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Piratsy Under The Seas
Round two of the dumbest 3.14 in history!
Yeah; because it's just not enough to see a bunch of rats acting as if they are as cool as Don Karnage is. So when in doubt; call Monty I guess. So let the pain begin shall we...?!
This episode is written by Mark Edens (which I mistaken for Tad Stones earlier and as you will see; it plays into the entire punchline of the rant itself). The story was edited by Bryce Malek and supervised by Tad Stones. The animation is done by TMS Entertainment in maybe one of the last times you will see them before some of the animators jumped ship to form Walt Disney Animation Japan.
Annoying Moment #1: And we return to the third version of the opening sequence again.
We begin this one at Rescue Ranger Headquarters as we head inside the living room complete with a green soda can in the background as Chip (without fedora hat) yawns and sees a giant mess of epic masses inside his own living room along with a tomb of peanuts. Chip is ticked off as he has to clean up the mess and I betcha it's Dale under there and Chip bonks him on the head for it. I check the DVD...Close but not quite as Chip invokes the nose honk on Dale's red nose. Chip of course blows off Dale for being such a slob. Question: How did Dale get all that junk in the house in the first place WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING IT?! Logic break #1 for the episode in 24 seconds a new record for Tad. Monty goes down the slide (I guess Dale gave him permission to use it) and crushes the can with his ass on the way down. Monty: Trash Compactor. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....
Monty is ticked off because he wasn't invited to the party..And since this was the early production episodes; it's Peter Cullen again as C&D Argument #546 beckons. Now I do agree with Chip on cleaning up after yourself; but that's me projecting here. Dale of course blows it off like Mr. Hardcore: Says who?! Come on Chip; bonk him in the damn head and get it over with already! I think Dale just invented the phrase “You're not the boss of me!” for every kid to annoying the living piss out of me and here comes Gadget OUT OF NOWHERE demanding answers.... and the chipmunks pull a 180 and are nice all of a sudden. Oh TAG! Gadget rightfully blows them off for that remembering to get off Golly #1 for the episode not even a minute in. Oh boy; this episode is going to suck; I just know it. Naturally; she demands who will clean this up and the males point to Dale of course; because he started it of course. Dale does the Gruffi pose which is just another annoying martyr pose in any other universe.
So we get our scene changer as we head to the red garbage can and of course there is no Popeye the Sailor Man living in it. Dale takes out the paper bag full of trash and then slips like a bad habit as he blows off his miserable life and then falls into the trash can. Kit needs to sit Dale down to inform him the last time Kit tried to be free as a bird as we see a top shot of Chip laughing his ass off again. Man; Chip's laugh is terrible and it gets even worse as the series goes on (Out to Launch anyone?) Sadly; a faceless trash collector collects the red trashcan and puts it into his truck despite not being anywhere near the area while Chip was laughing. That's logic break #2 for the episode; albeit a minor one. Chip's not laughing anymore (like it's funny to see Dale taking out the trash Chip) and climbs down the tree in spiral fashion as the truck drives away. Chip's Oh No is so badly contrived and forced that I swear that he's GLAD Dale is gone. I just knew Chip would stoop to that low: bad acting. Dale weakly bounces in the trash while Gadget, Monty and Chip wheel out the skateboard speed boat and Zipper follows along. Monty starts his only fan of course and we are underway with the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE TRASH EDITION~! The truck stops at the stoplight as Dale bounces better in the trash this time. Chip figures this will be easy as pie; but a blue truck gets in the way. Bastard! Gadget has to go under the truck and zips around and goes off the conveniently placed wooden ramp (Geez; how forced can you get?) and the Rangers tumble into the green trash truck.
The green truck drives away towards the scene changer as we magically appear with a tugboat carrying the trash out to sea. Where's Greenpeace when you really need them?! Oh; they are still whining about how Nintendo is dodging them. Considering Greenpeace's tactics; can you really blame them?! The curse of time constraints. We cut to the heap of trash as the Rangers pop up and Chip blows Dale off proclaiming that Dale is right at home now. Geez; Chip, don't be afraid to tell us how you REALLY feel about Dale now. Gadget then proclaims that this is romantic and beautiful. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! That might be the funniest thing in the entire episode right there which is a really bad sign for this episode right off the bat. And then Chip gets trash on the brain as Monty proclaims that he got shanghaied in Shanghai on a junk full of junk. Oh man; that is the first time I have heard a loaded sexual innuendo statement from DTVA. So Monty got raped in Rape on his dick full of dick?! And Kit gets all the heat from Eisner while Monty gets focus stories trying to get HIM over? And it happened twice too as he lays on someone's dirty shoe while Chip and Dale climb up the trash as Chip proclaims that they will go to the dump and then hitch a ride back home. Okay; that makes sense as Dale is hungry now and Chip blows him off because he's in a dump already. And of course Zipper gets Chip's cherry just to annoy Chip. Well; there's Zipper's ten seconds of work right there methinks. He also does the toothpick spot with the Chip's other pierced cherry. BONK! OUCH! Ummm.....
Back to Dale as he's on top of a bottle looking for an opening to either see land or screw Chip good. I'm betting on the later here. And of course he gets excited when he sees the dump and a stray can rolls down and forces Chip to put his head in some disgusting trash. HEE HEE! And that leads to C&D argument #547 which leads to Dale getting stuck in the bottle. If you are going to do that spot: screw on a bottle cap. That leads to the bottle tumbling down neck first and both chipmunks get stuck inside OUCH! That's going to smart big time. Dale's head lands on top of Chip's head because he's Dale. I smell chipmunk wrestling angle commencing at six o'clock and it doesn't happen. BOO! HISS! Well; that destroys any hope of seeing a good episode here as Monty arrives with the hammer and brings it down (geez; this stuff writes itself) and Chip and Dale panic on cue. You know; if that was King Amok, I would be scared to death myself. But it's an Aussie stereotype, I think I can handle him. We cut to the back as Gadget is looking down on the ocean water getting off Golly #2 for the episode. Bubbles form on the water surface as the BARREL OF LAUGHS floats to the surface and opens to reveal a black skull & crossbones flag in distress (it's upside down). Monty deduces that they are pirates while twisting his head in such an unreasonable position that you could accuse him of being a demon. AHHAHAHAHAHA! Then a bunch of guns pop up (!!!) and they fire a net (?huh) which forces Gadget, Monty and Zipper to bail; but Chip and Dale cannot for obvious reasons. The pirate captain voice is clearly Jim Cummings as his rats are told to heave ho on the net. Why on earth would a bunch of rats want a bunch of c....oh never mind; I just got the answer and I don't like it one bit.
And then the silliness increases a notch as the power of suggestion manages to pop a conveniently placed cup allowing Gadget and Monty to fly right off the boat into the drink. Like I'm buying that one Tad; sure. The trash net drags away leaving a bunch of trays behind despite the holes being too small for that to happen. So we have gone five minutes with three logic breaks. Could be worse I guess. Usually with DARKWING...DUCK it is three logic breaks in thirty seconds. Gadget and Monty get on as their clothes dry within seconds! Now that's an invention I need to steal from Gadget as the BARREL OF LAUGHS drags the net into the sea. The bottle should provide them with enough air as we see Monty rowing towards the bubbles with the plastic spoon which is probably given as a symbol of Ubi Soft's game making at this point. Gadget points out the obvious I pointed out as Monty realizes that they must go after them since the dump boat is leaving them low and wet. So we head to the water shot of the BARREL OF LAUGHS dragging the crap down to Davey Jones' Locker. Now who in their right mind would have a locker in the sea? I think this Davey Jones is Gadget's grandfather. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm...
Chip and Dale then sees Davey Jones' Locker which is an upside down boat which makes sense all things considered. C&D panic and they push the bottle up in a wussy attempt to get out of the net; but it works as the net snaps and they rocket away. Chip and Dale cheer for victory; but the red octopus grabs them down again. Oh yeah Tad; the octopus was somehow 5000 feet away from the boat and it made it about ten seconds later to grab Chip and Dale. That would be logic break #4 for the episode as Chip and Dale panic again and push the bottle up. Now; I admit that this is rather amusing, but the logic breaks are just messing up the episode which is about average to begin with. The red octopus uses the POWER OF HENTAI to grab the bottle; but ties it's arm up and thus burying him before he even had a chance to breathe. And somehow; the bottle goes into Davey Jones' Locker anyway despite not even being near it to begin with. Logic Break #5 for the episode and we aren't even six minutes in! How did TaleSpin become the black sheep of the family again?
So the bottle rises to the surface and Chip & Dale feel safe...for about three seconds as we look up to the plank area as we see some familiar faces as it's our Pi-Rat buddies again from Chipwreck Shipmunks! Well; that is just swell isn't it?! I was hoping that was a different band of Pi-Rats because the originals basically sucked the meat missile with gusto. They provide a rope which sadly isn't used to hang themselves and Chip and Dale grab onto it and get pulled up. Apparently; Billy the Squid is the red octopus in question and I don't think Billy is a real threat at all judging by his lack of small motor skills. Jolly Roger introduces himself (which is fine since this is the first episode featuring them in the time line) as the chipmunk aren't exactly thrilled to be on the ship. Things I don't get: I guess First Mate and Captain are the same thing because Jolly Roger addresses his title as First Mate which makes no sense to me since first mate would be second in command and not captain. My head hurts Tad. Aaarvey is the second mate (who should be first mate in order) who is the beige rat with the goofy orange elf hat, green tunic who says Aaar. Oh; how original...NOT!! The Aaar is terrible by the way. Jolly wants a party to celebrate his raid of stealing people's trash which shows how low on the dignity scale these Pi-Rats are. That would be about three notches lower than Kit EVER was in his life. That's why Kit is the Miracle Worker. Chip wants to go home; but Dale does a goofy shove away on Chip because he wants to Par-Ti so to speak. He even puts a white bib around his neck just to be Dale as Jolly goes over to the rope loops near the yard arm (I think) and cuts them as the net of crap squashes the gang into a crap tomb. Geez; that just symbolizes this whole episode in a nutshell doesn't it?! And we still got about fourteen minutes left in the show. Jolly pops up and proclaims that it is leftovers while laughing badly. Not as badly as Chip; but still terrible.
So we get the scene changer as Monty and Zipper are collecting trash and such as Gadget hops on floating debris to find the MAYO JAR OF FATSOS. POW! OUCH! Ummm....Gadget now wants some string as that might be a problem since Monty's bucket boat is now sinking so Monty uses his hat to bail it out. Yeah; that was rather pointless so we go back to a far shot of Davey Jones' Locker as we hear Pi-Rat laughter which is slightly WORSE than Jolly Roger's laugh; but still better than Chip's as we get shots of the dining area which happens to be a platform of planks with oversized cnadles. Yeah; sure. We then pan down south west as we see a silver platter of crap on the table as the Pi-Rats and chipmunks sit down on tea cups toasting to the celebration of crap. As least that is what I see all around me in this episode. Chip and Dale sip on thimbles as Dale wears a black pirate hat to at least give an effort not to make this episode suck; which is an uphill battle for him to say the least. Dale's laughing rules all as he gives an elbow to the ribs that is so powerful it makes Chip spill his drink. I see Chip won't be able to drive Gadget's love mobile for the next 72 hours. AHHAHAHAHAHA!
And here comes Aaar as he wants to do a treasure hunt and Jolly Roger who is wearing a reasonable robe which somehow looks out of place in this episode. Or TMS screwed up. I'm placing my bets on the former here. Jolly Roger agrees with this as the Pi-Rats try to leave all at once; but Jolly Roger bangs on the table which makes the Pi-Rats stop on a dime. I see one of them is Hoppo's long lost Pi-Rat friend: Loppo. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Umm...Jolly Roger (yeah; TMS screwed up here) protests this outrage because no one wants to clean off the table. Oh; and if you listen closely; you can hear Chip laughing badly in the background at Dale. Chip pays back Dale with a shove just to piss him and me off of course as the Pi-Rat return and they clean the table making a big mess on the floor. HAHA! And if you can listen closely; you can hear Dale laughing at Chip in the background instead of Jolly's bad crackles and pops. Chip has zero defense against that and cover his head on the returning silver platter in shame. I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments.
Jolly gets onto the silver platter and proclaims the treasure hunt for real and the Pi-Rats seems quite somber for some odd reason. Oh man; for goodness sakes, show some acting skills guys! This is another bad sign for this episode right there. The Pi-Rats run off and down the rope ladder as Dale follows them showing more effort than anyone else in this episode combined. Say what you want about Corey Burton's attitude towards Ed Gilbert and TaleSpin; but he CAN act even in the worst of episode. Chip is now officially pissed off as runs after Dale and I smell that overdue chipmunk wrestling entertainment coming.....he just spins Dale around and starts blowing off Dale's goofing off. Come on Tad! Throw me a bone here! C&D are at their best when they are trying to kill each other for goodness sakes! Dale blows off Chip because Chip doesn't have a hat despite Chip having a fedora hat on his head. Man; that is so funny that only Homer Simpson in MUGEN could pull that one off.
Dale runs off as Chip is not amused at that at all. Spoiled Sport! Dale climbs down the rope ladder as Jolly Roger gives Dale a compass and treasure map because he's leading the hunt. Now that is awfully nice of him to do that as the dreaded bad bath robe effect is back from TMS again. Dale is giddy as they walk away stage left leaving Chip to sigh near the rope ladder. Chip follows the Pi-Rats Plus Honorable Captain Dale Pi-munk to the scary door and Dale think there is treasure; but Jolly Roger gets in front of the door because it lead to the home of Billy The Squid. Suuuuuurrrreee it does Jolly, because no one would do that if they were selfless. It's obvious that the door leads to treasure and I betcha Dale respects his wishes and moves on. I check the DVD....Aaarvey proclaims that he knows where the treasure is hopping like an idiot so Jolly bonks him on the head because Dale is the leader this week. When Chip doesn't do that before Jolly does; you know this episode is crap.
Chip is confused at all this as Dale amuses me some more with his pirate talk and nearly whacks Chip in the face with the compass. Poor sweet Dale; trying to carry this episode to average despite having nothing to help him do so. Dale walks off just in time for Chip to do the Gruffi pose to annoy me. So we head to the hallway towards the next door which uses the green/blue tint in most animation. Unlike Mr. Hardcore; it doesn't bug me since I have some good taste. (DTVA Characters: Yeah right?!) Dale declares that he has found the treasure and he opens the door which uses the Mr. Hardcore pitch black mature lighting. Okay; we now have two recorded instances of cartoons using what Mr. Hardcore wants which shows that Mr. Hardcore needs to see the shrink now. And of course there is treasure in that room..the mother lode. I wonder how Jolly Roger manages to get all that treasure into random rooms? Or are the Pi-Rats REALLY STUPID? I'm betting on the later here as Dale tosses some coins in the air in victory showing more effort in acting than anyone else as usual. Man; I guess everyone thought this one was a phone in episode.
Dale dives into the gold like Scrooge McDuck and wants to take the coins home; but Jolly Roger refuses because they need to keep it here to find next week. Well; it's official: I found a group that is more stupid than anyone in Saint Canard as Chip is not exactly amused by that either. Even worse: It's been happening for 200 years as Dale protests this outrage wearing as much treasure as he can to look awesome; but Chip stuffs the hat over Dale's head and proclaims that they won't mess with Jolly's treasure after all. What a party pooper?! At least the hat pull was as cool as when Kit does it to Molly. However; Jolly cannot allow this as the Pi-Rats draw their swords and surround the chipmunks because they saw the treasure. So this was all a trap after all. That might be the first good thing Jolly Roger has done in his two appearances in this series..and they are using the butter knives again; although they have handles to look like swords so it doesn't insult me as Jolly proclaims that they are staying here forever basically. That is so nice of him...NOT! That officially ends the segment exactly ten minutes in. AND I'M SICK OF THIS EPISODE ALREADY!
After the commercial break; we head back to the ocean as Gadget, Monty and Zipper finally finish their Mayo Submarine~! And Monty continues to sink which is pretty symbolic of his current heat right now isn't it?! Apparently; he cannot swim either as Gadget explains the machine the whole time. And yes; baking soda is involved with this one so expect major freshness coming out of it's butt. Everyone gets it (with Monty having trouble of course) and Gadget seals the top lid. She presses a button and they move to the front and nothing happens which she calls a problem. Then the boat sinks allowing the baking soda to make contact and that is no problem anymore as the box of baking soda explodes and we got power as the Mayo Submarine DIVES! DIVES! Oh forget it; the joke is too stupid to do without DiveMan involved. They are under the sea spiraling around for a while to waste more time as they head to Davey Jones' Locker which allows Monty to swear in DUBBED AUSSIE STYLE. They manage to make it to underneath; but the baking soda ran out of juice. You know you are screwed when THAT happens.
Thankfully; they float up into the plank area without breaking much logic and that leads to the pitch black scene; so Gadget invokes the flashlight and we have our second instance in this episode of not using the green/blue color tint as they shine right on Billy the Squid. Monty swears again (you know how) because it's an octopus. It grabs the Mayo Submarine in a last ditch effort to gain it's heat back; but Gadget uncorks the screw cap to abandon ship. They escape through the opposite hole and WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?! Logic break #6 for the episode as the submarine gets destroyed by the red octopus and the remaining Rangers swim away towards the exit which leads to the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE OCTOPUS EDITION~! They swim into the wooden seem where Billy is screwed and unable to reach as the Rangers finally find land which has a lot of gold coins which is a bad sign for them right off the bat. Monty climbs out and then he's giddy because there is all that MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH! Billy's tentacles reach out as Zipper panics in squeals. Which is enough for the Ranger to bail to avoid the POWER OF HENTAI!! That is complete with Hana Barbera looping and running sound effects. If this was Sun Woo; this would be a classic; but it's TMS so it's cheap as hell.
The Rangers bail behind the BARREL OF LAUGHS as they see the CHEST OF DEMONS on the top of the mountain of gold and Gadget has a plan. Normally; this would be the MIMI JOKE ZONE; but with Gadget around it's the SADIST JOKE ZONE. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....Gadget walks out and whistles at Billy making sure she's about a foot in the air while doing it. Finally! A good spot from Gadget that doesn't involve sadism. Gadget tries to mock him; but the POWER OF HENTAI forces her to bail up the hill...to fetch a pail of sadist nuts. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....Monty is panicky about Gadget's safety and I speak for everyone who like Gadget love: Just now you Aussie Stereotype?! We get the SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE HENTAI EDITION~ as I see Mr. Fat panicking over all this as we speak. Gadget hides into the CHEST OF DEMONS and Gadget closes the lid shut; squashing Billy's hentai powers. Time to lay off the cartoon porn there Billy. Billy runs away stage right as Gadget has the staff of good will in her hands. Monty sezs bonzer again to annoy me. Does anyone down under say that anymore (not including entertainment people)?! Monty grabs some coins because he wants the blinkin treasure; but Gadget stops him because they need to find the chipmunks while she builds another submarine. Monty realizes that he was a wee bit too greedy for his bridges and agrees to it.
So we get another scene changer as we are at a corner of the ship with another door as it opens and both Monty and Zipper practice the fine art of not being seen. This is just like shooting fish in a barrel with Monty around. And of course Monty screws that up by yelling for Chip and Dale in a cannon. Sadly; it doesn't echo just to screw with him. I HATE it when they logic break like that just to get him over; even more so when it's Tad Stones doing it. So we cut to inside a room which looks like a bedroom (check the drawers in the background as the female in drag Pi-Rat is using the most brutal mousetrap I have ever seen to sharpen her BS&P sword. We then see Monty and Zipper pop up from the drawers (NOT THAT ONE!) and they get a shot at some Pi-Rats diving into a steel bucket of water like a swimming pool. Good lord; this is getting really boring now. When the pirate den mother is more interesting than the rest of the scene; you got a problem.
Monty calls it a diving bell and the joke is completely unfunny since there is no real bell being used here. Damn; I cannot stand this episode as we change to see Monty and Zipper looking on as we cut to the brig with Chip & Dale locked in a parrot cage which happens to have a dead skeleton of a parrot on the perch and if my calculations are correct; it will be destroyed by the end of the segment. Jolly and his gang don't want them to make off with the treasure. Well; Dale is a money hog so I can understand why. Dale of course proclaims that he can be trusted because he's a Pi-munk see. Jolly no sells that one of course because he takes no chances. If Don had done that to Kit in the first place; Kit's plan would have failed and TaleSpin would be over before it starts. See; Long Lost Lafitte (I wonder who stole THAT name? Hmmm....) has an order and the Pi-Rats do not disobey orders. So; let me get this straight: They have been only acting REALLY STUPID all along?!! I smell Logic Break #7 for the episode. Chip strikes out the logic of that and of course Jolly Roger acts all stupid again saying that it isn't easy for #8 of the episode. I'm wondering if Disney got the credits wrong and Tad isn't really writing this because this is getting absurd beyond belief now.
Dale throws his Pi-Munk hat down because he doesn't want to be a Pi-Munk anymore. He then orders Chip to get them out of here and pulling on the bomber jacket is a sure sign of C&D Argument #548 and FINALLY Chip bonks Dale on the head 14 minutes in and blows him off for his stupid pirate playing. And then Chip literally kicks Dale right in the ass! HOLY CRAP?! Did Eisner REALLY PEE on Chip in the bathroom or something this morning?! Dale does some awesome bumping and destroys the corpse parrot on top of course. How dare Dale disrespect the dead like that?! Oh wait a minute; that didn't make me look good there. Irony is only funny until it happens to you. So; Dale did not disrespect nor raped the parrot corpse in any way. No siree! Pay no attention to the ranter behind the curtain. Chip gets the beak on his head for his trouble as the Pi-Rats laugh their asses off for that spot. Which so happens to be the only funny one of the episode so at least they have some taste. And then Monty's voice beckons as the Pi-Rats turn around and see Monty and Zipper with Monty dressed up like a bad Pi-Rat. Yeah; like I'm taking an Aussie Stereotype as a pirate seriously.
And Zipper plays the parrot of course with the fake feathers and nose. Sorry guys; those outfits are not cool. The Air Pirates were badass pirates guys. They were also terrorists; but whatever. Monty calls himself Long Lost Lafitte and of course everyone sells it as real because they are REALLY STUPID. Am I ranting on a Rescue Rangers episode; or an early Darkwing Duck episode set with mice here? Jolly isn't buying this judging by the look on his face (YAY!) as he calls out Monty's fake parrot which Zipper plays so badly but I betcha no one notices it anyway. Aaarvy considers the parrot small and Monty calls him sick. Well; of course he's sick. Zipper is sick enough to play a stupid parrot but it's not as cool as Kit playing a seal because Kit got to bump and screw Seymour out of his wits in All's Whale. Jolly is not buying this and wants proof of his existence. It's simple Jolly; rats live only three to four years maximum. So it's a fake right from the get-go. Aaarvey suggests getting Young Ned the cabin boy since he would know. Jolly agrees to it and the Pi-Rats bail to find him as Monty gulps because he's screwed right there. Dale drives the screw further by proclaiming out loud that he looks like Monty and Chip covers Dale's mouth as expected.
They bring out Young Ned and of course the hand of irony strikes again as he is about 99% through his lifespan it looks like. Like Tad was going to bring out a 12 year old kid. Eisner would never allow a Disney cartoon to have a child character of any kind as a heel to a bunch of pirates now would he? Would he? All that TaleSpin stuff is just Gregory Weagle spinning his wheels in an attempt to smear Disney's name for family entertainment because he couldn't get his AeroStar series made into a television series. He is bitter as a artichoke. And of course he's hard of hearing because Jolly has to scream at him. OH GOD; I hate that spot! It's was terrible in the past and it's terrible now. Young Irony Ned looks at Monty and declares the first trait of the lost captain with the funny squint in his eye and the rats say aye in response.
And like REALLY STUPID characters; it doesn't take much to amuse them. Monty squints and it's not funny right off the bat; but Young Ned ignores it anyway (he's probably blind too) and states that he's a short man which DQ's Monty right there and just for plain overkill: He only has one leg. I believe that Monty is finished as if he wasn't already with his silliness. Monty hops on one foot and Ned tells him it's the left one so Monty switches on cue. Bye, bye Monty; we hardly knew ye and we hardly wanted ye. And Young Ned still sells it as if he is him. What a FREAKIN IDIOT?! He makes the Pi-Rats seem like Kit Cloudkicker in comparison and an insult to all elders everywhere. Shame on you Tad Stones. Don't forget to pump your fist while feinting outrage there guys. And then they prove me wrong by cheering on the spot. If Tad thinks that this is funny then he truly is DARKWING...DUCK in real life: REALLY STUPID.
So Monty tells Dumb Jolly to release the prisoners and he sells as Jolly opens the cage and the chipmunks walk towards Monty as he tries to explain that they are leaving now as soon as Zipper comes back with Gadget and here comes Gadget questioning why Zipper looks like a complete tool. If this manages to screw them stiff; then good for her because this episode is really crappy now. Okay; maybe not a tool; but still implied. Chip goes over and covers Gadget's mouth to shut her up. OH GREAT! Now Eisner's starting the burial fest already for her. I just knew this would happen sooner or later. Oh; and THAT'S SEXIST! Jolly asks if they want him to take some treasure and Monty tries to agree with it; but Chip does the mean look to stop that one. Why bother?! You are going to get screwed since the segment is already long as it is and nearing it's end. Monty climbs on the rope ladder as everyone tries to get into the conveniently placed BARREL OF LAUGHS. For god's sakes Tad; stop that spot already as that is logic break #9 for the episode. I'm tried of all these magical items popping out of nowhere here.
The Pi-Rats salute him as Monty orders them to guard the treasure and in comes Young Ned asking him about his cheese. And Monty goes berserk right on cue and once again even Tad has no idea how to apply the psychology of the cheese addiction properly. I just knew this would go from a Dale/Chip episode to a Monty focused episode soon enough and it sucks badly. Young Ned enters with the Swiss Cheese Under Glass and the glass pops off revealing the smell. Oh for goodness sakes Tad; why bother with the over-the top sell on speaking it; if you were going to have the smell make him go berserk anyway. It's like beating someone over the head with cheese and just as smelly too. That's logic break #10 for the episode as Monty blows his cover and runs for the cheese as Jolly Dumbass finally gets it thus killing whatever heat he had left right out of the starting gate. Monty sits down to eat the cheese and the swords get unleashed and they blitz which logically leads to the scene changer.....
...and we see the Rangers tied up together in the hallway as the Pi-Rats stand guard. Jolly opens the door reveals their fate: Walking the plank. Yawn...That is so passe that it's not even funny. But then I'm so biased anyway because I saw TaleSpin and those cool Air Pirates who simply dropped a 12 year old off an airship 20,000 feet to their deaths. So I'm colored unimpressed at all this. The sword plank is a nice touch though; but once Teddy Ruxpin (two years before this episode mind you) and Kit Cloudkicker (one year after this) set the tone for this spot; this is just cliché beyond reason. The Rangers get forced onto the sword plank as Dale pleads for mercy because they had so much fun together. Jolly knocks on wood and that wakes up Billy The Squid as Jolly calls this fun. Well; he's REALLY STUPID, so I can see why he thinks so. Billy rises from the watery grave with a small wrap on his hentai arm and the Rangers are doomed as the segment ends eighteen minutes in. That is the longest and most painful eight minutes I have had in a long while that didn't involve pooping.
After the commercial break; we continue on with the “thrilling” walk the plank special. Scare quotes intentional. Chip has an idea as Billy is growling and he tells them to breathe out and they do allowing Zipper to fly out. Well; that was easy enough but still does nothing to save me from the pain of watching a painful spot like this. Zipper flies away as Jolly bangs on the sword with his sword causing the remaining Rangers to tip-toe right off the plank and Monty uses his tail to save them by hanging onto the plank. Oh swell; they are going to do the Teddy Ruxpin finish from Captured. Except that they are going to trivialize it. I know that the Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin wasn't exactly an awesome show (*** ½ by my way; but could have been easily ***** if there was better acting and a little more mean spirited comments from LB and Grubby.); but come on! Ken Fosse isn't bad at all.
Mark Zaslove had enough respect to pay homage to it and then trump it by having Kit merely dropped off the Iron Vulture quick and dirty without anything to break his fall other than the ocean below which is basically instant death; so why can't Tad show that? Jealousy much there guys?! Monty proclaims that he can be depended on...to let Billy invokes the POWER OF HENTAI on the ropes. At least Monty hasn't made organism noises; even though his body is having one right now. Zipper squeaks and gets into Billy's face to give him the Stink Butt Eye~! Okay; that was pretty funny actually. So Billy sneezes on cue and the Rangers go flying, giving us some glorified shots of their nether regions and they cannon ball up as the sword flies into the air and cuts the rope in mid air. Okay; that was pretty neat so I'll give Tad kudos for that despite the trivialization of the spot as usual as Billy bails to avoid the sword. It missed knowing BS&P and giving Logic Break #11 for the episode.
The Pi-Rats laugh on cue showing the combined IQ is 8 and it's time to sell. Jolly demands to know where all of Captain Haddock's promo cutting went (I had to get that one in for obvious reasons) and the Rangers Minus Zipper hang on to the trapdoor. $10 states that it opens and the place gets flooded since we have only three minutes left in the episode. Billy rises up with sword in mouth and the door opens and the crap must fall down! Okay; I lose $10 from myself. Crap happens of course as Billy gets crapped out (GET IT?! Okay that sounded better in my head) and the Rangers all exit through the top of the trap door. Jolly is now PISSED because they are after their food and that is truly a no-no when it comes to pirates. Yes; stealing their treasure is bad, but they can always get more. But when you steal their food; that is bloody murder dude! The Pi-Rat head up as we cut up to the food area as Monty wants to get back to the magic BARREL OF LAUGHS to escape; but Chip blows it off because that's what they want them to be at. Gadget then has her SADIST NUT JOKE ZONE PLAN to raise the ship by getting rid of the excess weight; by throwing the treasure out. Chip thinks the plan might work; if it wasn't for the tiny flaw that there is tons of gold and Gadget admits to the flaw. HEE HEE!
Sadly; the plan is screwed out for now since Jolly Roger Dumbass and his REALLY STUPID Pi-Rats are on the chase again. And of course Jolly Roger does a pratfall just because driving the fact that he has no heel heat now to ground is extreme BABEE! This is exactly like a DARKWING...DUCK episode now; minus the full of himself promos. So the chase is on and the Rangers are forced to bail stage left because the cannons are unleashed. Sorry; but the episode is too late to be saved with glorified violence now Tad. It's time to mercy kill this episode. The cannon is blasted and the pellet bounces around and magically disappears without hitting anything of note. DAMN YOU BS&P! At least do something goofy for the next two minutes. The Rangers get on the cannon as Gadget deduces using the cannon to the blast the treasure free from the ship. Why not just blast the cannon downward and blast the ship away from sea onto land? It's absurd; but it makes sort of sense compared to this plan.
Monty and Zipper offer to hold off the Pi-Rats and Zipper proves that his sword skills suck worse than Jamayla Jake's PISTON PUNCHES OF DOOM. When that happens; you know you are hosed as a character. I mean this blue bottle guy opens an oven with no effort; but cannot hold up a sword? Proof that Zipper was taking steroids from Larson & Gary. However; Zipper manages to cut the net on the rebound to drop some of the crew down onto the floor. Curses! Foiled again by the crazy contrived spot! Great; now I'm almost talking like Jolly Roger. Almost. We cut to see Gadget love with a match which has got to be the most dangerous thing she has ever done to date as Chip & Dale load up the cannon with the cannon ball. Why not have C&D distract the Pi-Rats and have Monty load the cannon so they can pay off the entire story which was Dale's play pirating screwing Chip over? Answer: Because they are trying way too hard to get Monty over silly. C&D have no dice as Monty plays Tarzan and does it so badly that Tarzan and Kit would be hanging their heads in shame over it all. And Monty gets tied up against a wall beam of course just to amuse me at last after 20 minutes of pain.
Zipper does his completed ten seconds of work by catapulting himself off a rope and the power of suggestion knocks the Pi-Rats including the den mother. Because we couldn't go through an episode without TMS blowing a spot. I mean the den mother wasn't even CLOSE to Zipper! We cut back to C&D continuing to have zero luck with the cannon ball. And Monty still has zero luck with the Tarzan spot. Well; at least Monty is amusing me as Arrvey fires the gun cannon and the pellet bounces off the cannon ball which neatly goes into the cannon. Oh for crying out loud guys! Make Avvery look stupid and make C&D look weak in the process by helping them in a lucky shot. Major fluster moment there Tad! Chip tells Gadget that the cannon is loaded which is false since it's not drunk with alcohol first. Gadget lights the fuse on the cannon (Toon Disney Cut Possible here!) and Dale is stupid enough to stand right in front of the cannon. Well; at least he's trying to do his part, I'll give him that much. Chip pushes Dale down as they duck the cannon ball and the cannon ball whizzes through the wall....
Joey: We just fixed that wall!
….which in turn snaps a few ropes which allows all the treasure to drop down from the ship and misses Billy! Okay; that doesn't make any sense since the treasure would have to be right on one spot to make it work and the treasure was spread around. Second; there's no trap door underneath the bloody room where the treasure is! Double face palm of doom there Tad. Logic Break #12 for the episode and that one is so Chuck Tately-ish of you too Tad. And you just had to take the fun of it by having Billy not get squashed by the gold. Billy grabs onto the top of the mast as the ship floats up towards the surface as the Rangers take some really wussy bumps against the walls of the ship to waste more time. The ship finally reaches the surface and Dale is on the brushes of doom thinking that it is over and then the ship starts tipping to waste even more time. At least the bumping is much better here; but why waste time on a dramatic spot like this; when the whole episode was basically a bad comedy act? The Rangers run away as the CHEST OF DEMONS misses squashing them by about seven feet more or less. The ship finally turns around face up as we cut down below the ship level as the Pi-Rat crew is on the BARREL OF LAUGHS proclaiming that the world is upside down and they cheer for it. Yes folks; they are REALLY STUPID and no matter what moral Gadget proclaims when Monty is rowing the wooden plank; none of them has learned anything. Which is apporos for such a pointless episode. Now they have real adventures again which is really not much better than these adventures; but I'll take what I can get from it. And Billy The Squid is tied to the top of the mast of course by Chip & Dale just to bury him for good because squids with hentai fetishes never get ahead in this world. I think there is a passage about that in the bible or something.
Everyone cheers on cue of course as Dale violates the rhyming rule of doom and we get another scene changer as the Rangers all climb down the rope ladder into the BARREL OF LAUGHS as Jolly Roger is suddenly babyface despite not really doing anything remotely babyface to earn it. Don't worry; he'll turn heel next time they meet. He wants them to join for more adventures and Chip proclaims that they had enough for one day as the ship sails away like the ghost ship that it really is while the Rangers wave goodbye. The ship sails away in the sunset as Jolly Roger and the Pi-Rats wave to Dale. Monty and Chip wonder where Dale is and Gadget proclaims that he is planning a farewell cannon salute. UH OH! I'm beginning to have this angry feeling inside of me. And Dale points four cannons and fires them towards the ship as the Pi-Rats and Jolly Roger get crapped out! HAHA! TOTAL MARKOUT CITY FOR THAT SPOT! AND A SCREW YOU TO TAD FOR SCREWING ME LIKE THAT! Well; that pretty much turns the Pi-Rats heel again as Dale and company laugh it up to end the episode at 21:09. Well; they were one step away from our first DUD; but Dale pull it out with a brilliant ending that made me laugh and made me want to strangle Tad Stones for making me endure 21 minutes of pain and suffering to get there. I never thought this would be the worst episode in the series; but they managed. And that Tad thought this was a good idea it makes it even more painful, knowing his reputation as a really great writer and producer. Sad, sad day indeed. 1/4* (5%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; had I not realized that I made a mistake when writing this rant, I would have proclaimed that this episode is the worst in Tad's writing career. But it's written by Mark Edens instead, so I'm sorry if I took a lot of frustration out of Tad Stones for this one. He still deserves some for this; but Mark deserves most of the bashing here as this story stunk worse than most of Monty's bad cheese cooking episodes. I'm not going to re-edit the rant for that. I'm sorry for making Tad look really bad here; I really am. Mark had no idea what to do here: He was building towards having Dale's partying screwing him over and then he dropped in favor of getting Monty's over instead and thus destroying the foundation and the payoff of the episode which Dale didn't learn anything at all and was only encouraged to continue acting like a messy guy. Let him learn his lesson and then lapse him back into character. TaleSpin does this well; why not them? And there were logic breaks and magical items coming out of nowhere which made no sense; including the Chuck Tately finish which included almost a full minute of rising the ship which was a pretty animation feat; but pointless since it could have been done in thirty seconds with better bumping. The Pi-Rats were not much better as they went from really stupid to smart and then to stupid again with no believability in between the switch. I'm all for suspending disbelief; but there was no belief to suspend; so it doesn't work. TMS screwed up with the bad robe spot; Gadget was little help; Monty was a goof which had some amusement near the end but was his usual bad self. Zipper was Zipper and Dale tried hard to carry this episode; but the level of suck was too much. Chris Barat was correct; these Pi-Rat episodes are terrible to watch and Don Karnage just makes this even worse in hindsight and time. So; let's just go on to the next rant and avoid talking any more crap about a crappy episode like this. So.....
Thumbs way the hell down for this episode and I'll see you next time.
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