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Raw Toonage: Scrooge McDuck Guest Host Rant
Reviewed: 05/31/2014
Disney Cannot Do Caveman Comedy Either!
Well; now that Ducktales is completed; it's time for the Ducktales contributation to Raw Toonage as Scrooge McDuck demonstrates the new security system he created recently. Now the Don Karnage one was great because it had a really great finish even if it buried Don Karnage for good. However; Scrooge is not so much a good comedy character; so this might be trouble because we have Bonkers in space; and a Magnum P.I./Flintstones parody crossover, with this ending with Marsupilami trying to find a treasure which Norman gets involved. Oh; and this is for rant purposes; the debut of Maurice as well. Yeah; this is going to be a trainwreck. So how does Scrooge fare? Let's rant on shall we...?! .
This episode was written by: Laraine Arkow, Shari Goodhartz, Ralph Sanchez, Gary Sperling and Robert Schecter. Ralph's resume starts with Star Trek: The Next Generation in 1988, then Dink The Little Dinosaur in 1989 and then the Piggsburg Pigs in 1990 along with The Chipmunks Go To The Movies. Raw Toonage is his DTVA debut. Other credits: Petal To The Metal, Wing Commander Academy, When Love Leaves A Papercut, Peanuts Motion Comics, Batman Black & White, Behind Every Great Man and Bite Me. That's about it. Animation is done by Wang Films. The story editors are the same as before: Tom Minton, Kevin Crosby Hopps and Ralph Sanchez.
Scrooge McDuck Guest Host Segment #1: We begin this one inside Scrooge's office AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as Scrooge sneaks in his office with a flashlight. He tries to open the vault; but the lights go on and the sirens wail. Then they stop for no reason whatsoever as Scrooge addresses the fans. He calls it the Wish House 2000 Security Alarm System which he calls it the best security system known to man. Sadly; it's not known to anthro ducks so Scrooge is screwed in my opinion. Scrooge is not completely convinced that it can win in the Scrooge McDuck seal of approval test; so the floor opens to reveal a structure containing a big ass blue boot and it kicks Scrooge right in the ass and Scrooge takes a wussy bump off-screen against a door. Weak sauce guys; weak sauce. Scrooge crumbles on his back at the door. Scrooge calls it not a bad start and that ends the first segment. Not a good start for this segment in general and we hit the opening sequence. So we return to Scrooge's office with a closeup shot of the security system lock with beeping lights as Scrooge checks the printer printouts on the system specs. He calls all this impressive thus far. Sadly; the printer paper looks as cheesy as the animation in this sequence. So Scrooge reads that he should press the buttons for the access code and then show his face with the eye sensor. So Scrooge does exactly that as Scrooge ID's himself and has a deposit which is a penny because he's so cheap and he must be firm with these things. Sadly; the alarm system goes off when he tries to push on the handle of the vault. Scrooge turns around to get the printer paper and the small step ladder moves away to allow a structure to pop up which is a orange cheese punching glove. Scrooge gets MURDERED by said glove and takes a better bump off-screen into the wall and cracks it. Sadly; the effect of us feeling Scrooge's pain is gone since they didn't shake the screen to make it effective. Weak sauce again guys. Scrooge claims that he should drop the master part and drops on his belly to end the second segment at 2:17.
He's Bonkers - Bonkers In Space: The title card shows a white background with black stars. This just gets cheaper and cheaper by the second. So we begin in space with a lousy narrator monologing me to death. Then we pan over to crappy colored planets, badly drawn stars and Bonkers and Jitters in spacesuits which looks like they are gasping as the narrator (It's clearly Jeff Bennett because it's the same type of voice we would see in Dave The Barbarian later on) proclaims that no one can hear them scream; and so that would make for a boring cartoon and so the two goofs scream for real. Huh. So the narrator cuts them off and we start with a scene changer to a shot of an eggbeater...in space. Oh; and the green space ship flies in and apparently; the eggbeater is a space station. Yeah; that is so not silly at all. So there is a clown shaped intercom (speaking of so not silly..) as we see Fawn Dear in a spacesuit which has the pink bow on top of the helmet (Geez; what great evidence to prove everyone wrong on Webby being a gimmick tagalong when Fawn Deer is the personification of tagalong gimmick. So her cheese spaceship is grabbed by suction cups after Fawn puts in a plastic card and we see a green three eyed alien riding a scooter like saucer. So we see the orange spacespace in the oversized washing machine as Fawn is doing her makeup and powder routine while the water rises up; and he's doing this despite wearing a helmet which prevents her from powdering her face. So then we get a door opening and in comes a giant anthro soap bubble scrubble something who wears a blue baseball cap sideways. He bounces onto the space ship and scrubs the spaceship; and then leaves. Then a laser gun comes down and zaps the spaceship which gives it a new shine that sparkles. The spaceship is taken away stage left as we cut to the control room as we see Jitters on one of the monitors screwing up stuff while Grumbles is sitting down at the control room pushing buttons. And people wonder why I don't hate TUFF Puppy as much as critics say I should be hating? So Grumbles is shocked and appalled because one of the monitors shows Bonkers sleeping on the job?
So Grumbles screams at Bonkers to wake up and get back to work on the yellow monitor; which Bonkers wakes up on cue. Jitters bonks into Bonkers and spills blankets. Bonkers takes one and wraps it around the poorly placed video camera to block out the images. Grumbles asks what is going on and Bonkers tells him that he'll have it fixed...maybe. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! So Bonkers gets to the green panel as the orange spaceship comes in for a landing; which prompts Bonkers to bring out a real turtle with a space helmet because it's time for a turtle wax. Yeah; I'm tired of the TMNT cracks which serve no purpose, other than to show that Disney has no idea how to create actual heat for their babyfaces. Jitters gets a spray bottle whacked on his helmet; but he oversells it as if it hit him directly in the face. Bonkers checks the paper as he floats over to the customer; and of course it's Fawn Deer piloting; which means it's time for Bonkers to act like a hopeless zombie to her good looks. Eyes become hearts this time which at least he shows some restraint this time. Bonkers neck grows about a foot long and I cannot wait for the Four Horsemen/Bonkers D Bobcat feud to draw at least one half red cent. Fawn floats out and Bonkers follows her like a Nintendo fanboy; as Jitters hops into the cockpit of the spaceship. He tries to spray something; but the bottle screws him over and he gets water fluid sprayed on his helmet. And apparently; this fluid is so opaque that he cannot see and pushes something to open the roof of the spaceship, and his airhose get caught in the lever (JESUS~!) that when he floats over the roof; the roof starts to close. Jitters calls for Bonkers; but Bonkers blows him off because....he's hopelessly in love with Fawn Deer. So the roof closes as Fawn Deer is checking out smelling tree hangers. Jitter almost sezs "Oh my god" as the airhose gets snipped and he float right out of space and...what? So the spaceship can remotely open the roof of the space station? That makes no sense!
Jitters screams for help as Bonkers and Fawn notice him floating away. Grumbles gets on the monitor despite the fact that the cameras were blocked with a white blanket and he yells at Bonkers to pull Grumbles to safety. Yes; apparently, he cares about Jitters enough to want Bonkers to save him even though he's an angry old male bear. Lovely. And he hits on Fawn Deer; although he shows much more restraint than Bonkers does, before yelling at Bonkers again. So Bonker begs for mercy on Jitters and offers a discount on the next carwash if he can use Fawn Deer's spaceship. Nice way to make Fawn Deer look like a prop there Bonkers. If Fawn Deer wasn't an adult; she would be the same type of prop as Suzy McAdler, only more bubbly. So they get into the spaceship as Bonker tells her to trust him...with Mr. Deer's spaceship. That is not a good sign for her; but Fawn Deer is so dense that she has to go along with it. Bonkers drives it background (complete with stretch spot) and they crash into the wall faster than Fanboy crashed the Frosty Bus. Fawn asks if Bonkers has driven before and Bonkers smashes the stick into his helmet and proclaims that he has never piloted a spaceship. So the spaceship finally rockets out and flies around the space station for a bit; and then we cut to outside in space as Jitters is scared to death and somehow not dead from a lack of air. So we see the spaceship stop at a barrier crossing in the middle of space! This makes no sense at all and there is no way you can make it make sense in space. So Bonkers gives out a $300 bill; which the thing was supposed to suck up; but the spot is completely blown. Again; each segment cost Disney $50,000. No wonder Disney looked bush-league in 1992-1994: They had WCW disease! Anyhow; the barrier goes up and the computer voice informs Bonkers that there is an 80% chance of meteor showers; so you wear a raincoat. Okay; that is fine as they rocket into the meteor shower, prompting Bonkers to say that if they get hit, they get a raincheck! Har har har.
Bonkers manages to drive through a meteor shower (mind you; this is his first piloting job), and Fawn acts like an airhead pointing out that they are going to crash into the Big Dipper which are a bunch of stars with lines shaped like a ladle. So the spaceship rams through the bowl portion of it and out leaks a milk waterfall complete with dairy products. Seriously. They bounce off cheese as this is the Milky Way. HAR HAR HAR! So the spaceship somehow bounces back to space safely as Bonkers is holding onto Fawn's legs like a coward as Fawn calls him brave anyway. Bonkers recoils and sits back into the pilot seat as the radio device picks up Jitters saying "I hate my life" at the six and a half minute mark of this episode. So Bonkers plops down and gets bounced off the chair and bounces about a half dozen times inside the cockpit before smashing into the back of the chair. What was the point of that? And furthermore...We accuse today's cartoons of this randomized BS?! So Bonkers takes over and we scene change as the spaceship has about a dozen different ways to scout out Jitters as we someone calling for Dave as there is a flatscreen television set (in 1992!) floating in space as Bonkers is referencing the wrong movie, as usual. Then Fawn points to something and Bonkers thinks she's pointing at an asteroid shaped like Pluto the dog. At least it's not stock footage like in Quack Pack as we pan over to a lot of sunlight rays as we see a shadows of Jitters floating which is what Fawn is pointing to. So Bonkers turns around to the rescue and we get a gaping logic break as Jitters is now floating in empty space for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Bonkers takes over as Jitters sees a lot of debris and international objects flying past him as he turns around and panics because there is a drug inducing rainbow black hole sucking up stuff like a vacuum cleaner. Now this episode really sucks. HAHA!
Ron Sparks: It sucks more than Shaun Desmond.
So Fawn Deer has a Krackpotkin Plan. Yes; the biggest prop in the show has a plan. And here's what the plan is: Scene change to Bonkers outside with the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE as Bonkers doesn't think this is a good idea; but Fawn continues to insist. Bonkers uses the lasso and it snags Jitter's ankle. Fawn Deer tells him to be careful...HAR HAR HAR... and Bonkers proclaims that he hasn't lost a Jitters yet. That hardly raises my confidence of you as a babyface Bonkers. So a out of nowhere fridge smacks Jitters in to the face; and that causes Fawn and Bonkers to get pulled in and they land on the fridge with Jitters. Bonkers proclaims that he is here to rescue him... HAR HAR HAR... but Jitters yells that it is too late and they get sucked into the drug inducing rainbow blackhole of death. It just occured to me that they are basically mixing the Muppet Movie with the Wizard Of Oz because there is a rainbow black hole and there is a furry riding a bicycle in space; like the man driving the bicycle in the Wizard Of Oz 1939 edition. It appears to be a light brown lizard; probably the same one from the last rant. We see Dorothy's house and then we get a scene as they go through the hole; that reminds me: Did Noah Z. Jones watch this episode before doing the ending to "Two Clams In Love"? Better question: Why did he believe that it was a good idea? This episode is actually WORSE than that Fish Hook's ending if you can believe it since it doesn't have a breakdancing hamster fish like Milo. We get more weird crap which reminds me: ...and we accuse modern cartoons of this bright colors BS?! This all ends with the babyfaces landing inside some big ass bag filled with dust and dirt which indicates that the drug inducing rainbow black hole of doom is just a spaceship shaped like a vacuum cleaner. Whatever guys. Hilarious logic break: everyone sneezes despite wearing helmets. So Fawn uses a remote control shaped flashlight to look around and Bonkers deduces that they are in a base vacuum cleaner; which I already knew about a minute before we have Bonkers finding a big ass safety pin and uses it to cut through the blue bag and zooming out to show a vacuum cleaner complete with horns ahonking. And we accuse modern cartoons of this stock sound every second BS?! Okay; I'm done ranting on the old farts, let's go to the babyfaces jumping out and landing into the spaceship which is attached to the front of the head of the vacuum cleaner. The roof closes and the ship backs up and flies away. Bonkers proclaims that there is nothing to be afraid off; and we end this episode with Grumbles showing up on a moon yelling at Bonkers while the ship flies away, at 9:05. All the banes of modern cartoons were on display; which leads me to believe that if this show was ever reinstated again, it would somehow get over with the kids so much that it goes about twice as long as Phineas & Ferb. This was just boring, dull and heatless and just a few more funnier jokes than Sheerluck Bonkers. * (20%).
Scrooge McDuck Guest Host Segment #2: So we return to the office as Scrooge enters like Bugs Bunny (and his voice actor is probably older than Mel Blanc at this point) OUT OF CONTROL! Yes; he's wearing the cat burglar outfit. He brings out the plunger and a picture of an empty hallway with a sexy black/white checkered board floor as he uses the bow to slingshot the plunger arrow onto the vault door and it shows the picture over the sensor eye. Problem is when the sensor sees the picture; the floor is normal. BAH! Bad logic begone from my television screen. So Scrooge practices the fine art of not being seen as he shows off his belt with 400 pieces of wrenches. HA! Sadly; he tries to un-nut a bolt and the plunger plops from the vault door and Scrooge is exposed. Scrooge grabs the plunger right in front of the sensor eye; alarm goes off; Scrooge is (insert swear word here) as the pictures open their doors to reveal two machine arms with green paddles. Scrooge gets Table Tennis-ed as a result. HAHA! That's the first good spot in this whole thing which is bad considering that Don Karnage got his laughs in the first segment he appeared. Scrooge gets whacked into the wall to another wussy bump despite cracking the wall again with a snow angel spot. Scrooge proclaims that he should get stunt pay for this before dropping to end segment #3 at 10:03. At least the head bump connected this time. As for stunt pay; Kit Cloudkicker tried that and that apparently was the last straw for Michael Eisner; so I wouldn't be asking for such things from someone who is cheaper than you Scroogie. I'm just saying.
Totally Tasteless Video - Cro-Magnum P.I. : Yeap; this is the infamous "We're not combining Magnum P.I. with the Flintstones, honest!" segment in which I said that if Ted Turner had any sense whatsoever, he would sue the crap out of Disney; and Hanna Barbara might have lasted longer. Not much longer mind you; but still. I mean come on guys! All the characters look like rejects from The Flintstones for crying out loud. Sure; we make fun of Baloo for being Fred Flintstone half of the time; but at least Baloo rose above it and became an extremely likable character. The problem was: everyone else in the main character cast of TaleSpin was far more likable than he was. And who did Micheal Eisner care about: The least, second least and halfway most likable characters in the series. They don't even hide the fact that the segment takes place in Bedrock, California as said in the monologue. So we head into the office of Cro-Magnum P.I. at his desk reading a newspaper and roasting a dodo bird over an open flame in his desk. The desk is wooden by the way; which is a really sloppy logic break there as he wrapped up another case; when suddenly the door opens (which has a glass pane with an eye on it) and in comes a Willma clone only with brown hair and a face that is an attempt to make sure no copyright infringement was done; so much so that they didn't bother to draw her feet to look more believable; but does make up somewhat by having flames jump up behind her. The cognitive dissonance of Cro is breathtaking. So much so that he acts like Michael Pachter in that he claims to want to get rid of her; and then basically gives her the star treatment to stay because he's a sexist twit. We get a 21 day money back promo which is not catching; along with a large amount of stone pages which is really a notebook which she manages to lift and place on the table with a thud. She cries because apparently; her late husband who is Primate Percy who was a clothing designer, but people only wore one style of clothing, so he invented something else.
And apparently; the running gag is that every man in this segment has Michael Pachter syndrome because the invention is a club; but he calls it the wheel. Also; for the second time in as many rants; we get a Kirby's Epic Yarn close up of Cro as he claims that he was bad with names. I swear that Michael Pachter watched this in 1992 and thought it was a documentary. So the woman brings out her wallet and opens it to give B&W pictures of her with Percy's main rival Rock Duelup which the pictures are made of thin paper. Bad, bad logic break there guys! We see a B&W photo of Percy and Rock destroying a stone contract; so pictures are paper and contracts are rock. Ooookkkaaayyyy. We then see a picture of the blueprints for the club disappearing from the photo and Cro's job is to get the blueprints back and prove Rock was the thief. Cro asks about the fee; so the Wilma reject stands up and kisses Cro on the lip; and he looks at her, runs over to the table; acts like he has never gotten laid in his life; and then runs back and acts as if nothing had happened. Why must every funny joke involve a man acting like a sexist twit? I do know the answer; but come ON! So we scene change to a stone factory and it looks like a Flintstones factory. I wonder how the rumors of the lawsuit on Marsupilami started? Because I'm certain that this segment alone was actionable enough for Hanna Barbara to take a swipe at one. So we enter the factory and Cro is undercover wearing just a hat. Yes; these guys are so stupid that they don't notice Cro at all. So we see the man at work as we get an actual toilet humor joke with the caveman scratching his armpit and it smells awful. So Cro continues to monologue and we see the end results of refining has lead Rock to invent what is the wheel. The problem is that this idiot is also got Pachter syndrome in that he calls it "Fire". Yes folks; we have stumbled upon a pioneer. The pioneer of random humor!
So Cro gets grabbed by a human wearing a white skinned fur suit with a white fur hat with stars on it. Cro blows him off and that demonizing angers the guard as he calls for security and sezs it in English! So he walks Cro to the stairs and Cro blows him off for running a third rate factory without an elevator. Cro thinks he is taking him to his leader; but the guard goes to the elevator shaft and drops Cro into the abyss below as Cro proclaims that someone should invent the elevator...even though the elevator shaft has been invented more or less! So Cro takes a wussy bump off-screen (as usual) and we scene change to inside some museum of caveman statues with clubs and lots of arrows. Apparently; Cro has a large set of blueprints; so I assume that he found them, but he cannot prove that it was Rock who stole them from Percy. So Cro walks around and then hides as we see a door open out of nowhere; and out comes a rock which rolls away stage right. Cro then claims that this has to be Rock's office. So we head inside the office which is darken with cartoonish lighting. So Cro is looking at pictures of inventions including a bowling ball and a gravel; indicating that he is a retired judge. No wonder he got away with this theft! Anyway; the lamp is turned on shining on the desk as we see that Rock is here with his club; as Rock claims that the inventions on the wall were also stolen as Rock is about to MURDER Cro with the club; but Cro brings out a peashooter like pistol and it shoots a rock right through the club from the top to the bottom of the handle. Okay; that was pretty cool; but this is supposed to be...say it with me...totally tasteless. So Rock goes to his telephone and calls for the patent office...IN ENGLISH! So the door opens and two caveman clones of Cro run in and arrest Rock without so much as a build or tension. Now; he is not being charged with the theft of Percy's invention, no. He is being arrested for: Saying a complete sentence in perfect English; while being in a specialty role. Yes folks; that is your finish to this segment!
So the caveman speaks gibberish again for no reason (so the white guard isn't going to be arrested for saying security in English?); as he asks what he calls his pistol; his piece if you will. And Cro pauses as he puts the gun back and states that it's called....wait for it...water. Oh lord; Cro also has Michael Pacther syndrome. So we end with pictures of Rock holding wheels and becoming a used wheel salesman; thus completely ignoring the continuity that they were shooting for here. Incredible! So we see Cro sitting in his chair with his trophy wife who is the one who gave him the pictures in the first place; because they married. We see a lot of baby kids crying on the floor and playing as we cut to a caveman typing on the typewriter; as the monologue gives out one more giant middle finger to the audience because this segment was written because the writer was paid to do so. That is so bush-league Disney that it's no wonder Warner Brothers was kicking their ass six ways from Sunday. Hell; even me as a fanfic writer could write a much better story than this and I suck at fanfic writing. And I stand by that claim! That mercifully ends the segment at 14:38 and this segment was absolutely hideous! Outside of the finish -- which I did laugh at previously and it's still pretty funny here -- this was so contemptable of a parody that it was in such dumb taste that I could not believe the twists of logic it took to pull this off. Aladdin and Gargoyles did not come fast enough for audiences after this crap! - 1/2 * (-10%); and that is being generous. This segment was HORRIBLE! It was so horrible that every modern cartoon in history looks good now.
Scrooge McDuck Guest Host Segment #3: So we go back to the office as Scrooge crashes through the doors and now it's time to unleash the Big Bertha Tank of Death on that security system. We discover that Scrooge lives next to an army surplus store. Why doesn't that surprise me? So Scrooge threatens violence on the door and the vault door just...opens?! I wouldn't trust this moment Scroogie. Scrooge swears in DUBBED SCOTTISH STYLE as he walks to the door and then a pink laser fires out of the vault. Or so I thought watching it until we discover that the tank fired the laser and the cannon points down at Scroogie. That's a BS&P decision if I ever saw one. Scrooge gets shot at of course and his army hat and only a small amount of damage was done. I shake my head in shame as Scrooge pretty much lies to end segment #4 at 15:16. This is not very good at all.
Marsupilami - The Treasure of Sierra Marsdre: Please Marsupilami; I beg of you! SAVE ME FROM THE CRAP! Sadly; we begin with the gorilla eating coconuts in front of a tree. Then we pan up to Marsupilami using his tail as a maginfying glass on a scroll of paper; and then he squeals with glee and uses his tail to come down. He tries to show the gorilla who we find out is Maurice which would have been cute if Maurice LaMarche was voicing him; but it's Jim Cummings again. Maurice dozes off and doesn't give a crap; making him the smartest character in this entire episode! Mars knocks on skull and then shows the map again and as he is showing this to Maurice; Norman is behind the bushes watching on wearing a lot of cyan blue gear and a green hat as he rubs his hands with glee and wants to render Marsupilami going home crying like a big bad sucky baby. Somehow; I'm already at that stage Norman. So we fade to black (We already had at least four of these in the show; so what is Eisner's excuse this time?) and return with a sky shot of the jungle as Norman has set up about a dozen bear traps and all of them looked so BS&P'ed that I doubt they could even spring onto a bear who is so moronic that he springs the trap in sadistic pleasure. Seriously; none of the traps have teeth on them! Needless to say; Mars sneaks up from behind; chants OOBA and the trap snags onto Norman's nose which is bigger than Triple H's nose. The nose turns red and pulses; but no blood is present. Norman's selling of pain is not good as he walks into more trap and they somehow snag his entire body as he is dumped on his ass off-screen with a decent bump. So Mars comes over and pulls the traps from his face asking if it hurt; somehow sounding more sarcastic than Norman was in The Puck Stops Here and he is supposed to be the #1 babyface here. Mars proclaims that the number one rule in the jungle is to watch your step; most so when elephants are involved. Whatever.
So he opens the map and asks the heel if he wants to join in on the treasure hunt. Norman looks at the map and then gets the cash register ding; and the animators are fear too cheap to even animate dollar signs from his eyes. Norman bails and then returns with camping supplies and a box of red TNT sticks. Geez; I wonder if that will be involved in the finish? Scene changer of doom and we walk in the jungle as Maurice has join in the fun. Norman is carrying more than his body weight in gear and no one cares if he does. Mars bounces on his tail and lands on a dead log as he reads the map again. Norman groans; but follows Mars stage left leading to a sky shot of the tall grass of doom as we see the babyfaces plus Tiny Toons heel wandering in the tall grass for no rhyme nor reason. Then we climb a cliff and Mars gets up with ease; but Norman barely gets up over. And despite being bigger than Norman; Maurice has no trouble getting to the top because he still keeps on walking for no reason. Norman whines about the location as Mars reads the map claiming that they are extremely close or extremely lost. I say both; albeit the later is in a different context. Then Mars proclaims that the treasure is across the unstable rope bridge of death! Which the biggest character (Maurice) is already crossing! We get dramatic music... in a goofy comedy sequence! No wonder this show never got over. Mars bounces onto the birdge as Norman of course has to look down to the abyss below and whine. So Maurice makes it to the other side; but there is a conveniently placed coconut tree which he proceeds to bounce up and down to get the coconuts. So the bridge bounces and sways from side to side causing Marsupilami to drop the map into the abyss below. Norman whines and then freefalls off the bridge; causing Mars to use the tail to snag Norman and turn him into a makeshift yo-yo. HAHA! Mars manages to get him on the bridge; and then tells him not to worry because he has a lot of map which he drew up this morning himself; and he never took a lesson.
Norman then accuses Mars of making up the entire story of a treasure and Mars admits that he made it all up because he loves make believe. Yes; he made Norman look like a total moron with that move and now Norman is PISSED. So Mars backs up and runs away across the bridge; but gets caught by Norman. Yes; Mars has to pretend that he is slower than Norman. Might as well call Norman Earl Henber now. They collide; we get the bowling ball spot as Maurice is in the middle of the path eating coconuts; and generally not giving a crap about anybody. Geez Norman; that should have tipped you off that Mars was making the whole thing up. So they collide into Norman and they crash into a sealed cave with some decent on-screen bumps. Maurice walks off while Mars wants to do it again; only he's not as cool as Molly Cunningham. Norman gets up and then invokes Plan B; screaming that it's not fair. Join the hating of life Norman! I'm sure Jitters would love to have you as company. Not. So Norman gets up and starts pounding on the rock and it shakes. Norman backs up and the rock slides to open the cave to reveal gold coins. Now; here's a logic break: In the near shots; the gold is almost like bars and close to the cave. Then on the next shot; it is in the background; it's turned into regular gold coin, and there is a conveniently placed wooden cart to carry it all in. Don't ask; these writers don't care anymore. And despite clearly not fitting the cart; Norman still somehow manages to get it all in the cart. So Norman has to dig about four feet into the solid ground in order to push the cart; and somehow he manages to get the cart outside the cave without spilling a single gold coin. The logic breaks keep mounting here. So Mars and Maurice notice the kart and are giddy as Norman calls this all tax-free income and lies to Mars that there's more in the cave. Mars runs into the cave as Norman tells Maurice that there are coconuts in there too and Maurice sells like a total idiot as he follows Mars into the cave. Norman mocks them because he lied...and he's a heel so it's perfectly all right.
So Norman pushes the cart up the hill and makes it to the bridge when Mars and Maurice come back and Mars sounds like he doesn't care that he was lied too because he sounds happier than Phineas Flynn-Fletcher. Again; and critic accuse Phineas of this BS? Normal sarcastically apologizes and then pushes the cart onto the bridge. So here's what happens next: The cart rolls down from side to side until it is at the exact middle of the bridge and Norman cannot control it at all. Norman is on top of the gold pile on said cart and scared to death. Mars is sitting on a coconut pile in front of Maurice asking if he should help Norman the ratfink; and then he decides to. Mars actually teases untying the rope bridge; (like a heel) but Maurice gets the coconuts; which causes Mars to blow him off harshly for. Okay; so I made myself look...no I didn't. Not yet anyway. So the coconuts roll around; and they get under their feet. They roll onto the bridge and collide into Norman and the gold cart. The bridge slingshots them into the air (and somehow doesn't break which is really bad logic) as Norman grabs the gold coins and then freefalls back down. Mars and Maurice go up and down as they crash onto the bridge as it really goes down and flings them into the air again as a number of boards get dislodged in the process. The cart lands onto the ground and fills up with the gold coins. Norman lands about ten feet away from the cart; and instead of rolling to the cart; he looks up and the boards (which went from a few to a few dozen) come down on him and create a wooden prison. With nothing to attach the wood; but it is still enough to make Norman completely hapless. What a stupid logic break this was?! And all during the finish! Mars comes down using his tail as a parachute; which cannot be possible. Mars then tries to get the cart away stage left; but it cannot move. Mars tries and tries; but nothing happens. Then he looks up and blows off Maurice as Maurice is on top of the cart eating coconuts. Now this is absurd because Mars is only 1/4 the size of Norman; so he wouldn't have been able to push the cart anyway since even Norman had problems with that. And Maurice is on top and there is no way that cart can handle Maurice since it barely handle the gold. Maurice eats coconuts; he burps; he eats some more which we circle fade out to end the segment at 22:02. The episode itself was all right; but the logic breaks dragged it way down, plus a really stupid finish. Not one of the better Marsupilami episodes. ** 1/2 (50%).
Scrooge McDuck Guest Host Segment #4: So now we return to the office one more time as Scrooge has had enough and is behind the sand bunker firing a flamethrower and blitzes in; but the security system fires laser back at Scrooge. So; I'm guessing that the system controls tanks as if they can be brainwashed. Scrooge dodges and loses the flamethrower as the vault door opens and a huge purple laser fires. So Scrooge invokes the POCKET MIRROR OF VANITY and the beam deflects back into the vault and destroys something as something behind the vault bursts into flames. The MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH goes flying as Scrooge cheers for victory as he takes off the army helmet and walks into the vault as he struck oil below the vault. That makes NO SENSE AT ALL; after all these years. Scrooge climbs down the ladder and runs around the oil gusher as he wraps up this segment as he wants to buy the Wish A House Security System 3000 now. Whatever makes you happy Scroogie. He bails and returns with a piggy bank with a security key on it proclaiming that it works for him. He slaps the piggy bank; it shakes and beeps. Scrooge panics and bails stage right as the piggy banks shakes around on the gold coin floor and that ends the episode at 23:01. This was very disappointing compared to the Don Karnage segments; but it was good enough for what it was. Sadly; it wasn't all that funny and BS&P's fingers were way too much into the pie in this one. Call the Scrooge segments rating as ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; this was not a good one and could not be saved by Scrooge hosting, nor Marsupilami could make me laugh much. The Scrooge host segments were disappointing as the bumps were completely wussy and most of it it was just there. I couldn't get into it because Scrooge is not a comedy babyface; nor will he ever be. That was the one advantage Don Karnage had in that he could bring the comedy when needed and this show was perfect for him. Sadly; Don Karnage remains the only really likable character in the show. The Treasure Of Sierra Marsdre was perfectly acceptable until the logic break started mounting and Mars being a cocky little prick at Norman's expense. Plus; I found the finish to be stupid as well. Bonkers In Space was boring and heatless in spite of the drug inducing rainbow black hole spot; and while it was funnier than Sheerluck Bonkers, it isn't saying much at all. However; Bonkers was still better than the Cro-Magnum P.I. segment which I mentioned before was absolutely horrendous. I have seen some awful DTVA segments before; but the attempt to combine Flinstones with Magnum P.I. was hideous and required convoluted twists of logic to make it even look like something that isn't a complete clone of the Flinstones; and they failed badly. The finish to this was really funny though; with the guy getting arrested for saying english in a gibberish role; but the continuity for everything that they were shooting for was completely broken. It looked completely half assed; and in the end they end it with a writer on a typewriter admitting that this was only done for a paycheck; which goes over the heads of the target audience and it pissed off everyone else. It was not funny; and it wasn't even offensive; so why bother? I mean, the only thing close to offensive is Cro's stealing of Bonker's gimmick; which wasn't amusing when Bonkers did it and was made worse with Cro. Overall; this was not good as the two decent shorts barely made it past average; one of them was merely bad and the other one was hideous.
This is why kids today laugh at us for acting like angry old farts because we completely ignore all of the bullcrap we had to sit through in the 1990's. Like this show. And to make matters worse; the writers don't care here. I mean; in the 1980's; you can blame the writing on just having their spirit broken due to the insane BS&P standards and the bad writing of the 1970's can be blamed on resources. There is absolutely no excuse for this in the 1990's. This was clear apathy because the execs and the higher ups have zero idea what they are doing; and everyone looks like an idiot. I cannot blame anyone for thinking Warner Brothers was kicking their ass. And to think; when TaleSpin and Tiny Toons ended their runs; TaleSpin was considered the better show many years later when it meant nothing despite being treated as filler and being bashed by critics as a disgrace to the Jungle Book. I think some of those who refused to work on the show regret it because: TaleSpin was a great show and the rest of the shows afterwards were a lot worse than TaleSpin could ever be. TaleSpin did an awesome job at parody (intentional or not is irrelevent now) and Magon claims that they weren't doing that; while Totally Tasteless Videos is suppose to parody pop culture; and it is blowing like no other segment I have seen in DTVA. No wonder this show didn't get past 12 episodes (I'm bettting the 13th episode was suppose to be the payoff and justification for Webby being in the opening; but we'll never know because Eisner sucks). Thankfully; the next episode I'm fully ranting on is the Launchpad host segment which should be better (albeit short), and there is no Totally Tasteless Video segments; and two Marsupilami segments. So it cannot get any worse than this. Can't it? So....
Thumbs in the middle for the Scrooge Host Segments & The Treasure of Sierra Marsdre; while thumbs down for Bonkers In Space and Cro-Magnum P.I. I'll see you all next time.