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Huey Duck, P.I.
Reviewed: 02/19/2013
Does The P.I. Stand For "Publicly Irritating"?
Okay; I decided to skip Dewey's focus episode because it's pathos heavy and considering that I am not in the best of moods after ranting on "Can't Take A Yolk"; I need something perversely entertaining. So a Huey focused episode on him being a PI is much more interesting to me. I don't expect a **** classic out of this; but it shouldn't grind my gears like the last rant. So; let's rant on and find out shall we...?!
This episode is written by Steve Roberts & Jymn Magon. The story editing is done by Karl Geurs and Gary Sperling. The animation is done by Toon City.
Opening Moment #1: Today's title card features Huey Duck wearing a flat hat and flower necklace while posing on the Hawaiian beach like a smug like prick. This episode is going to be fun to mock now. At least I hope it will be.
So we begin this episode on the island of Hawaii as we pan over and cut to a mountain side road as a red roofless car is driving too fast. At first; I thought this was some dream sequence involving Huey kidnapping a blond girl with a purple dress. Well; I was close since she's tied up in the front seat and blowing off the big ass driver who has almond skin, black hair with a purple stripe in the middle, navy blue jacket and blue shirt. He has bushy eyebrows and a gap in between the middle of his teeth. The blond girl calls him a horrible evil little man as the big ass evil "little" man agrees with him; and that is on his best day. I hope he unmasks as Huey Duck at some point; because this sequence is begging for that to happen. So the police car is chasing them with sirens and manga lines. So we get the always "thrilling" and counter-productive crash through the barrier and the car flies in mid-air over the water. It's counter productive because in real life; that crash will kill both. The cars free fall while the police car stops and about ten of them crash and pile up with zero damage whatsoever. The blond girl screams as we get the back of the license as Bad1. Ooookkkkaaayyyy. So the villain of doom (I'm guessing it's Robert Cait or Tim Curry) pushes the white button on the control panel and the car turns into a car jet. Ooookkkkaaayyyy. We zoom into the air and then we cut to a mountain as a tall, thin man wearing a yellow flower necklace, poorly drawn yellow hat, red coat, almond shirt and black pants (with belt buckle) is manning a hand glider swoops over the car and jumps on. The villain realizes this and panics because he's Tradewinds Troy (Jim Cummings) as the blond girl is pleased to see him. The villain of doom is grabbed by Troy and kicked in the ass as he's giving him "hand gliding" lessons. Which would have been funny if his hand glider was involved. The villain freefalls and lands inside a Hawaiian State Prison (helpfully labeled as such on the sign is brown, black and red letters.) off-screen. Troy hops in and embraces the blond girl as we zoom out to realize that he's just a fictional character on a television show that Huey is watching on the green love seat.
So Huey cuts a promo about him getting beach and babes while Dewey and Louie are lying on the couch (both ways) claiming that this will never happen. Ummm; this is Quack Pack guys. If space aliens from the ZO can exist in this world; then Huey's wet dream is an almost 100% shoo in to happen. So we cut to Donald struggling with the fishing pole as we discover that he's trying to get a sack of that MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH but it's stuck in a pile of junk in a closet. The nephews come over to ask what he is doing and Donald gives them a postcard which we discover is from Donald's cousin Mel Mallard. Now I'm not expert in Duck Relations because they are as confusing as Samoan Relations in professional wrestling; but I discovered that he used to be a duck with a green trench coat and a brown hat who was pissed off at Donald in 1967 (Top Comics Donald Duck #1) for confusing him with the worst duck in his class; also known as Carl Sanduck. So apparently; they have kissed and made up ever since. So Huey blows off Mel because he sells snowshoes in Kansas and swimsuits at the South Pole. Here's the laughable part about this: The later insult is perfectly fine; but Kansas gets anywhere from 5" to 35" inches of snow per year depending on the area; which is almost 100 cm of snow a year; or almost three feet of snow. If Huey had said Hawaii (which the lowest temp on record is -11*C; which is the average temp in some Canadian cities during the winter months, even where I live.) ; then the joke not only makes more sense; it builds up the next sequence as Dewey shows him the postcard that Mel Mallard is a detective in Hawaii. Mel also has a "Howdy Doody" type accent and blahs a lot. The M has a magnifying lens on the M. Oh and Mel wants to take Donald fishing. Huey does the Gruffi pose on cue and then catches himself and is in shock.
So we somehow jump cut to Tradewinds Troy tied up to a palm tree with thousands of pounds of TNT, dynamite and two black bombs which expands to four bombs on the front shot. So the villain of the day has the tied up blond girl again stating that Troy is history and his crime wave cannot be stopped. And then the absolute last thing Troy needs arrives as Huey is dressed up like him driving a roofless blue car. Yeah. Huey claims that he will handle this one and personally; I would book it with the villain unmasking as Huey Duck so he can get the SEXIST GIRL OF THE DAY; since that is his gimmick. This is close enough though as the blond girl manages to release herself and the villain of the day gives up faster than Escarmargot ever could. Ponder that for a while and realize that he gave up to HUEY DUCK! I also notice that the girl is wearing a purple spotted, light purple skirt when she embraces Huey so you know that this is a fantasy of his. And Troy dies off-screen as the dynamite explodes which is exactly how I envisioned it going down. I wonder if Jymn Magon wrote it this way originally? So we return to reality (no, not really) as Huey is getting all dreamy and giddy about this; and claims that he loves Mel. The nephews just roll their eyes in the face of this obvious hypocrisy. So we payoff the Donald fishing line spot as Donald has made it to the kitchen; only to bounce back and destroy the pile of junk in his closet which somehow falls onto the floor. It ends with Donald inside the closet as a bowling ball drops on Donald's head with an ultra sick bump and he gets a really believable philiac symbol on the top of his head. Donald's selling is funny as usual as Huey walks off stage right to pack and we fade to black four minutes in. So we return on the beach as a wail of seagulls are circling over the water. We pan left to see Huey dressed up like he was in the title card with Donald behind Dewey and Louie who are carrying a surfboard. Apparently; Donald's head injury was taken advantaged of since the nephews are discussing how Huey convinced Donald to take them fishing with him. Apparently; the deal is that he can go as long as he cleans up Mel's place which looks like a cockroach zone with poison purple stuff on the ground. HA!
The nephews mock Huey for that one as they walk inside Mel's place which looks like a small shack with a dock and apparently; the whole place has been ransacked. The whole place is a complete mess as Huey thinks someone tried to murder Mel in cold blood. Donald then notices a pair of legs with sandals on them. Huh. So we go to the sky shot and we discover that this is NOT Mel Mallard; this is either Herb Muddlefoot; or Doofus Drake in adult form. If it's the later; then I'm deducing that Webby has left Doofus; or his room is such a mess and he's having episodes of being denied Webby's hand in marriage. SMOOSH! SMOOSH! If it's the former; then this is a prime example of a template for Fanboy & Chum Chum to steal later on because this show dead ringed the second funniest Muddlefoot of them all; next to his wife. 2:1 odds it's Herb since Juan's notes claim that Jim Cummings is voicing here. Doofus was voiced by Brian Cummings. No relation that I am aware of. Yeap; it's Herb Muddlefoot wearing Darkwing Duck's colors. Would have been perfect if he wore a purple flower necklace; the yellow sort of clashes with the outfit. Unless he is channeling Nega Duck to annoy Drake even more. If that is the case; I approve of this look. And he's fine and was taking a snooze; which is not completely out of character for Herb. So what if Mel is a ripoff of Herb? I've seen dead ringers on this show that are a million times WORSE than this; and having Herb come back in some form adds to the entertainment for me at least. If you cannot make art; at least try to amuse me. Huey cannot believe this as Donald has his fishing stuff ready as Hmerlb Muddlemallardfoot (that's my new booking name for this guy and I'm sticking to it.) drops a big ass sack of fishing gear including his lucky anchor. HAHA! So the two goofballs leave as Huey puts his feet on the desk sitting in a chair while the nephews give the eye contact violence because it's time to clean up the place. And we fade to black again one minute after the first fade to black. For goodness sakes; PAY THE SCENE CHANGER NOW DISNEY; YOU PETTY PENNY PINCHER~!
So we return to the docks with Hmerlb and Donald walking on the pier. They walk down the boardwalk and onto the wooden motor boat with green trim. I should point out that they are playing "The Farmer In the Dell" song in the background. Hmerlb yawns and flops on the conveniently placed pillow in the front of the boat as he wants Donald to start the motor as he'll take a nap. Apparently; this guy gets no good sleep nowadays and Donald salutes him anyway despite the fact that Mel is trying to get out of his responsibilities as an angler. On the other hand; it means Donald gets to be pissed off when the motor doesn't want to start for him. He gets sprung back and his head is in the motor for goodness knows what reason and the motor spits him out the other side and he's all ash and soot now. He magically shakes it off and springs into wanting to murder that motor boat...ummm...motor. Donald spits his hands and we pull the rope and he finally gets the motor boat to start; but the rope is now large enough to be a tow line and Donald gets towed while the boat races stage left. So Donald is now Goofy in terms of bumping which is fine by me because it's more entertaining than Huey Duck doing, well, anything at this point. Donald's bouncing off the waves is somehow better than Goofy's. Sadly; the main plot is starting again as we head inside Mel's place as it's cleaned up pretty well now. Huey comes in with a million letters and postcards which seems to drop towards the floor; but disappear on cue. He goes to the desk and stuffs them on the desk (with more disappearing paper on the paper that is aimed to the floor) and he shuts the desk with the metal dome. Huey wipes his hands clean of any responsibility for being a sexist twit. So Huey wants to get to work; but Dewey and Louie blow him off because they want fun. Ummm; guys? Huey's "fun" is acting like Tradewinds Troy. Then we get a knock on the door and Huey call it his first client much to the annoyance of the other nephews.
Huey opens the door as there is a thin man wearing all brown; except that he has a suitcase, a pencil tip on his head and a blue pencil on his back. Ahh; he must be the Blue Pencil Brigade; here to make sure Huey doesn't do anything to the girls beyond holding their hands. Not a bad idea if I do say so myself. Huey offers his hand and welcome him; but Paranoid Pencil Man runs in and jumps on the couch which is right next to the conveniently placed rope for the window blinder and he pulls them down. HEE HEE! Nice spot there. Huey walks over to him as PPM is shaking complete with teeth chattering sound effects. Huey brings out his pencil and notepad and asks about what crime has happened to him which includes international spying and kidnapping. The couch is red by the way as I was hoping that PPM would make it into a situation where he accuses Huey of stealing his pencil and then having Huey arrested for theft. However; knowing this show enough times, I don't see that happening. So we discovered that PPM lost his favorite pencil and it's yellow with scattered teeth marks. Which makes for the other nephews to act like a bunch of smugasses. Odd logic break: In the first shot we see the blue pencil in the back; now it's seen as his TIE. PPM nods with glee as Dewey finds the pencil on his left ear and PPM jumps for joy as the case is closed and he runs out. Without his briefcase and books I might add. Huh. So Dewey and Louie have their surfboards over their heads and I was hoping for them to bash Huey's hat; but they are trying to leave. Huey yells at them to stop because PPM left his briefcase on the coffee table. And it has a small name tag on it which sezs that if it's found to return it to Wilmer (Paranoid Pencil Man in case you didn't notice) at 22 Ocean Drive. Dewey and Louie walk out with the surfboards because they will return it later. Huey stops them again because there is a reward for this even though no reward seems present right now. Huey walks off to handle this as the nephews groan on cue. I don't get why they are so upset; Huey wants to handle this himself as he implied?! So let him; he's the focus character in this episode.
So we head to the seas near some jagged cliff rocks and seagulls flying right into the hard camera. We see the wooden motor boat as Donald and Melherb MuddleMallardFoot are fishing and Melherb is relaxing and being lazy again. So Donald brings out his fishing rod which he points like a rifle as the fishing bobber is spinning before hitting the water. Melherb proclaims that no one is here because there is a story of a sea monster in these parts. So the squid from It Came From Beneath The Seaduck is out of retirement? I hope so. Melherb then starts to snore and Donald blows him off for trying to scare him with the sea monster nonsense. However; a giant big ass purple sea monster lifts the boat up and then the monster dives in and allows the boat to bump off the waves and force Donald onto his belly. This wakes up Melherb and we fade to black again at 7:45. So we head back to a golden palace like state house and then into the living room in front of a fireplace as Wilmer is apparently a heel talking to a female villainess wearing a purple fur coat and a purple turban with a red gem on the front. She appears to be albino and so much so that I swear that she's Moltoc's wife. Or something. When ARE we going to see Moltoc again? I mean; he is supposed to be the number one heel; but I have only done one episode with him which was the fifth episode I did for this show; and this is episode #30! Maltac is angry at Wilmer for losing the briefcase because it contains the perfect weapon. Does it involve rationalizing this show? If so; I like this weapon. She (despite being voiced by Tim Curry. Ponder that one for a moment.) grabs Wilmer by his tie and threatens to murder his pencil right now; but Wilmer slips out and backs away treating his pencils like humans. So Maltac (I swear that I have seen that design before in Tiny Toons) pulls some levers (WRONG LEVERS!) as one opens the ceiling and drops a bunch of swords down on Wilmer which Wilmer dodges; and the second one opens a trapdoor to what she calls a ferret pit, despite not seeing any ferrets nor hearing any for that matter.
Then we hear the doorbell ring and she's selling between being pissed off and just calming herself down as she's giving him the choice because it's her brother. So Moltoc is Wilmer's father and Maltac is his daughter and not his wife. So who's Moltoc's wife: Miltic?! Don't expect an answer here; these writers don't care about even some basic continuity within the episode anyway. Take one guess who is at the door. So Maltac is wearing blue earrings as we see Huey is at the door and he wants to do this alone because Dewey and Louie will ruin his attempt to get all the MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH. Thankfully for him; the nephews don't care about this and want him to get this over with. So Huey continues to ring the door bell and we see Wilmer popping from the curtains as Huey shows him the briefcase as Maltac is not amused because Wilmer thinks Huey Duck is Mel Mallard and he hired a detective. Yeah; we are supposed to believe that Wilmer is so freakin stupid not to notice the obvious face and height differences between Huey and Melherb. I was right in picking this episode today; because this is tons of fun to mock. Maltac blows him off and pounds the pencil hat right into the ground as Wilmer has been Looney Tooned. Poor Michael Eisner; he's so talentless that he has to insult WB like that. So Maltac opens the door and welcomes Huey in as Huey steps on the conveniently placed smashed part of the floor and demands his just reward. He is so stupid to stand on the most obvious spot for a death trap I have ever seen. So Maltac goes over to the wall with the switches and throws one of them as the KNIVES OF ENTERNAL PAIN AND SUFFERING come down from the ceiling. Huey looks stunned and that ends the segment nine and a half minutes in. This is certainly living up to my expectations in terms of mockery and perversely entertaining standards so far.
After the commercial break; we get a shot of the golden state house as we cut to Maltac throwing the switch and Huey casually walks forward wanting cash as he walks on the trapdoor and he goes stage left as Maltac throws the switch and sadly; she forgot to make the door open the opposite side where Huey was walking because it allows him to slide left as he also will allow a personal check. Wilmer is biting his fingernails and his teeth are chattering for no reason over than to make it clear that he's seriously (insert swear word here). Huey keeps pacing around and Maltac is missing everything and getting more pissed off. Memo to Maltac: You are such a loser if you cannot even make CONTACT with HUEY DUCK; let alone kill him! So the doorbell rings and Wilmer answers to door and that allows Dewey and Louie to run in and complain about Huey wasting his time. So Huey knocks on Dewey's head and blows him off. Maltac realizes that this is not the real Mel Mallard and grabs the briefcase asking if he had opened it. Huey states that he didn't because he has scruples which is codeword for it's locked. Maltac orders them out as Huey walks off stage left; and then stops and demands his reward. So Maltac finally gives it to him and we head outside as she kicks their asses off screen and out of the golden house which has turned more yellow now. Louie's head is buried in the sand as he pushes his legs like crazy. That was cute as Dewey sums it all up for me. So we head back to the wooden boat. This is the MO of Quack Pack: Beginning with not much buildup, we separate with the nephews getting the main plot while Donald gets the padding, padded scene, main plot, padded scene, main plot, finish and ending. Now this is fine; except the kids are terrible characters and that causes a lot of really bad episodes; most so if the writing and animation really have an off day. So Melherb is sleeping and Donald is fishing out tiny minnows. HAHA! Melherb has a grape jelly stain on his shirt as he grabs the minnow and puts it on the fishing line which completely telegraphs the next sequence in advance. He sleeps; tug on the line; he has the muscles of Sampson and pulls a big ass fish out of the water and into the conveniently placed barrel of laughs. HA!
Donald is confused and then blows it off as he then gets evil intentions as he switches his steel rod with his bamboo rod. I didn't notice that until now. Wow; the frozen peaches must be causing me to brain fart a lot more easier than usual. We get the tug on the line; Melherb pulls it up and it's a swordfish in the barrel. HAHA! Memo to Donald: Apparently; Melherb is on the arm roids today; so you may want to check his medicine cabinet back at the office. If he has one to begin with. Donald blows it off with his trademark Fooey line and then gets a huge tug on the line as Donald pulls it up and it's another tiny minnow. HAHA! It swings from side to side as Donald is not having a good time at all. I beg to differ on that subject; because the main plot is starting again. So we head back to Mel's office as Huey is inside with the nephews exchanging notes on the situation. Which involves a pencil which Dewey and Louie are confused. Memo to ducks: You have surfboards, MURDER HIM WITH THEM! See; we read the pencil wood which is a number 2 pencil; which also is labeled Phil's Lighthouse. The problem with this is: She's already kicked you out. I think this proves that she's doing something evil. However; Huey is a slave to his own ego and bails stage left. He return with the BOX OF DEATH called the SM 1000; complete with red push button on top. Basically; it is an Eleroo pouch of detective stuff which includes a grappling hook for all those hard to reach places. Whatever; we still have ten minutes left in this thing so why not? Apparently; we discover that Huey spent all the vacation money on that SM-1000 box and the nephews are pissed off as they run out of the house and tell him to handle that. Think about that: they followed him all this time and it took spending their vacation money for them to leave him alone. WHAT?! So Huey uses the grappling hook gun and he does a much better job tying up all the loose ends inside the shack and Huey just got handled. HA!
So we return to the motor boat as Donald has a fishing line with two dozen hooks on it and what appears to be black leather handles from someone's car keys. Probably Mel's for all we know. Donald still has evil intentions as he will show Melherb something as he casts his line and the fish hooks all sink and nail a purple squid which looks like a badly drawn version from It Came From Beneath The SeaDuck; and he has yellow eyes; but no mouth. So the purple squid/octopus rises up and climbs up the front of the boat with the line as Donald plays a combination of see-sawing and tug of war. HAHA! Even funnier; Melherb doesn't sell at all and is still asleep. So they bounce the boat up into the air as Donald is getting more and more pissed off by the second. The octopus turns around and notices what the end of the fishing line is connected too; so he yanks it so hard that Donald flies into the water. HAHA! Donald pops up on the opposite side of the boat and blows off the octopus and then catches himself. HAHA! So the octopus grabs Donald and does the BOWSER TAILSPIN OF DEATH with one tentacle and throws him away allowing Donald to skip on the water surface until he's completely out of sight. HAHA! Then we see the real sea monster which is completely purple in color. He looks like a purple sea hag now that I think of it. It's above water as it races past the boat without any incident and the octopus bails stage right. Then we see the purple sea hag drive towards a cliff which some of the rock open up to reveal a secret passage. Geez; you think that this sea monster is submarine or something. Oh wait; it probably is as we pan up to see the conveniently placed lighthouse with regular signature-equse writing called Phil's Lighthouse which sadly doesn't match the logo on the pencil. And it looks like a candy cane exploded in it's face when it was first built. So we get a longish sequence of Maltac and Wilmer entering the lighthouse and opening a stone trapdoor on the floor. Maltac proclaims that they will fear her and they will be justified in doing so. Not me; you are Moltoc's daughter. I cannot take anything you say seriously. So they walk down the steps as we see the sea monster in the water rise up and it's a submarine. Whatever.
So we see the heels head to the dock as two midget henchmen come out and the one in the brown shirt proclaims that the submarine is working fine and Maltac is addressed as Chumley. The second one is wearing a black sweater even though they are the exact same character design only in different color clothing and different styles of hats. So she blows off Wilmer for his pencil submarine idea of course because Wilmer we all know is going to turn on Maltac at some point because he's the only one with an actual name. So Maltac opens the briefcase and brings out a big ass light switch. Yeah; a light switch. That is as absurd as a nuclear hearing aid as Maltac proclaims that she has a nuclear reactor and she'll make entire military personnel fear her and she'll become empress of the world. And sadly; she won't even tease a laugh as she kisses the air and the henchmen are repulsed by it. Yeah; I'm sure every military power in the world is shaking in their boots over a big ass light switch. Yeap; this is the perfect episode for me to mock. So we cut to a closeup shot of the #2 pencil as Huey has made it to Phil's Lighthouse. And the eraser actually has a lighthouse model. Sadly; the animators made it look much more cheaper than it should have been. So Huey walks in and cuts a really stupid promo in more ways than one because he forgets to look where he is going and he gets WARNERED and bumps off the steps for fun. He tries to get up; but the henchmen surround him and that ends the segment nearly 16 minutes in. This is entertaining in a sort of "I'm so drunk that Scott Hall looks sober" way.
After the commercial break; we have the henchmen with Huey as they ask if Maltac wants him killed in roundabout terms; but Maltac blows it off because she has no time for these games and wants them to load up the sea monster sub. The henchmen drop Huey on his ass and bail stage right. Huey gets up and shows the number two pencil as he foolishly gives the pencil to Wilmer. Wilmer mouth is watering like a dog as Maltac talks in one of those "talking down to heels" way by talking so slow that she is saying one word every three seconds. She wants him to put the pencil down and put him in the submarine. Sadly; Wilmer does neither as he turns Huey around and pokes the pencil end up his back. So Huey reaches for the sky and Wilmer walks him into the sub as Dewey and Louie run in and then notice Huey is in trouble and runs behind a rock. Wait; so they came back? Why?! That makes no sense. So Chumley and Chum Chum Sr. are working the boxes and they hear one of the nephews tell them to come over here. Now you would think that these henchmen would realize that half of the heel group is already in the submarine and thus couldn't be calling for them. At least make an effort to mimic Maltac's voice if you are going to do the behind the rock off-screen fight which causes the henchmen to be bound and gagged; and wearing only boxer shorts which the rope came out of nowhere along with the gags. In more ways than one. So Maltac comes out and yells for the henchmen to hurry up as Dewey and Louie dressed up as the henchmen take the cargo and walk stage left. I think we explained enough of this scene; so let's return with Donald and Melherb at the wooden boat as Donald is in his ripped up lawn chair complaining about these stupid fish. Maybe you shouldn't be sitting in a chair which is banana yellow. Even the fish have better fashion sense than Gedo. So Donald is sulking and then notices the top of the sea monster sub and then his mouth waters better than Wilmer's. So he casts the line and it hooks onto the sea monster submarine and we go towing a fishing boat stage left. Melherb continues to completely no sell the entire thing, natch.
So we head inside the sub as Dewey and Louie are guarding Huey while Maltac is looking through the periscope talking about how she wants chaos and that crap. Then she goes over to her henchmen to demand that they demonstrate how the Quazar reactor actually works. She then asks Huey where he is from and Huey states that he's from Duckberg. Maltac proclaims that she is not surprised by this and wants to blow up Duckberg. You have to also remember that the voice of this character is Tim Curry; who is often used as a voice to characters who utterly HATE ducks. Isn't that admitting that Cartoon Duck Syndrome is real; and that Disney is being awfully defensive about it?! So she goes to Wilmer at the computer panel with sixteen color coded button playing airplane with his pencil. I'm only saying that I think Wilmer is going to turn on Maltac because my shot memories claim that he did at some point. Maltac blows off Wilmer and wants him to set the coordinates; so Wilmer pushes about six buttons with his pencil while Maltac uses the periscope; and the henchmen elbow Huey which he sells. Those are some devastating elbows there as Huey protests this; and then we see the ducks pull the fake mustaches off which at least makes a lot more sense than Horse Scents did. See what I did there? I'm "Pop Drunk"; what can I say?! So Maltac orders Wilmer to throw the switch which the big ass switch is on the control panel and we count to three. Wilmer almost flips the switch; but then we hear pencil sharpening in the background as Wilmer turns around and panics like never before. See; Huey is sharpening a pencil at the conveniently placed pencil sharpener which would be a funnier gag if the animators didn't screw up the sequence. The pencil sharpener itself turns crappier than usual as the pencil goes down to about 1 inch tops as he got carried away. Yeah; Wilmer falls for this because he hates one inch pencil sticks, or something. This makes no sense; but Huey as a PI is stupider than this; so who cares?!
So Wilmer begs for mercy (after sweating bullets like Oscar in Fish Hooks) in the prayer position as Louie brings in his pencil for annoyance and then Dewey and Louie stuff Wilmer with safety inner tubes including the dreaded purple sea monster toddler tube. HAHA! Wilmer calls for help because he's hapless as Maltac turns around and Huey walks in and demands Maltac surrender right now. Riiiiggggghhhhhttttt Huey; you seriously think she's going to seriously surrender. You are dressed up like Tradewinds Troy. I cannot take anything you say seriously. This look sucked! Maltac walks off stage left and proclaims that she is no lady as she brings out the dreaded harpoon gun. FINALLY! A weapon that hasn't been BS&P'ed. Too bad she stole it from Seymour as she fires; but Huey brings down the periscope to deflect the shot away. Huey calls it nice but no cupie doll. Maltac then brings in the wooden oar because if the most deadly weapon in history cannot stop Huey; then somehow a freaking OAR is going to knock him silly. IDIOTS!! And naturally Huey runs stage right like the coward that he is. I'll give Maltac credit for buying a heavy duty wooden oar because she does some MAN-SIZED bumps with it (and still cannot touch Huey though) and it doesn't break. The other nephews sit on the tubed tied Wilmer looking on and enjoying this perverse form of entertainment like I am. They decide to let him do it; which leads to a really stupid spot where Huey is defending himself with a propane tank which came out of nowhere. Then Maltac stops and they exchange items and Huey whacks the propane tank. I swear that happened. We are getting to Spongebob Squarepant level of stupidity here, but Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star do this shtick much better than these two vain losers. We exchange again and finally Maltac blinks and realizes that this is stupid (YAY!) so she goes to the storage bin and finds a wooden mallet. Yeah; apparently a wooden mallet is better than an oar despite it being used the exact same way. Wanna bet that this was originally a rifle and it was BS&P'ed after Jymn Magon left and Steve Roberts took over?
So Huey runs stage right as the wooden mallet hits the tank and that is enough to make it explode. Remember that this is a wooden mallet doing it after a dozen attempts with a rowing oar. The wooden mallet goes flying along with Maltac as it hits the switch and flips it on. We discover that the Quazar Reactor is basically a double eye beam version of the Lightning Gun as it shoots purple lasers from the eyes of the sea monster sub and into the air; burning a sea gull's ass for fun. So we go to an observation tower with a blue shirt old man looking at the stars with his big ass telescope as he claims that he discovered a new planet which clearly looks like Mars. And then the purple eye beam laser completely nail it and blow it up. So at least the weapon is actually deadly and destructive; although the problem is that, if she blows up Duckberg; she'll basically blow up 99% of Earth this way. I hope this doesn't become the finish; but knowing this show, it will happen. The blue shirt scientist falls off his stool (NOT THAT ONE) backwards and takes a really good bump off-screen. So we return inside the sub as we get probably the funniest and most extremely stupid BS&P spot all at the same time: Huey getting chased by Maltac with a big ass fish. How do I know it's BS&P'ed: Do you honestly think BS&P is going to allow Huey to get whacked in the head with a sledgehammer (of plot)?! I don't think so; unless HHH takes over the company. Second; Maltac finally makes CONTACT with Huey's head on the shots, so it had to be BS&P'ed. It's still perversely funny either way; but let's not lose sight on how much BS is oozing out of this spot. The nephews still sit there amused by all this and still won't help him because Huey is doing a find job handling it. So we go stage right as Huey get a swordfish up it's ass by Maltac which is even more perversely funny than a fish; because at least it makes sense with the context of the episode; although I wonder how Maltac is getting all these fish since they were the exact same fish that landed in Melherb's bucket! Which is even funnier when you think about it even though it makes as much sense as your average Nickelodeon cartoon.
So the nephews taunt Huey some more with their smug ass attitude as Huey yells at them that he gets the point and needs help now. He gets chased stage left by Maltac and her swordfish as Dewey and Louie finally stand up and agree to help. So Huey dodges the swordfish at the wall as Maltac has problems with her swordfish edge sticking into the wall. So she gives up and opens a conveniently placed trap door and rips out a lead pipe. Somehow; envisioning Kit doing this would be even better on Don Karnage; but it's not going to happen. The nephews run stage left as Maltac chases them as we see a conveniently placed big ass torpedo in the background as Dewey and Louie stop. Oh; that is not contrived in the very least, no siree. So Dewey brings out a regular hammer and then Maltac stops and begs for mercy as she drops the lead pipe. Well; there goes all of Maltac's heat right there, and I don't feel sorry for her since she had very little heat to begin with. She pleads for the nephews not to do anything foolish; so Huey comes in and pushes the crappy button...errr...I mean the water bottle button which sprays water in her face. Sadly; that white face is her real face and not makeup as Louie brings in the lemon pie of doom and smashes it in her face. Yawn. Let Wilmer turn on Maltac already as Dewey slingshots about seven pencils and Maltac dives into the torpedo which it's hatch is already open. Logic? What logic? This is Quack Pack; home of out of nowhere space aliens. I'm shocked Maltac didn't bring that out as a weapon. Dewey and Louie put Wilmer into the other torpedo chamber; so there was no turn on Maltac by Wilmer as the nephews close the hatches as Huey and Dewey push the red buttons on them and they get shot out of the submarine sea monster of doom and we cut to the octopus with black shades on a rock as he sees two fish like torpedoes coming towards him; so he uses the tentacles and grabs Maltac and Wilmer and I'm guessing that this is Ultros from Final Fantasy VI; only muted by Terra. So yeah; that is that.
So Louie and Dewey wipe their hands clean of this case; but Huey looks at the periscope and proclaims that it's not over because they still need to steer the thing which is heading straight for the beach. The nephews panic on cue as they crash onto the beach on the left side and miss everyone and the beach itself despite being headed straight for the area where the people are. BS&P RULEZ~! So the submarine grounds itself into the sand and destroys a half dozen palm trees; but otherwise no real damage done as Donald is flipped to the front of the submarine and Donald looks up and sees the face of the sea monster itself and he panics; and then drops the line, smacks into the sand and faints. So then the muscle head police officer with short on arrives and demands answers to this outrage which is illegal parking. The side doors open as the nephews pop up. The officer asks who is going to move this thing and Dewey and Louie point to Huey because they are rotten cowards. As usual as the final shot focuses on Melherb sleeping and no selling all of this the whole time. HAHA! This ends the episode at 21:00 aired. This falls under Quack Pack's best division: Entertaining Crap. ** 1/4 (45%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; there's not much to say about this. The story line made some sense; Donald/Melherb was good enough as padding, the main plot was perversely funny despite the fact that this made no sense at all; and Huey's as a PI was so laughably bad that it had to be intentional on the writers part. It felt like a Spongebob Squarepants cartoon; only pulled off by characters who cannot do the shtick properly to save their lives; which makes it perversely funny and really stupid at the same time. Your enjoyment of this episode depends on how much you are willing to let your brains fall out; and this episode was great from that point of view. And yes; Melherb is a dead ringer to Herb; but at least Herb is funny and it's Disney's own character at least, unlike the many dead ringed designed used in Fanboy & Chum Chum. Overall; an okay episode with a lot of BS that was perversely funny enough not to offend me in anyway. If there was a bit more logic to the proceeding and less BS&P'ing; then this episode would have been a thumbs up. You know what; I have decided that from now until the end of this series which has nine episodes left to do; I'm not going to tell you which episodes I am doing next weekend. I've decided that the continuity is so shot in this show; that I'm going to pick the next three episodes to do from a hat on Friday and do the prep work on those three. So Duckerlation of Independence will probably be delayed until the last episode of this series; but that is subject to change depending on my mood. The bottom line is: I needed something to entertain me today and it was delivered in spades. Perversely entertaining mind you; but still entertaining nevertheless. And sometimes; that is the best you can ever hope for. So........
Thumbs barely down (although if you want entertainment; this is a thumbs up assuming you check your logic meter at the door) for this episode and I'll see you next time.