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The Adventures Of Teddy Ruxpin: The Crystal Book
Reviewed: 10/13/2018
A Fob Creating Musical Crystals?! That's Unhearable!
Well; it's time to start what might be the one episode where only three total minutes of it means anything in the grand scheme of thing. So, in this episode; Fuzz plays musical glowing crystals, Gimmick invents a personality tester and Tweeg fails at life over and over again. You would think that Fuzz would be compelling at least; but... How does this episode fare? So; let's rant on shall we...?
Episode opens outside Gimmick's house and coming into frame is Grubby with a basket as we scene change to inside Gimmick's living room as Teddy is sitting on the sofa "reading" what appears to be the Crystal Book as he's flipping pages. In comes Grubby with the basket of grundleberries; which means that the strawberries are back to being the show's version name for strawberries instead of being the legit real world name for strawberries in The Faded Fobs. Sigh. Then logic rears it's ugly head as there are two baskets of berries on the very next shot. Double sigh. Grubby hopes that the Crystal Book is a cook book. I was hoping that the Crystal Book did contain a mini cookbook in their records, but alas; it didn't. Teddy shows Grubby a page containing two crystals, but with writing on them; which wasn't shown on the crystals in the page for the second logic break in the episode barely thirty seconds in. So, we flashback and at least this scene is pretty much identical to the scene in episode number five, so I can accept it. We return to reality (no, not really) as Grubby has forgotten the most important episode in the entire series thus far; so, he's an episodic fan. Teddy decides to go upstairs and ask Gimmick about this book and he and Grubby go upstairs as Gimmick and Fuzz are at their scientist table playing around with the crystals and a xylophone. We exchange notes for a long time as Fuzz is hopping on the xylophone and providing the only real entertainment for me at this point. Gimmick is fixing some gray box thingie/thingy/whatever with a screwdriver as Teddy brings out the crystal sack with the crystals. Didn't Teddy make the crystal belt at this point? Continuity is not this show's strong point and that's just with crowd shots. So, Gimmick's new invention is an automatic music machine and science takes time, you see. Grubby claims that Gimmick has admitted that he don't know what he is doing. So, Teddy and Grubby leave with the Crystal Book as Gimmick claims that he'll look at it when the music machine is finished and Grubby zings him with claiming that he's not the only one who can figure things out. Ouch! Gimmick screwdrives the screwdriver into the box, talking like a technologist while Fuzz is hopping on the xylophone again and this time, the thing is causing the crystals to glow randomly on cue. Gimmick takes out his absurd looking screwdriver for fun as he loves music and don't care about what is really going on. Fuzz is not amused, neither am I.
So, scene change to outside of Elinore's house as Tweeg is protesting this outrage as we head into a hallway with Tweeg at a desk with lots of books and a chain mace like object. Either Elinore gave him the most ill-forming chair in history; or Tweeg is legit kneeling on the ground and the chair behind him is just a decoy. Tweeg looks in the conveniently placed mirror and it just like a scawny little manager who hides before his wrestlers who are willing to do his dirty provided they get paid. Which is a heel move by the way. Elinore is doing the ugly sweet talking routine to perfection I might add, which causes Tweeg to unintentionally swing the mace and the spike mace ball shatters the conveniently placed mirror. Then Tweeg drops the mace and it's foot-grabbing spot time as LB bounces in. Tweeg and LB really need to step up their game today; because this episode is going to be more pointless than a Thursday Night Football game. LB rubs it in that Tweeg works for him and Tweeg still cannot believe Quellor would stoop to such a low, but he did and Elinore is not a liar. Which is bad because that is defamtory to a monster heel. Alway lie and always deny is the heel's number one motto. Too bad Elinore and LB are telling the truth here; which turns them babyface and I cannot imagine Elinore as a babyface. LB as one I can, since I have seen him be one during the Hate Plague arc. Elinore then accuses Tweeg of not reading. But wait; doesn't reading turn someone babyface? So, this is not going to work because not being able to read makes you a perfect heel, am I right? Elinore is disgusted with this as Tweeg is stammering, so he's lying. Too bad lying to another heel doesn't count on the MAVO Bad Deeds Checklist~! LB retorts that one for me and Tweeg claims that LB couldn't manage slime and LB agrees with me, so what? Elinore scolds LB and tells him to show a little respect and LB claims that he's showing as little as trolly/grungely possible. Elinore wants Tweeg out of the house because there's a lot of work to be done and Tweeg is already in full panicky/crowdly/whiny mode. He makes the perfect bigot actually. Elinore blows him off as Tweeg calls this whimpering and LB calls this pitiful. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. So we head outside as the heels go to the wagon and LB and Elinore want to make Tweeg pull the wagon for a change, even though Elinore already did that to Tweeg back when she officially debuted. Triple sigh.
So, Tweeg is forced to pull the wagon and proclaims that there is at least one thing he did on the MAVO checklist, and once again; somehow, Tweeg was able to do senseless vandalism on Elinore's house. You better hope Elinore doesn't turn her head to look back because you won't be going forward much longer, Tweet. That out of nowhere spot went nowhere of course as we head back to Gimmick's house and to the living room as Teddy and Grubby are exchanging notes as Teddy is hoping for a sign when we hear what I can best describe as the 1980's version of Electroplanken. Grubby assumes that Gimmick has finished his experiment, and Teddy and Grubby both go upstairs. Scene change to upstairs and Gimmick claims that he is not exactly finished his experiment. Exactly is completely redundant and inaccurate, Newton. Gimmick claims that he has a few adjustments to make on the box as Teddy finally notices the crystals glowing and trying to get Gimmick's attention; but Gimmick isn't buying that the crystals can glow just like that. So Teddy just shows Gimmick that the crystals can glow and Gimmick stammers like an idiot. He just keeps doing this to himself. Fuzz keeps playing as the words are showing up on the crystals again and Grubby's is the same as before, but Gimmick's is called inventiness. Wait, what? Shouldn't it be imagination? Was creativity Canadian trademarked for some reason? Teddy's is generousity? Wasn't it originally friendship? Okay, now I'm more confused than Grubby most of the time. Gimmick somewhat explains the situation and I got to ask: Are they sure it's the crystal holder; or is it all of Fuzz's personality traits? Because if it's the later, than Fuzz is automatically the most complex character of this show. So, basically; the writers knew that this episode is complete time filler; so, it;'s time for the TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM and this one looks like a 24*Off Broadway musical complete with crystals flying and sparkling into the night sky. Yes; the crystals themselves have a song that Teddy sings on their behalf. I know materialism is a thing; but this is absurd even by that lofty standard. The song is all right; but it's in the middle of a boring episode and is designed to kill time and show off the animation budget to it's fulliest on this show. Which really isn't much. And they show footage from previous episodes and the crystals are now just creating words for the sake of it when Teddy touches them.
Next shot of the Crystals in the Crystal Book has two lines on them now. Next shot of the crystals in the night sky; the sparkles do not match properly with the flight direction. Awkward. And Teddy cannot even say die at this point because apparently growing too old prevents him from thinking. So, Teddy is immortal now? Geez; no wonder he gets so much heat. Now Teddy is surrounded by EIGHT crystals, even though he has only SIX crystals. No one on this show cares anymore; which is apporos for such a pointless song in a pointless episode. Then it multiplies by dozens now as this animation team is clearly trying to get a contract with another show at this point. Reflections galore as the crystal fly away from the hard camera in the night sky to end the segment nine and a half minutes in. Which contains little of note I might add. This is somewhat solid; but my goodness, this was boring so far.
After the commercial break; we head into the mountains with Tweeg pulling the wagon and LB/Elinore sitting in said wagon. LB and Elinore exchange notes about nursey school as Elinore claims that Tweeg was awful in nursey school because he did nothing wrong. HAHA! So, the wagon stops and we see Wooly with three Fobs each having lollipops because it's time for stealing candy from a baby. Which Tweeg has no idea what's up. Or maybe Tweeg does remember the last time he attempted to steal candy from that elf/woodsprite in a previous episode. Heck; Wooly is RIGHT THERE in plain sight with the Fobs, so even Tweeg knows this is a bad idea. However; due to the power of the horrible heel move known as bullying, threatening and peer pressure, Tweeg must do this to prove his worth to MAVO. Tweeg claims that mommy knows best; which is like claiming that Hulk Hogan knows best, or Donald Trump knows best. Both are orange goblins anyway, except Donald Trump has all the power now and Hulk has almost nothing at this point. Tweeg is pumping himself up like a toxic macho man and LB claims that Tweeg is confusing burgler with bungler. Also true. Tweeg gets on his mark and it's clear LB knows Wooly's there because he certainly not only isn't he going to stop Tweeg in making a fatal mistake; he's almost daring him so. So, Tweeg jumps over the bushes and steals the lollipops off-screen, so maybe it wasn't smart to blow the budget on the pointless song in the middle of the pointless episode. The Fobs protest, Wooly runs in, Tweeg is done for, as usual. I typed all this five minutes before it happened since it was in the preview in the last episode. The only funny part of this is that you don't trust a green stranger, which in wrestling terms means a rookie stranger. So Tweeg is basically admitting that he is a sucker for failure. A big bully? Wooly; you are much bigger than Tweeg. He's a tiny bully, with bigger hands than Donald Trump. Tweeg has at least studied the art of shoving a sucker down someone's throat. Is that on the MAVO Bad Deeds Checklist? So, Wooly blows him off and tosses him stage left; showing that he's a bigger bully than Tweeg is; because Tweeg was going to bail anyway. Tweeg bonks into Elinore on the wagon, so man on woman violence is allowed in this show and they take MAN-SIZED bumps into the back of the cart and land on the ground behind it.
LB laughs because knocking over old ladies isn't on the checklist, which disappoints me greatly. Elinore blows off Tweeg in kind as Tweeg whimpers as usual. So, we head back to Gimmick's house as Teddy loses his legs almost completely while recaping the Crystal thing again. When the voice actor sounds bored, it is generally a sign that this episode is boring the talent as well. Not a good sign. Gimmick thankfully sounds a lot more excited as his invention is completed and he comes downstairs and after 12 minutes or nothing; the big reveal is Gimmick's new invention which looks like a portable vacuum cleaner gun. Gimmick calls it a Crystal Sethoscope; which believe it or not, actually goes somewhere. Sadly; it means little until the Hate Plague Arc, as Grubby is confused as Gimmick explains that the music machine was scrapped basically. Teddy calls this complicated as Grubby calls this par for the course, basically. And now we have to waste time with the TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM, this time; it's Gimmick's theme for I believe the first time in this series. Already ranted on it in Gimmicks, Gadgets & Gizmos, so it's not worth it. This was also clearly done to kill time. They end this one with the trio literally watching a movie and eating popcorn. Pfft; whatever. So we return to reality (no, not really) as Gimmick explains that he just aims the lens at someone, fires a beam and a word appears on one of the crystal. However; before he can demonstrate it, there is a knock on the door and it takes a long time for Gimmick to go answer the door. This is clearly padding at this point because they only had enough content for an eleven minute episode. Outside the door is Tweeg dressed up almost exactly like Elinore and I know this because Elinore has the Gruffi pose on full blast and blowing off LB's laughing. They are really running out of insults to fling on LB since he's now an oversized comma. Oh; and LB hops off the wagon because he'll miss his cue to laugh at Tweeg for failing at life once again. So, Gimmick opens the door and Teddy and Grubby watch on as Tweeg does the most unconvincing old lady routine ever and I just realized that Tweeg looks exactly like he did in episode number five. And of course, the babyfaces minds have been wiped clean of this incident; although considering how unrealible brains are, this might be a self-wipe. So, Tweeg is selling a spray can of Anti-Bounder repellant; so at least Tweeg gets what Gimmick hates. Still don't know why he hates.
So, Tweeg Lady demonstrates it as LB comes out and gets sprayed. LB's acting is awkward to say the least and it sounds like sneezing powder to me as LB bails on cue. Gimmick then tells Tweeg that he will be subject to an experiment and flashes the Crystal Sethoscope lens into Tweeg's eyes and the word on the crystal says "greedy". This causes Gimmick and company to go back inside and slam the door as Gimmick claims that his invention never lies. In this case: Yup. Tweeg runs back to the wagon and is flustered like a Tweeg...oh wait. Elinore and LB blow him off as a failure. So, Elinore steals her dress back, which LB admitted earlier and proclaims that she's the pro as LB wants to sell tickets on this thing. Geez; and people wonder why LB is the perfect babyface? So, Elinore dresses up like a woman and somehow Teddy is looking out the window of the house and thinks she's Tweeg. Shouldn't that scene be after Tweeg was heading back to the wagon? Please, I begging for this episode to end right now. Grubby and Gimmick are relieved to have not bought anything from that failure at life. My words, not theirs. Then Teddy notices that "Tweeg" is going to try again, but they are ready this time as they open the door. Elinore is in full heel mode here as I wonder why she bothered disguising herself because this is dumb since the trio still thinks she's Tweeg. The babyfaces laugh at her expense because she's a heel salesman. So, yes; it's official: Tweeg is much better at doing this swindling thing then his own flesh and blood. There are no words in the English language that are good enough to describe this moment. As funny as that moment was; what happens next is not funny: Grubby and Gimmick basically assaulting Elinore in ripping her hair and face off. That was terrible and Elinore is screaming and she panics, calls them all crazy and runs off and the trio laughs at her expense once again. What a bunch of scoiopaths these three are?! This makes the incident with the clone look a lot less creepy. LB of course laughs at her expense; but only because she failed harder than Tweeg. Meaning that he's a better babyface than the entire trio put together in this setup, and LB is supposed to be a heel. STUPID!
Elinore is angry and insulted. More like assaulted to me as Tweeg pleads to go back; but Elinore is having none of that and wants to go home. And Tweeg has to pull the wagon, along with LB because he insulted her. LB proclaims that he knew this arrangement was too good to last. So, I guess Elinore has taken over as supervisor now. So, we head back in the living room as the trio wraps this pointless episode up with them going to the sofa and after some more logic breaks; we finally serve those grundleberries Grubby picked earlier and Grubby wants Teddy to be genreous. So, we still have two minutes to go; so that means the TEDDY RUXPIN SONG OF DOOM has to pad the running time some more, with probably the most selfish, self-centered song of the entire Teddy Ruxpin music box: Being proud to be me! This came after Gimmick and Grubby assaulted Elinore. What a terrible way to end this episode at 19:11?! Fuzz claiming that he was glad to be Fob was the only funny thing about this song. Lots of mirrors, Grubby weighing himself on the largest scale I have ever seen and Teddy had a spoon. That was it actually. This was the epitome of a pointless episode that was sloppy in spots and with logic breaks galore, but it did setup the CS perfectly for the Hate Plague Arc, that is for sure. They could have easily put the preview for the next episode to replace it; and nothing new would be lost. * 3/4 (35%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; I was dreading this episode because there really was not much of note in this episode as a whole. The story itself was fine as it was; but there wasn't anything great about it. Tweeg stealing candy from a baby was dumb because he already failed at it earlier in the series and Wooly was in plain sight for everyone to see, making Tweeg look like a bigger idiot than he already was. Tweeg failing as a salesperson was funny until Elinore tried to do it and it turned into a really awful moment of Gimmick and Grubby pulling on Elinore's hair and nose. Even if she is a horrible person, stooping to her level is horrible. And it's also sexist because they thought it was Tweeg and man-on-man violence is okay. And then they laugh at her and then sang the third song in this episode alone, which showed that the writers couldn't get from point A to point B without singing since they were running short. The fact that it took over thirty seconds of promo cutting just to answer the door was a sign that they were forced to reach, just to fill nineteen minutes out. Even the Tweeg/LB segments were not impressive, there was general sloppiness in terms of continuity and logic (the crystal words in particular) and most of it wasn't funny. In fact, the funniest moment of the episode was when Elinore was claiming that Tweeg was bad in nursey school because he done nothing wrong. And as much as I love Gimmick's theme; it couldn't save this pointless episode either. Literally; the only thing of note was the Crystal Sethocope and that's not going to be a factor until the Hate Plague Arc when Gimmick uses it on the Hermit. Overall; this was a boring, pointless and heatless episode with a horrible finish and ending. Next up; the return of the Mud Bulps because no one can leave those poor knuckleheads alone. Already a more compelling episode than this one, too. Wow; this might be the shortest episode rant I have ever done actually. Worse; the Crystal Book stuff literally had one page of new stuff and it was something we already knew. DUMB! So...
Thumbs down for this episode and I'll see you all next time.