now kick ball is a nice gimmick and all; but this is not a good show to be promoting it; more so with this stupid angle. On the other hand; it's infinity times better than Blasto Baseball in Quack Pack; that much I am sure. Gus asked about him and Wyille (It's hard for me to keep track because the character designs are so alike at times; my brain starts to shut down) brings out a scroll and according to the "constitution" of the playground (these kids have NO idea what that means) ; no new kids are allowed. Yeah; no liberty in Third Street School at all. You expect me to believe that the adults would act like that to Gus? At least with Miss Finster I would totally expect her to stoop to that low; but Grotkey knew he was the new kid from the start so she has no excuse at all. Great move guys; you killed whatever good graces I had for her with this stupid angle. Gus doesn't know what to do at this point.

So we head to Gus' house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) at Gus' house which looks like something out of the Hell's Angels. Seriously. Now this is pretty awesome; but the crappy background artwork ruins the effect quite a bit. We see Gus in a green robe with a toothbrush head in and turns on the lights and attempts to brush his teeth. Then he's in shock as he sees the green titled wall and that there is a holder with "New Kid" sign taped on the wall. WHAT THE HELL GRISWALD? Is this your idea of a joke? God; another adult flushed down the drain on this show. What are these writers thinking? Oh yeah; giving the middle finger to the FCC. After seeing the Magic School Bus a million times as a kid; I can safely say that the writers of this show are manchildren and womanchildren now. So Gus screams and it's a half decent scream as we get another shot of outside and we fade to black to turn Michael Eisner on. I am getting so frustrated by this dumb crap now and I'm barely halfway home to completing this episode. So we head back to the playground near the picnic tables as Gus's head is apparently too big and smacks his face into the wood. So sad, he's still trying to figure out why the writers suddenly hate him more than Webby Vanderquack. Mikey at least has enough empathy to try to console him; despite the rule and Mikey claims that there are people who don't have names. Gus dares him to name names and we get the Artist Formally Known as Prince. Yeah; and he was way more talented than anyone in this show. Yes; the idea was stupid, but Prince at least had a good cause for doing it (rebel against the record labels for screwing him over.); there is no excuse for doing this dumb crap to Gus. None whatsoever. Mikey continues to name names and Gus blows him off as he calls himself a loser and even his snake won't look at him in the eye. Wow; the writers screwed Tribut up too? UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WHY DIDN'T I START WITH KIM POSSIBLE INSTEAD?! WHY?! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Okay; I'm better now. I think...Gus walks off in a sulking manner as he talks about dust in the wind. Sorry writers; referencing an old song is not going to save this cartoon at all. Although Gus' version of it is nice; I'll give them that at least. Spinelli does the Gruffi pose and blows off Gus for being annoying. Screw you Spinelli; you're just jealous that Gus is much more over than you will ever be. Not saying much; I know. But at least I feel for Gus in spite of being a shallow cutout. Mikey does make me proud though by blowing off Spinelli for having no sense of empathy for Gus and even Vince backs up Mikey on this one. Rules or no rules; Gus needs help. T.J. has a Krackpotkin plan to solve this problem and he wants to give him back his name. Wait; aren't you going to help him get back his dignity because he has been bullied and even if you give him back his name; he's STILL going to be bullied. This is just getting dumber and dumber by the second. And then T.J. goes on a tangent for no other reason and then forgets Gus' name. Oy vey guys. So we head back to Gus' home as Gus walks out of the home (probably to tell his dad that he disowns him for agreeing to this "new kid" crap when he is his father. Sorry Lt.; this does not build character at all. Science sezs so.) and onto the sidewalk. We pan over to the conveniently placed tree as Mikey is behind it with a red transmitter calling for Little Boy. Oh great; now we are going to stalk Gus now; only it's not nearly as interesting or awesome as Jackie The Stalker Whackerman from Kick Buttowski. The ONE GIMMICK BAND does a crappy walkie talkie spot which includes scaling a billboard and blowing your cover in front of the kids at the school no less. Wait; why are the other kids behind Gretchen supporting this? I thought they hated Gus? Never mind; it's time to start Operation Gustave as Gus is walking as Mikey walks behind him and calls him Gus at the Bus Stop. T.J. arrives and calls him Gus in a sarcastic manner as the bus arrives. What about Gus' dignity? Are we going to seriously believe that calling him Gus is going to change the fact that they bully him because he's the new kid.

The bus opens up and Bus driver Bertha calls him Gus too. Geez; the writers cannot even keep their continuity straight on this show. Everyone greets him and even one of them offers him a seat. Gus is not exactly liking this; but T.J. claims it's nothing and calls him Gus. Gus sits in the back anyway instead of with the kid who offered him the seat for no reason as we see the billboard Spinelli was on saying Good Morning Gus. I should point out that the School's Name is Third Street which is uncreative; but still a million times better than Benedict Arnold Middle School in Detention. Like I said; not even Recess is as crappy as Detention is from Warner Brothers. What a misfire that was? More like the gun itself exploded into WB's face which they should be all familar. We arrive at the school and Wyllie gives Gus the red carpet treatment. I don't know what is worse; their vile attempt to alienate Gus; or their vile attempt to kiss and make up with Gus? I think it's a draw at this point. We get the flyover by the Gedo bi-plane with a banner that sezs Have A Nice Day Gus. Vince is directing the kids to sing that they love Gus now after alienating him days ago. Yeah right; this is all so believable, NOT! A banner of Third Street School welcoming Gus ensues and a statue of Gus in perfect scale to his appearance on Lax in Lilo & Stitch. Or maybe not. Gus sadly; ha to sell it as the greatest moment of his life BECAUSE the bosses tell him to to advance the plot. Poor Gus; this sequence is so contrived and forced that it feels like they are simply stomping over his dignity instead of helping it come back. But then we REPEAT THE ANIMATION of the boy yelling sixth graders again (second time in as many shorts) as the drum rumbles and everyone shows their true colors and reverts back to new kid all over again. Yeah; let's kill Gus' dignity and act like the cowards that you are. King Bob arrives; who I still like because at least we know why the kids are such cowards. He has no foil; so he comes off as a babyface by proxy.

Gus tries to have backup; but the kids blow him off with Gruffi poses. WHAT THE HELL?! So now they blow him off after all this?! What a bunch of jerks?! And Gus is PISSED now; and I DON'T BLAME HIM. The logical thing to do is for Gus to leave and never come back because this school clearly hates him and any new kids. However; Gus stands his ground because he has dignity as T.J. blows him off and dares him to tell it to him. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT FROM THE START?! So Gus gulps and walks towards Bob as the kids secretly whisper chant Gus which is a neat spot; but the damage has been done with these characters and they can go screw themselves for all I care now. So Bob is stopped on a dime and he's not liking this as Gus P. Griswald refuses to move as King Bob blows him off as the new kid. Gus won't budge and goes into his FCC approved speech which is awesome to watch; but it doesn't mean much anymore because everyone else looks like jerks in spite of the fact that Gus mentions THE ONE GIMMICK BAND who gave him some friendship; but acted like jerks and cowards when King Bob arrived. If I were writing here; I would have the gang not act so jerky with T.J. saying "We believe you Gus; now show that belief to HIM" pointing at Bob. That would have made Gus' speech mean something. Sadly; it doesn't. King Bob doesn't seem amused and asks what is Gus' point? Gus stammers and asks for his name back and King Bob just gives it back cart blanche. WHAT?! Now if I was writing; I would have Principal...Ah forget it! The show is 15 years too late to be saved and no one cares anymore. Bashing Gravity Falls is cooler they say. Yeah; sure it is. At least Gravity Falls has likable characters. King Bob still demands for him to get out of the way and Gus is milking it just to be Morris. Whatever; I just want this episode to end. Gus gets the football victory spot as the fourth graders; who acted like jerks almost the entire time are now kissing Gus' ass and leading the cheers. Morris is angry now because he had to be new kid for three years while Gus did it in 72 hours or so. Bob basically tells him that he should have just asked and he leaves with his train. Okay; that was a proper ending at least. Morris looks confused and that mercifully ends the episode at 10:30. Thank GOD that is over. Oh wait; there's still three more shorts and the two OAV's. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! Okay; I'm done. Episode was better due to Gus' involvement and a decent ending; but everything else is vile, crappy and makes Miss Finster look like she needs to be arrested for littering as Chris Barat once told me about Ma Beagle. Call it a DUD (0%). The two worst debut episodes so far in DTVA history.


THE REVIEW LINE

Look; normally I would do a review line; but it can be summed up like this: WORST DEBUT TO DATE~! I could go over all the details; but I'm tired, I'm sore and I need sleep after nearly 12 hours of writing this BS of a show. Let me just say that if I was an exec, I would cancel Recess and focus on Pepper Ann being less self-centered because Pepper Ann is pretty cool at that time and at least Sue Rose was trying to make Pepper Ann as the lead character of this show; so I cannot fault them for that and her episodes aren't nearly as anger inducing as this show. The worst thing about this is that it's far from over. I still have three more episodes from the "All Grown Down" DVD and then I have the main OAV's left to do which are at least an hour long. At least the main programs are much farther in the season and are better than these extra episodes; but this went on for six years and it got so tiresome that Disney should be ashamed of themselves. So tomorrow; I got three shorts to do including T.J. saying Whomp. How can it be bad? You'll find out as Principal Prickley finally makes his debut. Oh goody; another brutal authority figure; that'll make me cheer on the babyfaces. NOT! So....

Thumbs way down in hell for both episodes and I'll see you all next time.

 

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