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Raw Toonage: Gosalyn Waddlemeyer(-Mallard) Hosting Rant
Reviewed: 12/24/2020
Cartoon Physics My Duckass Part Deux!
Yippie; thanks to the Secret Files of Saint Carnard; I can finally rant on Gosalyn's Host Segment featuring Gosalyn and Ludwig sparring because Gosalyn wants some cool monsters. Yep; this'll be good. He's Bonkers has taken a break, which is good for us in my not so humble opinion. Marsupilami gets a double dose of segments as he battles Norman as a witch doctor and a poacher who wants to kidnap Maurice for some science project that no one should ever fund. Oh; and Robin Hood as a cow in a Jay Ward-equse segment for Totally Tasteless Video. Yeah. So how does this edition of Raw Toonage do? Let's rant on shall we...?!
Sadly; I have zero credits for Witch Doctor Is Which?; but The Hairy Ape is written by the late Gary Sperling with the story edited by Kevin Crosby Hopps. Animation I think was done by Wang Films. Robin Hood is written by Shari Goodhartz and story edited by Ralph Sanchez or Tom Minton. The host segment was written by Tom Minton and Mark Zaslove. Animation done by Wang Films.
Gosalyn Host Segment: So we begin this one in a room featuring a lot of cardboard and a wind up green car. This is squashed by Gosalyn who is cosplaying Godzilla, when it's more like that rubber ball FOWL created in one Darkwing Duck episode that I didn't think was good. Then again, Ducktales 2017's version of SHUSH VS. FOWL is more compelling anyway. And Gosalyn is far more animated stomping the car. Gosalyn then apologizes, not for stomping a poor wind up car flatter than my sex life; but because she didn't notice that we were watching her. She waves to us, because she is the host of this show and her host segment will involve creating a cool, vicious, evil monster. Then in comes a flying suitcase out of nowhere and it opens to reveal Ludwig Von Drake blowing this whole thing off, claiming it violates the laws of physics, all while violating the laws of physics himself in that sequence. Hypocrite much there, Ludwig? Gosalyn: Ludwig is the monster! STOMP HIM GOOD~! Gosalyn becomes the second new DTVA character to meet Ludwig Von Drake, next to Launchpad in Ducktales, whom also appeared in Darkwing Duck with Gosalyn. I guess that suitcase was Launchpad throwing out the extra weight, meaning Ludwig is in fact a terrible therepist. Ludwig points to his head claiming to be a brilliant scientist. Goku's father was a more brilliant scientist than this goof ball, and his father isn't even a scientist since that was a Saban dub creation. Gosalyn has teeth and wants Ludwig to help her create a monster for her as she bails stage right, and the black screen of doom pushes Ludwig away as we HIT THE OPENING~! Now, I'll be ranting on the segment as one from here on out because that is how it aired. So we return as Ludwig no sells the deal because it violates the laws of physics. Don't you mean it is unethical and illegal? Because if it's the laws of physics; you are a monster by that logic! Gosalyn ignores him and asks if he is going to create the monster or not. Ludwig pulls down a projector, which doubles as a teleporter into a really detailed lab as Ludwig drones on about laws and science and Gosalyn don't care at all.
Ludwig gets poked and admits that he never tried to create a monster. So, how does he know it violates the laws of physics?! Answer: Because Ludwig is a monster since he heavily implied that cartoon characters are monsters, but won't admit his gaffe. Gosalyn does the flickering eye lashes spot (the same one Rebecca used on Baloo at the end of Plunder and Lightning to get Baloo working for her.) and Ludwig finally gives in. Gosalyn wants her monster to be super-realistic -- which Ludwig would be perfect to experiment on if you catch my drift -- and Ludwig shuts her up and wants to use veggies instead; which causes Gosalyn to groan. Fade to black which would lead to the first cartoon episode segment, but I have already done the rants for them and they are below; so I'm continuing on with the host segment. We return with a shot of a cauldron of bubbly pink liquid. Whole carrotts are dumped into the cauldron which on the next far shot is one big ass flask. Gosalyn walks up some stairs and asks how to get the lightning, because she has watched way too many Frankenstein movies. A reminder once again: Frankenstein is the doctor and the creature he creates is not named, although Adam is sometimes used since Adam was the first male name according to the Holy Bible, the worst fictional book ever made and that covers a lot a ground I might add. Ludwig crumbles the paper bag into the liquid, goodness knows why and claims that they use lasers and digital in the 1990's. Ludwig goes to the biggest ass switch I have ever seen on a control panel, NegaDuck wishes his switch was that big. He throws the switch and it does nothing...AND THE ROCK SAYS NOTHING~! Ludwig is ultra confused. Ludwig of course forgets to connect the two cables together and tries to and of course he didn't turn the thing off; and he's fried to a crisp, of course. To GeoX: Sometimes the asshole snark is justified when the scientist -- whom should know better because he's a scientist -- does something stupider than Drake Mallard. So, we get lasers, and an explosion that is muted because BS&P RULEZ BABEE~; Gosalyn looks around and finally sees the monster....
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ludwig basically turns into a carrot monster and protests Gosalyn's calling him a monster. She's not wrong and that was BEFORE you turned into a carrot monster. That would end the second segment and we return in the lab with Gosalyn watching Ludwig pacing around and whining like an idiot. Gosalyn calls her a great monster, which makes me laugh even more. Gosalyn is just rubbing it in and she has no idea that she's doing that. Ludwig claims that this will make him lose credibility as a scientist. After hearing that, the snark Ludwig got with the Quack Pack nephews is pretty much on the nose and then some. They were too nice to him. Raw Toonage did more damage to his credibility than Quack Pack ever could. So, while Ludwig is crying like a baby; Gosalyn goes to a panel where it reads that there is a way to deal with a giant mutant carrot monster as she pushes the dreaded red button of doom. Considering that the storage box contains holes; you can guess the next spot without any trouble. Yup; the panel opens to reveal three pink rabbits, who look like children of Babs Bunny, because we still have to mock Looney Tunes. You would think Michael Eisner would realize how bush league this was, but of course not. The bunnies attack Ludwig, he falls down like a dead tree as the bunnies eat him off screen and we end the segment. We return as Gosalyn is addressing the crowd, and Ludwig comes in to protest this outrage. He's back to normal; so someone was watching Blood Freak and remembered to not insert stock footage of rabbits eating carrots. This is a Z-grade movie. Ludwig pulls a rabbit who was biting his ass and drops it; and proclaims that he's done with this. He violates the laws of physics, AGAIN, by making a door which was part of the big ass beaker that he made the carrot stew from and goes through it. He shuts the door and the rabbits bump into the door; before Ludwig opens the door again, the rabbits come in and the door is shut.
So, he still thinks the rabbits were not at fault here. Gosalyn ponders over what to do next and goes to the big ass switch (which is now pink with purple trim instead of red and brown) and pushes it up. Thunderbolts fly into Gosalyn as we jump cut to outside as the denizens all flee the scene and Gosalyn squashes another car, which is hilariously a real life version of the wind up model green car she stomped at the beginning; so basically, this is the real life version of the opening sequence. Expect Gosalyn is now a giant evil vampire with red and green whites in her eyes. She stops selling and proclaims that she created a monster before resuming her rampage to end the entire host segment at 3:30 approx. This was a really fun host segment, but Ludwig sort of tainted it for me. *** 3/4 (75%).
Marsupilami: Witch Doctor Is Which? - So after Marsupilami schools Maurice and Norman in a game of golf (there is about thirty seconds of previous episode in my source video by the way), we begin this one BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) with a shot of the jungle. A monkey swings on a vine and sees a bunch of bananas. Monkey tries to grab bananas; but Norman in the most bigoted costume he could find and pass muster to 1992's BS&P scares the monkey away. So Norman takes the mask off and taunts the runaway monkey as I discover that Norman has built himself a tree house in the jungle. So Norman grabs a mirror and does the Snow White "Mirror, mirror on the wall" promo and the lips in the mirror tells him that he is the scariest one of them all. That's a lie. Meanest one of them all is believable at least. The Tiny Toonish of them all even more so. So Norman asks if he is the happiest one of them all; and the lips of doom blow him off and is happy to show Norman that Marsupilami is the happiest one of them all as he is in his nest (from episode #4) lying around while Maurice is on the ground below, doing what he does best: Not give a damn about anything, everything and even himself. Mars is swinging on a swing in his nest as a bird is annoying him; but failing because Mars' singing don't care about anything. I just realized that the bird looks similar to Gusto's bird friend in Gummi Bears, Arte Deco. Lovely! Arte found a cameo job after this. He flips a fly off and goes back to swinging and singing. Norman looks on from the mirror and Norman is getting evil dude. Norman proclaims to the mirror that something should be done about this and he laughs. Fade to black and return to the base of the tree with Maurice drinking coconut milk out of coconut cups. Pan up to Mars singing and humming and swinging in his nest. Then some lightning bolt magic strikes the nest and makes it disappear causing Mars to be WARNERED~! He free falls with large eyes and he bounces up off a coconut cup and then takes an off-screen bump onto the nose of Maurice.
Mars stammers and panics for about ten seconds; and then gives up and bounces away sounding happy again. Yeah; Mars doesn't believe in curses. If only this wasn't a cartoon...So Mars bounces up a banana tree and grabs a banana. He comes down; he peels the banana and uses his tail to play baseball with it. I should have asked this a long time ago; but how does Mars know about American sports to play them? Actually; I could say the same thing about entertainment in general, but that would be mean. Speaking of mean; Norman teleports in with mirror and gets creamed by said banana. Norman no sells and proclaims that he must do more to make Mars less happy than he. Why not just kill him Norman? I realize that BS&P isn't going to allow it; but it makes more sense than flinging curses at him. So Mars bounces in with two coconuts as he wants to basically play soccer; but cannot say soccer. So the lightning bolt curse strikes again and Mars loses his tail and rolls like a bowling ball. He crashes into Maurice with a thud and Maurice laughs like L.B. Seriously! Mars recovers and then panics because someone stole his tail! You know this is serious when THAT happens to Marsupilami. Mars goes on and on; and then realizes that Maurice doesn't give a damn. It took TEN EPISODES for you to figure that one out Mars?! So Mars admits that Maurice doesn't have one either and he's happy. Maurice looks blank so I couldn't tell anyway. Mars decides to live and let live on the tail issue as we cut to a tree branch and some red smoke. Norman appears with mirror and he's furious. Because Mars will not submit to sadness or something. Norman asks the mirror what to do and the mirror suggests turning Mars into Norman. Norman is not amused; but he has a better idea and with that, we fade to black. So we return with Mars talking to Maurice and then the puff of smoke engulfs Maurice and he disappears. Mars panics and looks around the area; finding nothing but a teleporting Norman who is of course acting like a scummy heel would.
He shows off the mirror to Mars and the lips appear; making Mars say "ooba". Norman offers to give Mars Maurice back; calling him a sweaty monkey; even though he is clearly a gorilla in storyline. So he invokes the mirror and Maurice appears looking like King Kong if King Kong had total apathy. Yeah; he's eating trees, what a shock?!Mars dodges debris and slobber from Maurice as he complains about king sized beds. Maurice then disappears again and Norman decides that he will work on Mars' tail. Why are you helping Mars Norman? I mean; helping him is only going to make Mars happy. Sure; it might make you happy; but it isn't going to make you the happiest man of them all. So Norman zaps Mars ass and Mars gains a peacock tail; then a yellow tweety bird tail that Norman calls the tail of a seagull; then a tail wagging beagle. Norman laughs out loud and Norman is so happy now as he is the happiest man in the jungle. Mars comes up and asks Norman if the lips mirror can do anything; and Norman pets it and proclaims that it can do anything he asks it too. Mars somehow found two coconuts cut in half during this entire ordeal and asks Norman if it can make coconuts fall from the sky. Norman proclaims that he can make lots of coconuts fall. Geez; you think they are going to do the slip on a banana peel finish here, no? Yip. Norman calls for coconuts to fall from the sky and they fall right on top of Norman. Oops; forgot to say "fall on top of Mars", although knowing this show; this makes sense. See what happens when you erase your mind for the "good" of the business?! So Mars steals the mirror and asks for it to bring Maurice back; and Miss Lips (no relation to Miss Lips-Baldwin) agrees as Norman gets squashed by Maurice. Wow; Disney didn't allow us to see Henry squash Mcnee in Mommy For A Day; but was all right with showing Norman getting squashed by Maurice.
Mars and Maurice hug
each other as Maurice looks so happy. So next up is his tail and the
mirror actually remembers the bouncy tail of Mars when it is brought
back to Mars' ass. Last up is a nest; and Mars and Maurice get
teleported to an vulture's nest on top of the steepest mountain they
could draw. Norman pops up from below Maurice and steals the mirror
back. Then a vulture flies in and grabs Norman by it's shoulders and
Norman is flown away stage left. Mars yells at him to use the mirror;
and Norman yells for the mirror to lose the bird. The bird is poof
out and Norman gets WARNERED~! Of course! Norman free falls and
crushes his own tree house in the process before taking the weakest
bump onto the ground, breaking the mirror. Norman looks at the mirror
and cries like a baby because it is broken and it disappears seconds
later. Norman has seven years of bad luck; and then the destroyed
tree house falls down and squashes Norman basically killing him.
Okay; maybe not. Maurice and Mars climb down as debris is falling
from the mountain in a neat visual as Mars proclaims that Maurice is
all he needs and with a friend like him; who needs magic. Maurice
grabs him and apparently licks Mar's body including his feet; which
Mars completely no sells. Mars is not
amused and then they disappear in a flash of light for no reason to
end the episode at 6:30 approx.
This was perfectly acceptable cartooning with a decent beginning,
middle and finish, even in spite of the nonsensical ending that was
at the end. Not much to see here. ***
(60%).
Totally
Tasteless Video: Robin Hoof -
Okay; this one looks interesting in theory. So we begin
in...Udrogoth?! Yeah; this TTV uses the exact same style of artwork
as Dave The Barbarian, only predated by at least 13 years. Remember
my rant on stealing obscure art styles and how Fairly Oddparents
applied it to their show and then Dave stole it back while FO was
still going strong on the air? Yeah. So we pan over to Sherwood
Forest (which is now a bustling kingdom) with a castle in the
background. So we head to a hut which is shaped like a pie; with a
roof like the roof of a pie. A denizen has taken a pie and put it on
a window sill as the narrator is narrating this segment. So a bunch
of dudes steal the pie and bring it to a short man with a triangle
nose and coned shaped armor and helmet as he calls himself Max
Something (I'm guessing he's the sheriff of Not in this setup). Max
puts his finger into the pie and steals the grape from inside said
pie. He eats said grape as a large woman in a green dress and dark
green coned hood demanding Max to look up. Max no sells because he
isn't fooled. Then everyone scatters but Max as Max is squashed by a
yellow (with a symbol printed on his ribs) chewing grass from above.
This is so much like the cowboy getting squashed by the horse during
ABC eye catchers back in the 1990's. He is also wearing a robin hood
hat; thus exposing himself as Robin Hoof. Max is flatter than my sex
life and the denizens rejoice in a contrived manner. Not contrived
enough it seems. The green dressed woman asks who owns this cow and a
blond haired woman in a pink dress runs in and proclaims that it's
hers, and she's known as Milk Maid Marion. Of course. What a fool I
am?! Marion produces a bucket of milk and throws it at the denizens
which covers them in milk. Robin Hoof robs from the rich and gives
milk to the poor. What an evil cow this Robin Hoof is?! Crowd doesn't
care as they ooo and ahhh this spot; because milk refreshes them, or
something.
So we head to Butterwood Castle (which should be it's booking name) and then inside the rectangle table as the king of the castle is mad. Mad that someone called him a dirty rascal? The goon squad comes in as the short Jerry Ward-equse king is mad that Robin Hoof is wrecking havoc; and orders them to grab him, handcuff him and execute him in the public square so that he can be made into food at highly inflatable prices of course. So we head into Butterwood Forest (again; should be it's booking name) as the goons in shadow are walking into said forest with weapons of non-destruction; because Robin Hoof sees them right away. Remind me never to hire these goons as ninjas. So goon #1 is wearing a pink tunic as he falls into a Team Rocket-equse hole which on the bottom contains a see-saw containing Robin Hoof. Oh come on now! Goon #1 see saws Robin and Robin squashes #1. Goon #2 twinkletoes in with a crossbow wearing banana yellow; so he is Gedo 1000. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm...He snags the white rope and gets squashed by Robin Hoof out of nowhere. Yawn. Goon #3 has an orange tunic on and a steel axe. He sits on a rock and wipes his forehead breathing a sigh of relief. At first; I thought Robin was going to squash him then and there; but the rock is spring loaded and Goon #3 goes flying into the air; where he lands only Robin Hoof cares. So Goon #3 lands on a cliff and then gets squashed by Robin Hoof seconds later. Robin gets off of him as Marion runs in looking horrified...and then stops selling and turns Goon #3 into a paper airplane. Okay; that is funny. Robin blows Goon #3 away as Marion tells Goon #3 to inform the king to never set foot in Sherman Forest ever again. What a stupid booking name that is?! Butterwood Forest is MONEY BABEE~! Robin and Marion slap tail and hands for fun. So we scene change to Butterwood Forest as Marion is picking flowers as the narrator tells us that Robin Hoof has brought peace to Butterwood Forest. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Speaking of sticking; Robin Hoof is eating grass and a arrow hits the tree with a scroll of paper stuck to it. The scroll opens by itself and Robin Hoof moos at it; because this is how he reads it. Must be his new contract. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Marion runs in as the king of Butterwood Castle (again; my story, me sticking to it.) informing us that he has challenged Robin Hoof to a grazing contest at the castle in three seconds. Marion proclaims that we need to get a moove on it. LAME-O! And this scene took at least ten seconds; so sod off guys! So we head outside the castle (narrator claims that three seconds elapsed; I call raw bullsh*t! See what I did there?) as ten denizens are sitting in the stands while the king is standing on the ground near the start line with Robin Hoof looking at him from said line like he wants to kill the king. The king brings out the checkered flag (showing how stupid the animators are in how a auto racing race works.) and proclaims that he wants a fair match...not. Marion is not amused by this; and I don't blame her because, what does she and Robin have to gain from winning this contest? It's clear that the king set this up so the goons could kill the sacred cow who squashes heels like an ABC claymation eye catcher. So the race begins and Robin Hoof is eating grass while running. The opposition is three guys in a cow suit as Goon #3 is biting Goon #2 on the back because his tunic is green like grass. What an idiot?! They finally stop eating each other and the race is on with no music whatsoever, but there is sound effects. This is an inverse version of Chargeman Ken. The king is angry because he wants the fake cow to win. Why? Don't you want Robin Hoof to win the race so he gets so fat that he cannot move and thus Robin is easy pickings? Who is booking this? I'm certain it's not Jay Ward; even Jay has more logic and reason than this. CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS ensues by the king. Robin Hoof basically makes a crop circle modeled after Milk Maid Marion and wins the race. In other words; this is exactly what the heels would want, right?!
Robin bows awkwardly and
the denizens cheer in contrived fashion; which pisses off the king.
Geez; what an idiot?! Again; if this is a grazing contest and you
want to kill him, don't you want him to win the contest?! So the king
finally brings in the butcher to cut Robin's head off and this
butcher looks like the Dave The Barbarian version of Barf from You
Cannot Do That On Television and Robin bails on cue. Marion jumps
from her seat and gets on Robin's back as Robin runs back to the
starting line and bails stage right. The king yells at the goons and
tries to jump onto them; but that fails and they tumble onto the
ground. Then they look up and they get squashed by Robin Hoof out of
nowhere, because this segment makes no sense at all. What the heck
happened to the butcher? Or the baker? Or the candlestick maker? POW!
OUCH! Ummmm... Green dressed woman gets the HORN OF DEATH in her ears
and she stuffs some loaded green sock into the horn telling him to
stop already. Mind you; this is the first time she was hammered with
the noise of the horn. Yeah. The trumpeter eats his own horn as the
denizens actually cheer legit this time. So we head into Butterwood
Forest as Robin Hoof is eating grass and Marion is lying there with
not a care in the world. And really; she shouldn't since this is
supposed to be Totally Tasteless. She should demand a refund for this
semi fun segment. Robin Hoof has string tied to his tail and on the
other end are kites made out of the heel; which is in fact a great
payoff that is within BS&P standards. Problem is; this is
supposed to be...you guessed it. The king wants the narrator to stop
milking this segment; and that's a SHOOT BRUTHA~! Goon #1 calls this
a flat ending and the king tells him to go fly a kite and then he
catches himself realizing how horrible that promo was in hindsight.
Circle fade out to end the episode at
4:11. This was
a fun TTV segment actually; mostly because they actually wrote a
decent payoff to the segment and made the king look like a dope. Call
it ** 1/2 (50%).
Marsupilami:
The Hairy Ape -
We begin this one in the jungle with a butterfly flying around. An
orange lizard chases it on a tree branch and tries to eat it; but it
fails. Zoom in towards a tree as Maurice is eating a banana while
Mars is swinging from the tree doing exercises with his tail. Mars
steals the banana from Maurice because Maurice is over eating. So
Maurice MURDERS Mars to the ground with his fist to steal the banana
back. Maurice eats banana and eats it like a slob. Mars sees flowers
of power and decides to let him have the banana and then they play.
Mars wants to play rock music and uses his tail as an electric guitar
which plays actual sound effects. Maurice attracts flies and he
doesn't care. That's two of us in a nutshell. Mars then tries some
easy listening; which is basically a folk song version of rock and
roll; and then jazz. Maurice doesn't care and neither do the kids
even though it is for completely different reasons. Then Mars opens
Maurice's mouth wide and plays bongos on it with Maurice's
disgusting, crooked, yellow teeth. I wonder if Scott Steiner was
confusing Ric Flair with Maurice? One tooth pops from Maurice's mouth
and he no sells it...Oh wait; he opened his eyes. By the laws of
Maurice; that is selling on par with Hawk actually selling a
piledriver. So Mars does the limbo with his tail; don't care. Trust
me Mars; you'll never go as low as Chargeman Ken killing Professor
Volga. So for goodness sakes; ADVANCE THE DAMN PLOT ALREADY~! Maurice
blows bubbles and burps because...you guessed it. Mars is angry and
does the Gruffi pose as he claims that there is more to life than
stuffing his face. No Mars; there is no more to life than stuffing
his face. Maurice is the lazy bum on the street of life as he climbs
up the tree. Mars takes this as Maurice taking the hint...and then a
bunch of bananas fall onto the ground. Yeah; Maurice is so into
follicking into the trees Mars. Not. Mars orders Maurice to come down
here at once; and Maurice hell dives down and squashes Mars flatter
than Alexander The Grape. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
Maurice peels banana and eats it, DUH! Mars pops his tail out of the carnage and uses it to create a swing pulley system to lift Maurice off the ground, so Mars can escape. After Mars escapes; Maurice is thumped down onto the ground and he no sells it. So Mars throws away the bananas in disgust. Hell of a friend Mars is?! Maurice walks to bananas without a care about Mars. I don't blame him; Mars is a terrible friend to be around. Maurice trips on rope and gets raised and netted causing Mars to laugh as if he was the one who made the trap! What an asshole?! Of course; we discover that it's Norman who sprung the trap wearing his hunter's outfit. FINALLY!! The stalling is OVERAH~! Mars of course butts in and of course their minds are erased once again. I'm not going to bother getting angry over this; I have said my piece in the previous rant, and that's all I am going to say about it. So we hear party and Mars wants Norman to release him. Norman tells him that Mars can release him and Norman can bail to get something to break his fall. Norman giggles like a scummy heel and walks out. Mars climbs up the tree using his tail. He gets to the tree branch as Norman brings in a red truck containing a steel cage in the back. Break his fall indeed. Mars unties the rope and Maurice falls right into the steel cage, DUH! Norman mocks Mars and then drives off causing Mars to oversell choke smoke and whining about some party we all knew Norman would break his promise on. Scene change to Mars in the trees as he uses the tail to hang down and stop the red truck in it's tracks. Mars tells him that he forgot him and Norman slaps his forehead; calling himself so absent minded. So he turns up the speed and MURDERS Mars with the red truck causing Mars to swing around the tree and tie him to said tree. Scene change to mountain with the red truck climbing a narrow passage on said mountain. Mars finds a conveniently placed tree branch and swings down to inside the steel cage to greet Maurice. Maurice of course, couldn't care less.
He's eating bananas again and he burps on cue. Mars takes the hint and jumps into the passenger side seat of the truck via the back window. Mars annoys him and so Norman gets cute with him; and then smacks him out of the side window where Mars free falls into the abyss below. Or would have if Mars didn't use the tail as a helicopter; which is a neat spot, the first one of the segment. Mars calls this a major league hint as his tail chokes itself out causing Mars to wave bye bye and free fall. Sadly; we cut to the next scene before he took the bump WITH CHEESE AND BACON. I CLUB BS&P! So we continue in the jungle with the red truck as Norman hits bumps just to be an asshole. Norman sings and then gets bumped like mad as Norman wonders if it's an animal and then proclaims that he hopes it's one that he ran over. Classic psychopathic scummy heel heat for Norman. We discover that Mars has used the tail again to stop Norman's truck as it's tied against the tree. Norman spots him and I just realize that the license plate reads HG GUY. I have no clue what that means. So Norman is protesting this outrage as Mars asks in the most unconvincing tough guy look ever asking why Maurice is invited to the party and he isn't. That is a great question? Why is Maurice invited to the party; but Marsupilami -- the star of the show -- not invited? Second; even if it's because Norman is taking Maurice to the zoo, why does Norman want to put Maurice in the zoo? Considering Maurice; that sounds so stupid even on paper. Then I find out that Norman admits that he's using him as a science project. That's going to be one expensive science project there dude. Mars asks what his point is and Norman does the WINDBAG SCREAM OF DEATH on Mars because this is what this episode needs. Mars stands his ground with the Gruffi pose; so Norman kicks him in the ass complete with impact flash (BS&P RULEZ you know!). Mars calls Norman a not very caring person. Geez; you THINK?!
So we fade to black (wow; it took almost five minutes for that to happen) as we continue in the jungle with the red truck and Mars swings beside it. Mars lands on the steel cage as he uses the tail to unscrew the screws holding the back of the truck in order to release the steel cage. Mars then notices a low hanging branch and uses it to tie himself to the tree and pluck the stage cage from the back of the truck. Cut to Norman in the truck humming to himself and then he panics; noticing that his steel cage is missing. So he turns the truck around and drives back to stop right in front of Mars and Maurice as Mars calls him a heartless poacher in the most sarcastic voice possible. Oh; those are fighting words Mars! Norman brings out the net and decides to break character to hunt small game. So Norman chases Mars around Maurice while Maurice sits there doing absolutely nothing. Maurice peels a banana and throws the peel on the ground right in front of Norman. Norman slips on a banana peel; and it isn't enough to just have him drop on his ass on his own. Mars has to push him to tie his feet up to trip him down onto his back. Maurice laughs at this and it is so contrived that Maurice clearly doesn't think this was funny at all. Norman gets up and calls him an ugly primate, so Maurice PUTS OUT THE NORMAN! Uh oh! You pissed Maurice off there Norman! Then Norman gets spun like a bola and thrown stage left which completely defies the laws of physics, but still looks cool. Norman slides into some muck and takes a weak ass bump into the tree. Mars is on the tree branch above him and tells Norman to soak that outfit. Norman is pissed off and climbs the tree while Mars swings like Tarzan stage left. Norman tries to grab him; but misses and forgets to WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE~! Of course. Norman slides down and we get the worst fade to black in DTVA history. Who does that fade to black think he's on? Chargeman Ken?!
We return with Mars on top of the tree with his tail as we cut to Norman swinging like Tarzan, struggling. Mars pulls his tail up just as Norman was about to grab it; and Norman is WARNERED~! Apparently; Norman takes about 25 bumps off-screen despite there being no evidence of anything there that would cause 25 bumps. Fade to black and this one was better than the last one. We return with Mars on the top of a hill grabbing green leaves; and apparently, we are going to slide down the hill with leaf sleds. Okay; it's not the dumbest finish I have seen. Mars uses the sled to slide down with Norman doing the same. Norman chases Mars through the jungle; and of course Norman sucks at sledding as he bumps into about two dozen trees and rocks really good. Mars goes off the rock ramp and lands on a wooden boat perfectly. He rows away stage right as Norman rides off the rock ramp and hell dives into the water with a resounding splash. Norman pops up as before he went off the ramp; he said that he hopes the sled had air bag. No; I don't think Larson & Gary injected steroids into those leaves; so you're out of luck Norman The Asshole. Scene change to Mars bouncing in the jungle and this is completely overbooked now; and it's time to mercy kill it. I just realize that it's BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) as Norman is chasing Mars and even remembers his name. Now can you remember his name in every episode and stop insulting the audience please? So the chase is going to conclude at the cliff as Norman thinks he's won; but Mars bounces backwards and Norman gets WARNERED yet again. Norman grabs like crazy and Maurice comes in to peel another banana. Norman grabs the banana and he's screwed; so he throws the banana away and free falls. Maurice grabs the banana and eats it. Norman screams and that is that as Mars mocks him to fax him. So Maurice and Mars walk away from the cliff as he proclaims that Maurice is going to make a banana lover out of Mars as he tries to peel a banana and eat it. Maurice steals it; eats it, slobbers and gags like mad and then he goes into a coma before burping. Yeah; the story of Maurice's character in a nutshell as we circle fade out to end the episode at 7:26. This was a fun episode that looked awfully sloppy and that beginning took forever to setup. ** 3/4 (55%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Finally! Gosalyn's host segment is reviewed and it was not perfect, it was very good and very fun; mostly because of Ludwig being an total idiot for my pleasure. Still, Ludwig's BS in this episode should be a reminder that maybe the Quack Pack nephews were not totally unjustified in their response to the credibility of Ludwig as a scientist. If I was screwing up simple stuff like Ludwig was in this episode, most scientist would rightfully ignore me or mock me or call me a disgrace. There were a few animation mistakes; but they paid off the "Ludwig is a monster and is projecting" angle rather nicely. The rest of the show was a bunch of middling shorts and the Robin Hoof TTV segment was fun and better than I expected it to be even though the whole thing is so stupid. I wish they call the place Butterwood; which would have at least sold the whole cow motif. The two Marsupilami shorts are just your average love in's as they were fun enough, but nothing that I would go out of my way in seeing them. The later one was sloppy and the beginning was way too slow. The former was decent with an ending that made no sense; but was semi fun at least. So there you go; another Raw Toonage episode fully completed. So....
Thumbs in the middle for the shorts, thumbs in the middle pointing up for the Gosalyn host segment, and I'll see you all next time.