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Sony Always Wins, Baby~! 2017 Edition Part II
Reviewed: 04/16/2022
The Cracks Begin To Widen!
So, after the launch, the SAW faction was starting to pull off their narratives that they are currently using on XBOX Series and failing. This edition covers from the first premlin stats of the Nintendo Switch itself, along with a chance encounter with a Nintendo fanboy and then it ends with Splatoon 2 blowing SAW and Bias Confirmation's mind. So, let's rant on shall we...?
"Nintendo Switch Hater Reacts to Switch Selling Over 2 Million Units": If only this aired on April Fools Day, that would have been funnier. Anyhow, the first three videos were fun; but this was one of my top favorites in this series because it was the first sign that Sony fanboys were starting to show signs of panic within the community and thus showing signs that they messed with the wrong piece of plastic. It's one thing to love a multi-million corporation and what they peddle, but when you are talking smack about someone else who normally doesn't fight back; you are not the victim and you are not above being caked in mud from the mudslinging. So, we begin this video with SAW cutting his catchphrase and I'm through counting the number of time he says his catchphrase because it is well above Bubsy's levels. At least SAW is supposed to be an annoying heel in storyline. SAW is sitting on the sofa with his PlayStation Vita. Now, I'm going to show some empathy towards fans of the Sony Vita, which means life, but sold like a lifeless corpse. Still sold better than Wii U though. Sony's attempt at the portable market against Nintendo was actually good when PlayStation Portable came about. Sure, I made fun of it; but PSP sold well and was the best attempt to dethrone Nintendo's portable rule. Sadly, Nintendo DS sold double that; but PSP was doing Gameboy Advance numbers and then some. PSVita wasn't successful and Sony decided to ditch it for mobile. It's kind of sad actually. The music is clearly from Persona 4, so SAW does the zoom in and ponders what to play, and of course he picks Persona 4 Golden, a cross gen game of Persona 4. If you ever want to know why Jim Ryan's "We Believe In Generations!" was stupid and fake, that's why. SAW doesn't even have the honesty to call the game by it's actual name either. He slobbers over the plastic case, speaking of worshipping pieces of plastic. He then just goes to his computer with his PS Vita and then it's gone and we never see it again. HAHA!
It's always funny when SAW teases playing a game and never delivers. Because Sony fanboys play social media and not games. That's why they love chat features on their systems, so they have an excuse to talk smack to someone without playing. SAW turns on his computer and we get the debut of the now infamous "Sony Water" which is basically a bottle of water with a white piece of paper with Sony Water written in marker, just to show how cheap Sony is. SAW takes an ultra long sip and then says "Tastes like Yoshida!". Shuhei Yoshida is a higher up exec at Sony (he was Sony Interactive Entertainment's President at this point) and often accused of non-support of the late Japan Studios (which was still around at this point). By the way, to Youtube users: Always have a script prepared if you are going to enable Closed Captions; because when the machine version did this, the line was "Tastes like your cheetah!" There is a conveniently placed Websters Dictionary in the background as SAW is checking for more bad Nintendo Switch news, because that's all he cares about at this point. Keep in mind, Nintendo Switch was only 28 days old at this point and the fiscal year had just ended for Nintendo. SAW searches for Nintendo Switch Sales and I'm shocked that he didn't enter "bad" to that search. Jump cut and return as SAW reads what is clearly on my screen: "Report: Nintendo Switch has surpassed two million in sales!" Actually, it would be well over two million units, but the official number wasn't released until a month later when Nintendo released their finances. Accouting for a large corporation takes time of course. SAW panics, calls it bull, throws the dictonary at the screen, calls it nonsense and then he crawls onto the floor and is having a panic attack of epic magnitude. SAW doesn't accept this and asks why would people want to buy this system, in one of the most iconic quotes of the ninth generation actually. I explained it in the first rant already, but let's not let facts get in the way of a funny meltdown.
SAW thought it was a flop. Nin10doUltra misspoke as he called it a Wii 2.0; which makes no sense since Wii was a success (and five years later Switch outsold Wii). The Wii U 2.0 narrative was used to discredit the system because Nintendo sort of fell on their sword in marketing the system as a console first. On the other hand, it was a pragmatic decision on Nintendo's part: (1.) Wii U was done and wasn't going to make sales, so cannibalizing it didn't hurt them in the long run and (2) Calling it a hybrid would have cannibalized the Nintendo 3DS, which was still doing okay at this point and they didn't want to step on Pokemon Company's toes when Pokemon Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon was released. Also, the system was selling out; so going all in on the hybrid would have caused even more problems with console shortages. SAW cannot believe people love Zelda over Horizon, that in four weeks, the system has reached two million units. The funniest thing about this meltdown is: Nintendo Switch's launch aligned sales compared to other platforms was mid at best. It wasn't until a year later when the Switch surpassed Wii U's life to date sales that it was realized that Nintendo had turned the corner and Sony was in deep trouble, especially when Microsoft started to turn the corner themselves in the last year or so. So, SAW comes off as a whiny little manchild and I love every single second of this.Also, Youtube's crack CC claims that SAW literally said "don't laugh" even though SAW never said it once during his meltdown. SAW struggles to get onto the sofa again yelling that he doesn't accept this and then calms down and decides to use his laptop and watch some Youtube videos of Horizon beating down Zelda Breath Of The Wild in visuals. This is what I call the "Oooo, shiny" fallacy. Instead of just playing video games and ignoring the numbers which weren't all that great anyway, I have to watch a video comparing details between my favorite game of choice and a game I hate. Because the Nintendo Switch is a weak system, you see. There is NO WAY IN HELL Zelda can beat Horizon in details. It's impossible. Or is it?! HEEHEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!
Okay, so there was a comparison video on Youtube where someone compared Zelda cutting down blades of grass, and even cutting down trees with an axe, literally chopping down a tree in two cuts. It's no where near realistic, but compared to Horizon: Alloy cannot cut anything with the laser sword and everytime her sword hits a tree, it bounces off literally doing no damage. It's like they did photorealism without the actual physics of realism. Sure, Zelda's physics are far from realism, but it's at least believable, both games are works of fiction anyway and Zelda's art style never protrayed realism anyway. Oh, and the Nintendo Switch is supposed to be weak. Oh, and nice way to make Alloy look weak in a scene where she couldn't afford to be. SAW panics on the next set of footage featuring water rendering features and wave techinques. This is what I refered to as the infamous "Alloy splashless incident": When Alloy jumps up and down in water, there is no splash whatsoever. Not even a subtle splash, absolutely none. When Link dives into the water, there is a splash. The splashing effects in Zelda are far more profound than Horizon. Horizon's splash effects are worse than Peppa Pig's, and Peppa Pig's visuals look like a book painted and drawn by a four year old; and even Peppa Pig jumping up and down in muddy puddles has a splash. A laughably unrealistic one, but at least there is a splash and is believable. It was so bad that the developers had to tell everyone that they were putting in splashes AS A FEATURE in the sequel. Spoiler: Alloy swim through the land in the sequel as a giant bug. Now to be fair, these problems with details do not make the game unplayable. Not believable from a logic standpoint, but not unplayable. Horizon Forbidden West is FAR worse than Horizon Zero Dawn: Pop up galore, clipping, the infamous "Alloy Pop-Up Tree incident" and the "Alloy Overblown Happy Feet incident".
Also, the cockroaches thought the sequel was leagues better than the first. They believed the gamed reviews from IGN and then blasted Stevivor for giving a low score despite the fact that even Stevivor's standards seems to be too low as well. SAW accuses the footage of being photo-shopped. SAW runs from the sofa and grabs his bottle of Sony Water. Then he finds a spot in his room and cuts a promo on the floor about how Sony wins and no one can beat them, forgetting Wii and DS of course, but those were non-game systems so it doesn't count, of course. SAW drops his Sony Water and chokes. SAW looks like he's verbally assulting and abusing someone and it's so hilarious that he faints dead away. The final shot of the video is SAW is on the floor in the same position Yamcha from Dragon Ball Z was when he got killed for the first time and they superimpose that same scene from the anime just to complete my day. This was so awesome as SAW is so paranoid now despite Nintendo Switch was technically off to a really slow start.
One final note: The details comparisons show how experience, skill and talent in game development is the most important when the control group is the machine itself. Nintendo at least understands that. While I agree that any compentent programmer can make miracles porting games on Switch (See Saber Interactive and Ninja Theory with World War Z and Hellblade), it also helps when your higher up executives are not ones that have the "I'm not going to get burned by Nintendo again" attitude. Hiroshi Yamaguchi tainted Nintendo for life when he was president of NCL (Nintendo Company Limited) and this must never be repeated again, even if the damage to the reputation was done.
"What Happens When A Switch Hater Meets A Switch Fan!": Uh-oh! Trouble is brewing as SAW is about to interact with others outside of his doctor and Bias Confirmation. This aired on April 28, 2017; which would be around the time Nintendo announced it's end of fiscal 2016 numbers, including the first Nintendo Switch numbers. We begin this one with SAW waking up with his PlayStation 4 on his bed. The joke here is that fanboys treat plastic boxes like their beloved and there might be some boinking going on. Considering the world today, there is far worse things to do in bed, so it would be bad form to kink shame like that. I'm more worried about fanboys pleasuring themselves to these plastic boxes in public and literally in shops than pleasuring themselves like this in the privacy of their own homes. SAW checks his out of nowhere cellphone and we find out that he lives in an apartment and is time sharing it with a room mate. His room mate is supposed to be here later in the day, so SAW decides to check some video game news. Jump cut to him panicking because Nintendo Switch sold 2.74 million units in 28 days, almost 100,000 units per day sold. Not bad, not great; but no matter, SAW is pissed off. He is so triggered by this that he threatens to slice and dice Switches into destruction. He wants to cancel the Switch and erase them from history. Good luck on that SAW, Nintendo systems are more durable than anything Sony's ever created. SAW decides to play Genji for a while because of course he is. Let's play the game that gave us "Giant Enemy Crab" and "Hit it's weakpoint for massive damage!" memes that made that E3 conference the stuff of legends for Sony. And not in a good way, I might add. Jump cut to SAW putting the controller down because it's 2:30 PM, so the room mate is here. SAW gets out of bed and goes out of the room to greet the room mate which is played by Nin10doUltra, using the same movie trick that they use when they want to do the doppelganger spot. SAW's psychopathy is confirmed when he cuts his catchphrase before catching himself to greet the room mate. If I'm the room mate, this is a giant red flag that this guy is a vampire and is going to suck the life out of you.
SAW then forgets to close the door completely and thus the room mate notices the PlayStation 4 in the bed, so even the room mate thinks there is BS going on. SAW assures him that there was no kink involved and was just updating and installing stuff on the console. Yeah, sure SAW. Room mate accepts the excuse and tells him that he will be in the other room unpacking. The room mate gets up and proclaims that he's going to "Switch Up" and leave. Three seconds later, SAW is TRIGGERED~ complete with zoom in and over the top sound and visual effects. Uh-oh! SAW is paranoid again and wondered what the room mate said. In an amazing turn of events, SAW recoils and decides to chill out, thinking it was just a figure of speech and move on. Fade to black and return as the room mate actually confirms SAW's original thought of him by setting up a Nintendo Switch. Yes, SAW was right about this dood from the start, that he's a Nintendo fanboy. Oh, this is going to be epic. Jump cut to SAW outside sniffing the air. Apparently, Sony fanboys have this ability to sniff out the scent of someone who plays Non-Sony games. This is hilarious for several reasons. One, if you recall the first video I reviewed; SAW bought an XBOX controller on-line. So, he's fine if you buy non-Sony controllers, as long as they are not non-Sony games. Two, this means third party games on Sony's own systems are technically bad therefore, Sony exclusives are literally the center of the video game universe, despite the fact that SAW was playing a third party game in the last video! Consistancy?! What's that?! SAW enters the room and we finally have the epic confrontation between SAW and NAW (Nintendo Already Won). Apparently, SAW is the landlord of this time share apartment because all Non-Sony video game stuff is forbidden, including XBOX controllers; because the owners never abide by their house rules anyway. See Nintendo in the 1980's/1990's and Sony in recent years with the "Sony Check".
NAW is playing Nintendo Switch and he kindly blows SAW off because they are just pieces of plastic. Actually, it's more like pieces of silicon wafer boards with acid, metal and plastic, but nuance is never a gamer's friend anyway. SAW isn't letting this one go and then he unleashes the katana from the dream sequence in video #2! NAW NEVER SAW IT COMING~! Yes, the Persona 5 command menu meme is unleashed~! NAW is telling SAW to chill out. Then we get the funniest moment of all time: Remember that Nin10doUltra is using the doppelganger techinque in his videos to create characters without using different actors. Well, by doing this it is completely impossible to film a scene where SAW actually kills NAW. Suddenly, NAW realizes this, we get the record scratch and he points out the obvious that there is no chance in hell that SAW is going to swing the sword at him, let alone kill him. SAW AGREES with him, but then realizes that he only wants to destroy the Nintendo Switch and it's not under the doppelganger rule, thus he can kill it instead. Oh, snap! NAW panics and tells SAW to chill. This is the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. SAW is now at the Nintendo Switch saying that Sony is taking another W tonight, he raises the sword up, says his catchphrase, brings the sword down and before it even has a chance to make contact with the dock, we get the Persona 5 "to be continued" meme to end the video on a cliffhanger. There's your $50 right there folks. Well, until Nin10doUltra's infamous Super Smash Brothers happy dance in late 2018. That might have been even funnier. Or SAW's out of control moment before E3 2019, which might been even funnier than that. Or the "You ain't got the spec sheet, bro!". Don't worry, I'm reviewing all those video in future rants as well. I loved this one more than the last video in hindsight.
Also, a spoiler to the question of what happened afterwards, in the words of Ducktah Wahwee in the comments section of this video:
Narrator: ...... He missed. The NINTENDO SWITCH SURVIVED! LOOKS LIKE SONY LOST, BABY!!!
Indeed.
"Nintendo Switch Hater Reacts to the Switch Outselling the PS4 & Xbox One in July!": This aired on August 18th, 2017, well after Nintendo announced their first quarter results; and since there was nothing of note that they could hate on because of the old "system has no games" meme, they disappeared. This is something Sony fanboys also used recently against XBOX. I'm going to address this right now: It's a dog whistle. It really means "This system has no games I like to play". There was an old EGM Magazine letter to the editor which unintentionally started the meme; but at least that letter said the quiet part out loud. The letter was at least honest about not wanting to buy a system since there was nothing on it that interested them. Here, it's used in a dishonest manner: To basically distract everyone and prevent people from buying systems that might have games that they actually like. It's always been a dog whistle and it works for a while, mostly when the system's library is very small. Nintendo Switch's was slowly starting to bring in record number of the releases for their first year in July and August and by October of 2017, even Nin10doUltra was saying that there were too many games, back when the library was at around 200 games or so. The first aligned year reached 470 games, higher than DS and Wii at their annual peaks! By aligned year five, 2020 games were released in one year, 98.6% of the entire North America Nintendo DS game line up! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, NINTENDO~?! Remember, curation is NOT a toy! Nintendo's overkilled their plan here. Anyhow, we begin this one with SAW in bed with a plastic box containing Crash Bandicoot: N-Sane Trilogy, a third party game, breaking his own rule in the previous video! Oh, but that's false, you say. Crash Bandicoot was a Naughty Dog/Sony game. It doesn't count as a non-Sony game. Well, I'm going to go all Sid Seixeiro on you after claiming that chips and nachos are the same and blow your minds: Crash Bandicoot is not a Sony property and never was a Sony IP! It was a Universal Studios property and Sony loaned it for four years in the beginning days of the PlayStation, basically as an non-subtle dig on Sonic and Mario.
Crash's fursuit literally drove to NOA headquarters and called Mario's ass out in one of the commercials. Sure, I laughed my ass off in hindsight now, because Sony never actually owned Crash, but it was a big deal in 1996. Then Universal got the rights back and put Crash and Spyro on other consoles and portables, including the Nintendo ones. Oh, and whatever exclusive rights Sony had to bring the trilogy to PlayStation died a few years later when this same trilogy was released on the Switch. As Doctor Cupcakes would say: Every platforming game bends the knee to Nintendo/Mario at the end of the day. Indeed! At least SAW is more into playing games on Sony than usual. However, before we have a chance to do that, SAW grabs the box and wonders how Crash fared on the top NPD charts. Whenever NPD is involved, I take their rankings with a grain of salt. Without hard numbers in units and revenue -- which they call dollar sales, which is fine -- but my issue with NPD is transparency. Changing the name of revenue does not promote transparency. Releasing the hard figures does. So, the rankings mean nothing to me. As much as I'm happy for certain people leaking out these figures; it doesn't promote transparency either. Yeah, I'm not a fan of this opaque reporting. SAW brings out a laptop and is loving life so much that this just makes the bad news he's going to get even more funny. So, he searches for NPD charts and discovers that Nintendo Switch outsold PS4 and XBOX One in July 2017 and he panics. He even goes as far as saying that this is all fake news, like a Donald Trump supporter because Sony Always Wins, that's a fact and it's not alternate facts. If he thinks this is bad, wait until Nintendo Switch is surpassing units and revenue 33 months in a row and having over 3 years of dominance, like winning 33 straight matches at Wrestlemania. Not even the Undertaker would have a streak like the Nintendo Switch has had. I mean in January 2022, Nintendo being in third place in both units and dollars was a big deal because it's been many YEARS since that has happened to Nintendo Switch. Nintendo Switch rebounded back to first place the next month, but still. The cancer music is unbearable at this point as SAW cannot believe that the Nintendo Switch is not dead on arrival and people are spending money on a kiddie console with no games.
It's hilarious that he's calling the system kiddie while having no problem playing a video game with the same target audience as Mario and Sonic: kids. This shows insecurity and projection in equal orders on SAW's part. By the way, it's even more hilarious calling the console kiddy when this system has the most M-rated games in Nintendo history, in an amount that surpasses N64's, Gamecube, Gameboy and Gameboy Color entire lineup of games. Emphasis on just games. Meaning including M-rated games, if there were any. Then again, Nintendo treats curation like a toy nowadays. Still much better than Steam's lack of curation. So, after SAW whines about reality for a while, he decides to see if he can salvage this segment and save face by checking to see how Crash Bandicoot did, it ended up as #2. For a remake trilogy; this was impressive. So, who is #1?! Now, a reasonable answer would be Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto 5 because they stay in the top of the charts for many years and everyone is surprised when the video game industry is considered stagneted. Not this time! Oh, no! That wouldn't make SAW panic because the #1 game is...wait for it...zoom in shot... SPLATOON 2! Yes! That game and SAW is pleading for this not to be the infamous game where you shoot ink on the floor and is in the same target audience as Crash Bandicoot, but SAW lacks incredible self-awareness. SAW searches and we then see footage of Splatoon 2 as the machine CC claims that SAW said that the Inklings were "shooting cake on the floor and swimming in the duct tape!" See, the cake was a lie after all. Youtube CC is awesome! SAW calls it a kiddie game while projecting himself as usual. Logic, reason, ethics, morals and the rule of law don't matter because SONY MUST ALWAYS WIN~! SAW is so offended by this that he literally pours Sony Water from a bottle into a cup and drinks up, and then pours it on his head, because the image of Splatoon 2 made him so "dirty" that he had to "re-bapitize" himself. This is literally "plastic box as a religious cult" level idoicy and it's a thousand percent more creepy and less cool than the Gadget Hackenwrench Cult in Russia. Ponder that for a moment and despair. SAW then calls Bias Confirmation because this is totally unacceptable right now.
The scariest part is: Splatoon 2 isn't even a top ten selling Nintendo Switch game anymore and it sold 13 million units. Last of Us 2 wishes it got that many units sold. I assure you, Naughty Dog's creators of that game fume every day wondering how they couldn't get their "game of the generation" to bypass 21 Nintendo Switch games! SAW and Bias Confirmation exchange notes and hate on Nintendo Switch for awhile. Bias in the first video was confident and was strong, certain that this system would be crushed instantly. Now, the cracks are showing and he's not sure about himself, talking like he doesn't know why this is happening, and basically blaming the victims for buying Nintendo Switch over PlayStation 4's. No one cares about XBOX until Game Pass and Series at this point, sadly. Bias cannot understand why this is happening. Why didn't you just listen to the customers who told you that they didn't have to buy two/three seperate systems to play Nintendo games anymore, which was the whole deal maker of this system. Yes, Nintendo marketed it as a console first. Word of mouth knew it was a hybrid and that was even better than Nintendo's own marketing. When it comes to Nintendo, word of mouth is the dealmaker/dealbreaker, and something even the gaming media cannot understand. That's why they try to crush it first and then when that fails, they ignore it and hope it goes away. Nintendo started the ninth generation (console and portable) while creating their own generation that neither competing console nor portable could match, and now no one can figure out how to stop them. Bias is cracking under pressure and crying on the phone after being so strong in the first video. He's still in denial about Sony but the cracks are clearly shown for all to see and he hangs up. Bias then turns around and heads into the closet before cutting back to SAW deciding to drink more Sony Water and proclaims that he'll sit and drink until the Nintendo Switch fails, even if it takes a hundred years. That day is never going to come, SAW; Switch is going to be the highest selling closed ecosystem system of all time, breaking the 160 million units glass ceiling, and will do it without a DVD player and a barebones entertainment center features at best. You should be demanding better from Sony, but Sony thinks you are a bigger threat than Nintendo is. This ends the video. Kind of a sad video in hindsight considering how Crash Bandicoot is now radioactive thanks to it's proxy with Activision.
The Review Line - These videos covered nearly six months of the Nintendo Switch's run, back when Switch's game lineup was similar to Nintendo 3DS' run before July came to put on the jets. However, the signs of greatness for Nintendo Switch were starting and the cracks of the Sony fanboys were getting wider. SAW's confirmation bias buddy doesn't know what to do anymore and it's going to get even worse in the next string of video as SAW loses two major battles in one video. As a hint: This is the infamous "You ain't got the spec sheet, bro!" video and it's the best video of the entire "Sony Always Wins" skits. The quotes, the acting, the overdramatic panic of SAW and NAW just telling it like it is. After that, it's "Paid Review", "The Award Shows Are Rigged" and then a final video where SAW loses it completely and nearly loses his life because Nintendo Switch is the fastest selling console of all time. Okay, it's not. It will be in five years when it reaches 100 million units faster than any system not named Nintendo DS, but that is neither here nor there and by that time, it was clear that the SAW skits ceased being funny, especially when we had a real SAW person like Malkimum "drinking bleach", calling XBOX fans criminals, school shooters, calling the head of XBOX Series Adolf Hitler and then tried to cover up knowing that his video was going to be taken down. Hell, at times Malkimum even sounds like SAW. Just surreal. I also love that he goes for minutes bashing Sony, Microsoft, and Youtube influnencers, but when it comes to Nintendo, Malkimum simply says "Nintendo is trash" and that's it. Even Malkimum knows not to poke the damn Mario.