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Raw Toonage: Jitters A. Dog Hosting Rant
Reviewed: 04/02/2021
Jitters Has The Hate Life Stance On!
So we continue down that winding road of Raw Toonage complation with a host segment that I'll sum it up in a nice little package: Jitters A. Dog does stunt work for DTVA shows such as TaleSpin, Ducktales, Rescue Rangers and The Little Mermaid. What? No Darkwing Duck? No Gummi Bears? I call BS on this one. It's too bad because Jitters doing stunt work for TaleSpin is MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. It's also dead perfect considering that most of the Bonkers characters in He's Bonkers would fit rather well in TaleSpin; although Tanya Trunk would have to be recolored. The other segment features Bonkers trying to get Tanya Trunk to her wedding on time (along with a bonus short that involved Goldielocks, three Bobcats and an home invasion); two geniuses and a dog on a quiz show and Norman being a jackass chef who steals a fruit basket that Maurice and Marsupilami own. Yeah; so let's rant on shall we...?!
Sadly; I do not have the credits for the Marsupilami; but I do have credits for the bonus rant of Goldjitters & The Three Bobcats as that one is written by Gordon Kent with story edited by Ralph Sanchez and animation done by Kennedy Cartoons. Get Me To The Church On Time is written by Shari Goodhartz and edited by Ralph Sanchez or Gordon Kent. Sadly; I regret to inform everyone that Gordon passed away six years ago at the age of 61. He wrote A Traitor Among Us for Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series by the way. Animation is also done by Kennedy Cartoons. The host segments are done by Tom Minto, Shari Goodhartz and Ralph Sanchez; with animation done by Wang Films.
Jitters A. Dog Host Segment: Once again, this segment will be done all in one go. So we begin this one with the dreaded pully system with a giant ass iron safe as Scrooge McDuck who sounds more like Scrooge 2017 than Scrooge 1987 as it's clear that they didn't even bother to get Alan Young to voice here despite being present in his own host segment! Oh, and Dogface Pete makes a cameo here as the villain responsible for the trap of doom. Scrooge comes over to grab the penny with a money sack in tow before a director off-screen screams "CUT"! Geez; this is like watching Ducktales if everyone was a clear stereotype. This would be the underlying theme of these stunts in a nutshell. And yes, the director is a human being with toons as actors. The director calls for Jitters A. Dog painted up like Scrooge, and his design feels like Scrooge from the modern Mickey Mouse cartoons done in Toon Boom. Jitter is the stand in for Scrooge because in this world, the characters never do their own stunts because they are cowards who have toxic masculinity, or something related to their union. I have zero idea who Scrooge is with when Scrooge walks stage left. And the director doesn't even know who Jitters is and don't care to know as the penny is changed to a silver dollar. The director resumes the action as Jitter picks up the coin, cuts a whisper yell promo everyone hears and the the safe is dropped on him and Jitters is concussed. Of course! The director then chills my heart by telling Jitters to do it again while using the megaphone right into Jitter's ears. Dammit! We then HIT THE OPENING~! Then it's time for segment two featuring Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers with Dale being Jitters and one of the giant chickenhawks being Monty; which is already an improvement! And people think I hate Baloo Von Bruinwald XII so much, eh? Jitters gets stuffed into a cannon without his helmet while Jitter does his promo about professionalism, which is absurd. I should point out that the TTV frog makes a cameo here. Then they fire the cannon and Jitter crashes into the brick wall; missing the gimmicked padding by ten feet. The director likes it; but we have to do it again as the brick wall crumbles and that ends the segment. Next up; the swimming pool with a ship in the background and then a pan shot over to Jitters dressed up as the Little Mermaid with a fin suit with overalls designed to with shells to resemble male nipples. And he is also wearing red spotted white underwear. Yeah.
Jitters struggles to stand up (and out I might add) and walk. Jitters trips and falls into the water and then gets eaten by a whale and we head inside the closed mouth of the whale with it's throat exposed. If you cannot guess what happens next, you have no business reading this rant. Apparently; there is a guide book for stand ins as Jitters decides to waste time by reading it and the fins of the suit tickle the whale's throat and causes the whale to spit Jitters out through his air hole and it ends with Jitters hanging upside down like a catfish on a conveniently placed rope and the director loves it; but he forgot to tape it, so one more with feeling as I think the director is voiced by Jim Cummings. Jitters spits water and a lot of fish and we fade to black. We return near a worked cliff with Don Karnage making his second appearance (along with Scrooge) on this show arriving at the cliff with stones pelting the water. The director turns off the record player and yells cut in probably the only good scene he has filmed so far. So, bring in Jitters as the stand in for Don Karnage and there is no way anyone can take him seriously. At least with Scrooge, Dale and Ariel; there was some believability to the whole proceedings. He might as well be Don Karnage's son filiming this. And anyone wonders why people were gaslit into believing that TaleSpin got downplayed?! Oh, but stay tuned because the trainwreck is about to get even more gruesome: Jitters cuts a promo about skill and then gets cut off by the director. The furries open the hatch and out comes the SeaDuck with Baloo piloting it; which means Don Karnage and Baloo made it on Raw Toonage; but Kit Cloudkicker, the character who got the show green lighted in the first place, doesn't. It gets worse; Baloo has the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE and he lassoes Jitters! Okay, problem #1: This makes Baloo an aggressor even though he was always the victim who fought back. Problem #2: Baloo looks horrible here. Problem #3: Why isn't Kit the one running on the ground instead of Don Karnage. If Kit was involved here and Jitters does a Kit Cloudkicker stand-in; this would have make sense because (a) it wouldn't make Baloo look like a heel, (b) Baloo saves Kit which is on-brand with TaleSpin, (c) make a really hilarious ironic joke about Jitters doing all of Kit's stunts despite the fact that in TaleSpin, Kit is literally a daredevil stunt kid who cloud surfs (or cloud kicks in Ducktales 2017) and then screws up.
You had the perfect setup; and you went for the most popular character instead of the one who made the most sense here. Even worse, the entire sequence plays out like a screwed up cloudsurfing sequence, so having Kit Cloudkicker as the character works here and Jitters dressing up as Kit works even better because Kit would be the perfect size for Jitters A. Dog! This is why a lot of people do not like others messing with other characters from other shows as much as I love Tanner Johnson's version of adult Kit Cloudkicker and Molly Cunningham. Anyone who thinks Ducktales 2017 disrespects Kit Cloudkicker and his legacy has never watched this segment and I implore you to watch this and try unironically to say that this was better than adult Kit Cloudkicker with a straight face. This is a perfect test to see if old fart syndrome is affecting the brain. Jitter lands in the volcano, teasing his death (probably the only on-brand thing of this segment) before climbing out. Of course, the director loves it so every scene is supposed to be a sadist version of said show and thus is trying to destroy the shows' reputation, especially TaleSpin's. He had no film, do it again! This also might Jitter's union look like sadists as well. Not a good look. We fade to black and finally return with Jitters dressed up like Sunni Gummi; the most accurate character he has played; but he's not a stand in since he has his hat on. Here's what happens: He punches out his ticket to end his job, he heads to his car and starts driving in the city AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark). He talks for a long ass whomping time about his job in good terms mind you while the entire city is literally trying to kill him or capture him with international objects, and even a UFO is involved. Someone on Quack Pack had a boner after that one. Jitters is finally at his house, he gets out of the car, he walks on the lawn, a bolt of lightning misses him and Jitters stands there and is happy that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place. Which is BS; except he gets struck by lightning, Jitters turns into a pile of ashes, wishes he has a stand in, finally admits that he hates his life to end the episode at 3:30 approx. That ending was so surreal that it was like Jitters is their whipping boy in this show and this was their way of introducing him. On the one hand; this episode was pretty funny, bad booking on TaleSpin stunt aside; but the longer this went, the sadder it got. Jitters wasn't supposed to get sympathy heat here; but he managed. Call it *** (60%).
He's...WARNING!
WARNING! BONUS RANT COMMENCING! Since my source video is from Bonkers
in 1993; that means we get a bonus episode!
He's
Bonkers: Goldjitters & The Three Bobcats -
Take three guesses
which nursery rhyme this short parodies?! So we head into a house and
there is Jitters A. Dog dressed up like Goldy locks with a pink dress
and pink anime hair dancing around with a bowl of porridge (which is
basically oatmeal if oatmeal isn't used.). The bowl is green with
yellow flowers on it. Bonkers is the narrator and claims that this
happened a long time ago, which by his standards is yesterday.
Jitters winks and heads to the table as this is an epic tofu porridge
with a mousetrap and a purple mitten in it. Oooookkkkaaaaayyyy. So
there is a knock -- nay -- banging on the blue crooked door and it is
kicked open to reveal a Mama Bobcat, a Papa Bobcat, and Bonkers Dee
Bobcat. So yes; this is like the three bears getting their revenge on
Goldilocks. Never mind that they are supposed to be the heels here.
So Jitters gets squashed into fine paper; and then we scene change to
the bobcats literally eating Jitters out of house and home. As
thrilling as it sounds. Jitters asks if the food is to their liking
as dentures with a bone inside fly off into the western wind. Papa
Bobcat gets burned by his porridge; Mama Bobcat does ice fishing with
her porridge and Bonkers shares his porridge with his family because
it's just right...for tofu. I'm certain this is not Jitters' tofu
porridge on the count that his porridge is suppose to contain a mouse
trap and a purple mitten. Jitters sulks and bails to the living room
to watch television. And yes; the bobcats can hear the narrator
because they yell TEEVEE in unison. So the bobcats squash Jitters in
the living room and steal the remote from the television. Papa Bobcat
whines about repeats, violence via off-screen gunshot sounds, and
then Bonkers Bobcat pushes the button on the remote and calls this
just right and it's the logo for Bonkers in Looney Tunes fashion. Ho
hum Disney; no one likes you anymore. So the television fizzles out
causing Papa Bobcat to MURDER the television set with the Dumptruck
screw down punch. Nice one sir. Jitters whines and then simply goes
to bed and we jump cut to him in bed watching a fly on the ceiling.
Geez; I wonder what is going to happen next? You don't suppose the
bobcats are going to do the "someone is sleeping in my bed"
routine...and doesn't bother to actually add a twist to it?
Apparently; Jitter bought a triple stack bunk bed because Jitter cuts a hole through the structure to escape to the middle bunk. The bobcats all land on the top bunk and Baby Bonkers Dee Bobcat says it's just right. Of course it is; because they MURDER the triple stack bunk bed and squash Jitters like an ant. Jitter is angry and grabs a wooden stake from the bed tomb, yelling for them to get out. This is enough for the bobcats to be scared and bail out. Jitters goes to the door as the bobcats leave and slams the door. Bonkers the narrator proclaims that they have left to pester their friends; and will be back tomorrow. Of course; the house comes down completely on Jitters, then the door frame, then the door, then the chimney. Jitters ends the episode at 2:22 saying that he hates his life as we circle fade out. This gets nothing and likes it! DUD (0%). It's basically Goldilocks & The The Three Bears if the bears were the outright heels who did a home invasion. Lovely...NOT!!
He's Bonkers: Get Me To The Church On Time -
We begin this
episode at someone's house which has the worst artwork ever and
backgrounds ever. There is a tree that looks similar to the barb wire
Christmas tree from TNA Impact! I'm guessing this is Bonkers' house
because we head inside to what looks like the most low rent Looney
Tunes-equse room I have ever seen. Bonkers is at the mirror putting
on his blue tuxedo and he cannot put on his black bow tie properly.
And his blue tuxedo is now grey. Bonkers' hands are tied to the bow
tie as he bumps around a bit. Jitters comes in with a matching tuxedo
while Bonkers whines. There is a picture of a pink elephant; to whom
I realize is Tanya Trunk. Apparently; during this bumping session,
Bonkers' left leg gets crushed by a tiny little safe. Jitter tells
him that he is the one getting married and not Bonkers; as Bonkers is
the best man. Wow; Jitters had zero friends if he has to depend on
Bonkers just to be his best man. Bonkers opens the safe that crushed
his leg and brings out the ring, effectively no selling his injuries.
Whatever. Cut to shot of a cuckoo clock releasing two cuckoo birds in
marriage gear. It's six clock and they say it's time. Time for what
you may ask?
Sunny:
Well; there's 15
minutes left until the Pay Per View!
Whatever PPV Sunny is
plugging, I would rather see it than do this mini rant. I'm really
slow in the past month or so, and I don't know why. So Bonkers tries
to leave; and is barely able to beat the tiny little safe from his
leg. Whatever. So we scene change to outside as Bonkers stuffs
Jitters into the limo proclaiming that they'll get there in no time
flat. And then the tires of the limo go flat. Of course! So we scene
change to Bonkers using a jack to jack the car up. Did I mention that
this jack is high enough to be as high as Deadman's Drop? So yeah;
Jitters tries to point this out; but Bonkers blows him off, and then
catches himself. Car comes down because Bonkers is an idiot; and
Bonkers bails; but Jitters gets crushed by the car. Whatever. So
Bonkers fixes the wheel using Jitters as the jack. And you wonder why
he hates his life? Did I mention that one of the nuts has a face with
arms and hates nut screw jobbers like Bonkers?! Yeah; I don't get it
either. So Bonkers uses an oil can; and it doesn't spray oil. So
Bonkers screws around with that and oil sprays onto Jitters before
Bonkers oils the nuts and does a poor job of it. Either that; or the
animators screwed up. Bonkers is talking about being in the wrong
suit; while Jitters complains about getting married with oil on him.
Bonker jacks down Jitters and throws him into the limo saying "I
do" after Bonkers assures him that they'll make it before he
says I do. Then the engine chokes itself to death. Seriously; the
engine in Bonkers' car has a face as well. So Bonkers gets out and
runs to a conveniently placed pay phone and calls for the
transportation department. So we scene change to see Bonkers on a
tricycle with Jitters (who has cleaned his tuxedo, but not his face;
showing the unfortunate moment of him basically wearing a black face.
Smooth move there Disney! NOT!) as Bonkers pedals and complains about
writing to his Congressman about this. I wouldn't do that if I was a
cartoon. You know how Congress Critters are usually
anti-entertainment. So then we get the most pointless segment of this
entire series: Bonkers pedals into a car wash. It's bad enough that
they need to do a car wash spot. It's worse when you consider that
Jitter's tuxedo was clean as a whistle BEFORE they went through and
it's even WORSE when a second after they enter the car wash; all the
oil is off Jitters' kisser! Yes; he's already cleaned off; rendering
the entire spot pointless time filler. They get scrubbed, washed,
fried and tickled in that order.
Then we go out and head to the railroad crossing spot of doom which usually ends in nothing hitting each other; but in this case, Bonkers and Jitter splat in front of the train. Jitters complains that they are going the wrong way. If he's talking about this show; then I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Fade to black and we return into Furrytown, Usland with a bicycle carriage and Bonkers pedaling it like mad while Jitters is the backseat driver. HA! Bonkers whines about the Orient Express; so he stole Kato and Tanaka's ride? THAT'S RACIST~! So a pink car shows up and crashes into the bike causing the two goofballs to land on the power wires and slingshot upwards. Sigh; why is it that TaleSpin get this logic correct, but no other DTVA show does? Is it because bouncing off dangerous wires is somehow funny? So they land on a purple balloon and then slide down into the basket as we see a furry turn around wearing pilot gear, and it's Grumbles Grizzly. Grumbles blows them off for slowing him down (despite the fact that Grumbles himself weighs more than those two combined.); and wants them to get out. Bonkers points out that out means a long way down. So Grumbles finds a red colored parachute and ties both goofballs up with it. Then he drops them off the balloon. So we get the "funnie" spot as Bonkers is adjusting Jitters' tie and cares more about it. Of course; Bonkers has the parachute causing Jitters to free fall and say that he hates his life. Join the club Jitters; this winter has been the ultimate hate on everyone's lives. So Jitters crashes through the church roof (and there is a steeple; but no cross of course. Jitters lands on the stage/alter and there is a large bride present which makes Jitter assume that it's Tanya, but since we have at least two minutes left in the short, it is clearly not. It's a vicious bear; what a shocker?! Bonkers lands in front of the church safely (of course) and goes to the front door as Jitters runs out and declares it the wrong church. No?! Really?! Cartoon Duck Syndrome strikes again; like a Dusty Finish, only Dusty Finishes tend to be useful in certain situations. CDS isn't useful in any situation. So a fire engine shows up and Bonkers and Jitter basically hitchhike on it. Jitters of course doesn't know where the right church is.
Wait; so you are getting married to Tanya Trunk and you don't know where your exchanging of vows is going to take place? Memo to Tanya: Get the hell away from Jitters. He doesn't care about you. Why is Jitters marrying Tanya anyway? They screw around with the fire hose and get bounced for their troubles. This goes on for a long ass whomping time because it involves Bonkers and Jitters getting back on the truck; Bonkers takes the coiled hose; throws it onto Jitters and Jitters bounces off the truck and bounces on pavement again before coming back up. Bonkers ties the hose to the wooden ladder and his foot presses the button causing the ladder to straighten itself and push both babyfaces up. Jitters bounces in front and behind the engine and then twists himself around like one of those tee ball play sets you probably got as a 1990's kid. So this ends with them tied against the ladder with the hose and being dizzy. Jitters finally notices that this is the right church. So he DOES care about marrying Tanya. I officially retract my statement and apologize for jumping to conclusions again. And there's Tanya Trunk in her bride gear waving as the fire engine goes by. Bonker does get a funny quote asking if the wedding is taking place inside a burning fire department building. Yes. I realize that it's entirely possible for a fire station to burst into flames; but that is usually a very rare occurrence. So the fire engine stops in front of building; causing the babyfaces to go flying and they destroy a billboard sign in the process and bounces off the roof and get shredded into pieces by some circular vent. They melt together and then pop back to normal; like a bunch of cartoons. Their feet touch the roof; and they scream because the roof is TOO DAMN HOT~! So here's the finish to this wacky episode: Tanya butts in and bounces the firefighters out of the way. She opens the fire hydrant and uses her trunk to consume water until she is bigger than Hoppo from The Wuzzles. Then she fires the trunk at the blaze and puts the fire out completely and manages to return to her normal large, but fit and trim size. That was the best spot in the episode by the way. Jitters pops up and a portion of the roof crumbles; Jitter free falls and lands in the hands Of Tanya who seconds later, hugs him which Jitters like. Tanya and Jitter bail into the church to have the exchanging of vows.
Now that should have been the end of this; but no. Some one in the fire station lights up a firework and the firework manages to crash into Bonkers. Bonkers gets flown into the sky; the fireworks explode into stars of love, heart and pink colors. There's no cross on this church either as Tanya and Jitter walk out hand to hand. Wait; so the vows took exactly thirty seconds, including writing up the license? That's a bunch of bobchat. See what I did there? Bonkers is partially burned to ashes as he lands on the pavement and take the bump WITH CHEESE AND BACON~! He proclaims that he loves happy endings as we heart fade out to end the episode at 6:10 approx. So this was a Valentine episode? If it was; it was a slight improvement from the Ducktales Valentine special, because it was merely there compared to the jerkiness of that episode. Tanya's finish does help this a lot, so call it ** 1/4 (45%).
Totally Tasteless Video: So You Think You Know Everything, Don't You? - Once again; we go to another TTV segment that is doomed from the start. We begin with the announcer introducing the show; which is a knockoff of Wheel Of Fortune. I hate to say this; but CWA's Wheel of Torture and even WCW's Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal is a million times better than this knockoff. At least in WCW; we got to see Jake The Snake get his face bitten by his own fake cobra and we also got Mick Foley having a great death match with Vader. In comes Dink Blinkmon wearing so much banana yellow that he ought to be arrested and charged with impersonating Gedo; which is a capital offense in 43 states, 30 countries and Japan. So we introduce Mel Cranium, who apparently is so awesome that he has written every book in the world twice and has degrees from every college known to man. I dispute that last claim! That would imply that Liberty University has given this man a degree. I betcha Mel has never heard of Liberty University and is thankful that he didn't attend. I swear that Dink looks like the cartoon version of the announcer from "Who Are The Overlords Of The UFO?!" Next up is Mona Museum who is a historian, builder and does various other stuff with her hands and smiles when she waves to the crowd. Mona is great; but she is going to lose to a dog. Spoiler Alert everyone! So we try to introduce the third player and the camera is going bonkers as Johnny the announcer is shocked and appalled. Of course he is because the third player is a brown colored dog called Skippy. Yip; he is going to beat two professionals because making fun of smart people who work hard and smart to make the world a better place is supposed to be funny. If both of them were actually assholes; then this would be funny, but they are not assholes yet, so you buried your own segment. Even the announcer thinks this is a joke; so you know Skippy is winning this one. Mel and Mona don't care if he's in the match or not; which they are going to regret when this episode is over. Dink puts the dog on a stool and Skippy licks his face and talks about running a show called Out To Lunch. So Dink Blinkmon is a friend of Michael Eisner? What a shock that is?! So we begin the proceedings and it's basically a quiz show with easy answers. I know this because Mel said Holland, Mona said Switzerland and Dink said Mel and Mona were correct. So this quiz show is not rigged. Skippy sniffs the console for fun and we get the purple spiral scene changer; which looks almost as bad as the scene changers in Chargeman Ken. I'm guessing this segment cost them $1,000 to make. So the first round ends and he's out of questions. And I'm out of answers as to why this segment sucks. So Mel and Mona got 11,000 points apiece, and Skippy got one point, prompting Mel to say that he would have never got that one if the question wasn't what a tree is covered with in which the dogs says "bark". Not only is it not funny; but you would think that the two geniuses would have answered that since they always buzzed in before the question is even read.
So Dink goes to the wheel and introduces it. Needs Cheetum the
evil midget; that always works for a laugh. So we spin the wheel and
it lands on a pie. I hope it's potang pie since this segment deserves
one in the kisser. Nope; it's basically a complex relay race. Mel and
Mona are gravely offended by this. This is too stupid for them; they
are above this. Like I said before; Skippy has to win and therefore
Mel and Mona have to be reduced to pompous stereotypes in order to
get Skippy over, because they have to make a star. Dink then
threatens to make them lose if they don't do it and Mel puts on a
raincoat and starts plugging in figures on a calculator. So does Mona
as she has a measuring bar. Because they can never just jump in; they
have to make it complex. They are saving themselves all right; they
are saving themselves from victory. Take one guess who wins the relay
race. Thankfully; the mud is chocolate pudding as the buzzer rings
and we begin the race. Skippy of course just stands there like a dog
doing absolutely nothing as the humans race for their lives. I'm not
calling this stupid race; it's totally tasteless. Which means boring
and filled with nothing of note. BS&P Alert: Near pentagram with
the pink star, yellow background circle. So there is ten seconds left
(yes this is a timed event) and Skippy jumps into the relay race and
wins. Dink gets the BUCKET OF SHAME planted on his head; and declares
Skippy the winner as Mel and Mona crawl from the carnage. So Dink
wants to choose a grand prize winner and does the WWE style of
picking a winner; by applause. Naturally; Skippy gets the loudest pop
of the three and wins. Geez; there's a unacceptable number of
rednecks in the audience today. Wonder if they are in Memphis,
Tennessee during this taping?! So Dink shows him the boat, car,
vacation and drops one million dollars cash as the grand prizes. Mona
and Mel protest this outrage because what is a dog going to do with
any of this. Then Skippy speaks proclaiming that the boat and car go
to the parents; he takes them on a trip and he'll build a golden
hydrant from the money. Bryan Alverez, call your office! The humans
are shocked that Skippy can speak and Skippy shows that they really
don't know everything after all and does the Gruffi pose. Now THAT
was funny! The problem is that it's supposed to be Totally Tasteless,
so REFUND~! Mona and Mel protested as Dink claims the audience voted
for him fair and square, which the entire audience is made of dogs
and one cat. Skippy counts his money as he proclaims that game
shows have gone to the dogs and circle fade out to end the episode at
4:57. The ending of this was amusing; so call it * (20%);
because hell, I feel generous. Can we now call them Total Parody
Videos; or is that trademarked?
Marsupilami: Someone's In
The Kitchen With Mars - We begin with a pan shot of the jungle
and head to a tree where Marsupilami and Maurcie are sitting next to
a fruit basket allowing Maurice to do his only gimmick: eating and
lots of eating. Mars has a chef's hat on and he's throwing fruit into
a conveniently place cauldron over an open flame. Mars wipes his
hands clean and then turns his tail into an egg whisk. So we head to
behind the bushes with Jackass Norman in a chef's outfit using the
binoculars of doom to spy on them and the fruit basket. So he finds a
fishing pole and uses it to hook, line and sinker the fruit basket
away. Maurice sees it; but he couldn't have cared less. Do you know
how difficult it is to peel a banana when you are 450 pounds?! And
Norman steals the banana from Maurice and he looks wide eye and
doesn't care. So Mars stops whisking the fruit brew of doom and
tastes it. He likes it and bounces on his tail while saying "ooba".
Mars channels Don Karnage and sucks at it; and then panics while
accusing Maurice of eating the fruit basket. Mars runs around looking
for the basket. It's difficult to defend Maurice even if we know it's
Norman behind the thievery when Maurice is known to be a binge eater.
So he looks inside Maurice's mouth and there's nothing of note there.
Mars walks around admitting that this is a fast fingered thief, which
means Maurice is completely innocent of these crimes. So we see Mars
and Maurice walking and Mars is playing Scooby Doo while sniffing
around for clues. This goes on for a long ass whomping time until
they make it to a five star hotel complex in the middle of nowhere.
So Norman has a new job as a chef after he completely destroyed his
career as Bob The Building Jerk. So the babyfaces make it to the
banana yellow door; and Norman comes out remembering to squash
Maurice and Mars with the back of the door into the wall. OUCH!!
Norman runs out because he needs the main course as the door rebounds
back and it has the imprints of Mars and Maurice on it. How drole.
Not. So Mars and Maurice open the door and walk into the kitchen and
it looks like a kitchen from 2074! Mars completely marks out for all
this and we cut to an orange pressure cooker complete with stop and
go levers; along with a train whistle. Maurice is eating jam out of a
jam jar while Mars is bailing and returning with more whole fruit.
So Mars puts the fruit in the pressure cooker and talks about looking; but don't touch. He prefers the don't look, but touch method as he turns some arrows and pushes a few buttons. Mars then panics and runs in to prevent Maurice from eating the birthday cake. So Mars hates the birthday cake spot? Does this imply that Mars hates professional wrestling and subscribes to Vince Russo's SEX?! Ummmmm...nope. So Mars was cool with him eating jam; but not a birthday cake? Buzz killer. Then he changes his mind and allows Maurice one bite. So he does love the birthday cake spot? Maurice has one bite of birthday cake; which means he eats the birthday cake whole. That was some one bite Maurice pulled off there. Mars shrugs his shoulders because Maurice outsmarted him; then we hear police alarm sounds (from a pressure cooker with a train whistle?) as the pressure cooker bounces and then explodes causing Maurice to be covered in fruit jam. Maurice couldn't have cared less about it because it's food after all. Mars is not amused as he uses his tail as windshield wipers to clean himself. Well; you have no one to blame but yourself for that one Mars. So the door opens and in comes Norman (I assume that it's another door because otherwise, the door's imprints have disappeared) with a live cow. Yes; the main course is a live cow. Who would have ever thought that Norman was such a advocate for vitalism?! If Norman's last name Adams perchance? The cow moos and he's saying that he hates his life more than Jitters ever will. Norman notices the kitchen and is shocked and appalled. Norman is angry and Mars wants to order out. Of course, Norman has completely forgotten that the animal's name is Marsupilami and Mars has to introduce his name. It's typically a bad sign for a cartoon when the heel and babyface have to have their brains erased every episode. It's okay to introduce yourself again if a new heel or babyface comes into the picture, just to remind the audience who is who; but when you are doing it with the same guys in every episode, that's an insult to the audience and typically means that they are going to change the channel. And of course Mars has to introduce Maurice. Somehow; the basket of fruit is on the counter and Mars makes it clear that it's his, his, his and not Norman.
So sharing is out of question; which is usually a heel move; mostly from certain groups of people who think ideas are property. At least this basket is a physical form of property (at least in storyline); but still, Mars looks like a heel and he's supposed to be the babyface. Norman of course acts dumb; which Mars becomes sarcastic on cue. Norman then throws a pink table cloth on a small coffee table out of nowhere. So Norman bails and pushes Maurice over to the table; and then bails and grabs Mars off-screen and plants him in front of said coffee table. I have no confidence that coffee will be served during this spot; because that would pay off the joke. You see; paying off jokes you set up is for old farts who want to keep the little "creative" guys down. Norman actually sets up some flowers in a vase. 1.5:1 odds Maurice will eat them in the next ten seconds. Norman bails as Mars is so happy about this so called gesture because he's clueless and it took three seconds for Maurice to eat the flowers after sniffing them. That might be a new record for Maurice there folks. So Norman prepares a really, really disgusting meal topped off with the HOT SAUCE OF BURNING DEATH; so you know he's serious in doing a screw job on Mars and Maurice. So Mars and Norman fling sarcastic remarks at each other before Mars eats the food; and he likes it, sort of. He then invokes the FIVE ALARM FLAMETHROWER OF DEATH (Darkwing Duck: Showoff!); and bounces around; turns into a rocket and blasts off while Maurice watches in horror. Turns out to be pointless because Mars lands back at his seat and then invokes the flamethrower breath and burns Norman's chef hat to ashes. Norman is pissed off and Mars continues to fire flame breath and burns the coffee table to ashes. Mars bounces and hiccups flames as he manages to set several areas of the kitchen ablaze. Yes; that was real smart of Norman to cook food for Mars that was hot. Not. Norman panics and brings out the CLOWN SQUIRTER OF LAUGHS to put out the fires. Then Norman does the actual smart thing as he grabs Mars by the tail and squirts water into Mars' mouth which in fact kills off the flamethrower effect. Mars is relieved and calls it heartburn. Mars then grabs the on the counter and tries to bail; but Norman grabs him by the tail because he wants Mars to stay for dessert.
Mars no sells and grabs the basket of fruit; and this leads to more sarcastic remarks and a tug of war on the fruit basket. Zoom in shot of Maurice eating a banana. The cameraman has turned on this feud as Mars decides that he'll let go of the fruit basket and it slingshots right into Norman's midsection and he crashes right into the cupboard of international kitchen objects. Cupboard falls on Norman; causing Norman to break through the cupboard and have a copper jar planted in his head. Norman pops the jug out of his head and then pops his head back to normal. Norman chases Mars like they are in a Hanna Barbera cartoon for a while; and then chase each other like a Disney cartoon. Suddenly; Mars finds a tray with the conveniently placed peach/strawberry JELLO fruit cake. Norman crashes into said tray and lands on top of the Jello Fruitcake; and this jello is so strong that Norman doesn't break through and bounces off of it like a trampoline. SOMEONE FIRE THAT JELLO~! That Jello is tougher than Steve Williams, by god! Norman bounces off the jello and spins around the ceiling fan and he gets fling right onto an empty wheeled tray. Norman seems to have suffered a concussion and is dizzy. Mars goes over and puts lettuce leaves around Norman. Mars then ponders over what he is missing in this whole thing; and he notices Maurice trying to eat an apple. Mars runs in; steals the apple from Maurice and runs back to plop the apple right into Norman's mouth. Norman is stunned as the episode ends at 6:28. Just a bunch of spots to kill time; but at least Mars is likable enough and Norman does make a decent heel, so ** 1/2 (50%).
THE REVIEW LINE
So another bunch of shorts end episode number five of Raw Toonage. The host segment was the best thing in this episode; but it's also the saddest thing in the entire series. It starts off fine; but once the TaleSpin one start, the segment is screwed up so much that I felt sorry for a character I am not supposed to feel sorry for. No wonder Jitters was gone when Bonkers was gone, he was a sad little man that I wanted to help him. The TaleSpin segment is a prime example of why people were gaslit into believing that TaleSpin was disrespected. Change Don Karnage to Kit Cloudkicker and the whole scene would have been different and probably the best part of the entire segment, in spite of the sadism demonstrated by the director. The ending also accented the sadism in one neat package. Jitters is in a 1984 world that is less sadistic than 1984 ever was, and that's saying something! The He's Bonkers segment was just there and Tanya putting out the fire in the fire station was a neat finish to the proceedings. However; it was basically just another cluster muck with cheap artwork and a lot of spots that you could see a mile away and they stopped being funny because they keep explaining the joke. Marsupilami was also mostly a spot fest; but at least Norman is a good enough heel to act like a jerk; but Mars' sarcastic remarks did annoy me really quickly. The finish was fine and the ending was fine, so it was just an average episode. Totally Tasteless Video was another unfunny segment in a series of them where they completely telegraphed the ending before it barely begun. To be fair; the dog talking at the end was funny; but that is about it. The reverse parody of Goldilocks & The Three Bears sucked hard. None of it was funny; and it was so inoffensive that I couldn't get into it. Overall; a mixed bag of shorts with the bad outweighing the good. So....
Thumbs in the middle for Someone's In The Kitchen With Mars, and the host segment; thumbs down for the rest and I'll see you all next time.