Return to 50 Webs
Disclaimer#1: All images, characters and material is (C) 1990/1991 Walt Disney Company and is being used without permission. The webmaster has made sure that no money was made in the creation of this webpage and that all material used here is used with the up most affection and respect to the Walt Disney Company and the Tale Spin Team.
Disclaimer#2: The views expressed here are solely the views of the webmaster and no one else's. The webmaster has no intentions to change anyone's minds about a particular subject and respects the views of the viewers. Comments about this and other editorial can be E-Mail at email@example.com or signing the Cloudkicker guest book.
It's A Bird, It's Insane, It's Dale!
The episode that drove me insane...
Well; we head to the second to last “Episode I look forward to” as it's Dale's second appearance only this time as a superhero which is pretty funny when you consider that it's usually the villains who are insane. So how does this episode do? Let's rant on and find out shall we...?!
This episode is written by Dev Ross and Tad Stones. The story is edited by Bryce Malek and supervised by Tad Stones. The animation is done by Wang Films/Cuckoos' Nest Studio.
We begin this one with a space world screen with shooting meteors shooting Wii beams. Okay; this is different as we hear Astronomer #1 (helpfully labeled as such by Disney Captions) talking to Doctor Hibbleman in a weird science voice as we cut to the top of the lab as two astronomers and the good doctor are playing with the giant telescope. They call it an alien meteor swarm which shows that Tri-Ace didn't invent the term for their awesome meteor spell. Although this swarm will probably show mercy for the damned since this is Disney after all. They of course talk in such complex speaking that I'm sure Eisner is having a meltdown as we speak. And one of them is wearing the goofy glasses and the dorky red hair to boot. Apparently according to the Minkoff equation (a play on Rob Minkoff who was working on The Lion King when this episode aired according to the six year rule of Disney Feature.) the meteor will hit earth which is blown off by the old astronomer who is a midget with a lot of white hair, round nose and more goofy glasses. He also talks in a bad German accent to the point where Disney Caption even uses a German word for his dialog. His calculations indicate that the odds of a meteor hitting the earth are astronomical. Oh please; give us an actual number even if the kids don't get it. It's like they are cracking back space jokes to amuse me. Oh wait; never mind. He proclaims that it will NEVER happen and even if it does no harm will come to Planet Slightly Alternative Universe Earth (TM Gregorysoft International All Rights Reserved.). And then we cut and pan up into deep space as a meteor/comet breaks Slightly Alternative Universe Earth's atmosphere into the city; breaks into two and goes into opposite directions. I wonder if Hibbleman was a bad cousin for Mr. Ron Wyatt. For those who don't know who the late Ron Wyatt; he was a nurse anesthetist who claimed to not only find Noah's Ark and anything related to the bible for “real”; but he also had the “actual blood” of Jesus. Scare quotes intentional since the whole thing was such a scam even most Religious Right groups have debunked him. When Answers In Genesis debunks you; you are hosed as a creationist.
Anyhow; one half of the meteorite makes a hole in the roof of a small business called Seymour Travel. Somehow; I do not like where this one is going. Seymour sells that he got hit despite not seeing him get hit due to BS&P. So we cut to underneath a tree as Dale is humming as he slaps trees to knock down acorns to fill in his sack of acorns. Dale?! Doing actual hard work?! And liking it?! And not being pestered by Chip to do it?! CALL THE OUT OF CHARACTER DEPARTMENT!! He tries to hit the tree baseball style; but the other half of the meteor crashes down and somehow manages to blow up causing Dale to be buried by his own acorns despite not seeing the meteor even come close to making contact with the ground. Logic break #1 for the episode; but I thought it was funny so Wang Films is safe for now. If they turn into Sun Woo; then I would be seriously worried about my reputation. Dale sniffs something burning and then he breaks through his tomb and once again it's GOOFY CHIPMUNK ON FIRE! HAHA! Thankfully; there is a conveniently placed water fountain to soak Dale's ass with. Dale breathes a sigh of relief and then jumps down. He stares in awe over this red glow coming from the hole left by the meteorite (with about ten-fifteen acorns surrounding it). Dale is excited as he reaches out and grabs the Sub-Electron Power Amplifier Version 0.1 from DA....HOLE! This would be refined into a deadly weapon for Don Karnage to use next year I should point out.
Dale calls it a nightlight which shows that he isn't as amused as Molly was when she saw it in TaleSpin. Seriously; minus the cone like pipe design and the ability to shock people when active; this is the Sub-Electron Power Amplifier or the STONE OF DOOM as everyone likes to call it in TaleSpin. Dale wonders where it came from and then he bounces around like a maniac taking some really nasty bumps off of various international objects including stealing two ice cream pops from the ice cream man in the truck (Oh no he didn't!) Dale bounces like a pinball off the bench (now that's pretty goofy and silly.) and launches Dale into the air. And if he lands on Chip's head then I will really care. I don't expect him to however. Dale bounces off the tree and grabs a branch as his body starts acting as if it was placed in the rack. Normally; I would call this a logic break; but since he has the stone, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! Dale gets slingshot (Eat your heart out Molly Cunningham) into the city as we head to a crosswalk (which happens to have stop lights) as a woman wearing all red with black hair (I'm sure 4Kids would find some way to turn it blue since the color is crimson red which is blood see) waiting for the light to turn green. We also see a greasy mugger wearing mostly black with a blue shirt and a black hat which looks Jewish that I think we are seeing a bigot animator in our mists because the mugger gets in from behind the lady and steals her red purse; even remembering to break the strap on it for good measure.
Lady gets dropped on her ass and yells to anyone for help because her purse is stolen. Well; at least she isn't like Drake and uses the Swiper No Swiping rule because if she did then she deserved to be mocked, pitied and shunned for the rest of her life. Mugger runs away remembering to knock a man (with the same red hair as the astronomer from earlier in the episode) on his ass; but remembering to obey the man don't strike woman BS&P law and leaves the woman holding a bag of French Bread alone. We then cut over to Dale (still holding the stone mind you) and he drops and lands right in the mugger's kisser. Mugger goes down harder than Hoppo on Crock. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....Okay; that was more disturbing than I had intended. (Hoppo: About damn time he admitted that one was bigoted.) Dale is wrapped around the mugger's face in more ways than Moosel trying to run away from monsters. See; even I can crack a bad joke on characters I do like. Mugger tries to pull Dale from his face; but no dice. So we cut to a Television Reporter Truck driving down the street looking for dishonest conflict to sell as a product (Thank you Malstorm for not leading me astray.) and the passenger goes all back seat driver on us and orders the van to be stopped as it stops right next to the mugger still unable to peel Dale's racked body away.
And of course the video camera is used because this is a great story as Dale managed to untie himself from the mugger Dale drops with a decent bump onto the sidewalk and looks at the stone proclaiming that the rock must be magic. Probably the same one Zummi should have used to help his satanic spells work better; I don't know. The red lady grabs Dale and thanks him for saving his purse. You know this would have worked a lot better if the lady was going to get attacked instead of the mugger merely stealing his purse; but I still like Dale's way of defeating the mugger so whatever. A crowd shows up to admire their new hero as a man wearing all gray (including a gray cowboy hat) pulls on Dale's arm and is surprised to see it become rubber. And apparently; doing that turns Dale's arm blue. Bad mistake there Wang Films. It springs back as Dale flies out from the shock which magically turns the arm back to brown. Oy vey there Wang Films. Dale bounces away remembering to bump as many times in comically hilarious fashion as the camera man whines because he wanted some closeups. Heartless swine that dishonest type media person is.
So we head back to Rescue Ranger Headquarters as we hear Stan Blatter (I think) proclaim an amazing event that happened less than half an hour ago. Of course thirty minutes ago; I was merely making fun of Ten Pound Hammer from Wikipedia who seems to take great pleasure in erasing a quarter of TaleSpin's article and labeling the article a fan site despite the fact that there were at least two DTVA (Darkwing Duck and Rescue Rangers) shows that had the same problem and none of them were addressed. If he was trying to make me mad he failed miserably since most of my hits from the Unofficial Kit Cloudkicker Homepage did not come from Wikipedia anyway and I only included my link as part of the article when I edited the site. Besides; most of the stuff erased has not been disproved and Disney silence on the matter hasn't helped in that lack of approval. Methinks Ten Pound Hammer has some deeper issues that I'm still trying to sort out. Anyhow; we head inside as the remaining Rangers watch the news as Stan Blatter proclaims that he has some action captured from his super duper dishonest conflict mini-cam. Okay; I made most of that up; but the statement is still true nevertheless as Dale storms in and flexes his face to annoy Chip and to amuse me. Chip ignores him (BOO HISS!) because this dishonest conflict is important for Malstrom to poop on. Okay; maybe not.
Dale then tries the old ARM LASSO OF DOOM trick to become a cowboy and does some tricks very well. Stan Blatter keeps on talking about the purse snatcher (Dig that brand label wordplay) as he shows the footage of Dale attacking the muggers' face in which Dale's fur turns purple. Is this some crack on dubbers of anime using digital paint to cover up nudity or something? Or is this a prime example dubbers using this scene as pointers to edit anime?! Either way; Wang Films has contributed to the dumbing down of editing anime for American audiences. I hope you are proud of yourselves there. Dale cannot believe it is him and the Rangers shhh him down. I am very disappointed in you Gadget. Stan continues to build Dale's superhero status like any dishonest news reporter would as Dale goes all Inspector Gadget on his only to be blown off by Chip himself as he walks to the television set and switches it off. He calls it trick photography which makes him the god of all anime purists everywhere. Which assures that I'll be hating his guts forevermore. Dale leaps over the sofa and blows Dale off in kind as C&D Argument #332 commences. Monty sides with Chip because he has seen weirder thing in a cafeteria line. Well; Monty's cheese addiction is weird so it's apporos I guess. Gadget sides with Dale sort of because the world is full of unexplained events until guys like PZ Meyers explain them of course. Then they become explained events. See; easy.
Zipper touches whatever Gadget was playing with her screwdriver and Zipper gets shocked to death..Okay; not really since main characters dying is a no-no in DTVA. But it does cause some really nasty stuff to Gadget's light orange hair. I guess Cheese Whiz was the only closest thing to bleach blond from Wang Films. Gadget thinks there is a super power chipmunk out there and Dale tries to proclaims that it was him. Chip cuts him off like a heel and wants to get this superhero chipmunk to join the Rescue Rangers. Dale tries to explain; but Monty calls it a bonzer idea and offers to look for him. Even though the guy in question is REALLY DALE. This sequence is really stupid because if Wang Films colored it right; then the whole It's not really Dale even though it's Dale in a superhero costume looks really stupid in hindsight. However; we know that Dale was responsible for this; but Dale was wearing regular clothes when it happened. I chalk this as a contrived sequence altogether just to make it a surprise to the rest of the Rangers. However; anyone with an IQ of 20 and above would see that it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It wouldn't be the first time a Tad Stones series has insulted the intelligence of the audience. Double Darkwings anyone?!
It's Rescue Rangers Away as the Rangers Minus Dale run away and Dale is simply in shock as he is the smartest rodent in the room right now. Dale decides to give them what they wanted which is a superhero and to do that he is going to research the whole thing. So this logically leads to Dale sitting on a red table in between about thirty comic books as he is reading Spiffo again. Apparently; Dale loves tentacle assault in his comic books. Dale is also wearing his gay purple outfit with green mask and yellow belt. Which is exactly what he wore when Stan Blatter was showing the footage of Dale attacking the mugger on television. Glad to see Dale was on the ball here eh?! Apparently; so was Sun Woo and Kennedy Cartoons. Dale throws away a comic book as he read 147 of them. Which is the exact weight of Mr. Hardcore's tiny manhood in grams according to Sean. He bounces down in a pretty cute fashion and looks into his MIRROR OF VAINITY declaring that he knows everything about being a superhero. Wow; that superhero wearing kid from the comic book store ad in the Metro Daily News in HRM stole his entire act from this episode. He tries about three different names to call himself and he rejects them because they don't strike fear into criminals. Personally; I think kick-ass names are overrated in crime fighting. A weak-ass name is better because it SURPRISES the criminal and therefore makes it a lot easier to catch them since they don't see it coming. If Gosalyn didn't turn Drake into the casual superhero (causal meaning dumb, stupid etc.) in Let's Get Respectable; then Gosalyn's plan would have worked.
Dale then chooses the weakest-ass name in history: Rubber Bando. HAHA! Glad to see Dale taking my advice as he blows on his thumb and pumps himself up into a balloon. He floats through the cross window and goes head over feet for a bit before taking a breath and like a balloon opening itself; the air goes out and it's the balloon whizzing spot I enjoy more when a funny character does it and Dale is funny. So we logically return to Seymour's Travel as the hole on the roof is still there as we hear Seymour talking to Harvey on the phone inside his office which has a creepy hula girl (wonder if this is where the Ranger booked their vacation in the previous episode?) model. We see Seymour looking awfully greasy and wearing a lot of purple which seems to be a recurring theme for this episode. He even has a banana yellow tie and green shirt matching Dale's mask. Now that is CONTINUITY even if most of the audience would know he's the heel. Check the heelish face and big nose on him; along with ying/yang (ZEN!) shoes on the desk. Harvey is his lawyer and he wants to sue someone for damages as he throws the other stone in the air. The second phone rings and Seymour has to hang up. This is the human version of Seymour and apparently after this episode; the stone morphed him into an ugly Weazel/wolf hybrid and warped him into the TaleSpin world where he became a cruel animal trainer who cracked the whip on the whale Moby Dimple before SEALBOY KIT (Yeah; I'm seriously screwed up here) puts him in his place. I hear he was a MIRACLE WORKER too.
Seymour answers phone number two acting like a runaround heel and the man responds with angry chatter. Sounds like the guy has a grudge with Microsoft after Microsoft continued to skirt around the fact that they were copying the Mii's for the XBOX 360 in order to counterattack Sony. Seymour blows him off because the plane would fly him to Rio; but not land there. He slams the phone down laughing like a bad heel as he adjusts the heel of his shoes which magically has a hole in the bottom of them. See; make the joke and pay it off. How the writers forgot that in DARKWING...DUCK; I'll never know. He takes off his shoe and sticks a flyer into it while blowing off the extra cost he didn't get for the parachutes. How nice of him as they say as he gets in between two cardboard hula girls which pretty much details his sex life right there. And then he gets pelted with badly colored veggies. Wow; I didn't think this Seymour sucked as badly as the anthro one; but thanks for the prologue strike there guys. Seymour hides behind the desk as he blows off the veggies as he grabs the stone. He rises up and threatens them to leave before he MURDERS them and his arm goes all flexible. It comes down as he stares into the stone and gets a face full of tomato. HAHA! Seymour hasn't sucked yet in All's Whale and Kit is ALREADY throwing stuff at him. No wonder he was buried afterward.
So we head into the city street as Rubber Bando flies through the air with the greatest of ease thanks to the speeding police car as a bank robbery is in process. And since comic book rules apply; this would be the first of 12 robberies Dale must thwart in order to become a real superhero. The police car races through the city around the bend allowing Dale to rack himself again and then the police car stops right in front of the bank. Dale flies right off the police car just as we see two masked bank robbers (wearing the usual stereotypical gear because they are just there to suck and blow) run down the steps in front of the police car (I smell Jay Leno mocking them in their future). Dale falls right in front of them and his limbs start expanding like Nintendo on a bad acid trip and the robbers get tripped and take wussy bumps on the steps. The two dumb officers come out as Officer Kirby states the obvious as Dale pops out of the two robbers who are in the prone position in a neat little package. The thin robber with the mustache blows Dale off for ruining a perfect good bank heist. NO?! REALLY?! A perfectly good bank heist?! One that involves running in the front steps in FRONT OF THE COPS?! More like a perfectly bad Rhinokey joke to me. AHHAHAHAHAHA! The fat robber stands up (along with the thin one) and pulls out his lead manhood because a real pistol would be a no-no in a porno movie. I just had to get that cheap shot in. He shoots and it HITS DALE! OH MY GOD! They actually allowed Dale to take a bullet to the chest; three of them in fact! And before the PTC can go to their e-mails in protest like Mr. Hardcore does after hearing Lurcent Fisher call them geeks and otakus; the bullets bounces off of Dale's costume (because it's purple see) and it does some picture perfect shots to the mustache and drops the big robbers pants to reveal his spotted underwear. Well; at least Wang Films didn't use hearts this time around.
They raise their hands into the sky and give up right on cue while shaking like timid little bunnies. So does Dale in fact; but he stops as Kirby handcuffs the two robbers together while the other one points his pistol at them. The police declare him a real hero which shows Kirby is such a nice guy once you know him. Dale salutes the police and then turns himself into a spring and bounces down the steps. No wonder Rescue Ranger fans hate Bonkers “Dee” Bobcat; Dale is outclassing him in every way that it isn't funny. We then return to Seymour's Travel (I guess it was a fourth wall break on the veggie throwers part since there is no mob to be seen) as we cut inside to the desk as we see models of various real world landmarks as Seymour grabs the model of Lady Liberty (which was a gift from France actually) and proclaims that if he gets it for real; New York City would pay a bundle for it. He still talks to his cardboard hula girls showing the lack of laying power he has and then he takes all of the model landmarks with him. Seymour declares that he has just hit the big time. I guess stealing landmarks is pretty big; but other than that MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH; what is the point?! So we cut back to Rubber Bando on top of a bald eagle statue right next to the American flag which is funny since the episode was animated in Asia. Bando declares that he is here to protect this fair city and then instantly sees a fire in progress as a small apartment building is on fire. We know this because there are people watching fire trucks and firefighters trying to put it out.
Dale glides down in wombat mode as the firefighters are having a great degree of difficulty putting the blaze out and they need more help. The firefighter notices Dale gliding down towards the fire hydrant. Dale turns his arms into the wrench (no wonder Gadget agreed to Chip's request to have him join as a Rescue Ranger) and twists the knob to open up the hole. Dale swallows a lot of water and goes into water balloon mode (Eat your heart out Ammonia Pine!); he rolls to the front and spits allowing the water to flow and it easily puts the whole fire out. Must be roided water from Larson and Gary as the crowd pops for that one and surrounds Dale again. Dale bows to his audience and we get the scene changer as we head into the skies above the city as Dale flies around like a goof. The crowd pops for him as he proclaims that this is better than being a Rescue Ranger. If only Drake wasn't such a screw up; that would be a real comment that wasn't supposed to be a real comment. Dale glides down next to a telephone booth because a Superman reference just couldn't be left out of all this as he decides to change back to regular Dale. So he is going to play this as a trick on the Rangers. It still doesn't make sense no thanks to the contrived writing by Miss Ross and Mr. Stone.
And speaking of the REALLY STUPID RANGERS; we cut to the Ranger Wing flying in the skies as Gadget gets off Golly #1 for the episode seven and a half minutes in. She states that the streets are quiet with the new superhero around and Chip invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH below to show Rubber Bando trying to get inside the phone booth to change. Dale states that it was easier in comic books to do this; then again he probably isn't on steroids like Zipper is since it's a lot easier for him to do this spot. The Ranger Wing lands in front of the phone booth as Dale is in front of the pay phone with the mask off panicking because they'll learn his real self. I think they are either too stupid; or Wang Film drugged them beforehand to notice the difference anymore. Dale decides to hide to continue showing how smarter Dale is getting now. Monty shuts the door as Gadget gets off Golly #2 for the episode. Huh?! The door was open to begin with?! Logic Break #3 for the episode. And now they go in as if the door was open to begin with. You can tell the problems with assembly animation were starting to slowly creep in at this point. Zipper flies up and peeps into the coin slot and notices Rubber Bando in there. So; Monty climbs up to the return slot of the payphone (with the other Rangers coming close behind) and knocks on it. He calls out for Rubber Bando, and Dale tries the old “I'm not in there; try somewhere else” routine but the Rangers no sell. Probably because Dale's brown colored arm out of the coin slot gave him away.
Gadget tries to reason with Rubber Bando as we cut into the coin slot (which apparently is a fake phone booth judging by the American nickels in there close to the slot) as Dale hides beside the slot. I see Dale's arm and hand has changed back to his superhero color which is logic break #3 for the episode. Notice how many times Wang Films is directly involved with the contriveness of each logic break?! Gadget shows him a newspaper clipping which allows Dale (without his mask mind you) to blow his cover and tell the Rangers to go away. And knowing how this episode has gone; I would not put it past them to make the Rangers so stupid that they don't notice that it's Dale. Gadget gets off Golly #3 for the episode and calls him rude. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TAD! He's clearly Dale; and Gadget DOESN'T NOTICE THAT IT'S HIM?! This destroys any good will I had towards this episode; and I feel sorry for Dale because he is carrying this one kicking and screaming. Zipper decides to get him and flies up to the coin return lever (WRONG LEVER!) and pushes it down. Dale drops down the phone and ends up into the coin return slot as Monty opens it and Chip finally realizes that it is Dale. AND IT TOOK THAT FOR THEM TO NOTICE?! Stan Blatter: Most heartless censor in the history of DTVA; with it's partner in crime Wang Films. I'm just glad this stupidity is over more than anything since there is a good 13 minutes left for Dale to salvage the rest of the episode.
They realizes that Dale is the superhero as Monty peels Dale from the Return Coin Slot and Dale denies it completely so he can be the one to act stupid again like his usual character. Monty then asks him about his fancy gay underwear and Dale calls it going to a costume party. HA! I think Gadget is really a regular mouse in Gadget outfit going to a cosplay judging by how dumb she has been in this one. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH...Ummm...Okay; that is really Gadget. I can tell by that sucker punch she throws in my face. Gadget gets off Golly #4 (4 Gollys in 90 seconds?!) because being a superhero is nothing to be ashamed of. Just being a video game player who play bald space marines as superheroes is shameful; right Mr. Malstrom?! Gadget forms it as a question so that logically leads to in the skies as the Ranger Wing flies around while Dale is in balloon mode just to piss off Chip. HAHA! Now that is more like it. I just wish they just forget the secret id part from the start and move on to this because it's clearly funnier and there is no logic break to deal with. Dale flaps his wings like a birdmen to annoy the Aussie stereotype. HAHA! At least Dale knows the nature of flight. He even proclaims that bullets bounce right off him which would be a million times funnier if Toon Disney cut the scene where it actually happened; but allowed that line to slip through.
Chip blows him off because he thinks Dale can pat himself on the back like a vain jerk would. I betcha that is exactly what Dale does right now. I check the DVD....Damn; I'm good. Memo to Chip: Just shut up right now. Dale is a MIRACLE WORKER now and you're coming off as a jealousy fuddy-duddy with no sense of adventure. Dale proclaims that the best part of this is the neat gay costume he gets to wear. HAHA! Gadget is not amused by this and thanks to BS&P and threats of sexism; I cannot even think of punching her in the face for that comment. The Ranger Wing continues to fly as Dale proclaims that now they know who he is they can be his sidekicks for comedy relief. Considering how REALLY STUPID they have been in this episode; I would suggest they are weither they like to admit it or not. Chip is now REALLY PISSED off on that suggestion (Mr. Hardcore without the sound anyone?) and flies in such a way just to make Dale bounce back into the seat and become dizzy. Dale is not amused by that response and neither am I. Hey suckwad; take Dale's insults and LIKE IT you really stupid chipmunk! It's not like you weren't the one to buy into Stan's dishonest attempt to brainwash you into thinking that the whole thing was a trick in photography now?! Even Zipper's shocked by that as Chip blows him off. Monty sides with Chip on that one judging by his face and Gadget just looks confused. Well; at least she's the sympathy one even if Wang Films and the writers made her look as dumb as a box of hammers in this episode.
Chip calls this comedy relief as Dale blows him off for being jealous because he's not an idol to millions. I cannot argue with that overwhelming logic. Sadly; Dale hasn't seen Larson and Gary as his muscles fail on him like the ending to Bugs Bunny Vs. The Professional Wrestler. Gadget then steals the stone from Dale's neck and uses the magnifying lens on it. Nice to see Gadget finally stop acting like a stupid little female mouse for a change. Gadget does a long arm of the law spot to demonstrate her point that Dale is getting super powers off the sun rays. Of course; that will only causes bigger problems for Dale later, I must assume. Dale takes back his stone as Gadget gets her arm back to regular length. Dale blows off the whole suggestion because he has more than just a meteorite to become a superhero. I mean look at Drake Mallard: no powers at all; but he's full of himself and REALLY STUPID. And he usually catches the heels even if he gets MURDERED in every episode in painful and illogical ways. Dale actually has heart and courage and he's stupid and becoming vain by the second. Okay; I made up the last two parts; but after Drake Mallard; it makes perfect sense in DTVA shows.
Anyhow we cut down to a store where a barber (old man by the way) is chased out of his store by a pack of dogs who blow him off for giving him bad haircuts. Puppy Luv this isn't. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Chip proclaims that this looks like a job for the Rescue Rangers as Dale just sulks for no reason whatsoever. Dale scoffs at it because it's small time criminal behavior. Dale actually has a point: I mean that barber has no consideration for it's customer when it comes to haircuts. That's basic business 101. When Dale notices the truth; you are hosed. He might becoming a jerk and vain right now; but he is right in this case. Chip blows him off because every crime is important when you are a Rescue Ranger. So a customer actually caring about his rights AS A CUSTOMER is a crime now?! Can you smell the “artist” stink coming from Chip or do I have to unleash Malstrom on him?! Dale sighs on that one as the Ranger Wing lands onto the sidewalk and the Hardcore Rangers jump out. All except for Dale who yawns and scratches his tummy since he's not hardcore see. The Hardcore Ranger sneak into the WAR ZONE OF PUPPY MISLUV as the poodles are angry because the barber made them look silly and they trash the place. See; this is why you LISTEN to the customer; because you never know how VIOLENT they can be. Okay; I'm joking around. This is a crime taking place.
The purple poodle calls the brown dog Alphonse and he hates it. That name is a lot better than the pet name Baloo gives to Becky. Rebecca needs to sit down with Alphonse and teach him to control his anger over pet names. The Jim Cummings dog wants to be Butch or Spike. Spike is already taken for the Plantdog; so Butch will have to do. The pink poodle (who is the only one wearing a red shirt) asks who let the hamsters out right at the Casual Rangers (Because they were stupid to fall for Stan Blatter's obvious editing of footage earlier on). Monty blows him off and calls him a pipsqueak. Oooo...those are fighting words you Aussie Stereotype. Monty rolls up his sleeves badly and wants to take on the pink poodle. The blue dog joins in and blows off Monty as a hamster which gets Monty's dandruff up so much that the Casual Rangers Minus Awesome Bando have to restrain him. Chip blows them off threatening that they will have to clean the shop up which is blown off with the dogs laughing at him. Cannot blame them for that; because they are the cust...Oh wait; the joke is already dead; never mind. The pink poodle goes insane and calls for Alphonse and remembers to change his name to Spike; so Spike it is. Butch would have been better as the Jim Cummings dog throws a cage down and it traps the Casual Rangers easily. Well; they lived up to the casual name at least. The dogs surround the Rangers as they want to eat them (remembering to call them gerbils) as the segment ends 11 and a half minutes in. Well; this would be a really awesome episode; if the damn writers screwed up their own writing and making Wang Films look even worse than it already is.
After the commercial break; we return inside the SHOP OF PUPPY MISLUV as the dogs laugh their butts off at the golden caged Casual Rangers. However; the rug they are on looks purple with a yellow stripe in the middle which indicates that Dale is underneath them and will bag them so to speak. I check the DVD...Damn; I'm good as Dale arrives with the evildoers INSIDE of him. Dale declares that love and justice will prevail. Oh wait; this is not Pretty Solider Sailor Moon so it's only justice. The dogs struggle as Dale bounces like a beach ball on steroids. The Casual Rangers hold onto the bars like the idiots they are watching the bouncing. Well; except for Zipper as Gadget cannot believe he took care of all three dogs at once. I cannot believe Michael Eisner is burying Gadget in this one. Monty invokes the bark is worse than bounce bite promo as Dale unwraps the heels and they go rolling off-screen stage left and take a wussy bump off-screen into the stacked cans of dog food. Sigh Wang Films. The dogs are dizzy as heck and Spike looks like a badly drawn hamster on speed. We pan up to the black cage as it swings like a pendulum. The chain snaps and it falls right onto the dogs trapping them. Umm; check your internal logic there Wang, the dogs are way too big to fit and yet with some effort they do fit. The pink dog points out the obvious as Dale proclaims himself as Rubber Bando and if Chip doesn't blow it off then I will be very disappointed in him.
Dale threatens to use the POWER OF THE ROIDED PUNCH to knock some sense into them and they finally give up and decide to clean up the place after all. The dogs tip toe away with cage as Dale goes over to the Casual Rangers and gives them his services which involve vanity and pissing off Chip. Or in this case Monty who blows him off for stealing all the fun. Hey Aussie Stereotype, you started this stupidity by trying to call those puppies out; so you deserved to get screwed out of the action. Monty then breaks all logic and reason by lifting the cage and throwing it away. Ummm; why not just lift up the cage EARLIER you dumbass?! This just justifies Dale's jerk off attitude even more now as Dale acts like a jerk while the dogs sweep up the place with the cage still on them! Too funny as Chip is PISSED now and wants to MURDER Dale but Gadget stops him. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS GADGET LOVE?! I want to see Chip and Dale kick each other's butts and you DENY THAT?! Gadget wants to talk to him and pleads for him not to make them their sidekicks. Dale agrees to not let Gadget be his sidekick because he's a superhero and need NO ONE! HAHA! Maybe Gadget should have taken the job; just to make Chip jealous. Then again; Chip is the front runner for marriage with Gadget so canon talks and a giant Stones weigh. Gadget sulks at that one as she realizes that the Casual Rangers are too stupid to outclass Dale as Dale springs around like a spring.
We logically go to outside New York City as we get a shot of the Statue of Liberty; or as Albert Walker would say: Highly Visible Landmark (Thanks Agonybooth even though I never knew ye until about after writing 35 TaleSpin episodes) complete with seagulls as Wang Films is clearly trying too hard to try to convince me that they don't suck. Man; that is bad drawing there as we pan down to a male tourists (from Scotland judging by the shorts he is wearing) using the video camera to take pictures of his wife and kids. The boy has that look that he must be thinking: When I get to be eighteen; I'll sue his ass for sexual assault. The wife moves the kids (thus adding evidence for the boy to use against them in eight years from now) as the boy and girl make funny faces to blow him off. See; they hate him as Seymour is in the shot (like the gay purple outfit gives him good cover) . Seymour sits down on the park bench and takes off his shoe...and it stinks! It stinks more than the anthro Seymour after a bad run in with suck juice. AHHAHAHA! He pulls out the guide as he admits that he'll buy some new shoes after he steals the Highly Visible Landmark of Doom. Could be worse I guess as he magically puts the shoe back on and flexes around a bit before dusting off his gay suit and then does the FLAT AS A PANCAKE move to get underneath the foundation.
Okay; this could work as we cut back to the child molesting father waving to his family with the camera as a police officer he probably bribed is in the shot and then there is some rumble like God was angry at the father for his sinful criminal acts. The thing blows up like a purple rubber balloon from below as the boy thinks it's Dale. If ONLY the writers of DARKWING... DUCK would have realized the importance of CONTINUITY because as long as the humans don't see his face; the trick works like magic. Unlike the Darkwing Decoy which didn't work because Launchpad is taller than Drake and clearly doesn't LOOK like Drake. Anyhow; the purple balloon bounces away stage right stealing the Highly Visible Landmark. He sinks like a stone as we cut back to City Hall as the mayor of the city gives the golden key to Dale for his heroic efforts while the press take his picture. And sadly; the key drops down as Dale still hasn't got the roided strength of Zipper to lift the key. The mayor's trophy wife (maybe) who is wearing clothing that makes her look like something out of a county fair gives Dale the golden trophy of nuts which is completely fitting on both sides of the coin. That spot just stinks of so much irony that neither side even realizes it. And Dale gets the KISS OF DEATH from her which is fitting as you will see later on I betcha. Dale gets red lipstick on the mask like a poor sucker and staggers like Jake Roberts after a bad night at a bar. Of course; Dale is watching the video on television as we cut to the living room of the Rescue Ranger Headquarters.
Dale is so vain and I'm loving it as he now wants his own TV shows which is so ironic on SO MANY LEVELS. Monty and Chip just hang their heads in shame. Either because they suck; or Dale is too vain for his bridges. Both answers are acceptable at this point as Monty blows it off with sarcasm. Gadget calls it something special with a face that looks like: “Golly; Dale has no sense of irony because he already has a show on TV.”. Chip is mad as usual as Dale has his POINTY FINGER OF DEATH on retainer as Stan Blatter is on the television again because he is about to RUIN Dale now like any good dishonest reporters does when a star goes over the hill if you catch my drift. Right Miss Spears?! We see a shot of the Highly Visible Landmark and then a shot of where it used to be as Stan blatters on until a hairy arm shows up with another sheet. And Stan grabs it and then realizes that the landmark thief has stolen the Eiffel Tower in France and you can tell Disney hates France because the tower outline is STANDING ON WATER. If you really want to insult the audience Disney; you should have said Freedom Fries; that always works to get people angry. Big Ben is gone which is funny since Seymour didn't have it listed on his landmarks to steal. The Golden Gate bridge is gone which is also not mentioned in Seymour's plans either. The sphinx is gone; but Stan doesn't even mention the Washington Monument which is in Seymour's plans. If this doesn't prove Malstrom's point about the news being a product they put on the shelves; then why is it obvious here?! Stan proclaims that he needs help and it's the job of the....RUBBER RODENT!
And now Dale is PISSED! Dale has just seen the true story of the news media. Thank you Sean Malstrom for revealing this fact to me. Dale blows the name off because it's kick-ass rather than lame-ass. Well; as said within the standards of BS&P of course. Dale puts on the green mask and runs out as the Casual Rangers follow him. Dale flies away and then crashes into a tree off-screen in a cute way which would have been funnier if it was on-screen rather than off. Gadget sulks because she believes being a Rescue Ranger is silly now. And then Stan resumes his blattering (PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP STAN!) as he now has footage of the Statue being stolen which was shown from a tourist named Cranston Ludmeyer which means that the bad parent is from Carnston, Rhode Island. And of course it shows the purple balloon stealing the thing; and then Wang Films just RUINS the whole creditability of the episode by having the video SHOW Seymour's hands and feet which DIDN'T APPEAR earlier in the episode. UGH! UGH! UGH! Wouldn't it just kill to use the original footage from EARLIER IN THE EPISODE?! Thanks a lot Wang for making Stan Blatter look even MORE dishonest than he ALREADY IS. How can anyone with an IQ of 20 believe that he is Dale when the feet and hands are clearly HUMAN?! And this episode was hitting a really good groove too. Well; you can blame Wang for Double Darkwings now; even if they didn't animate that episode at all.
We then cut to Dale as he slides down the plumber's pipe to amuse me and takes some really good bumps along the way as he goes over to his public and they PANIC and bail. I'm not even going to show outrage for this; it's a waste of my time. At least Dev Ross and Tad Stones can take solace in knowing that it wasn't their fault for this. Okay; they are to blame for the contrived beginning; but at least they ended the joke before it became a self-parody of itself. Dale is frightened as Kirby, Muldoon and the entire police force surround Dale who's back is literally against a brick wall as Muldoon invokes the GIANT MANHOOD OF DEATH while Kirby decides to play Jimmy Hart on us which sounds racist to me; or maybe not. Dale protests this outrage and runs forward showing real courage and stupidity all at the same time as Kirby grabs the bazooka and fires a rocket which HITS DALE AGAIN! You think Disney would allow THAT NOW?! The rocket bounces back and completely destroys a police car. Kirby has no one but himself to blame for that stupid mistake; but there's a so-called criminal in the same area so he will likely be blamed for that anyway. Dale stammers as Kirby gets up and proclaims that Dale means business. If that means Dale becomes stupid than I agree with him as he calls out for the flamethrowers. Funny how bullet shooting guns are bad for the cops; but the MORE DANGEROUS FLAMETHROWER isn't. I mean; a bullet could kill a person; but a flamethrower could kill a person and burn an ENTIRE CITY to ashes. No wonder BS&P gets mocked. Dale is in deep crap against the edge of the sidewalk as the segment ends nearly sixteen and a half minutes in. If only Wang didn't screw this up.....
After the commercial break; we get a side shot of Dale with his back against the edge of the sidewalk as Kirby wants the flamethrower while still holding the bazooka and a police officer (who's face is never shown) brings in the black painted flamethrower. Dale proclaims that he's too young to fry because apparently he's not too young to burn to ashes. However; the long arm of the outlaw is expanding so I would suggest that he'll live as the officer invokes the flamethrower and Dale sidesteps the blast and hitchhikes onto a white truck which drives away. Okay; this is getting too OJ for me and this episode predates that by five years at least. So we head back to a top shot of Rescue Ranger Headquarters as Dale runs towards the tree trunk and jumps up onto the launchpad. He runs in and screams in such a voice that he sounds like he's slurring his own speech. Ah; the dangers of cutting a promo at 90 miles per hour without taking a breath. I'm predicting that the Casual Rangers will invoke the Baloo makes Rebecca Cry in Jail card from I Only Have Ice For You; starting now and so the Casual Rangers causally ignore him. I think they are jealous because Dale is more over than even Gadget is. And how funny is it when DALE is pleading to Chip after episode upon episode of them blowing each other and Chip just ignores him casually. I'm just going to let the scene run it's course because we all know how this one ends: with Dale crying like a baby and then admitting that he is a jerk and that's enough for the Rangers to help him. Dale begging is priceless which is a bonus for him as Dale hugs Chip for reconsidering.
Dale thinks there has to be some other Rubber Guy which shows just how disgusting Stan Blatter is as Monty blows it off because there's only one super meteorite. Thankfully; Gadget corrects him on that one sort of. Ummm; no Gadget there was only two and one of them is the next cruel animal trainer. Well in name only at least. Dale grabs the stone and runs out as his fans are almost going to kill him and Chip tsks him on that so Dale corrects himself as Rescue Rangers' fans breaking the fourth wall. Well; both are correct so Chip must be jealous again. So we head to the missing Visible Landmark of Doom as the Rangers check under a park bench looking for clues. I see Chip couldn't find Gadget's magnifying glass; so he's using a human one. We then cut up to the Ranger Wing as Dale sulks on the top of the wing crying and snorting a white hanky because he'll never get his own television show now. It's just too funny that Dale is still being vain despite ALREADY promising to no longer be. He basically breaks the record for lapsing back into his vain character about thirty seconds in. Usually it takes TaleSpin characters about five episodes on average before they do it. Zipper flies down and sees the smoking gun (Read: A flier which Seymour dropped just before the robbery.). Monty grabs it and blows of Zipper because vacation is pointless in a case. Gadget grabs the FLYER OF DOOM (HEE HEE!) and rips a piece from it to test it. She uses the flask which has pink liquid in it and uses her tweezers to place the piece into the flask. It turns purple and she declares that it's....wait for it.... MADE OF PAPER. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is too funny and Chip is flustered on that one. I love sadist Gadget even though no one was put in danger this time; unless you are a piece of paper.
Gadget states that it's from Seymour Travels near the corner of Lankershim and Cahuenga. I'm not going to touch that one for the sake of my sanity. Monty calls Gadget's test amazing in which Gadget states that she found out by the address right on the bottom of the brochure. HAHA! Chip is slightly stunned as Gadget walks away stage left. Nice to see her fighting against the Eisner machine like that as we head back to Seymour Travels as that hole is STILL on top of the roof. We head inside as they are on the desk and Dale gasps in horror because the Highly Visible Landmarks have become Lowly Visible Landmarks. AHHAHAHAHA! BONK! OUCH! Ummm...Oh; and Dale gets bonked and blown off by Chip on that response. Gadget backs him up because they are just models see. Dale then gasps in horror again because HE'S MAKING MODELS OUT OF THEM! HAHA! It's like Jeff only funnier as Chip is flustered on that spot. Dale is just making this episode look good despite all the efforts of Wang to ruin him. Gadget and Monty kneel down in right of some red sand (helpfully said as such by Gadget herself) and Monty deduces that they are in Arizona. NO?! REALLY?! I would have picked Prince Edward Island since it's a wee bit less obvious for the Rangers to think he would be going there. Chip agrees with him (which officially shows how broken his deduction meter really is) and we logically cut to....
Death Valley, Arizona home of...THE UNDERTAKER!! Oh; forget it! The joke doesn't work anymore and I want to end this rant now because it's almost ten pages already. The Ranger Wing flies around as Golly #5 comes out of Gadget's mouth as it's a Monument Valley because that is where all the Monuments are. Remember Stan saying that Big Ben was stolen?! Well; it so happens that Big Ben is not even shown here. So Stan Blatter is either a liar and Big Ben is STILL THERE; or Big Ben was stolen by Stan Blatter himself. I don't care which; but in the immortal words of Spax3: PICK ONE!! And in an amazing moment (Read: Dumb CONTINUITY ERROR) by the writers; Stan doesn't say the Washington Monument was stolen and yet here it is in all of it's glory. Not only that; apparently; the Golden Gate Bridge was either still where it should be or Stan stole that one too; probably to host a gay party after the show is over. Dale hugs Chip on the spot as we see Seymour on top of the Statue of Liberty with the remote control. Chip invokes MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN #22: Gadget handles the rope; Monty gets a big rock, Chip and Zipper do something and Dale distracts him. Dale asks how (after acting like a hyper child) as he looks at Seymour and Chip kicks Dale's out of the Ranger Wing right on his ass. You just knew Chip would do that sooner or later as Dale free falls and then goes into wombat mode as he glides down.
Seymour invokes his cellphone which he probably stole from Dim Sun as he calls New York and wants that MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH as a check which is greeted with Dale spread eagle on Seymour's face. HAHA! That willteach him to be a cruel animal trainer in another cartoon even though he hasn't been time warped nor anthroed yet. Seymour peels Dale off (NOT THE TAIL!) and rolls him into a ball while mocking him in a childish voice. Good God; that was bad as he uses his thumb to turn it into a baseball bat and he hits one into center field. This must be Chip's wet dream; seeing Dale get batted another like a baseball for his amusement. I can just hear his ugly laugh right now. Or is it in that NASA episode?! Dale screams like a girl as he bounces off the Washington Monument and then MISSES with the thumb bat. He seems to have trouble with the screw ball and we have logic break #6 as he still bounces off the Washington Monument anyway. Now that takes the power of suggestion too far; so Dale punishes Seymour for blowing the spot by blowing his hand and invoking the POWER OF THE PUNCH to Seymour. Meanwhile we see Chip with the rope climbing up as we return to the top of the Statue of Liberty which seems to be having trouble deciding how many points on the crown she should have. Oh; those wacky animators at Wang as Dale and Seymour free fall and take the wussiest bumps in history onto the ground. However; since they are rubber this is actually apporos. If only the animators realized that in DARKWING ...DUCK!
Seymour grabs Dale and uses his hand as a slingshot (well; only two fingers which renders Nester's Superhero gag uncool as a result) to slingshot Dale into the air and where he fell I do not care. Who does Seymour think he is Dukie?! Dale bounces off the Sphinx for more insane bumping as Chip is up on the Effel Tower (showing how heartless Stan was in putting the outline IN THE DAMN WATER!) and calls for Gadget as he uses the LASSO OF BANE TO ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE as Gadget grabs it while flying the Ranger Wing. Gadget wraps the rope around various Monuments as we pan down from the Statue of Liberty as Seymour turning into a walking beach ball and wants a demolition derby because beach balling is fun to mock as Dale comes out from the Sphinx and blows himself up into a beach ball. The two have a beach ball bash spot as they bounce off each other much to the SHOCK of the Casual Rangers (because it was a draw see) as they bounces off more Monuments for my amusement before finally taking a MAN-SIZED bump into each other and turning back to normal on the ground. OUCH! That's going to leave a mark. The Ranger Wing flies towards the rock and Gadget throws the rope to Monty who is near the rock.
Yeah; because we cannot have the kid Gummi Bears have all the fun in complex traps now can't we?! Zipper ties the rope around THE ROCK (HEE HEE!) and Monty tries to push the rock over the cliff as we cut back to Seymour who already has Dale in his procession as Seymour steals the stone from Dale (Nice to see him FINALLY figuring out Dale's obvious weakness) as he cheers for victory because he'll bounce twice as much; which makes him two times as crappy by proxy. Seymour then makes the fatal mistake of grandstanding as Chip ties the rope around his ankle and whistles. So Monty pushes the rock over the hill; and it's the silliest rope flight spot in the history of mankind. And of course Dale joins in for the ride as it ends with Seymour taking a sick splat right into the face of the Sphinx. EWWWWWW! Seymour's germs on a Highly Visible Landmark! GROSS! Seymour slides down as the stone crumbles and the Casual Rangers celebrate like a bunch of goof who won the lottery or something.
Dale walks in weakly wondering how well he did with his part and Chip calls it great as he slaps his back harshly and Dale takes a weak face plant right into the sand. So we cut to a shot of the Highly Visible Landmarks BEFORE HAPPY HOUR (Read: Sunset) as Gadget sets the red alert on the top of the flame of the Statue of Liberty as she jumps back onto the Ranger Wing stating that the police should be here in no time at all; which is really about 24 hours give or take. The Ranger Wing flies away as Chip apologizes for Dale's stone getting busted. Well; that is so out of character that I wonder if Chip's been poisoned by it. Dale is fine with it because he let the stone poison his friendship and that the Rescue Rangers are super; once they don't go casual of course. The Ranger Wing flies off into the sunset as the episode finally ends at 21:14. Dale carried this episode kicking and screaming despite every attempt by the writers in the beginning and end to screw this up; and Wang Films screwing up in the middle. *** ¾ (75%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Poor Dale; he had another perfect episode in his mist as he was so funny when he was such a jerk during his time as a superhero which is apporos when you have super powers. I really enjoyed his act; even when the other Rangers mocked him and Dale begged like a weakling just to make it look so good. Seymour wasn't much; but he was greasy enough to make it work. However; the writers and animators just plain screwed up this episode. While Wang Films made a lot of animation mistakes in this one; the really big one was the Stan Blatter footage where they clearly showed Seymour's hands and feet despite showing the same footage earlier that didn't show them. The original footage showed just the purple balloon; and it ruined the creditability in the episode making the accusers against Dale look REALLY STUPID. At least it wasn't like Double Darkwings where the writers weren't thinking. However; that doesn't mean the writers weren't dumb as they completely screwed up the beginning where they made it as The Rangers not knowing that Dale was behind the first heroic act and yet they wrote it to force Wang Films to animate it with Dale in his superhero outfit despite the fact that Dale doesn't wear the costume until AFTER he saw himself on television stopping the mugger. This is a situation where the writers and animators were in completely different books; let alone not on the same page.
Even more so when Seymour steals the Washington Monument; but Stan Blatter never mentions it; and even worse Seymour doesn't steal either Big Ben nor the Golden Gate Bridge even though Stan Blatter claims that it was stolen. Whomever directed this episode really did a crappy job here because it exposes the episode as something out of a Ruby-Spears episode which DTVA has tried hard to destroy as an image and allegory of television animation in the 1980's. And Gadget's lack of smarts really made it worse as I fear Michael Eisner is starting to bury her as a character for getting way too over for her own good. I always thought Eisner used DTVA to advance the star power of Walt Disney's characters (except for Darkwing which didn't need Eisner as Drake did a good job in burying everyone by himself) like Chip, Dale, the nephews, Baloo, Louie, Shere Khan, Goofy and so on at the expense of new characters who manage to get even more over than the Walt Disney originals like Gadget, Kit Cloudkicker, Molly, Don Karnage, Launchpad Ducktales Edition, Max Goof and so on. It just goes to show you why a lot of purists hate Michael Eisner for making DTVA and at the same time; make the fans who love the series hate Eisner as well since the new characters are lost in the shuffle who would have been excellent for Disney's future. Overall; this episode was fun to watch; but it would have been a lot more fun if the writers and animators were in sync. So next up is Short Order Crooks and the Monty focus cheese addiction episode: Mind Your Cheese's And Q's. Then it's Out of Scale followed by the Dirty Rotten Diapers to end the second volume as Gadget goes loco and gets censored as a result. So (finally after almost 12 pages and eight hours of insanity).....
Thumbs in the middle pointing up for this episode and I'll see you next time.
Back To Rescue Rangers Index!
Return to the Rant Shack!
Return to the Unofficial Kit Cloudkicker Homepage