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Ducks By Nature
Reviewed: 04/22/2011
When in doubt; throw in a space alien!
Welcome kiddies to the 2011 edition of Easter Sadism as I return to one of the worst series in all of DTVA. No; it's not Fluppy Dogs, I already ranted on that one for the Fathers Day specials. It's back to 1996, Quack Pack and those “push the crappy button” nephews. Unlike the last time when I was ranting on the DVD; this time I'll be picking what I think are the worst episodes in Quack Pack history. Think of this as the Disney version of the Agony Booth; but without the HD pictures. Our first victim is this episode which was considered so terrible that the writers literally went on Usenet to apologize for it. It was also the first signs of the BS&P notes which I still believe were issued during the TaleSpin run when the writers got too much freedom for Eisner's health. Basically; this episode is about the QP nephews trying to be like Junior Woodchucks. Yeah; like that isn't a car wreck just waiting to happen. So; let's rant on shall we...?!
This episode is written by John Behnke, Rob Humphrey and Jim Peterson. The story is edited by Doug Langsdale. All four guys you know from Darkwing Duck and I won't give them a tribute until I rant on Darkwing Duck again. I'll mention names but I'm not going to waste a tribute for them for this crap when there are better shows to do that. I do not have any clue who did the animation since Juan F. Lara didn't note that in his review of this very episode.
Opening Moment #1: The title card shows the nephews with oversized green backpacks oodling over our SEXIST “GIRL” OF THE DAY who is taking pictures of a yellow butterfly on a stump. She looks like what Webby Vanderquack might look like (blond hair, grey shorts, sneakers, red backpack and purple baseball cap) if BS&P got their grubby paws on her. Oh and as you will see; the scare quotes around girl is there for a very good reason.
We begin this one with a shot of a log cabin with a butterfly flying in and man; the artwork is downright crappy. I mean; there is no wood grain whatsoever; and the everything looks like a professional coloring book at best. Then we get logic break #1 for the episode barely ten seconds in as we zoom out and find out that OMG it's a MAGAZINE~! Oh come on guys; we know Donald likes television in the opening; so why bother with the logic break? We also get the narrator of doom just to annoy me as Donald is reading about the wilderness challenge. See; this will build character as Donald flips the page and suddenly the artwork actually gets better. The narrator asks if the nephews are lazy and have no incentive. Then we cut to the nephews eating popcorn, sipping soda and lying (both ways) on the top of the couch in that order. In other words; Louie is fully lazy and has zero incentive while Dewey has the most incentive and effort and Huey is somewhere in between. Donald is not amused as he answers darn tootin which the narrator repeats (Riiiiigggghhhhtttt) as we look at the main pictures again and the pictures now have some detail for logic break #2 for the episode barely thirty seconds in. The narrator proclaims that the team wilderness challenge is their solution. If only sir; if only. You need to make them stop pushing the crappy button like they do that panic button in the opening to make this work.
So Donald goes to the television set as it's playing Aladdin The Animated Series. I know this because the genie's blue mug is on now and Donald turns the television set off. Good for him; if the nephews want to watch television; show them Ducktales or TaleSpin. Then they'll understand why they suck as characters; plus realize how far they have fallen since being with Scrooge. Dewey protests this outrage so badly that he actually forgets what the hell he was watching to begin with. Donald shows the magazine of doom and the nephews beg for mercy so badly that Kit Cloudkicker would kick their asses if he could get himself out of the burial tomb Eisner put for him. Do you get the feeling no one wanted to do this episode? Donald tries to explain the story; but the nephews cut him off talking about how he lived through a month with berries and tying a bear up with rubber bands; which the nephews blow off as BS. Oh; and their acting on that is crappy as well. Dewey grabs the magazine and proclaims that this will NEVER happen as the nephews do the Gruffi pose in crappy stereo.....
….and then we jump cut segue as the nephews are in front of the log cabin as we zoom out. The nephews are so lazy that we don't even bother to see them kicking and screaming into this scene beforehand. Dewey looks at the picture and proclaims that it looks exactly like the picture. Of course it does Dewey; it's called Truth in Advertising. Idiots! We pan east and one of the cabins collapses right on cue. Okay; that was the first cute spot of the episode barely 90 seconds in. Then we see a really fat, out of shape mallard who sounds like Cam Clarke wearing a red sweater with the number 42 in purple letters; purple shorts and a purple/red baseball cap. He has a green backpack. I'm guessing this guy is our Doofus Drake in the Quack Pack world as the nephews address him as Gustav (Juan F. Lara has him as Gustav Goose voiced by Cam Clarke). Gustav asks for backpacks and Huey proclaims that Donald is trying to get them off the roof of the car as Donald cannot untie the ropes from the roof of the car. He then gets snapped and flings west with an off-screen wussy bump. Donald climbs back on (well; at least he's no selling that bump which is nice) as he tries again to no dice. Louie asks why Gustav is in the gross forest and Gustav unveils the BLUE BOOK OF DOOM entitled “Hiking Your Way To Inner Peace” which shows a human boy zombie walking with a blindfold on his way to crashing into the conveniently placed tree. HAHA! The nephews are not amused as Gustav opens the books and clears his throat as Gustav talks about wisdom being found in every poison ivy rash and the nephews scratch themselves right on cue. Wow; that book has super powers. Must be the Satanist version of inner peace. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ZAP! OUCH! Ummmm....
Gustav asks what they think and the nephews proclaims that hiking munches. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Are they saying that hiking is equal to carpet munching? I need an Crappy Nephew to English guidebook to figure that one out and I doubt the LIBERAL RED BOOK OF LIES THE KIDS EDITION...POW! OUCH! Ummmm; I mean the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook is going to help me on this one. Donald pulls the rope up and the rope screws him by snapping back and tying his neck down. HAHA! Donald is trying hard not to make this one suck; but it's too steep a climb at this point. Yes; I'm ignoring the obvious “Why would the nephews hate hiking when they were Junior Woodchucks” for two reasons: (1) Quack Pack is different from Ducktales and (2) I was a cub scout once and I turned into the Quack Pack nephews within four years afterwards. So it is quite possible Mr. Barat. The nephews want to make a break for it as Dewey ponders turning his flashlight into a death ray (death reference#1 for the episode) and Louie and Huey tongues stick out like sore thumbs literally. Dewey waves his hands on them and knocks on heads; but no sells abound.
Dewey scratches his brain pan (which squeaks I might add) and then turns around and is SHOCKED as we see the golden version of the SEXIST “GIRL” OF THE DAY (from the title card of course) sitting on a stump watching a butterfly with a spotlight on her. That's right folks; a SPOTLIGHT in the woods in broad daylight. Logic break #3 for the episode as the spotlight moves when she and the butterfly moves. Dewey drools as Huey oodles with him. OH TAG! For those who thought 1950's Daisy Comics was sexist; watch on because this is going to really grind my gears for the rest of the episode. Gustav addresses her as Suzy McIder (voiced by Tara Strong; aka Tara Chardenof which I already gave a tribute to her in Fish Hooks I do believe) as she takes a photo of a pink flower on the stump. So the nephews all run in and but into the camera as Huey waves to her as Suzy is downright clueless to the situation because she's taking pictures. She wants to be a photographer and she invokes the XEON FLASH OF DEATH on the nephews and they grow all bashful because she took their picture. What F'N ever nephews.
And of course because they are sexist idiots; they argue over who got their picture taken first. Pushing and shoving ensure. Zzzzzzzz. That is finally stopped as a human who looks nine feet tall with yellow teeth that make Chum-Chum's teeth look normal and is welding an axe. Seriously; that is what he has in his left hand. He looks like a moronic version of Paul Buyan. He addresses himself as Beef Jerky (CUE OMINOUS MUSIC! Voiced by Brad Garrett) and he's the leader of the pack. Okay; that name makes no sense whatsoever. Why not call him Lodge Camper? That would make sense as a name for the episode that they were shooting for. He also hates jokes about his name as the nephews back up. If he was called Lodge Camper then I could name a few jokes that would work. Beef Jerky not so much as Beef is happy that they didn't try him. He welcomes them to the Team Wilderness Challenge; or as he calls it the Team Wilderness Death March (death reference #2). Oooookkkkkkkaaaayyyyy. Also there is only one law: Don't (insert swear word here) with Beef Jerky as Donald snaps and flies doing the MISSILE OF DEATH right into Beef's midsection and taking a pretty impressive bump off-screen. Sadly; it's still not nearly as cool as Kit's missile into Baloo's midsection in Plunder and Lightning Part One. We then see that Beef managed to cut a tree ¾'s of the way as Donald wiggles his legs around as his head is buried in Beef's chest.
Beef grabs Donald by the ass and he's PISSED as the nephews cower in fear while Beef calls Donald a city wimp. Someone needs to tell him about the cartoon short where Donald was a lumberjack. I'm sure his shorts were in the same universe as Quack Pack. Oh man; that was more disturbing than I had intended. Donald then get pissed off of course (YAY!) and wants to MURDER Beef; but Beef throws him away and Donald takes the worst bump ever as he lands on his head on a stump. Seriously; it's like he gets stuck in the stump when he should have bounced off. Logic break #4 for the episode. Dewey defends Donald's honor by repeating the stories Donald told them in the beginning of the episode. Yeah; how convient for the nephews to praise Donald after blowing off his story at the beginning of the episode (which was actually quite plausible to begin with)? Oh and the acting still has the nephews sounding sarcastic. Donald wants them to shut the hell up because apparently; those stories are BS stories. I don't believe that for a second. I think those happened; but Donald is too rusty. Donald wiggles his finger and teeth smiles as Beef sees this as a dare and proclaims that he normally doesn't take adults on the hike; but he'll make an exception. Donald seemly wants to weasel his way out of this; but Beef invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH proclaiming that he's coming because he wants to see who's the better woodsman. Oh; and he calls him city wimp. Something tells me that insult is going to be laid on thick before this episode is over which shows just how shallow the writers were at this point.
Beef is enjoying this as he calls everyone a slug and yells so weakly that the power of suggestion allows everyone to over sell barrel rolls since we are hiking at the crack of dawn BABEE! So we logically go to the scene changer and we hike up a hill to fetch a pail of city wimp nuts. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... Suzy is leading, Beef gets the canoe, Gustav is behind everyone and Donald gets the backpack bigger than his body weight spot. I should note that they didn't even bother to build up to this scene as it's clearly noon time now. Although; the background art is still better than in Darkwing Duck's take on this plotline; that much I'm sure. See; I can praise Quack Pack when it deserves it. Donald is wearing his hiking gear from the Lumberjack short so at least the writers were smart enough to watch that short. Donald crawls on his knees as Beef walks in front and calls him city wimp. That's number three in case you are counting.
Donald struggles to get up and does get up calling this a piece of cake. So Beef decides to throw his stuff right onto Donald for good measure. Okay; you hate Donald; we get it Beef! Donald struggles and then gets flatted by too much weight of course. Gustav walks by reading his book proclaiming that a wise man always said that don't always carry more than you can carry. Well; that's good to know you useless fatass. Anyhow; we cut to a shot of a fur less deer at a cliff and then pan southeast to another cliff where Suzy is trying to take her camera. Louie walks in asking about the deer as Suzie proclaims that she's getting a shot of the rattlesnake Louie just stepped on as Louie looks down and there's the snake from Road To Macadamia. Seriously. This would have been a lot more effective if we saw the snake IN the shot where Suzie was loading the camera up BEFORE Louie stepped in. Logic break #5 for the episode barely five minutes in as Louie panics and jumps like he has three superballs up his ass. Oh and his picture gets taken anyway for no real reason. Man; Suzie is turning into a bad plot device at this point.
Scene changer as we see Suzie dropping down the cliff on her line as she prepares her camera and when we get the camera shot we see Huey walk in to greet her. At least here; Huey's charming is apporos since he is the rotten, dirty sexist of the trio. See; this is the general problem with the nephews: The Ducktales nephews were physically hard to tell apart without the colors and yet they all had different personalities. Here; the Quack Pack nephews look different; but they act the exact same way. So you basically waste two extra voice talents on three characters that would have been better using just one character. Suzy is so damn clueless as she is actually waiting for the next geyser to erupt. Huey then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY as he is on the rock spout (at least the logic works here) and we have our water pillar as Huey screams badly. Man; and I thought Doofus' acting in The Right Duck was awful. And his picture gets taken of course.
Scene changer as we get a far shot of the hikers as Beef calls the cliff Spine Snapping Cliff which is quite cute as we see Donald struggle in nearly snapping his spine in the process. HAHA! Finally; they pay off a joke properly. And it took only 5 ½ minutes to do it too. So Beef wants to climb the cliff as Donald can barely respond at this point. Beef grabs him by the sweater and dares him into a race with the loser getting to carry the winner's stuff. Donald looks at the gift horse in the mouth and agrees to it. Beef goes over and tells the children to hike up the trail; while the adults scale the cliff. Personally; I would make the nephews climb the cliff with the winner's stuff; just to be a sadist. So the children walk up the trail with Huey getting all sexist in front of Suzie and Suzie is absolutely clueless of course. Wow; even the Fish Hooks writers weren't THIS bad. Suzie then realizes that it's now three against one and she runs away stage left. Wow; the writers actually threw me a bone there. It won't last; trust me. Huey wants an escalator (considering what happens later on; that sounds plausible) as WE ARE OFF....to push the crappy button on some horse racing. The nephews play the horse; while Suzie plays the wooden rabbit. How fitting considering what Suzie is turning into at this point.
We cut back to Beef as he unveils the BLUE BUNGIE CORD OF DOOM to fix Donald's wagon. Yeah sure whatever. I don't get the point of turning Beef heel here; because he looks strong enough to kick Donald's ass six ways from Sunday School anyway. We then see a shot of Spine Snapping Cliff as we cut to a sky shot of Donald climbing up the cliff as it seems to be getting less and less steep the further we go despite on the far shot; the cliff should not be even close to being that steep. Logic break #6 for the episode. Oh and Beef hooks the blue bungie cord of doom on Donald's lumberjack sweater as Beef somehow climbs down and we teleport to Beef attaching the other hook to a tree. Dammit; I knew we would have a teleport spot somewhere in this short. I thought we got over this crap with Darkwing Duck. At least wait until Kick Buttowski when you get Flash and still don't know what to do with it. Beef calls fair play over-rated. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. That's why I don't often play fair in my rants; even when TALESPIN is involved. Donald's climbing turns crappy as Beef easily overtakes him and blows off Donald for being out of shape. Donald struggles of course as he manages to uproot the tree completely. That's right folks; the same duck who couldn't unsnap the ropes from the roof of a car somehow has enough strength to uproot a tree. That's logic break #7 for the episode.
Speaking of bad coloring mistakes: When Donald struggles some more; he gets the CHEAP HEAT OF LAUGHS; it appears and disappears in one or two frames! Seriously; it's THAT badly colored. So Donald uproots the tree as it snaps high into the air and where it lands; do we really care? Certainly not Duke Igthorn ; that much is for certain. Donald struggles to loosen the belt and then Donald gets WARNERED~! Oh and just to break logic and reason; we cut to a shot of the earth from space despite the fact that there is no indication that he left earth to begin with. Logic break #8 for the episode. Nice Road Warrior “Big Bird” Hawk spot (as good Ric Flair) there Donald as Donald goes through the edge of a cloud. Methinks the animators screwed up there as he lands on the summit of Snipe Snapping Cliff with the wussiest on-screen imaginable. I club BS&P! Someone must have hated Donald's Lumberjack short. We then cut to Beef climbing up thinking that he CHEATS TO WIN (You wish you were Latino Heat....Beef!) as he gets to the top and then is SHOCKED and APPALLED (in that order) as Donald has his head buried in a big ass gopher hole. Beef cannot believe this and neither can I; because it's not believable as of course he gets MURDERED by the uprooted tree. Saw that one coming a mile away. The innocent Tip-Top sign gets murdered of course and that was actually a MAN-SIZED bump; the first one of the episode nearly 7 ½ minutes in.
Then we see the nephews and Suzie in awe watching it as Suzie wants Donald to hold that pose because she wants to take a picture of a real woodsman. Donald then breaks the pose of course on cue and does the wimpy Bugs Bunny arm curl spot for the camera. Sadly; the nephews screw up the shot of course; because they are dirty, crappy sexists. Suzie then points out that they are standing on a hill of fire ants. Oh for gods sake; NOT ANOTHER OUT OF NOWHERE spot. Logic break #9 for the episode. Did they say freakin munches? The nephews finally oversell and drop Donald on his ass as their picture is taken. Something tells me the writers were told to make Suzie look like a clueless, uncaring sack of crap. Everyone runs away as the nephews scream badly of course. Then OUT OF NOWHERE comes Gustav from BEHIND the tree. Ummm; check your internal logic there guys. That means Gustav had to climb the cliff to get into that position and he was WITH the nephews and Suzie when they went UP the trail. Logic break #10 for the episode and we aren't even eight minutes in! Gustav knocks on tree and reads from his book proclaiming that a wise man once said to listen to the trees as they are wisdom and pure. Thanks for pointing out the obvious there you useless fatass! I hope you didn't pay big money for that sage advice.
Beef is mighty pissed off as he wants revenge and Gustav runs away like a scalded goose. No really; I'm AS shocked as you are. Beef dresses up like a tree and leaves. Oh man; now I'm stooping to their lows. See what those crappy nephews have done to me now?! We are also up to #4 on the city wimp counter now. So we go to the scene changer as we cut to a meadow with a pink flower as Beef MURDERS said flower. I know this because only Beef and Suzie are wearing foot gear and Suzie is wearing the poor girls' version of Gosalyn's sneakers. We then jump cut to Beef carrying the winner's gear as we get logic break #11: The murdered flower shot showed him as if he was in a treeless meadow and yet on the next shot; it's like he's in a forest. We zoom up and Donald is a collector as he included the kitchen sink and the CATCUS JACK OF DOOM. Donald then throws petty nature stuff on top of the heap in front of him. HAHA!
Sadly; since that is actually funny and it's clear that the writers aren't interested in entertaining anyone; we return to Suzie looking for more pictures as Louie shows his muscles. How sad it has to be that the Quack Pack nephews are on the juice. I see Larson & Gary have made their home here. Suzie gleefully ignores him and Louie invokes the LONG ARMS OF SEXISM to grab Suzie. Oh god; this is getting really stupid now and I fear it's going to get worse. And finally Suzie throws me a bone by invoking the POWER OF THE PUNCH off-screen which clearly had no zip on it since there is no bump present and Louie walks off as the hat comes off; but Louie gets his hat and has a black left eye. After that weak of a punch? Sure. Dewey then walks in like twinkle toes (even the sound guys are screwing up here) as he practices the fine art of not being seen so he can seduce Suzie. Suzie walks ignoring everything as Dewey shows off his hydrogen/water balloon made from his makeshift sleeping bag. And Dewey gets all science on us as I want to knock his block off for woo and quackery. Well; woo anyway, Dewey is a quack already since he's an anthro duck.
Suzie gleefully ignores him as Huey sharpens a stick into a spear with a pocket knife (Wow; there is some Junior Woodchuck left in him) behind a tree and growls as he pops the sleeping bag balloon. I am so not impressed with that at all. Huey blows off Dewey as Professor Punk (LAMEO!) as Huey invokes his Krackpotkin plan to seduce Suzie. So we see Suzie trying to take a picture of a bush as Huey brings in Gustav as Huey proclaims that Gustav wants to carry her gear. Gustav is confused as hell as Huey commits logic break #12 of the episode as he somehow stole Gustav's book despite never seeing it in Gustav's backpack nor in his hands. See; a wise man once said that Gustav should stop going to Hoppo for weight loss advice. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummmm...I mean; a wise man once said that Gustav should do what Huey says. On second thought; Gustav is better off being a useless sack of ass. Taking advice from Quack Pack Huey is a lot like believing rumors of Project Cafe are totally true just because Game Informer and IGN say that the rumors are true. Suzie is impressed (Thank you writers are making me hate her more) as Huey does the Gruffi pose proclaiming that girls like a man who can boss people around. Yeah; because that is what a lady really needs: A man to boss HER around. That is so sexist; I'm SHOCKED that I'm not watching a 1956 cartoon short that was barred from Disney's archives instead of this show in 1996!
Thankfully; it backfires as Suzie thanks Gustav for carrying her stuff and walks off stage left. The nephews are SHOCKED and APPALLED. Wow; we are into our second good spot at the nine and a half minute mark. Dewey and Louie invoke their Gruffi poses in kind as we finally return to Beef with the pile of stuff that is bigger than his body weight. Now you know how Kit Cloudkicker felt in Your Baloo's In The Mail sir. Donald throws a stump on the pile for good measure as Beef literally turns red and it is animated properly this time around. And a hedgehog gets thrown on of course as Beef pleads for mercy. Mercy? From Donald Duck? Yeah right; as Donald plucks a white feather from his ass and blows it right on top of the pile. If you cannot guess what happens next; you have no business reading this rant. Can you say logic break #13 for the episode? I knew you could. Crappy bumping added to boot I might add. Donald laughs his ass off and it's not half bad as Beef explodes from the pile and is PISSED. City Wimp counter is up to five now as it's time to do this the manly way. Beef creates a horseshoe like line and the loser crosses the line as we play tug of war on the arms. Oh goody; woodsman sumo wrestling, there's no chance in hell Donald can win this one....can't he?
Donald tries to pull his arm; but Beef no sells all, DUH! So Beef declares him the loser (to even up the score I guess) as he flings Donald into a pine tree and Donald snaps back as the children duck behind a log as Beef gathers up the gear as he makes the fatal error of turning his back as he proclaims that this makes him the best woodsman ever. In your dreams Beef as Donald whacks him from behind good and they all tumble down the hill and sadly; the nephews don't come tumbling after. At least the bumping is better this time around. We cut to the log as the children pop up from the carnage as Gustav wonders where Donald and Beef are and Huey assures Gustav that they are fine. Remind me never to let Huey Duck practice medicine...ever. Donald and Beef tumble over the cliff and free fall to their doom in probably the best animation of the entire episode and that ends the segment at 10:42. So; so contrived and crappy. I mean we are up to a bakers dozen in logic breaks in less than half of the episode is completed. Sadly this episode is about to take a turn for the worse.
After the commercial break; we cut to a valley as we do probably the worst Wily E. Coyote cam shot in history and then we cut back to a close up of them free falling and Beef seemly trying to crush Donald on the way down. I betcha they fall into the middle of the valley instead of logically landing in the trees as the cam shot implies. I check the Youtube video.....Nope; neither as we land on the side in front of the cliff which breaks logic since there was no indication of such a cliff. Logic break #14 for the episode as somehow; the backpack has gain a full sack during the free fall. Beef and Donald pop from the carnage and Beef blames Donald for this. Well; Beef is the one who threw Donald into the tree; so this is clearly projection on Beef's part. City wimp counter is up to six now. And you thought Gadget saying golly made for crappy episodes? Donald wants to fight; but Beef wants no more bickering as he knows the trail. Sadly; we get more bickering and both hot tempered fools try to go their way in their directions. This would be a lot funnier if I gave a damn about Beef. Tug of war ensues and then they bounce off the cliff and tumble down crashing into a tree which contains the conveniently placed beehive. Despite the fact that there was more than one tree on the first shot after the commercial break? Logic break #15 for the episode. Even Kick Buttowski isn't this bad in breaking logic and reason.
So if you didn't even think that this episode could get worse; we go to a really absurd sequence of the bees coming out as if they are some sort of air force. I'm not joking here either; that is what the sequence implies; complete with red alert sequence and red lights. If you want to look for the “throw something to the wall to see if it sticks” attitude in it's infancy; this is the episode to look for. Oh; did I forget to mention that they have an announcer doing the “This is not a drill” promo during the sequence? And then the bees are looking like a bunch of blobs when they exit as Beef proclaims that this doesn't look good. That would be the understatement of the decade there pal. Logic break #16 ensues: Beef and Donald appear to have ran away stage right complete with dust cloud spot; but then on the next shot; they are running stage left. What? Was the continuity man asleep at the wheel during this sequence? That leads to the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE BLOB BEE EDITION~! Neat spot: The bees turning into a bow & arrow and shooting Beef's hat off his head. Even better: The bees turning into a machine gun. When the bees are more over than everyone in the episode; even Donald F'n Duck; you know this episode sucks. Donald counters with the pot as we run into the river and we do another Warner spot despite being only two feet from hitting the water. They take a dunk and bees invoke the question mark on that spot.
So we head underwater as they land on their feet in some impressive background artwork as Beef does logic break #17 by acting like he doesn't need to hold his breath underwater anyone. Bad, bad form there guys as Beef finds the conveniently placed pull rope which signals for the inflatable raft gag and we do a spin-o-rama to waste even more time. Beef finally sells the water in the lungs spot in his usual crappy spot and points to Donald as Donald notices the pull rope and yanks it with his teeth as the inflatable raft opens and they pop from the water and dive in again as the bees do a Z formation. Then a ! formation. Wow; even the bees are becoming a bore to me. We then cut to Beef and Donald floating on the raft as Beef finally thanks Donald for pulling the cord. Wow; the first good thing that has happened with these goofballs and it took nearly 13 minutes to do it too. So we cut to the bees changing into an airplane (much better!) as they drop the hell bee bomb on the babyfaces as the goofs try to dog paddle; but the raft bursts and it's time for the air out of the balloon sequence as it is too straight to be taken in any serious matter. I'm tempted to call that one logic break #18; but I'm generous; so let's just call it contrived and forced shall we...?
Scene changer of doom; as we see Dewey checking the least detailed map in the world as he cuts some more injury landmarks (breakneck river, mangled skull ravine, etc.) as Dewey wonders who the hell names these places. Umm; someone who has a sick sense of humor and the second most over character in the episode; that's who Dewey. Suzie pardons to ask; and so the nephews all want her to ask away in unison. Suzie explains that Donald and Beef aren't on the map which is downright stupid because DUH! It's so obvious! What a stupid answer from her? And of course Dewey gets blamed for it by Louie and Huey. Yeah; blame the most over nephew for your stupidity; sure. Dewey isn't good at all; but at least he tries hard not to suck. I'm willing to give him SOME credit; how little it ultimately is. So Dewey looks at where they actually are (and making excuses about berries) as they all are shocked because they are at avalanche ridge which they scream from the top of their lungs on the far away shot. Well; that just kills the continuity that they were shooting for right there. The rocks on the mountain tops sway; but they stop and none of them fall. The nephews then proclaim that hiking munches. Okay; I have finally realized that it's a BS&P way of saying hiking sucks; which is downright lame.
Suzie wants the nephews to shut up (good luck Suzie; I remember Feats of Clay really well) as that might cause an avalanche. Sadly; their walking slowly actually causes the ground to rumble as Huey notices Donald's canteen and then talks in a normal voice. This is the one time where I wish they didn't maintain continuity from Feats Of Clay. Sadly; the video I'm ranting on completely jump cuts itself as the nephews yell and scream and we get the avalanche of death and everyone scatters to the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE AVALANCHE EDITION~! That explains why the video seems to be mangled and about one minute short. We also go in slow motion on the running as Suzie blows off Louie. They make it to the cliff as the rocks tumble. I'm guessing Suzie invoked the POWER OF THE PUNCH somewhere in that sequence. So the nephews bail and then return instantly with a green parachute like bag and sticks and the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERWHERE. I'm following the action visually and not the dialog as the Youtube video is all screwed up to hell now.
Gustav: As an old wise man would say....HELP!
Needless to say; they create a makeshift hand-glider and glide down from the cliff. So we head back to the inflatable raft down the river as somehow the raft as patched itself up. Logic break #18 for the episode for real. And we go to the waterfall scene and Donald and Beef fall down the waterfall of course. Then they somehow ramp off the waterfall (I'm not going to call that one a logic break since it's the video that is screwed up) and they ultimately bounce into the conveniently placed CATCUS JACKS PATCH OF DEATH. They cause another separation explosion as Donald looks like a prickly antlered moose which of course leads to the conveniently placed moose munching on grass in the wetlands and it's suddenly seduced as in it's eyes it sees a sexually suggestive deer. Whatever guys. Donald panics and that ends the segment fifteen minutes in give or take thirty seconds. Kroko802: You're video editing sucks worse than this episode and THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!
After the commercial break; and the video is fully back in sync now. So we return as we see the hand-glider over the abyss as Gustav proclaims that as the wise man says basically that he bought only one part of a book. See; I told you that book was woo. No matter how much the LIBERAL RED BOOK OF LIES THE KIDS EDITION....POW! OUCH! Ummmm....I mean the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook is flawed; it's still better than any book in Quack Pack. There; I said it. Happy now creeps? POW! OUCH! Ummmm.... And of course the makeshift gilder conveniently crushes itself. Wait; I thought the Spongebob Trick wasn't supposed to be invented until 2000? They freefall of course and we cut back to Donald and Beef running like a bad deer in the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE DEER EDITION~! Donald stops which allows Beef to literally kiss the moose right on the lips. Oooookkkkkaaayyyy. Man; enough of the hearts animation that blink on every frame; it feels choppy. So Beef starts running away and Donald screams as the chase MUST CONTINUE. Donald goes left and the moose follows after looking around. Do you get the sense no one is trying here? The moose finds a conveniently placed board which you would think would be enough to blow their cover; but the moose's heart break and he mopes away rejected. Donald pops from the hiding place as we see Beef is relieved and he apologizes for calling him a city wimp for #7. Can we please stop with that? And are we are supposed to believe that Beef would forgive Donald that easily for merely pulling on the inflatable raft? Oh and Donald forgives him easily (which makes sense come to think it) as we discover that they hid behind a sign which is the opening for Moose Hunting Season. And the sign get shot off. Whatever.
More horse on horse running as they hide inside a cave. Good sound effects for Donald as a bear growls causing the scene to shake and the goofs run out stage left as it's the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE BEAR EDITION~! Donald turns and hides into the conveniently placed bushes. And the bear swipes the bushes away. HAHA! Well; Tad Stones isn't the producer so that means the bears are smart in this cartoon. Donald and Beef bail stage right remembering to badly throw sand right into the bear's kisser before he invokes the swipe of doom. We continue the bear chase as we cut to a bunch of ants going into a log complete with Hanna Barbara twinkle toe sound effects. So these ants are the protesters of the Flintstones? So Beef and Donald pop into the log on the other side and of course Donald sticks his head out of the too small to fit hollow branch for fun as the bear whizzes by; thus giving us logic break #19 for the episode. We cut to Beef with the twinkle toe ants in his face and up Donald's body as Donald is confused and still wearing the CATCUS JACK OF DOOM on his hat. Beef then commits logic break #20 by scratching the log. Seriously; that is what he does. Well; I am no longer counting logic breaks anymore as they blow their cover with running and Beef scratching the mid section of the pissed off bear. And Beef gives the bear a facial just to annoy him and me.
And then the episode really gets stupid as Beef scratches the midsection again as the bear likes it and we do a samba dance. WHAT THE HELL?! Does that make any sense whatsoever? This wastes some more time until the bear finally notices Donald's head and the bear finally gets his cue and shreds the log to pieces. HA! Scooby Doo chase sequence ensues and we finally head into the jungle as the children are in the leaves getting more and more frustrated. They pop out as Louie proclaims that they may be lost but they found Donald and Beef as we get probably the most iconic part of the episode and not in a good way. Basically; it's the old HB trick of a side shot of the babyfaces running from the heels in one direction, then we get the off-screen bump and then run in the other direction, off-screen bump, rinse, lather, repeat. This is no different; but at the end; we get probably to the allegory of Quack Pack which they are being chased by a space alien. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! The nephews reaction to that is PRICELESS! And I mean that in the nicest way possible. As Juan F. Lara said in the caption: In Quack Pack; when in doubt, throw in a space alien! Yes folks; I officially miss the Junior Woodchucks now. The nephews must be thinking: “Wow; these writers have lost their minds so much they pushed the crappy button before we did!”. That brings new meaning to the phrase: To stop terrorism; we must act like them.
And then to really break logic; they fist pump their fist and it's teamwork time. WHAT THE HELL? They just wanted to do that NOW; despite the fact that they have been basically doing it already with the hand-gilder. Oh lord; take me now! Gustav and Suzie have no clue what to make of this as then we get another really huge gaping logic break as the nephews have somehow teleport to a log cabin (Chateau Duck. LAMEO!) as everyone enters inside. WHAT THE HELL?! How did that happen? Even the disappearing lion from Bigger They Are, The Louder They Oink made a hell of a lot more sense than this. So Louie whistles to Donald and Beef to come inside and both goof enter inside without further incident. Damn; we don't get any suspense for this either. They close the doors as everyone pants and wheezes. Okay; I can understand Donald and Beef doing it; but the children? They F'N teleport to that cabin basically. How can they be tired?
Then there is a knock on the door and Donald of course must be rendered into a stupid idiot because he answers the door. Why not Gustav? He's been completely useless so far; let HIM do a spot DAMMIT! Look; I love Donald, but come on guys! This is way overplayed now. Everyone yells at Donald to stop; but Donald opens the door and of course all the animals and space alien rush into the house. Wait a second; since all the heels were far away from the door; then who the hell knocked on the damn door? The children all run out of the log cabin because BS&P just cannot let children take a beating (despite we clearly saw Suzie punching a child twice in the episode already); and we get the FCC FRIENDLY OUTSIDE THE CABIN FIGHT OF DEATH. Then; just to make things even more absurd, the log cabin rockets into the air for no real reason whatsoever much to the children's horror. Oh; and the off-screen bump of the log cabin doesn't even exist as the adults run out of the house with no injuries whatsoever and shuts the door down because somehow; that will stop a moose, a bear and a space alien combined. Stop bees I might buy; but forget about the other creatures.
Donald and Beef breathe a sigh of relief and then a evil faced ranger in ranger arrives demanding answers to this outrage. He is voiced by Kent Powers' voice Roger Rose in case you care about such a thing. Trust me Evil Ranger; you better leave NOW! It's for your own personal well being. These writers are psycho to the extreme tonight. The nephews actually tell the ranger that there is a load of animals and a space alien in the Ranger Station and the ranger sells it with glee. Oy vey there. Beef and Donald both take credit for that and then they shake hands agreeing that they both did it. Wow; it took a F'N space alien for the finish to actually MAKE SENSE. That is so peachy. So the ranger thanks them and he gets them $1000 ticket for harassing wildlife. HAHA! And of course; Beef and Donald blame each other for this mess as the ranger comes over; opens the door and lets the creatures out without a hint of irony in the world because Beef and Donald won't harm them again. The space alien even talks! He threatens to destroy Earth of course as he floats into space. He looks badly drawn and I don't even want to know what alien was inspired. We then cut to the nephews decide to forgive and forget this ever happened. Too bad I cannot do the same thing. I have two more episodes like this actually; so you'll understand why. Of course; Suzie walks by and then they lie through their teeth as they sneak up on Suzie again starting with rotten sexist Huey. No really; I am as SHOCKED as you are. Dewey and Louie realize what Huey is doing and they blitz him and we have the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUDDUST FIGHT OF DEATH. Whatever guys.
The fighting stops with Louie of all ducks as he wonders where Suzie went. Then the nephews turn around and they are SHOCKED and APPALLED as Suzie is holding hands with Gustav. I called that about a minute before it happened by the way because Gustav did absolutely nothing and therefore is the only logical choice for Suzie since the nephews, Beef and Donald acted like jackasses. Of course; you could say the Ranger should be a second choice; but the evil look takes him out of the running. Gustav and Suzy walk off into the sunset as Gustav proclaims that a wise man once said: If you are useless; you often get the girl. No, he didn't say that. He should have though as the nephews do the BS&P suck promo in unison. The nephews turn around the other way as Beef chases Donald again as this is all Donald's fault. Oh come on Beef! Leave Donald alone. It's not his fault the writers sucked the meat missile with gusto on this one. Nice to see Beef also acting like Scrooge from the comic with the club. Too bad it doesn't have a nail attached to it. Donald and Beef run into the hills (and we get city wimp #8) as it's BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (sunset) and that mercifully ends the episode at 21:15 approx. I think it's safe to say that this is 5.0 on the Cuckoo scale. Maybe one of the worst episodes I have ever seen in DTVA period. Call it -*** ¾ (-75%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Before I continue on with the Review Line; I would like to point out the Usenet post where I stated that the writers officially apologize for the episode ending up this way. According to asdibbens:
I officially apologize for this episode. It was a quick script we threw off in the mist of writing the disaster of a two-parter. It then got hammered by completely insipid executive notes (surprise, surprise). All I remember is that Beef was originally Susie's mother (who was not named Beef). Someone had a problem with Donald competing with a woman. Someone else had a problem with the nephews fighting too much for the same girl - so most of that got watered down. And no one really cared enough to fix it after that.
Susie, by the way, was supposed to be a caricature of Susan McElroy, Tad Stone's assistant. However, that note apparently didn't get passed on to the character designer, nor to the voice department. And as usual with female characters, they get the most notes (someone complains that every line is "too bitchy", or "too stupid", or "too sweet") and so all the female characters get dulled down to the point where... well... they're just plain dull.
Duck Daze/Quack Pack was the height of the development departments size and power at TV Animation. Every script had 17 different people giving notes on it. Oh, I almost forgot. This episode was originally entitled "Nature Calls", it sort of summed up our feelings about it.
Ouch! The user name's real name is Jim Peterson by the way in case you were wondering. I am not going to even bother trying to come up with a Review Line here other than: Just read Jim Peterson's apology and that's all you need to understand this mess of an episode. The scariest part is; this episode could have been good. The next two episodes aren't so lucky. So.....
Thumbs way the hell down IN HELL for this episode and I'll see you next time.