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Ducky Dearest
Reviewed: 03/02/2013
Please Reform These Nephews Back To Ducktales!
Okay; so we are rolling down the hill on this show and we have an episode featuring Donald buying into woo and quackery in order to restore the "integrity" of his precious nephews. I think you can see the obvious problem with this summary alone. So; let's rant on and find out shall we...?!
This episode is written by Laraine Arkow. The story editing is done by Karl Geurs. Laraine started out as a script coordinator for Darkwing Duck (Days of Blunder) as her DTVA debut. She did writing for Starla & The Jewel Riders and Captain Simian & The Space Monkeys which is her most recent credit. She also wrote episodes for Raw Toonage, The Little Mermaid The Series and Bonkers. That's it. The animation studio is unknown.
Opening Moment #1: Today's title card features two creepy Jack-In-The-Boxes with spotlights flashing out of them. One has a star and the other has a clown. Whatever.
So we begin this episode at Donald's house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as there is crashing and we see Donald and the nephews playing tennis in the living room. Integrity?! What integrity?! Then we head to the kitchen as Donald is on the grill grilling stuff for hamburgers and then flips them onto three plates with buns, topping and meat in front of the hungry nephews who proceed to chow down like dogs. Dewey checks his watch and there is a double feature movie on television; which involves blood sucking aliens and roller zombies which Dewey sells like he's a vampire. Yawn. So they run towards the living room and Donald blocks the way with the Gruffi pose; and then produces a big ass bowl and popcorn and we sit down and enjoy the Z-Grade movie. I still don't get the point of making Donald look out of character here because character interaction is one of the show's biggest weak points. So we have the nephews praising him for being extreme and Donald seems so humble. Then we scene change to the nephews being asleep and Donald finally starts to doze off and sleep himself. So then we see Louie on top of the green sofa wake up along with the other nephews as they get the CALVIN EVIL LOOKS OF DOOM and sneak off stage left out of the living room. Integrity?! What integrity?! Donald then gets screamed by a balding man with an orange suit and a golden tooth in his mouth; which looks like bronze. Apparently; he wants Donald to wake up and smell the crime wave. If he's talking about the quality of this show; then I'm in full agreement here. We see the man in front of a large amount of crates with his ugly face on it. Oh yeah; he has no inflated ego, no siree! He is Doctor Chuck Homer (believed to be voiced by Richard Ryder) and he looks almost like Doctor Phil today. Almost. He is certainly no Doctor Phil as even Phil is a lot more subtle than this guy. It sounds like a sweeps piece turned into a commercial (Do you know where your kids are? Answer: I don't have kids. I'm not married and I cannot keep a relationship that doesn't involve sex. Okay?) as Donald looks around and the nephews are gone.
Donald calls for them and of course the man talks as if we are on Dora The Explorer. I love how in the promo that the nephews are running amok under his nose and being nasty, mean, cruel and not nice. It's not the BS&P'ing that is the problem here. The problem is; even if you believe that this is a self-contained episode, you have to realize that the nephews being mean, nasty and not nice is their character. And they have done this many times IN FRONT OF DONALD DUCK! They run amok all the time even when Donald seems them. Sometimes he actually joins in the fun. Again; how can I take Doctor Homer seriously as a fraudster when you cannot restore something that doesn't exist? Like the nephews' "integrity"? They have no damn integrity! Otherwise; they wouldn't be the crappy characters they are in this show! This plotline works a lot better with Kit and Baloo because Chuck Homer is a perfect foil to make Baloo believe that Kit is secretly wanting to stab Baloo in the back and do evil things because we know Kit's past enough to know that he is capable of evil and the corruption of power. I mean; look at how Dand Dawson was able to sweep Kit away from Baloo in Stormy Weather? Now imagine the roles are reversed... Yeah; a compelling storyline. Not here when you have cardboard cutouts for characters and nothing that we haven't seen before. So this premise is doomed right from the start. This is going to be a long episode; I can just smell it. So we get the sales pitch because Donald cannot trust his nephews despite him loving them; which is stupid because Donald never have much love for the nephews in the first place; and Donald's trust was broken many episodes ago starting with cleaning their room in the very first episode! 555-CRISIS (555-274747). Ah! I see that the writers were smart enough to not use a proper telephone number. Although the last two digit could be Extension 47; but no phone number exists with that either. And we get the jackhammer background with the red phone. Yawn. Donald blows it off and turns off the television. Well; he is resisting this which is good...
...and then he goes to the window and notices the nephews with the CALVIN EVIL LOOKS OF DOOM (seriously! They have the same facial expression of evil as Calvin from Calvin & Hobbies. Sadly; no peeing jokes will be present in this version though) with parcels as the dreaded VOICEOVER OF DOOM beckons. Damn; even Chuck is Drake's stage manager now as Donald rushes to the green sofa and snores in a contrived fashion. We also discover that the stuff has gone from bland colors to colors you would normally see in gift wrap. The nephews whisper yell that they did it under his nose which is kind of stupid because these nephews usually do this in front of Donald when he's awake. Kind of pointless tripe if you ask me. The nephews sneak out of the living room as Donald opens his eye and we fade to black three and a half minutes in. I swear that the scene changer must hate this show for some reason. So it's morning as we are in the kitchen as it's flapjacks with syrup and butter which the nephews nearly chow down. They praise Donald and then Donald proclaims that he'll do anything for his boys as he has a really weak selling of evil on his face. Huey and Dewey think Donald's onto them claiming that he didn't make their favorite pancake. Huh? What favorite pancake? They don't even explain what that favorite is as Louie proclaims that Donald trusts them and thus doesn't know what is going on. This makes absolutely no sense at all and even less sense is Donald overflowing a glass of orange juice. They do the Ernie laugh of doom while grinning teeth and then Huey notices his watch and in contrived fashion proclaims that they have homework to do which involve nuclear fission math. They eat the rest of the pancakes; and then drink a glass of orange juice on the counter in stereo. Which would have been more impressive if there were three glasses on the far shot when Donald was overflowing the juice. The nephews exit stage left and Donald isn't impressed as we fade to black about thirty seconds after the first one.
So we return in the garage with Donald using the broom to sweep up. He sweeps up as the nephews watch on from the trapdoor as Donald notices Dewey's nuclear physics book. I doubt it's Dewey's; it must be Gustav's because we all know Dewey is no mental giant in anyway. Donald goes up the trapdoor and the nephews are gone with the bed sheet rope spot that really needs to be retired. So we get some crappy animation sequence as Donald's eardrums gets exposed and killed by the voice of Chuck Homer in his head; complete with jackhammer brain background. And old farts accuse Fanboy & Chum Chum of this nonsense?! Donald gets all paranoid and somehow teleports out of the bedroom and to the kitchen where the phone is. He actually rips the phone off the wall and calls the number for Chuck Homer's hotline and we discover that it's $29.95; but Donald wants it now and he gets speedy delivery too. So Chuck's arm comes out of the phone (!!!) and steals the money as his package will be here right now. Donald runs outside and we get the explosion of doom as we see a huge rocket missile stuck in the middle of the front yard. Yeah. So Donald jumps down and some mech arms grab Donald and force him inside the missile. He returns wearing the most hideous green sci-fi costume I have ever seen outside of a B-movie. It also has a big ass screen in the same sense as Penny's watch from Inspector Gadget; but much uglier. We see automated Chuck Homer doing the answering machine gimmick as Donald pushes button two; which we don't see and that gives Donald x-ray vision that is red as we see red web footprints as Chuck continues to poison the well. So Donald gets his ass kicked by the missile's mech leg and we somehow segue to a crashing sound while seeing a mall. Again; this doesn't make any sense as we head inside the mall where Donald is hiding behind a vase of bamboo shoots. Donald puts up the goggles as he notices the nephews with shopping bags coming out of three different stores. So Donald's watch seems to have a microphone with a grip attached to it as it extends towards the unsuspecting nephews. Apparently they bought spray paint, matches and dynamite which gets Donald all paranoid again. YIKES!
Donald goes to his watch as he pushes number three and Chuck proclaims that they are going to blow up the city as Donald panics seeing Duckberg on fire in an image in the background which is a neat visual; but makes no sense. Donald seriously believes that they have enough TNT to blow up a city. Maybe a house; or a school, but an entire city?! How?! I know Donald isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but this is where apathy for someone is completely apporos. Namely; Chuck Homer. So the nephews notice Donald's screaming in panic and they bail outside the mall as Donald follows and yells for them to stop. The nephews notice the spy gear of doom and proclaim that they'll never shrug him off. Louie wants to have some fun at his expense as we run into the parking lot. Donald uses the x-ray of doom to pick up the red tracks and he runs into a mailbox with a wussy bump. Remember kiddies: ALWAYS take off the x-ray vision when you are chasing someone. X-Ray Goggle wearing is similar to the devastating effects caused by drinking and driving; and using mobile devices while driving. Like a cellphone or text messenger. This public service is presented by me because I'm not having any fun watching this episode. So we return to Donald's house as the nephews do some handstands for no reason whatsoever; then climb a tree; and then jump to grab the bed sheet rope which Donald never took down and they climb through the window and into their bedroom. They then go over the list as Huey asks about string and Dewey and Louie accuse each other of having to get it. Huey is flustered as they have to go back to the store; but Donald will be out here. However; the Krackpotkin Plan is in full effect as we cut to Donald crawling into the (moral) sewer and then under a car; then other a bush and into a house (complete with girl screaming) and then outside as Donald gets maimed by the invisible dog of doom as Donald panics and we cut to inside Donald's house as Donald runs in and locks the door. Whatever.
Oh; and Donald's suit is really damaged as he checks the watch and it's still operational. Donald wants to give up right now (which would be smart); but Chuck screams at him because his kids are at stake. So he orders Donald to check their room. So Donald pops out of his clothes which is the first neat spot of the episode almost eight minutes in! Donald gets the ladder from out of nowhere and props it against the trapdoor. He tries to open the trapdoor; but it's locked. Chuck takes this as they have something to hide. Oh swell; I have seen this before in the classic shorts which involved the nephews buying him cigars for his birthday and Donald thought that they were smoking them; so he then proceeded to make the nephews SMOKE them! That was really evil of Donald and it fit his jackass character to a T. However; BS&P isn't going to allow that here, so Donald looks like a paranoid freak which is not a good characterization for him; more so when he's supposed to be a tweener. So Donald brings out the chainsaw of doom and tries to cut the door open; but no dice. So Donald comes down and has a carjack which has a box filled with explosives. I have heard of psychological projection from verbal explosives; but this is the first time I have seen it done in physical form. Donald is about to blow the trapdoor down; and then the nephews walk in and blow Donald off as Donald has that look of "I'm screwed aren't I?" as the car jack comes down. The nephews race up the ladder and into their room; remembering to slam the trapdoor shut as the explosives..umm...explode. And somehow with no logic nor reason; Donald gets blown into the wall with a Scooby Doo Snow Angel spot. Even worse Donald pops up with only a band aid on his beak and no injuries whatsoever. That is so lame even the nephews blow him off for that insipid spot. So the nephews slam the trapdoor and nail boards into it because somehow a bunch of explosives can stop two layers of wood and nails. And somehow the ladder is still intact just to add to the number of logic break in this spot alone. Boy; this episode is so brutal.
Donald demands that he be let in as the nephews wonder what to do now as Donald is in his car (which is out of nowhere) and drives it out of the driveway with a rope attached to the knob. Donald claims that he'll show them; but Chuck stops this because apparently it's all DONALD'S fault. Yeah; after CHUCK ordered HIM to break INTO the bedroom in the first place! Another sign of woo: Blaming the victim for his misdeeds. Wonder if Mike Adams was watching this episode for pointers. And we do the Donald shrinks into an ant after Chuck hurls insults of his character. This was so much better when cigars were involved decades ago. Isn't it funny that Chuck tries to prove that the nephews have empathy despite the fact that Chuck started with the premise that they have no empathy. Sadly; that is close to accurate with the nephews in reality. Well; the Quack Pack ones anyway. We then see the nephews on the phone calling someone as we see that they are calling to Gustav Goose's bedroom. Oh joy! Our guru of Satan is back! At least he doesn't suck nearly as much as the nephews so that means that he gets to run interference while the nephews hide the presents at his house. Gustav will meet at eight as the nephews put the phone down and look evil. Am I watching DTVA or Nickelodeon? I'm having a hard time figuring out which is which here. So we have Donald crying an apology and Chuck still screams at him that it might be too late. And of course like any good master of vile quackery he's selling more stuff including the "perfect parent" kit. Donald wants two of them as he stuffs the money into the white courtesy phone. Mike Adams?! CALL YOUR OFFICE!! We have a live one here! So Donald goes outside and a missile comes in and crates of boxes rain down on Donald's front lawn. This is the one time where shouting "Get Off My Lawn" works. Sadly; all we get is Chuck screaming at Donald and Donald grabbing the boxes and running inside. So we head into the living room as it is littered with boxes of Chuck's ego as Donald is on the crates listening to Chuck proclaim that step one is to stop the nephews from listening to bad music. So I'm guessing anime dubs are also out of the question too.
I just love the fact that BS&P doesn't allow the first step to be: stop the nephews from listening to mind rotting cartoons, because bad music doesn't work from an irony standpoint. Plus it does not puts heat on Donald and Chuck, this only puts heat on the crappy writer because there is no irony in this first step. So we go to the nephews bedroom and they are playing so badly that Donald should stop this. Not because it is rotting their minds; but because they are so unlikable. Dewey appears to be pulling teeth in the background on one shot. So we cut to the wall where the boom box (which looks more modern than the one used in Deadman's Drop) and a circular hole is cut through the wall. Donald grabs the boom box and replaces it with a clown radio speaker which spews out letters of the alphabet. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love that spot! Sadly; this is the wrong episode to be trying this crap. The nephews act like robot claiming that this is melting their brain. Well; you melted our brains for 32 episodes already; so this is Donald returning the favor for US! So Huey sits down on an out of nowhere stool as Dewey blows his hair with the hairdryer and then turns the thing onto the hot side and then blows the clown radio and it melts into a steaming balloon. Huh? No melting to bring irony to the joke about melting brains? IDIOTS!! So we head back to Donald using a crowbar to open the crates and then hears the nephews as they are playing with robots on the floor. Dewey and Louie are controlling the robot; while Huey cheers for death. Donald looks at his watch as Chuck is now dressed as a hippie who promotes peace, love and tranquility. Which is ironic since he has been screaming violent notions into Donald's ear for the last five minutes or so. So Donald uses the saw on the floor to cut a circular hole and it brings the robots down and brings up a small pink bunny. EASTER SADISM RULEZ~! Yeah; a gas engine chainsaw cannot cut through a trapdoor; but a rip saw can cut through the floor like butter.
So the nephews huddle together as the pink bunny wants a hug and the nephews panic and exit stage left. Dewey gets dropped as the pink bunny hugs his leg. HAHA! And you thought kids running and screaming away from an apple was weak willed?! Kit Cloudkicker would love to be hugged; but then again he has seen the worst of the poison of toxic manliness close up. So the nephews run in and we get the FCC FRIENDLY CLOUDDUST FIGHT OF DEATH. Yeah; there is peace, love and tranquility going on in this scene as we head to the kitchen with Donald and a dozen metal cans on the counter. According to Chuck Homer; it's his alt-med formula of super food for healthy bodies and minds. When do we get to the part where Chuck tells Donald to not vaccinate the nephews?! So we cut to Huey on the phone ordering Gustav to get here right now because Donald is trying to brainwash them and they are afraid that they might crack. They are saying that as if it's a BAD thing. And then Donald shows up from the trap door proclaiming that dinner is ready and sounding evil. That ends the segment 11 and a half minutes in. What a brutal episode this has been so far and it is only going to get dumber from here...
After the commercial break; we go to the dining room as we are having a candlelight dinner. What is wrong with this picture nep...Oh wait; it's the nephews with vanilla bibs sitting down. I should have guessed. Donald brings out the platter and we open it to find three pieces of meat, 1/10 slice of white bread and a broccoli spring. Donald calls it low in fat and high in fiber. Should have used whole wheat bread and whole wheat bread is NOT white. Racist twit! The nephews have their forks and eat up and make grinding noises. At first I thought the food was too hard; but it seems that they chomped on their forks whole because I don't see them anymore. Then the doorbell rings and Donald goes to the door to answer it while the nephews spit out the food; which wasn't much at all to begin with. Oh come on! I've seen much worse tasting food from MacDonalds than this crap. You nephews would be laughed out of a Fey Rey casting; they are so over dramatic. Take one guess who is ringing the door bell. So Donald peeps through the keyhole as the nephews are relieved to see Gus at the door. Donald doesn't see any harm in Gus and is about to open the door but Chuck claims that step four is to screen for friends because they might be a bad influence and then they show a freaked out zombie like duck with red hair and a blue jacket. So Donald looks in the keyhole and sees the same image Chuck showed to Donald within Gustav and panics. So Donald bails and then calls for Gustav to come in. Gustav walks into the house like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered and Donald brings out the big guns which include mech claws; an X-Ray machine that shows yellow bones and a stool containing two detective robots who play good cop, bad cop really, really badly on Gustav and Gustav confesses to sticking gum on Donald's chair when he was five years old. Really now Gustav? Jeepers; you are lame today! The nephews panic and run in to shove Gustav to behind the wall and they blow him off and "disown" him as a friend. So Gustav returns in a fur coat looking even fatter than he was only ten seconds ago. Huh. You don't suppose the nephews are under there eh?
Donald completely mocks Gustav as they go through the X-Ray Machine which completely exposes them; but Donald ignores it anyway. Donald then opens his eyes and the nephews are gone as Donald is sliding down the window in grief. Then Chuck is on the watch proclaiming that there is no step five as he uses Donald to show up personally and screams in his face again. Boy; the windbags are full of woo today as Chuck pins a medal on Donald's shirt. And on a close up glance; the medal has a pentagram on it. WOW! I thought BS&P purged that from the animator's evil minds. So we get more screaming in the face (here's a clue: Real doctors don't blame the victim for their actions. Just so you would like to know.) and a convoluted sequence involving a big ass courtroom as Judge Chuck Homer appears and reads off the charges which no one cares because he reads way too fast and this is contrived and forced anyway. Also we have the nephews dressed up as thugs in black gear with rasps, toothpicks, beak rings and coins. Pffftttt. Whatever. And Dewey is wearing a black eye patch so he's a pirate as Donald screams in pain. This is so contrived and forced that even Kick Buttowski would have pause. So Chuck brings out the gravel and it changes into a crying blue towels and he cries at them for being misguided souls. Wow; now we have five sociopaths in this scene. I fear for Gustav's brain right now as you can guess that Donald gets blamed for it and we get another convoluted sequence of Donald being in prison for life. Geez; what cruel and unusual punishment this is and not just for Donald Duck either?! I'm not calling this crap and yes; the nephews got off scott-free. Whatever as Donald lands on his face on solid rock and then we have three thugs walk in and this is one of those moments where I wish BS&P stepped in and not allow this; but of course they love prison rape jokes which completely offends me now. Yeah; and just to finish the insulting sequence; they blame Donald for spying on his nephews; when it was CHUCK HOMER who told him to spy on them! Again; more blaming the victim!
Donald rattles the iron bars which thankfully means that we return to reality seeing Donald shaking the bars of a wooden chair. Thank goodness that is over and done with. Donald is crying on the table as we hear Huey's voice and it is so evil that the nephews are staying at Gustav's house until tomorrow. Donald panics like mad as he goes to the watch and pushes the first button on the left as Chuck appears on screen to tell him that the course is over; but if he needs help, then his hotline is a step away as it's 555-HELP (555-4357) as his screaming shatters the glass. Whatever. By the way; the phone number in real life points to Grand Rapids, Michigan; Framingham, Mass and Carolina, Virgin Islands. Wanna bet the last one is where Chuck Homer's home? So Donald hops into the love seat and dials the number; remembering to press for option three which he presses twice (must be *3 or 3#; because otherwise it doesn't make sense); only to get yelled at again about Gustav leading them to a life of crime. I just knew that Wise Man book was a How To guide to be a Hitman. I just needed the evidence to prove it; although if Gustav murders the nephews; would we feel bad? Donald of course is over dramatic to the extreme as this episode just keeps getting stupider and stupider. Boy Orac; those films on woo and quackery in real life better be WORSE than this one; or I'm going to be so disappointed. So the crying continues to annoy me; but Chuck finally proclaims that there is hope to getting him away from Gustav; which is called Camp Happi (I guess the Happi Coat from Unchained Blades is from their gift shop.). They go for two weeks in the brainwashing...ERRR...happiness place where the trees won't get them. Donald agrees to it cart-blanche and we sign the papers and steal the money literally over the phone. I guess this is the place where they explain how vaccines are evil and other crap like that and how science has dulled your kids in atheist submission. That is so depressing much like this episode as we end the segment 16 and a half minutes in. Wow; we might just reach Ducks By Nature levels of idiocy here; only with much fewer logic breaks. So damn vile...
After the commercial break; we head to Gustav's house AFTER HAPPY HOUR (after dark) as we head into a lit window which turns automatically green/blue dark shadows as they show Gustav snoring on the bed while the nephews are making posters for Donald's birthday while Dewey blows balloons and nearly pops his head in the process. Yeah; so the finish is going to be the exact same as in the smoking one; only with a giant middle finger to the audience! The nephews then show that they are only being nice for one year and then they are back to their evil ways; thus justifying Donald's panicking and paranoia right there. So we hear honking outside and then we see Donald drive next to the sidewalk with a camper attached to the car. So I take that the RV is property of either Daisy or Kent Powers from What In The World? That's really stupid. So the nephews bail and you know what: at this point; if I were the nephews, I would just let him in and have a birthday party right now! I mean; there are NO cigars involved, so Donald cannot repeat his evil performance in the classic shorts, so make like Webke and do it! Oh great; now I'm talking like a duck. That's horrifying. So Donald invokes the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE and loops it around the nephews (oops; too late for my plan) as Donald throws them out of the house and into the back trailer which justifies not using the RV. A trailer prison with glass as bars as the nephews protest this outrage. Donald proclaims that he's taking them on vacation and we speed away to Happi Camp which is a whacky campsite with the Jack In The Boxes as shown in the title card; and lots of checkered grass. It looks like something out of Alice In Wonderland; only more vile when the context of Chuck's form of woo and quackery are in play. I don't get how Doctor Phil is any worse than Doctor Chuck Homer? Then again; Phil is real and Chuck is not real. So there you go; I answered my own question like a smug ass nephew. That's horrifying.
Donald stops and is standing on the seat proclaiming that they are here; and in another gaping logic break, the side door is unlocked. They could have just jumped out? What a load of bullcrap this is?! Anyhow; the nephews look from the unlocked side door and we get Chuck on the PA proclaiming that this is Camp Happi where there is no escape from the fun as a prison barrier with barbed wire shows up out of nowhere along with the most fake and crappiest designs of mother nature I have ever seen. Then we see a family of four (a PERFECT straight, white family no less) skipping along proclaiming that they are happy in the most contrived manner possible. Like singing off key in the title sequence of Fanboy & Chum Chum. We better find out that they are space aliens; or this might be the worst episode in DTVA history. Donald turns around and the nephews are gone again as it wasn't enough for them to escape, they had to do snow angel spots on the trailer, despite the fact that the door was unlocked the entire time. So the nephews run off with the presents in tow and here's the obvious logic break. Since tomorrow is supposed to be Donald's birthday and it was last night when they said it; so today is Donald's birthday. So why not just have the birthday party INSIDE the trailer?! I mean; that would at least payoff everything and give Donald and the boys time to come up with a plan to screw Chuck over. But no; they run away stage left and meet the out of nowhere prison wall. More Z-grade cardboard crap including Z-grade jingles. The nephews panic (at least it's justified; sort of) and they run off without the presents. Donald runs to the cardboard stuff and notices the presents. So Donald thinks that there are bombs and missiles in the presents which is so stupid even by this show's lowered standards; and I'm saying to just open them NOW! But the nephews run in and take the presents and bail. Dammit! Let Donald destroy the presents already so we can get this really vile episode over with!
So the nephews bail to the brick crossroads and then they run into the conveniently placed log cabin and they prop themselves against the door. Then they hear Chuck's giggles as the nephews slowly go to the saloon doors and open them as we see Chuck putting money into a bag on the table as he admits that he suckered everyone and got Donald's life savings as a result. Wait; how does he know that?! So the nephews barge in and call him out on it while Chuck Homer shakes in fear because Donald comes into the cabin. Yeah; this sucks, but at least we are going to have Chuck get his as the nephews blow him off and go through the saloon doors with the present and they are so F'N stupid that they handle them like guns. Unbelievable! So they circle Donald and get him into the room and Chuck Homer is tied up and gagged in the chair. WHAT? I hope Chuck did this himself; or it's another logic break that this doesn't need. Donald notices him and unties him. Chuck panics like crazy because they tied him up and tried to rob him. Of his heat? If so; then they are pretty crappy at doing it because you have to have heat first. So the nephews decide to play along and point their "weapons" at the adults as Chuck shakes like a leaf again while Donald sort of stands his ground. This goes on for a while; and then in one of the most insulting moments in this series ever (and one that they would steal for 101 Dalmatians: The Series), the nephews stop selling and do this flat monotone while opening the present to show a fishing rod, golf club and a telescope which is what Donald always wanted; and they say happy birthday. Donald is in tears and he embraces the nephews. So out of nowhere and so forced beyond the pale that it needs a separate paragraph...
Now there are three problems with this scene: #1 it was completely out of nowhere so it looked downright forced with no non verbal cues, #2 they could have done this as soon as they existed the trailer; thus making the whole thing hollower and hollower as time progressed, and #3 and most importantly: they tried to do pathos and looked worse than the cardboard cutout in Chuck's camp because the nephews have acted like jackasses throughout the series and have whizzed on Donald so many times that there is zero chance for me to take this moment seriously because they acted like comedy cutouts for so long. Now Donald isn't completely blameless because he acted like a paranoid idiot throughout the thing; more so than usual, but still, I won't blame him for this stupidity. Chuck is a monster heel and he's supposed to be a scumbag and unlikable, so that leaves the nephews who could have ended this crap the moment they made it to Camp Happi. They could have had the birthday, show that the presents were not weapons, and then Donald could finally explain his actions like a mature adult would. That would build character and make the vileness of this episode easier to swallow. I could go into my usual rant about feeling cheated about middle age women doing a child's voice again; but there is so many things wrong with this finish that if they did it right; I can look well past that nitpick. So yeah. Chuck sneaks out and runs out of the house leaving a trail of money behind. So we head outside as the nephew set up the telescope while Chuck goes up the hill; while Huey sets the coordinates on the fishing pole and shoots the reel like a gun and it grabs the bag of money away from Chuck allowing him to take a bump as Huey places a golf ball on the out of nowhere tee as Donald plays golf and hits it into the air as Chuck runs up the hill and gets bonked in the head and knocked out. Okay; that was pretty funny and the voice of the golf ball was cute and contrived. The golf ball bounces back as the nephews ask about calling the cops.
However; Donald is not done with Chuck just yet as we see Chuck tied up and at the mercy of his own creation. HAHA! Now that is the ending I expected from the start and is ironic to boot. Too bad that I had to watch 20 minutes of crap to get to that great ending. So Chuck begs for mercy (and also does the old "talk about the money back promo while sounding flat and then over sell mercy after that." promo to boot) as Donald drives away and waves goodbye to this crappy episode as the fake raccoon pops up and the FBCC-equse music plays in the background to end the episode at 20:58 aired. That is a 1.3 CUCKOO (it would have been a 2.8 CUCKOO if not for the good ending) in my book as this episode really sucked badly and the whole thing reeked of creepy since this is basically the anti-vax vision of the world (minus the ending of course). Call it - ** (-40%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Wow; I knew this episode was doomed from the start after reading the summary; but I was hoping for an entertaining car crash and instead I got the crappy button pushed far too many times to be healthy. So the positives were Chuck Homer was decent enough; but had no heat. He overdid the vile scumbag act; but at least he acted the part. A few cute spots which ended with an ending that was suitable and fitting because I felt like Chuck after watching this for 20 minutes; so at least Donald still has his sick sense of humor. However; there are so many problems with this episode:
(1.) The whole premise of the episode is about getting happy kids
and restoring their integrity. However; the nephews have no integrity
in this entire series and even Donald has seen it and allowed it. We
are supposed to feel bad for the nephews for Donald being an
overbearing parent who is paranoid; but the nephews have been so
unlikable for so long now that there is no heat because the one to
feel bad in this is Donald Duck himself.
(2.) There was no subtly
with Chuck Homer whatsoever. The idea of him being a scumbag heel was
obvious to start with; but it was made worse as he was screaming
commands instead of being firm. Doctor Phil is much better at this
subtle stuff even though he is a crappy doctor in general. I realize
that kids need to boo the heel; but Chuck doesn't need to do much
poisoning of the well and he could have done it in a subtle way and
still get the point across that he's a scumbag heel. Kids are going
to boo him anyway because he's getting Donald to do the dirty work on
the nephews like a cowardly heel would. Dan Dawson is a perfect
example of how to pull it off and he's a lot slimier than Chuck
because he was willing to kill to get pops from the crowd. He sounds
a lot more Mike Adams than he should be.
(3.) The whole Gustav
thing would have been comedy gold if it wasn't so mistimed and
contrived. Gustav is better than the nephews; but that isn't saying
much when he is only one of about five kids in this series in
general; and three are the nephews themselves and Suzy is a prop. And
the robots would have been a lot cooler as heelish bad cops if they
tickled Gustav into confessing which would have good psychology. And
Gustav confession was lame anyway along with the obvious escape that
Donald has to ignore which makes him look weak.
(4.) The whole
prison sequence from the courthouse to the prison was absurd; but it
wasn't funny either. Thank goodness that they didn't go all the way
and invoke the drop the soap jokes; or we would have a missing
episode on our hands. Oh wait..
(5.) Too many logic breaks as
usual. I mention them in the rant; so no use recapping them all. One
phrase: unlocked door!
(6.) Happi Camp was fake as hell and the
character designs came off as overbooked tripe. None of the spots
were believable.
(7.) The pathos scene where Donald had a tear in
his eye deserved the jeers the late Jim Kellogg described. Jim
Kellogg was talking about attitude and morality from Beavis &
Butthead when he wrote about how Disney Animation lost it's heart;
but I have to disagree with him that the kids hate pathos. It's more
of an indifference to them because comedy is easier to work with.
Which is perfectly fine if the show is actually funny and the jokes
are beyond the standard "Pablo Dog" humor (like bathroom
humor) which will always trigger a laugh from the kids because they
are not mature enough to know there is a time and place for farts and
such. Again; why should be cheering this when the nephews have acted
like cardboard jackasses for so long that they suddenly care for
Donald only to admit that they are going to go back to not caring
about Donald after the birthday is over? I get the cynical attitude
here; but there is a limit to how far you can go before you go from
merely skeptical to being an outright asshole. The nephews have
crossed that line pretty much from the very first episode. It's
similar to the two part finale in 101 Dalmatians The Series in that
they finally went for the pathos scene and hoped in desperation that
it would get over and it didn't because the characters were way too
shallow for us to care. That's why you must be extremely careful when
you try to do a hybrid pathos/comedy show that there is a perfect
balance between the two; because without that; you get a complete
bomb like this show. The people who watched this for comedy hate this
show because most of this show is not funny and no one who watches
old Disney likes it because the pathos are contrived and many of the
characters come off as such geeks and asshole. And because of who was
running things in DTVA; anyone who is watching just to enjoy 22
minutes of entertainment are also screwed. And then everyone is
surprised when it got trapdoored after 39 episode. Actually; I'm
surprised that they didn't get the pink slip after 13 EPISODES~!
Lower standards I guess.
And yet again; the same Quack Pack nephews I remember. It's sad because they had a perfectly good idea on paper which has complete relevance on today's modern world due to the "Alternative Medicine" craze which is not medicine in case you didn't notice the scare quotes are intentional. I mean; even Chuck Homer's mean streak wasn't the biggest issue and only needed to be toned down. It's just that the characters involved don't fit this. Kit Cloudkicker is a better case for this as the nephews because then we can cheer Kit because we know he's mature; but the plot line doesn't work 100% well since the show takes place in the 1930's. Unless Orac can produce evidence of this Alt Med Vs. Medicine existed in mass in this time period; it would look a wee bit dated. Also Baloo is not nearly as stupid as Donald is (Rebecca would be a better choice; but even that would be too risky for BS&P today. Although they sort of did that to her in Spy In The Ointment and it turned out fine.). So overall; a Tasty Paste quality episode only a lot more vile given the context. Just five episodes to go . So........
Thumbs way down in hell for this episode and I'll see you next time.