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Raw Toonage: Ludwig Von Drake Hosting Rant
Reviewed: 12/10/2016
Cartoon Physics My Duckass!
Yippie; someone actually uploaded all of the pilot episode to Raw Toonage and thus I can get at least one full episode done (with still about half of the series left to finish up; since those episodes either are complete but the host segments are missing; or in the case of two episodes; they are also missing the "He's Bonkers" segments since there are no English versions of them available yet). So Ludwig Von Drake is hosting this segment which deals with the science of cartoon physics. Can you guess the big issue with this before I start this rant? Then we have the first He's Bonkers segment as Bonkers is trying to woo Fawn Deer into marrying her by finding her a spatula. The remaining two episodes are from episodes I have already ranted on my Live Journal: One involves a Totally Tasteless video segment with a dog doctor and the other one is Marsupilami and Maurice switching bodies. Yeah; I do take this as a bad sign for this show in general. But you already knew that. So, let's rant on shall we...?
The segments were written by Lariane Arkow, Gary Sperling and Alan Katz. The story editors are Ralph Sanchez and Tom Minton. I'm guessing Wang Films animated this.
Ludwig Von Drake Host Segment: So we begin in a giant warehouse with a giant machine that takes up at least half of the entire room. Cut to an iron pipe as Ludwig Von Drake flies out of the pipe like he is trying to audition in the Ducktales version of Super Mario Brothers. Damn; I might jinx the Ducktales 2017 writers right there with that promo. Ludwig bails and returns with a giant ass (Why not? He was in Quack Pack anyway.) piece of red sheet stone and stuffs it into the iron pipe. I discover that the red sheet stone is in fact a giant ass piece of block chocolate as Ludwig's invention is a giant ass hot chocolate machine. Sometimes; as much of a smugass Louie is, he is sometimes correct about Ludwig's IQ. Ludwig produces a purple alarm clock and then throws it away as he pushes a red button on a console as the pointers on the console, point. The chocolate melts in the iron pipe as we get a lot of rumbling. Then we hear a telephone ringing as Ludwig brings out the red cell phone of doom as the machine continues to operate as Ludwig holds a cracked mug. Geez; let's really hammer the point home that Ludwig is a crackpot, why don't we? However; we discover that Ludwig Von Drake is going to be forced to explain to us...wait for it...wait for it...cartoon physics! Yes folks; explaining the art of "squash and stretch"; and explaining it nearly twenty years before Infantable Teen Titans Go Fish did it. Because you see; we need to do this because we cannot compete with live action on story, likable characters and fun. We have to see them do stuff that would kill anyone in this world. You know what; I think ITTGF did a better job in this than Ludwig would because Ludwig is no master of cartoon physics. He should be calling Drake Mallard right now, that's more within his line of expertise. BLAM! HEE HEE! Missed again, Drake. YOU ARE NOT....POW! OUCH! Ummmm...Ludwig ponders it over (because he gets to host the show, and effectively bury it because no one is topping Ludwig himself. Except maybe Marsupilami and that's squashing and stretching the point, if you catch my drift. Anyhow; the train whistle whistles and Ludwig no sells the deal as he gets sprayed in the face with hot chocolate.
He gets covered as he licks his chops and recoils, as he wants to do this segment. Ludwig is supposed to be a scientist who studies reality. Why they didn't make this segment for Darkwing Duck; I'll never know. Ludwig wants some tasty marshmellows in this host segment, which he'll never get any as the chocolate flood begins in earnest and we fade to black and HIT THE KOOL AID OPENING OF DEATH~! We return as the hot chocolate flood continues on as Ludwig is rowing a wooden rowboat with a blue hat on for no reason whatsoever. Sadly; he's not nearly as insane and cool as Doctor Axelotte. Ludwig cuts a promo about chocolate melting in hands instead of mouth as he explains that cartoon physics subverts the normal rules of reality because a chocolate flood would takes months to clean up in real life. We invoke the GADGET TRICK OF DOOM as Ludwig brings out a big ass pencil and throws it as it erases the hot chocolate flood within seconds. It also erases Ludwig's rowboat as well as Ludwig signals victory and then the pencil erases his hat. Geez; way to drive the point home about the blue pencil being the pencil of censorship there, guys. Ludwig goes directly to the hard camera and demonstrates the first cartoon law which is "squash" and squashes the lower half of his body into the ground, like a cartoon character. Oh wait... Ludwig calls this the setup for the cartoon "stretch" as Ludwig stretches and is now about fifteen feet tall. Really useful if you want to get out of a steel cage unless it's a "hell in the cell". Then it's impossible. Ludwig uses his body to play violin while waxing about the freedom of the cartoon world. The LEGAL HAND OF GOD stretches him too far, causing Ludwig to fly off-screen to a wussy bump as he is squashed into a sumo wrestler now. Ludwig gets up and walks away stage left to regroup and recoup as we end the first segment at 2:02, minus the opening. Sorry; but this doesn't work because Darkwing Duck is much funnier than Ludwig will ever be. The spots are all right; but Ludwig cannot make them funny to save his life.
He's Bonkers - Spatula Party: We begin this one at an apartment complex and for those who complain about how cheap and bad Flash cartoons are now; this is 1993-ish and this looks like something you see rookies in their first month of animation training. And then it gets worse as we go to the closeup and the artwork is a million times better. I'm so used to TaleSpin openings where the backgrounds are so beautiful that they make you want to continue watching. Here; these Z-grade backgrounds make me want to change the channel. So we hear a lot of snoring that causes a blue curtain to fly around as we cut to Bonkers in bed causing the snoring. So on the dresser there is a golden alarm clock as it wakes up yawning. So yes; Dora The Explorer doesn't have an monopoly on this; and at least Dora has some educational value. The alarm clock checks his watch despite being a watch himself; and then invokes the Bugs Bunny spot of playing multiple musical instruments (the same thing he did in the finish to the golf challenge short many decades ago. Bugs Bunny's was funnier by the way.) Bonker is literally snoring purple Z's in response as he pushes on the alarm clock's head and that shuts him up. Geez; if only it was so easy on Drake Mallard. There are horseshoes nailed to the wall, for no reason. Did I mention that his alarm clock talks like a drill sargeant? Then he brings out two machine guns (which have been stylized; but they shoot bullets anyway) and shoots the Z's into dust. There is an poorly drawn anvil nailed to the wall along with a rubber duckie on top. So Bonkers brings out a wooden baseball bat and whacks and hacks at the alarm clock. He hits a double which causes the alarm clock to land in a pile of colored alarm clock; which I suppose were gifts from the "House of Everything". The biggest lie in this show. You want to know what's missing in the "House of Everything"? It's talent. Bonkers feels his pillow and that wakes him up in a bad mood. Okay; that was funny as we hear bottle bumping sound effects in the background as Bonkers rises the bat on the dresser again; but notices the alarm clock is missing.
Then we hear hammering as Bonkers gets nailed with broken drywall on his head. So Bonkers storms out of his apartment building into the hallway as his yellow pj's change to his ill-fitting green sweater in a matter of seconds. I don't know why; since he's only going upstair to tell his neighbour to sod off with the noise. It's not like he's going to work or anything. He goes up the stairs and then gets floored by some guy we don't see running Bonkers over with a purple sofa. Bonkers pops up and demands answers to this outrage as he gets squashed again by two furries. I have no idea who they are, they went so fast. We then get a repeated shot of Bonkers near the top of the stairs asking if someone was moving in as he gets squashed by the two furries with a fridge and something else I couldn't make out. Bonker's eyes are rolling as he bets someone is moving in. No?! Really?! We then see at a doorway two furries who are probably rejects from TaleSpin trying to get the fridge into the doorway; but the fridge is just TOO FAT. So the bear furry pounds on the fridge to compress it and finally gets it into the house. Huh; I wonder if we just saw some of the "squash and stretch" Ludwig Von Drake is talking about. The door closes (which contains a heart knob and Christmas decoration for no reason) as Bonkers heads to the door and knocks on it. The door opens and Bonkers is about to read the riot act as the two furries come out and they are not amused. Bonkers backpedals and then gets squashed again as the two furries bail. By the way; when I mean "squash"; they simply run him over. There was zero beatdown from them; which kind of kills the point of squash and stretch. Since this is the pilot episode of both Bonkers and Raw Toonage; we get the formal appearance of Fawn Deer's leg and then a pan up shot of her. I don't need to explain Bonkers' incredibly sexist reaction to her as he bails and returns with a cup of sugar, a quart of milk, some arrows and a bow, four spare tires, a mummy something with a face that is alive, an igloo, and a pinch of actual talent. Okay; I made up the last part.
Fawn is amused by this as she only wants a spatula; which I assume is not in the igloo Bonkers is in right now after pushing in a defective ice block. She wants to make pancakes, you see. Bonkers tells her to wait and he'll be right back. Then he comes back and grins as the music in the background does this organ sound effect in the sound of saying "wow". Pfft; whatever. So, Bonkers runs down the steps like a roadster and we get the Wuzzles tossing out stuff from the closet spot as one thing that was tossed was a lawnmower. Tazmanian Devil spot ensues without the buzzsaw sound effects that make it so cool as we get more Wuzzles tossing stuff out of the closet, only this time, it is actually a closet and not the kitchen. Who keeps a lawnmower in the kitchen? Then again; who keeps a lawnmower in an apartment building with no lawn to cut? Bonkers blows off a Mickey Mouse ear hat during all this. Way to bury your top babyface there, Bonkers D. Bobcat. No wonder people hate you so much. He finds a plunger and then runs over to the dryer and stuffs himself right in it. He comes out and has the spatula in his hands. Of course; in real life, this episode would be over; but of course we have four and half minutes left, so it's time to CDS the episode. We start with a skate as Bonkers steps on it and goes skating as he bumps into a footstool (NOT THAT ONE!) and flies out the window. Bug eye spot ensues and the spatula goes flying as Bonkers is forced to hang onto the window sill; because you see, Disney was forced to stop being monsters and letting toons free fall on a regular basis. Okay; maybe not. Not actually; because the spatula falls and Bonkers dives down as BS&P steps in because Bonkers just has to break the fourth wall to tell us to not try this at home. Kids respond with the middle finger in response because they don't know about consequences and this show isn't going to teach any of course. Bonkers grabs the spatula and bounces off a blue flag pole. I do not buy Bonkers as a trained professional. Show me his license from the "Darkwing Duck School of Cartoon Physics" and I might change my mind about it. Might.
So Bonkers rockets into the sky and impacts the floor of a jet plane with his head as the people in the plane see it and mumble. Laughable logic break: Bonkers is stuck and somehow gets a circle part of the floor cut. It appeared Bonkers did it; which makes no sense since he only has a spatula with him. Bonkers gets WARNERED of course and Jim Cummings's Goofy scream still sucks by the way. Bonkers of course prys the white wheel around his waist off; instead of using it like an airfoil. I find this stupid because, he now has no way to slow himself down. Plus; the white tube could have been used as an airfoil and Bonkers is wearing the same colored sweater as Kit does. So why not have him do a Kit Cloudkicker spot and then have him splat into the cement. That would have been funnier and a great cameo sight gag. Instead; Bonkers simply breaks through multiple canopies. Not funny. On the ground we see a police officer writing a ticket to a dark brown bear cub wearing a pink shirt and red hat on a yellow tricycle. This has to be Grumbles as the police officer; no real police officer would write a ticket to a kid on a tricycle and live to see another day on the force. Bonkers bounces off the blue canopy does some rolls and lands on the pavement chin and nose first of course, because it's a Disney motif. The spatula lands in front of him as Bonker tries to grab it; but here comes a green car as Bonkers gets up. Instead of moving to the sidewalk; he brings out a red cape and does bull fighting with it. The car hits the spatula; moves and is out of control as it hits the lamp post and crashes. The lamp post comes down as Bonkers simply stands there and puts on a red helmet. The lamp post squashes Bonkers because Bonkers is a goddamn idiot. Bonkers pops from the carnage and his body turns into a squeeze box. I'll give them this; they are really playing up to the host segment concept of "squash and stretch" that it does make sense in that context. Problem is; little of it is actually funny. Bonkers walks over and gets the spatula; but is grabbed by the police officer. The officer writes a ticket for bull fighting in the streets and bad polka playing and gives it to Bonkers. HAHA! Serves you right for not taking my advice earlier. The spatula crumbles onto the ground (Oh, I see why they CDS the episode now.) as Grumbles writes another ticket for littering and walks off stage right. Good one, Grumbles, good one. Oh come on; it has to be Grumbles.
Bonkers looks at the tickets and then grabs Grumbles by the ankles and pleads for mercy. Mercy? From Grumbles? Are you ribbing me, Bonkers? Grumbles stuffs another written ticket in Bonkers' mouth and blows him off for whining. He also tells Bonkers to go buy himself a spatula like everyone else in cartoon land and in real life. Bonkers recoils and bails stage right; but his wallet is empty and has a huge hole in it. So Bonkers bails into the opposite direction towards the conveniently placed ATM on the sidewalk. So we get Bonkers pushing buttons as the ATM voice does this promo about data entry. Listen cartoon writers: This annoys me; not makes me laugh. Bonkers is not applying for an ATM card; he's trying to withdraw money from his account. If you want to do this spot; have him try to type his pin number, but he always gets it wrong. Add a limit number of tries; or even have him forget the number or even have the operator screw him several times only to get it right on the final number. That makes sense and it's funny. Heck; you can even have him play an arcade game to get the pin number as you do in this scene. I did giggle when she called Bonkers "Smarty-No Pants" though, so I did get something out of this convoulted, un-funny for the most part, spot. So Bonkers shoots at the money bags and nails it. We have a winner; and it's not the viewing audience, sadly. Bonkers gets money out of the ATM like he just won the Wrestlemania main event. I betcha he bails stage right; and Grumbles cuts him off and takes the money, as it will be enough to paid for the tickets. I check the video... Nope; he runs right into the store which appears to be the dreaded "House of Everything". Oh, and Bonkers' money is gone out of his hands for no reason. I wonder if this was originally supposed to be an eleven minute episode...Nah; I have no confidence in this show thinking that far ahead. Bonkers sees some jet rocket like snowmobiles as he gets startled by Jitters A. Dog. You know; the dog that says "I hate my life." and probably hates his wife, too.
Jitters is apparently the owner of the store. BS&P Alert: There is a pentacle on the green fin of the rocket sled as Bonkers grabs him and sounds like the most desparate bully you ever saw. Bonkers drops him and states that the sleds are selling like hotcakes; but he needs a spatula. It's for Fawn Deer, you see. Yes folks; he pulls the GADGET TRICK OF DOOM and brings out a picture of Fawn Deer to jackhammer the point home. He shows another picture of him getting married with Fawn Deer. Somehow; I believe him since Fawn Deer only has slightly more agency than Jenny Quackles from Breadwinners. He shows another picture of him having a family. If this were done today; there would be no need for a second picture, because religion sucks. Jitters then says that his store doesn't carry spatulas. Geez; what a stupid store this is?! Even Canadian Tire sells spatulas as Bonkers bails and brings out an orange wooden shovel and proclaims that this will do. This shovel was designed for a ten foot tall man. I'm guessing it's for Ludwig Von Drake. Bonkers loses his balance and lands in the rocke sled and the point of the shovel nails the red button; which shouldn't make the sled turn on; but does anyway, even though the green button is right there. I could say that the animators screwed up here; but this is Bonkers we are talking about here. The pentacle either disappears or appears as a black star with a circle on it. That is the animator's fault as Jitters asks for cash or charge. The rocket sled flies all around the area as it destroys the triangle roof on the front of the building. Jitters drops down out of sight and somehow manages to get into the rocket sled. Oooookkkkkaaayyyyy. Bonkers gets bug eyed again as there is a living statue of a general on horseback as they both jump and duck in that order and somehow don't crumble as a result of getting nailed on the way down. Yawn; whatever. Jitters eats map and screams for Bonkers to push the red button. Bonkers of course pushes the green button and Jitters gets ejected out of his seat. Okay; that was funny since I felt the green button was the opposite button. Sadly; Bonkers ruins the joke by claiming that he's color blind. Granted; Bonkers being a bobcat and all; means that he is colorblind in real life, but so what? If you are going to go with cartoon physics; Bonkers doesn't have to be colorblind. Besides; misdirection on the buttons was funnier than Bonkers being colorblind; because you are making fun of his disability, which isn't exactly good form as comedy.
Jitters holds onto the back of the rocket sled and we get the first offical promo declaring that he hates his life. Bonkers pushes a white button and we rocket off into space (of course; we have cartoon physics since Bonkers and Jitters do not die; let alone their heads explode in the process) as Jitters screams at Bonkers to go back right now. Bonkers puts space helmets on him and Jitters. Why would you bother doing that?! You're not even selling the space thing. Bonkers twists the steering wheel completely off. Bonkers proclaims that he's buying an American sled. Oh sure; let's make a joke about American exceptionlism in a cartoon world that is supposed to be close to TaleSpin's world. Then we get the pinball spots off the planets; even though two of the planets look like Saturn and Jupiters, and those planets don't have solid surfaces to begin with. Bonkers grabs Jitters and uses him as the steering wheel. HAHA! We steer down towards Earth somewhere in Mexico as we nosedive down as Jitter is screaming for Bonkers to pull up. Bonkers pulls up and the rocket sled hyperboles into the sky again. I just love how Bonkers proclaims that he's gonna make it even though the rocket completely overshoots the apartment building anyway. The rocket sled runs out of gas of course and they get WARNERED~ of course. We go from the idiots free falling in midair; to a jump cut of them inside the rocket sled hanging on. They crashed into the roof of the apartment building as they do the finish to Bullethead Baloo where MEL crashes through floor after floor after floor until he makes it to the floor where Buzz's lab is. Except; these two are babyfaces and they crash into Fawn Deer's kitchen. Geez; a classic cartoon that has a spot of destroying peoples' properties with impunity?! How is that possible?! Me not know how those two go together?! Fawn Deer has a plate of hotcakes ready as she shows the spatula; making Bonkers and Jitters look like complete idiots. HAHA! Bonkers is not impressed and groans. Fawn Deer shrugs and we circle fade out to end the episode at 8:24. This was all right as a pilot; but it doesn't exactly set the world on fire; it only sets Disney's bank account on fire. Call it ** 1/4 (45%).
Totally Tasteless Video - Doggie Schnauzer, MD - We begin this one with shot of a city AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we get a closeup shot of police sirens and lights heading straight into the hard camera. We discover that it's an ambulance that has some major issues with it's braking system as the back wheels back about five feet off the ground. The door opens and out comes a human patient with a giant ice cube around his body on a stretcher riding down the hill. Who in their right mind builds a hospital on a large hill? Oh wait; all hospitals in HRM, sorry about that. The orderly runs down, grabs the stretcher and rides it back up to the hospital without any tension, danger nor heat. So we go into the ER; (It's difficult for me to accept this as entertainment after going through this and resting for 65 straight days, fearing that I had cancer. I discover that the patient has a white cover on him and it's not a giant ice cube; it's a dishwasher that the patient swallowed. To be frank; this isn't all that unbelievable on TLC's Stories From The ER. The nurse gasps in horror as the orderly watches the patient burp a bubble containing a coffee mug (which is believable at least seeing someone swallow a portion of a crack pipe.) which the bubble pops and bounces off the poor guys head. Now he has a concussion and this requires a special doctor according to the red haired nurse. They both whistle and out from the door comes a small puppy wearing surgeon's gear. This is a gross violation of ethics and a PETA fantasy that simply cannot happen in real life. But it's Totally Tasteless after all! Except that means boring; not awful nor evil. There was a dog who was a doctor and Doggie was his nam-eo. D-O-GG-IE! D-O-GG-IE! Okay; this sucks, let's go to the obvious television advertisement based on Doogie Howser, MD which starred a young kid being a genius doctor. That is more believable at least since it's merely a gross violation of ethics. Doggie sniffs around the stretcher while the nurse gives notes on the situation. Doggie then speaks and proclaims it's time to use paper plates. Yeah; joking around the victims while the victim is awake, that's a good idea. You cannot forget to blame the victim in these situations. Doggie proclaims that they must operate, which isn't exactly the most reasonable thing to do with a dishwasher in his tummy. Although the patient should be a stat on the death chart long ago. That is one edible dishwasher there son.
Of course, the patient panics like crazy and all I can say is: If no consent forms are filed, than I hate Doggie. Even Beast Boy and Cyborg had enough sense to get the most generic clown they could find, to sign a waiver to allow them to operate on him in The Return Of Slade from Teen Titans GO! And of course, no waiver is signed here so Doggie can go scratch himself. Anyhow; the dishwasher rumbles in his tummy, causing Doggie to leap on the stretcher as the DW is on the SC and we need to OP, STAT~! So we wheel the stretcher away and we head inside the operating room with Doggie team of surgeons, which are all humans of course. They sterilize themselves and the area of course while Doggie is in the sink filled with water splashing water around like an idiot. Come to think about it; he's the Disney version of that puppy who beat up Sylvester in Looney Tunes and made the bulldog his slapping buddy. The surgeons are not amused of course; what a shock. Doggie jumps out and shakes himself like a dog; basically getting water all over the surgeons. Damn; they need to sterilize again you stupid puppy! Gruffi poses ensue and Doggie walks away stage left. Now to the operating room on the sky shot as the patient is burping more coffee cups from his mouth. So Doggie's on a footstool as the nurse asks about cleaning the area and Doggie proclaims that he has this and jumps on the patient and licks his face. The patient protests this outrage; but the nurse tells him to calm down because a dog's tongue is "cleaner" than a human's. That is bullsh**! He gave him the "lick of health". Oh please, you gave doctors woo there, nurse. So Doggie puts on the mask and brings out the big guns to operate including a doggie treat, because he skipped lunch. Too bad this segment is skipping laughs in the process. So the nurse asks if he has ever taken out a dishwasher before. Doggie; understandably in this case says no. I can say this because how the hell do you swallow a dishwasher, period? Let alone still be alive at this point? Seriously; Doggie's child corrupting balloon of doom is all about PUPPY LUV~ which is basically Molly Coddled without any build nor point.
Doggie and his girlfriend are sharing a hot dog with classical violin music. It's so sugary sweet that the patient (which looks like a taller version of Mr. Spacely) throws the schapel into the balloon to end this nonsense. So then Doggie takes a good look at him and proclaims that he seems awfully familiar. So the nurse checks the clipboard on front and discovers that it's the dog catcher. No actual name; just the poor patients title. Doggie then throws down his equipment and refuses to operate. He jumps down and walks out to towards the hydrant. So the male surgeons plead for him not to let him die; and before Doggie can say anything, the nurse brings in a newspaper rolled up and basically threatens him to operate because he's violating the "Man's Best Friend" rule. So what about Women? Can't a dog be a woman's best friend too? So exclusive! Doggie finally relents and decides to save the dog catcher's life. Everyone cheers at the stupid moment and we head to the dog catcher's hospital room as everyone is there to see the dog catcher tickling Doggie in the ribs on the desk. The dog catcher thanks Doggie for being a great surgeon; and really, he won it by default since he removed a freaking dishwasher without even hurting the man. Then a cat appears on the window sill and Doggie instantly chases it, because he's a dog you see and we cannot let cats and dogs live together. Even though Garfield and Odie co-exist just fine, sort of. He causes a mess on the trays of food, destroys a vase of flowers, gets blown off by the staff and then chases the cat out of the window and into the meadows as one of the male surgeons proclaims that he aced medicine in six months; but flunked obedience school forty-seven times. Which begs the question: Isn't that school part of the people skills training to get a job? Maybe Kit should teach Doggie about it, although his record with Baloo and Rebecca is mixed. Close the doors with the End inside the purple paw to end the episode at 12:11. What a stupid segment this was?! Just a bunch of nothing and liking it! * (20%).
So we return to the warehouse with Ludwig Von Drake bouncing and waving at us off a trampoline as he demonstrates that gravity is a little less in the cartoon world; then it normally is on Earth. Ludwig is in mid-air as he rides on an imaginery bicycle. HAHA! Ludwig cos-plays bicycling for a bit until he looks down and of course, gravity remembers and Ludwig free falls into a bottomless pit screaming and not finishing his promo in the process. Oh wait; there is a bottom in this pit because we hear a crash sound and dust is flying out of the pit. Then Ludwig insantly pops up to the pit's edge literally one second later. He is in Chargeman Ken's world! Ludwig jumps out of the pit and talks about how deep the holes are and then takes out a giant ass vase and a giant ass fridge out of his pockets. He is demonstrating the art of cartoon pockets. He throws them and somehow they create craters on impact. Of course! He brings a piano out of his pocket, because cartoon physics everyone! It's the WCW of fiction you see. Ludwig literally pumps up because he only has to think strong to be strong as he takes the vase and punches it away stage left. Considering that he had no problem taking the vase out of his pocket; when he wasn't thinking strong, color me unimpressed. We get the hole most known as the Scooby Doo Snow Angel spot. He blows away a fridge into the wall causing another SDSA spot on the right wall. You can guess the final bump now: The whole building collapses on Ludwig and the chimney goes down on Ludwig and squashes him. I check the video...Damn; I'm good. Ludwig proclaims that no one will accuse him of not bringing the house down. I do accuse him of not being funny enough to make it sound unpredictable and this ends the segment at 13:53. Yeah; this was merely all right, but most of it I didn't laugh at, so it's a massive disappointment.
Marsupilami - Marsupilami Meets Doctor Normanstein: We begin this one on a dark and stormy HAPPY HOUR (Yeah; I'm in a deep craphole today); as there are thunderbolts apently. We head outside of a tower with Norman wearing a green cape, blue pants, boots and a hat. He also talks with a really lame German accent that sounds too much like Pete Pete. He's also wearing red gloves for no reason as he walks back inside cackling. Apparently; a hurricane has blown in as we pan over to the jungle getting the worst windbag treatment of all time. Okay; maybe not. Cut to mountain with Marsupilami and Maurice under a yellow umbrella probably made from Mars' tail. Mars claims that it's raining cats and dogs; and in a major shock, no cats nor dogs rain down. Mars wrings his tail out as he then points to a tilted castle on a cliff, because all evil castle must have a cliff while all good castles have a moat. Mars wants to dry off and orders Maurice to giddy up. Maurice sells and we scene change to the front door of said castle. Why? I don't know. Maurice makes it to the front door and Mars uses his tail to knock on the door with the iron ring knocker. The doors are opened by Maurice (thus rendering the knocking pointless) and we head inside. Mars calls out for anyone and of course; his voice doubles over about three times. Lots of cobwebs ensue on the ceiling and then a trap door opens beneath Mars and Maurice and both of them get WARNERED~! Pfft. Maurice and Mars bounce down the steps; taking some decent bumps in the process. They land on the floor right in front of Doctor Normanstein's creepy lab of death. Mars is awed and Maurice no sells as usual. Oh wait; he looks bored, so he is selling. Just the wrong way though. So yeah; this episode is basically Disney take on The Creature known as Frankenstein. Complete with upright Lightning Gun; only it take in bolts instead of firing them. Mars jokes about it missing The Creature Of Misrepresentation. And speak of the devil itself; here it comes complete with zombie walk down the steps towards Mars. Mars bails while his feet wake up Maurice, which is more selling done by Maurice than anytime during this series (Raw Toonage or Mars' own show.) and Mars rams into Doctor Normanstein in such a way that Mars appeared to headbutt Norman right in the balls; and his arms were in between Normanstein's legs.
Mars is dizzy, Norman still sucks at the accent and we have thunderclaps. The Creature's name is Apenstein. At least here; the creature is different enough to deserve being called that since the real Creature was never Frankenstein to begin with (that was the doctor's name for the two of you who still think Konami censored the name for copyright reasons in various Castlevania games.). So Norman explains that Apen has a problem and Mars thinks it swallowed a toolbox. Norman proclaims that Apenstein has no brains. That's still better than having no selling powers. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So Mars offers Maurice's brain, which I would refuse. I would rather have no brain than be brain dead. Maurice actually sells emotion more than ever before and puts on the electric dunce cap, which is fitting for him by the way. Norman takes it back and calls Maurice a fool. Just a fool; Norman? You're giving Maurice way too much credit here. Basically; the whole electric dunce cap is a brain transfer machine. Whatever Norman as he shows a white chicken, proclaiming that it was the only brain he could find. Why not? It fits a cowardly heel personality perfectly with Norman. Mars backs up; realizing where this is going now because Norman is actually smart enough to realize the folly of using Maurice's no selling brain. Mars carries his tail away, so I guess that the brain is in the tail. That's really stupid. He tries to get Maurice to leave; but Maurice no sells because he's dumb. More thunderclaps and Norman looking creepy makes Gregory Weagle something something as Norman tells them that it's raining out and he has no Swifter cleaner to spare. So we fade to black and then return as apparently, Mars and Maurice were knocked out as they are strapped to the boards of woe. So Norman puts the electric dune's cap on Mars as Maurice has one already. Although now, Maurice really has two. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm... Apparently; Mars is awake now as Norman goes to the level and pulls it (JESUS~!). Sadly; that causes the machine to break and smoke for no reason whatsoever. Norman calls it a malfunction. Of course it's malfunctioning. Maurice's brain is so dumb that even the machine is trying to commit suicide to save itself from the pain of no selling.
Mars claims that he failed to pay the bills. Yeah sure Mars; coming from someone who doesn't know how basketball works. I cannot take anything you say seriously. That promo sucks! Norman bails to adjust the lightning compactors and tells Mars to not go away. Mars, like an idiot; agrees to it but still calls Norman a wacko. Mars struggles to get free, but no go. Then I realize that MAURICE is not the one on the table, it's Apenstein. Personally; this make sense, but it's not exactly funny. Maurice grabs the electric dunce cap and puts it on his head, causing Mars to panic of course. He sells like he's having a great time as Mars protests this outrage. So we head out on the rooftops as the visual effects guys have given up on this episode as it's not raining. Norman is fixing the satellite dish because he wants Apenstein to be a giant screen television... Allegedly. He points it up into the sky as we cut back to Mars yelling at Maurice while Maurice is pulling on the lever for a while (JESUS~! OH; YOU'RE GONNA DIE~!) and the shocking begins as both brains are transferred, but Apenstein don't care because he's not one of the victims. Norman gets shocked on the rooftops and this frying goes on for too long to be healthy for anyone seeing or being a part of this. Mars has traffic sign whites in his eyes; and we finally end this with Mars in Maurice's body. So for rant purposes; Mars is now Maurs and Maurice is now called Marsoop. Norman is; well Norman. Maurs checks himself and notices that he's big and fat now; plus lacking in spots and long tail. He panics as usual as he unstraps Marsoop from the board as we are doing A Baloo Switcheroo, only with a lot less wit and an unlikable heel in Normanstein. Marsoop's selling improves 500% as Maurs calls for a banana. Cut to the steps as Norman returns and dances like an idiot because it worked. Well; it did work, but Norman has Double Darkwings syndrome. As if the lighter colored shirt and lack of bolts around the neck didn't give it away. Could be worse; at least Apestein has a similar body to Maurice, so it has that going for this dumb plotline. Norman calls himself a genius and Maurs demands that the brains be switched back. Three guesses what the answer is and the first two don't count. So Norman brings out the electric dunce cap and proclaims that he needs Maurs brain; causing Maurs to back up pleading to use a politician's brain. Ah; so Donald Trump was what Maurs was talking about back in 1992. That made sense to me.
Norman doesn't care of course; so much so that he tries to put the thing on, and Maurs crashed into a portion of his lab and shatters everything on it. Norman blows him off for that and then we have more destruction from Marsoop as he breaks milk bottles. Bastard! He pulls a lever (JESUS~!) from a green box like machine as Norman panics. He does the run in and we jump cut to Marsoop throwing out clothes from a conveniently placed dresser drawer and using his tail to trip Norman and send him flying. You got that? Norman crashes into his machine of brain switching and the dunce cap is on his head. Norman protests this outrage and sounds more German when saying it. Finally; Jim Cumming is giving a crap in this episode. Too little, too late though. Norman's ass pushes the lever (JESUS~!) and he gets shocked with Apestein taking his brain. Norman's glasses seem to be more generic as time goes on. So Marsoop pulls the lever (JESUS~!) and now we have Apenorm and Normape, basically. Apenorm protests this outrage as Normape bumps into a metal locker and the chicken bounces away screaming. Whatever. Apenorm gets unstrapped and blames Maurs as he grabs the metal table causing the chicken to bail screaming again. He wheels it as Maurs runs away while Marsoop sits on a radio on a shelf and no sells everything. Zapping sounds ensue and some objects fly as Marsoop somehow sells this by cringing. More repeating spots as Marsoop is sweating and in shock as Maurs runs into the hard camera. Marsoop bails, Maurs grabs the electric wires (which are buzzing with electrical current mind you) and swings up as Apenormal misses with the surgery table completely. He bumps right into the wire in front of the lever (JESUS~!) and impact stars ala The Incredible Shrinking Molly galore (at least it was animated better here than in TaleSpin.). Shock and awe ensues, yee-haw. Even the poor chicken gets it as the entire lab explodes into nothingness. We see Mars and Maurice are back in their original bodies as Mars bounces around so happy. Whatever. Maurice burps; so Mars takes it as being back in his own body. A sad day in the life of this poor gorilla. Mars and Maurice bail stage right less anymore body switching occurs as we cut to the chicken as Norman's brain is in said chicken. Norman himself is Apestein, so Apestein plays the role of the chicken. Could be worse I guess. Normanape chases ChickNorman while Apechicken clucks and pokes at the ground. Chicknorman shrugs and that ends the episode at 20:39. Just a bunch of stuff. ** 1/4 (55%).
So to end this episode; we see Ludwig climb out of the chimney of carange he created. Ludwig calls this a mess as he brings out the BLUE PENCIL OF CENSORSHIP and orders the blue pencil to restore everything to the start of the show. So the blue pencil erases everything except Ludwig as Ludwig thinks everything is fine and then a drop of hot chocolate drops on his head and Ludwig looks up to notice the blue pencil simply drew the chcocolate flood up once again. The flood swamps Ludwig good as Ludwig gets up and proclaims that his big mouth screwed up and that ends the episode at 21:09. Probably the worst host segment of the series; at ** (40%). I'm sorry; but Ludwig isn't the guy to be talking about cartoon physics.
THE REVIEW LINE
Yes folks; this episode and series was designed in order to buy time in order to get Bonkers over as the next Bugs Bunny. It failed miserably. The host segment was a solid thing on paper; but the wrong guy was booked on it. I like Ludwig Von Drake; but this is the wrong subject for him to teach; because he's suppose to be a scientist based on reality; rather than cartoon physics. This is where booking Darkwing Duck would have been a lot better. And it's not like Jim Cummings was unavailable either to do the role. So; the spots came off as bland and boring, rather than funny. He's Bonkers was all right as a pilot; but there was very little of it that was funny. Granted; they did play up the host segment with this as a "real world" example, so I cannot fault them for concept. I only fault them on execution as it was no good. Marsupilami's episode was simply every body switching episode you ever saw. It was fine; but it isn't good or anything. Doggie was the worst episode; and it's a lot less funny for me after I had any surgery. So we had bad episodes all the way down in an episode where you are trying to get Bonkers over as the next big thing in cartooning. No wonder Warner Brothers was kicking their asses six ways from Sunday after this. So there you go; another Raw Toonage episode fully completed. So....
Thumbs down for this entire episode and I'll see you all next time.