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Flash The Wonder Dog
Reviewed: 01/31/2009
Wonder if Bolt The Dog was in the audience?
It's a bit funny to think about it; but when TaleSpin was doing Bullethead Baloo at the time; it was used as a promo for The Rocketeer movie Disney was releasing around that that time. Ironically; the episode was better than the movie. Now we have this episode and 20 years later give or take; this episode would become the basis for another movie: Disney's Bolt with Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus as a voice actress. $10 say that this episode will be better than the movie; although the odds are it happening are far easier than TaleSpin had with the Rocketeer. So let's rant on shall we.....?!
This episode is written by Buzz Dixon and teleplayed by Buzz Dixon and David Wise. The story was edited by Bryce Malek and supervised by Tad Stones. Buzz is another animation writer who has written such shows as G.I. Joe 1985, Transformers 1986, Tarzan & The Super 7, BraveStarr and two movies such as Terror In Paradise and Dark Planet. Umm; yeah. The animation is done by TMS Entertainment in maybe one of the last times you will see them before some of the animators jumped ship to form Walt Disney Animation Japan.
Annoying Moment #1: And we return to the first version of the opening sequence again.
We begin this one at the Fake Tower of London in the morning as we cut to an image of a blond haired human female wearing a green dress tied to a chair (!!!) as a bunch of thugs dressed in black with purple trim (Ala Undertaker circa 1994 minus the AWESOME purple gloves) demand that she give the secret recipe while having dynamite tied underneath her chair. You can basically tell from the start that this is a work instead of a shoot because of one thing: If it were a shoot; they would tickle her because BS&P wouldn't allow this due to Peggy Charmon. Oh well; it's 1989, and we didn't know any better back then. She refuses despite showing a lot of fear as we cut to Dale watching the scene in television (another sign that it's a work) biting his fingernails faster and better than Sister Bear from Bearstein Bears ever could. And see; she's dead, DEAD I SAY when the big hand reaches 12 on the clock. Dale's selling of the whole thing is so believable that it can only be Dale doing it. The Undertake Circa 1994 thugs try to escape stage left; but then a dog starts howling Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries. It really saddens me that no one knows what that music implies to culture or why it has become an AWESOME public domain music; but then again the young ones listen to Hannah Montana anyway; so they don't have the time or resources (as in MONEY, MONEY, YEAH, YEAH!) to really have a chance to enjoy anything else at this point. And on the green building we see a blue costumed freak dog in a mask which the blond woman proclaims as Flash The Wonderdog; a parody of Superman of course. Possible Weak Point: Scooby Snacks. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH COME ON! You saw that one coming a mile away.
Why does the dog look like the main character dog from All Dogs Go To Heaven (I believe that film came out at around the same time as this episode too) minus the costume? Dale of course cheers for victory and for the Undertaker's death sort of as apparently; Flash has his sidekick Conrad Cockatoo; which is a white dove in the same blue costume with red/orange cape and a dog paw symbol in the middle. Yeah; that is so Supermanish of you Flash. And the red masked costume speed freak human Flash wants his name back too you dog! Flash jumps onto the plank of wood (despite having flying noises; another sign that it's a work) and the first thug goes flying away stage left. Dale does some shadow punching just to get into the show as Flash bites on the pants leg of the thugs. You just knew BS&P is in full force since there is no biting on the actual leg allowed here. Dale then really amuses me by uppercutting himself RIGHT IN THE FACE! HAHA! Dale sells like a punch drunk and then resumes his anime wave arm as Flash springs the plank back and it nails a can of black paint which gets dunked onto a thugs' face. I'm sorry; but once Kit said Oh My God afterward for the same spot; it went out of style.
Dale still sells it like mad as fedora-less Chip arrives demanding answers to this awesome selling of Dale's. Dale explains the whole scene in rapid-fire mode (and I do mean the whole scene as he doesn't explain what happened before?) and punches Chip RIGHT IN THE FACE! HAHA! Chip goes flying off-screen with a good bump as blond girl screams for Flash to save her as the clock nears 12. Cockatoo tries to unsnap the ropes; but the television gets turned off before it could get really good. As in; Cockatoo gets ignored ala Kit Cloudkicker from A Bad Reflection On You. Take one guess who turned the television off. Dale tries to get to the remote; but Chip blocks it and then blows him off for being too wrapped up into the show. NO MORE WORKRATE IN DALE EPISODES! I can just hear Chip now reading his lips. Dale declares that Flash is the greatest hero of all time and Chip has that look of: Wait until next year when a certain bear cub punches Flash and Dale in his Insano Nuts. AHHAHAHAHAHA! Chip blows him off leaving because Flash is just an actor and Dale blows him off which is just another C&D Argument #888 this time around. Dale is SHOCKED and APPALLED (in that order) of Chip saying that it's like professional wrestling. Only in professional wrestling you are a million more times likely to get seriously injured; so it negates the whole “it's fake!” concept quite a bit. C&D Argument #888 is in full force as I awaited with baited breath for the Chipmunk Wrestling to finally occur.....and of course Gadget interrupts that so she closes the door and leaves so we don't have to have BS&P cut a scene of Chip and Dale fighting.
So we head to Mr. Fat's office (YAY! Back-to-Back episodes of everyone's favorite perverted cat.) as he's watching Cockatoo trying to snap the ropes and free the blond woman from the television series and Mr. Fat is enjoying himself. Mr. Fat is SHOCKED and APPALLED because in his mind; cats are better than dogs. Ironically; TaleSpin was equal handed in characters with cats and dogs and thus got the black sheep labeled attached to it. Because someone has to win that war to get over see. Mr. Fat spills his drink which sadly means; no groping Gadget for 72 hours. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm....Mr. Fat pushes the black button on his console and that opens the elevator to reveal his heels as Mepps returns after apparently being ignored for most of the previous rant. Must have seen his parole officers. AHHAHAHAHA! Mepps and the gang salute their master and Mr. Fat blows them off because he was testing his moron magnet. SCORE!
Just For Fun Rant #1: Mr. Fat then pops the most important question of them all: What does he hate more than anything in the world? The heels gather together for a conference and here are the odds makers for each possible answer as follows:
[a.]
Not getting his dirty paws on under-aged females 2:1
[b.]
Nintendogs and all dogs Nintendo represented in that game. 4:1
[c.]
The Rescue Rangers 4:1
[d.] Don Karnage stealing his heel heat one
year later 10:1
[e.] Bonker Dee. Bobcat and his television show
20:1
[f.] Mepps whiny nasal voice 20:1
[g.] The Phantom Zone
50:1
[h.] Wart's prone position 50:1
[I.] Anyone named Mole
100:1
[j.] Michael Eisner 1:1 (because everyone hates him...unless
you are Bob Iger than you are hated EVEN more)
And so what do the heels give as an answer? If you said answer b; then you won an assurance that you will NEVER work for the Walt Disney company for as long as you live. That's because they are the new Orwellan world see. Mr. Fat claps lightly on that response and then asks who is the most beloved dog. Here are the odds makers for this possible answer:
[a.]
Flash The Wonderdog 1:1
[b.] Plato 5:1
[c.] Pluto 10:1
[d.]
Chainsaw 30:1
[e.] Canina La Fur 50:1
[f.] Zsa Zsa Labador
50:1
[g.] Lassie 50:1
[h.] Goofy 100:1
And of course; Mole picks the right answer which is a; because he ALWAYS watches that show whenever he gets to; which makes Mr. Fat angry as hell. The heels shut Mole up as Mr. Fat proclaims that his master MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN is to kidnap Flash and ruin his reputation. Why not just kidnap Cockatoo and turn him to evil? That's how Don Karnage did it with Kit before TaleSpin aired. The only dogs people will like is hot dog as he twirls his evil porn star mustache as we cut back to Flash swinging like Tarzan and thus ruining the image that he is a legit dog and is really an anthro dog. Of course it's really Sam as the stunt double which ruins the suspense of the attempt to make it appear as a shoot. Luckly; neither Dale nor Mr. Fat see it so it's not a logic break. Still; I would have waited until the end before revealing the stunt double so that it creates suspense and drama for Dale to see him as a fake. I just hope this episode is entertaining from here on end.
The real Flash casually walks around the bend as the ropes are unsnapped by Cockatoo (the real hero of the story since he risked his life to untie her) and the girl and they embrace complete with Ride of the Valkyrie howling which is probably sweeten by the producers. Hint: Flash does the spot while we get the shot of the directors in the Gorilla position cuing up watching on the monitors. The announcer then cracks me up for all the wrong reasons by proclaiming that we will be back from these message with the commercial from Sludgies; the new cereal made from mud. Somehow; that sounds like EEEEWWWWWWW to me and so SICK AND WRONG! The scene is over; so Flash and Blond walk towards the wooden ladder and the blond woman climbs down while Flash is whimpering like a pussy. Okay; I take it back. This is better off without the suspense as we cut to a red-haired director with black glasses and a white shirt with the MEGAPHONE OF JIMMY HARTS groaning about the wussiness of Flash so he orders Frank to get the crane. Red head blows off Flash's Jim Cornette gimmick as the crane arrives to get Flash down and Red Head walks off...
So we cut to outside Flash's dressing room as the heels practice the fine art of not being seen which fails badly. However; no one would believe a bunch of anthros in this world and faint dead away so it negates the failure. They run into the dressing room complete with the sack and shut the door as Sam The Wonder Stunt Double (Hint: he's the one who is winded) limps towards the door feeling weak and limp as a dishrag. He of course enters his room (even opening the door with his paws in a pretty neat feat of anthro strength there) and shuts the door. And of course we get the more believable FCC FRIENDLY FIGHT BEHIND A CLOSED DOOR OF DOOM which leads to the heels leaving the room with their prey in the sack. Well; that was quick and clean as they say. So we cut to the television monitor inside Rescue Ranger Headquarters as the announcer shows a picture of Flash the Wonderdog proclaiming that he has disappeared as Dale is sitting on the pin cushion chair SHOCKED and APPALLED.
Even going as far as doing a back flip out of the chair in stunned silence and then he runs out as we cut to Gadget sewing up the Rangerplane with the GOLDEN NEEDLE OF SOFTS. Man; Gadget finds more ways to use that needle than SquareEnix does. Maybe that shows the lack of talent they have had since the merger doesn't it?! And of course fedora-less Chip and Monty are helping as Dale runs in like a panicked child because a catastrophe has happened! A calamity! A DISASTER HE SEZS! HEE HEE! Because Flash the Wonderdog has disappeared from the face of the earth and Gadget and Chip gets tied up with string! I betcha Chip bonks him on the head and blows him off. I check the DVD....Damn; I'm good. Maybe Dale shouldn't have shook him hard like that. Gadget however takes Dale's side as Monty gives the best counter to Chip's answer: How can the Rescue Ranger live up to their name; if they don't live up to their name of rescuing animals like Flash? Dale prays to Chip to do it; even saying please and Chip decides to accept it as that is enough for Dale to knock Chip down on his back and he gets all giddy and kissy-kissy to boot. I think even I'm taken aback by this silliness from Dale.
So we head to a construction site as the workers dig a huge hole and are set to pour concrete as we head to the cement mixer truck from behind as Mr. Fat and his heels are behind it dressed up as Flash the Wonderdog and his sidekicks. UH OH! I think we are going to degenerate into a Double Darkwings episode here. I mean; check your internal logic here: Mr. Fat is about three times fatter than Flash or Sam is; and none of the other heels can fly ala Cockatoo. Would it be easier just to poison Cockatoo and Sam against Flash for being such a fake and do the evil things for Mr. Fat? I do like it when the main villain wants to get his hands really dirty and do work rate as much as the next guy; but at least think the plan through before executing it! And I bet $200 that the stupid humans will buy that Mr. Fat and company are Flash and Cockatoo too since this is a Tad Stones animated cartoon.
They all put the masks on (which I do admit does help the disguise a bit; but still not enough to make the difference) and Mr. Fat goes into the cement mixer and turns it on which is enough to cause the cement to pour onto a red car. Well; the statue of limitations on a spot is seven years in the WWE; so Steve Austin pouring cement into Vince's car in 1998 was all right. Besides; this show is retired and not being remade anyway. The foreman wearing a goofy white hard hat and black clothes with a voice that sounds like he's sick with a bad cold protests this outrage; but the music screws him as he demands answers on who ruin his car. I would love to say Gosalyn since this right down her alley; but it's Mr. Fat Flash The Wonder Fat Cat~! AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm...Well; Mr. Fat can howl like a dog fairly well; I'll give Mr. Fat some credit. At least he's trying to make it look convincing even if his fat ass and beer gut isn't helping him one bit. Mr. Fat Flash laughs after the Ride of the Valkyries howl and then runs off as the stupid humans completely buys into the spot.
So we cut to a fruit processing plant as a bunch of humans are outside lifting boxes from the trucks which is a sign of my olden days of processing dry fruit for Branded. It was a good experience and they liked me there; but the work ran out in January and I was out of a job. We never met again afterward. Then comes Blind Mouse as he cuts the rope on the boxes of apples and that completely drops them onto the ground causing a slight mess. Blind Mouse's version of the Ride of the Valkyrie is so hilariously bad that maybe Mr. Fat should have used him as the one and then sweeten the voice with a sound effect or something. At least he has the height, weight and even remotely has the color tone scheme of Flash; but the mouse tail negates the effect somewhat. And then we cut to a baby carriage with a mother looking for something as we just know what is going to happen here since two years later they recycled this spot in Double Darkwings. Mole comes in; steals the big ass baby bottle (WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOTHER DOING TO THAT CHILD?!) and drinks it right in front of the mother (yellow dress with red band on head) as she screams. Mole just needs to lose about 10 pounds and lighten his fur and he's got the part down hard.
Mole's version of Ride of the Valkyries is even more hilariously bad than Blind Mouse's in case you want to know. We then cut to a billboard as a painter (check the white overalls, hat and green shirt) painting a billboard of a man and woman showing off their white teeth in a pretty disturbing moment. The painter also has the goofy glasses on and is old as he wants a drink of water. So he uses the rope (attached to his plank of wood used to give him a platform to paint on) to lower himself down and then goes down the ladder and walks off to the glass of water where ever it is. Memo to painter: Use a Thermos. Wart pops up from the right side of the billboard laughing and minus the green skin with spots; he is dead perfect for the job. I'll give the writers this; at least they tried to make it remotely look convincing compared to the obvious difference between Drake and LP two years later. I still say convincing Sam and Cockatoo to turn on Flash ala Barnincle Boy on Mermaid Man in Spongebob SquarePants would have been fresh and entertaining; but Disney would NEVER let the babyface sidekick turn heel now...would they? (Looking at Kit and Gosalyn).
Wart uses the paint can to rise the plank and cause some really neat mess spots on the billboard on the way up and then expresses his artistic side by improving the billboard about 5000%. The green painter comes back after Wart stamps the PAW STAMP OF APPROVAL and he is pissed off about his masterpiece being ruined. I would say that Wart Flash did a public service in entertaining and amusing me; so that stupid human is nothing more than an art snob. It may be vandalism; but it's QUALITY VANDALISM~! Wart's version of Ride of the Valkyries is the best one even surpassing Mr. Fat's version. I think Mr. Fat should have painted Wart in Flash's colors and then just let him do all the work because Wart just got over on that spot alone. And of course; the stupid human buys into the act. At least the act is more convincing than Jamalaya's act of Launchpad and the zombie potion in DARKWING...DUCK; so I'll live...
So we head into the skies over town in the Rangerplane as Dale has the binoculars looking for Flash and everyone else looks bored as Chip wants to go home. Dale refuses to go home and does a not so good version of the Ride of the Valkyries. That is a sign that it's time to go back Dale; when you cannot do that spot in a goofy manner. Gadget wonders why he did that and Dale proclaims that he did it for Flash to hear. Monty the Aussie Stereotype blows it off (Peter Cullen again) because the chances of that working are a million to one..and then Flash's original version of the howl beckons thus screwing the stereotype good. Gadget notices that Flash might be in a condemned building and so the Rangerplane flies towards it and lands on the roof. The Rangers all hop out and Dale gets way too close to the edge and it crumbles allowing the hang on spot to commence. Dale climbs up without any further incident and quickly runs off after the blur look down. So we cut to inside the building on the wooden floor as the Rangers (with Zipper finally showing up) as they see in the distance Mepps sleeping on the job near a door where I bet Flash is being kept. He of course is snoring with a cheese sandwich in his hand and cheese equals DANGER since Monty is around.
The Rangers practice the fine art of tip toeing; but of course we all know that the SMELL OF DEATH is going to engulf Monty and it does as it's the CHEESE ADDICTION OF DOOM nearly eight minutes in. Well; at least Buzz Dixon gets the psychology of the spot unlike Mike Edens. Monty floats over as Zipper turns around and squeaks in panic as Monty's eyes are bigger than his sandwich as he goes in for the MURDERING of CHEEEESSSSSEEEEE; but Chip pulls Monty by the tail and they fly off taking some decent bumps on the floor in the process. About damn time someone screwed Monty out of his thievery of cheese. Great bump into the wall by Chip though; as the SMELL OF DOOM doesn't give up yet on Monty; but Chip bitch slaps him good. This all just makes Jamalya Jake look like a bigger pussy now with the PISTON PUNCHES OF DOOM. Chip runs off; but Monty goes back, steals the Swiss Cheese Cheddar and eats it while sucking his fingers before running off again. Sadly; that in turn wakes up Mepps. D'OH!
So we go to DA....HOLE in the wall as Chip stammers like Zummi on speed as he sees Flash on the other side. Dale hops into DA...HOLE (God bless Baby Plucky!) and hugs right onto Flash's nose as he wakes up. Flash wonder who these rodents are and Chip and the gang enter as they exchange notes. Monty tells Zipper that he is the “key to this puzzle” as Zipper goes to the keyhole and unlocks the door with his body and thus gets in his ten seconds of work for this episode. Zipper opens the door and the Rangers think they are safe; but here comes Mepps. By the way; I'm glad Mepps has the same type of humor that I had when Chip told Dale to stick them up in Double'O'Chipmunks. Chip and Dale bail; while Monty does the hat pull spot on Mepps. Oh for goodness sakes guys; don't use Monty in this episode for that spot. Mepps is blind as a blind orange cat and the Rangers run out and bail stage right allowing Monty to swear in DUBBED AUSSIE STYLE (blokes). Mepps wants them to come back; and of course the babyfaces won't for obvious reasons. Mepps apparently gets his sight back and chases after them as they head to the Rangerplane; but the floor crumbles big time and now Flash is hanging on for dear life...and it's the real Flash proving me wrong again as he is clearly afraid of heights. Although it's hard to tell; since hanging on for dear life from a fall that would KILL anyone not named Jesus or Kit Cloudkicker (and even Kit nears his Air Foil as an assist) would be a scary experience for anyone not named those two characters. Dale commands Flash to jump; but Flash is real since he admits that he is scared of heights as Mepps is closing in. Dale tells him that he must as the Rangers hop into the Rangerplane. The edge crumbles and Flash completely free falls scared half to death by all this to end the segment nearly ten minutes in. Flash's acting is absolutely beautiful here as he is convincing me that he is scared stiff.
After the commercial break; and thankfully; Flash's cape saves him on the edge of a window as the Rangerplane comes down with the chipmunks proclaiming that they will save him. Flash is scared stiffer than Scooby Doo on his best scary pose. That's the benefits of TMS animating in general. The cape rips off and Flash free falls again; taking a MAN-SIZED bump on his nether region on a lead pipe! OUCH! There is no soft way of taking THAT one! The Rangerplane flies down further as Dale is confused because Flash in his mind could climb up the side of a building which Chip blows off because Flash NEEDS a stunt double to do all the work and Dale cannot believe what he considers absolute nonsense. Monty tells Gadget to lower something and I hope it's not her work rate. Luckly the panel underneath the Rnagerplane opens and it's a grappling hook which Zipper helps lower and attach to the canvas roof below Flash's area to fall from.
Gadget rises up and flies over to the other side and attaches the other side of the canvas to a hook to make the net bigger. Chip states that the device is ready and Dale yells to Flash to jump; but Flash no sells because he's scared to death. Man; this episode is MURDERING Bolt already. Just like next year when Bullethead Baloo MURDERS The Rocketeer. Moral Lesson of the Day: Never use a television episode plotline in a full feature length movie that you make customers pay $7+ to see when you can download it for free on Youtube; or get the legit DVD from Disney for $50 and get 27 episodes out of it for less than $2 an episode. And unlike Piratesy; this is dramatic and thus doesn't trivialize other important dramatic fall spots into comedy acts. Dale cannot believe that Flash the Wonderdog is scared as Chip now has to formulate another plan and Gadget is already on the case for that. The pipe snaps on cue though and Flash does a good Warner Brothers sell before free falling again. Flash is clearly Rob Paulsen voice in case you didn't notice. Flash bounces up on the green canvas net and then does a good slide before taking an awesome MAN-SIZED bump off-screen into about three tires as he looks just about dead now. The Rangers except Dale cheer as he is not amused by all this fakery.
So we head to ground level as Flash magically gets dusted off and is exchanging notes with the Rangers. Well; all but Dale of course who is sitting in the back seat looking completely pissed off complete with Gruffi pose. Wow; I know that Flash is a fake; but dammit he can act well. I guess Dale's hopes and dreams to be a Superman superheroes have been dashed by the POWER OF HOLLYWOOD LIES~! Monty thinks that the cat guarding Flash looked too familiar. NO?! REALLY?! Flash admits that his heat on the public makes him a target (which is an honest thing to say all things considered.) and he wants to go back to being a TV star. Well; at least Flash is honest enough to admit that he isn't really a true superhero and that he plays one on television and thus makes Dale look like a whiny little child who cannot see reality straight. Of course; Dale is insane most of the time so it actually fits with him in character. Flash bids farewell and even offers Dale to see him in person; which Dale ignores. Flash seems very concerned as Chip state that Dale is a little disappointed. NO?! REALLY Chipper?! He looked mighty pissed off to me. Gadget and Monty explain Dale's thoughts and Flash goes over and tells Dale that he is not really a hero and just a television actor (and sounds mighty honest and sorry to boot which just makes me respect him) and then walks off thanking the Rangers for their services. Dale sheds a tear as the Rangers bid farewell to him. So that logically leads to....
...Rescue Ranger Headquarters as Zipper flies through the open door (a bad sign that Dale is taking this too hard right off the bat) with a purple daisy (now there is something you don't see everyday) as a way to cheer up Dale; but no dice as Dale sits at the table depressed. Man; talk about killing your hopes and dream there Dale-sama. Gadget slides down the Dale Slide of Doom with a box as she is cheerful and wants to show off Dale with her new invention which looks pretty lame in a rare moment for her. Monty enters from the kitchen with Cheddar Cheese Casserole and of course we finally get logic break #2 for the episode since the cheese smell of doom doesn't make Monty go berserk! Oh for goodness sakes guys; stop trying to make Monty strong here since DALE is the focus character here. Well; Monty does float so at least some of the logic break is gone but he still doesn't eat the stuff. Dale no sells all as the Rangers cannot seem to snap Dale out of his funk as Monty decides to eat the stuff anyway. Would have been funnier if he just gone berserk on his own food and ate it before Dale no sold. Chip proclaims that nothing is working thus far so he jumps onto the blue sofa and turns on the television. You know Dale is in a deep sense of depression when even CHIP wants Dale to be hyper again. Dale no sells that and sulks in his own arms.
Chip is not impressed by this (oh for Pete's sake Chip; Dale is upset because Flash told him the truth about him being a fake.) so he turns on the television and on comes a token black guy reporter. Well; I guess Tom Lockjaw and Stan Blather are still on strike at this point over bad payments from Eisner. Don't all DTVA characters HAVE that problem guys?! Anyhow; there is a globe beside the reporter so you know that this report is SERIOUS BABEE! Apparently; Flash The Wonderdog has run amok to the side of heeldom. They then show footage of the mess that was made; but no footage of Flash actually doing the stuff which is fine because it makes the humans a lot less stupid than everyone in It's A Bird! It's Insane! It's....Dale and in Double Darkwings. Except for Drake and Dale of course. And that is enough to wake up Dale from his funk because even if he's a fake; he's not a heel. See why the honesty from Flash is so important here? It helps Flash's reputation and builds up sympathy for the guy when evidence is not enough to prove that he isn't a heel. Monty sees a trap brewing and they need to get to Flash before someone else tries to put him down so to speak. Dale proclaims that it's time to go to the television station and it's Rescue Rangers away nearly 14 minutes in....
So we go to the television set as the Red Haired director is taking questions from the media (check the microphones in his face) with his clipboard and blows off Flash because he never trusted the mutt. Yeah; because saving your ass from responsibility for him is far more important than saving the dog's ass from being convicted of crimes he NEVER did in the first place. And they say Rebecca is such a bitch?! Conrad the Sidekick of course gets to take his place which I'm sure pleases a certain bear cub from somewhere in the future since he would love to kick Eisner in the groin with his Cloudkicker Kick for calling him a mere sidekick to Baloo. As if they think Kit is Robin from Batman; the guy runs rings all over Baloo and virtually everyone in TaleSpin and Eisner reduces him to sidekick? How disgustingly repulsive as Mr. Fat just said a few seconds after the announcement was made. Yeah; because if there is one thing more obscene than a beloved dog; it's a beloved white dove bird of peace. I see someone in creative thinks all cats are heels as the elevator opens and in comes Mepps panicking hard because Flash the Wonder Television Dog has escaped and Mr. Fat already knows as Mepps decides not to tell him.
Good idea Mepps as Mr. Fat asks if the Rescue Rangers are involved and Mepps agrees with his good guessing and then asks him how he knew...Oh; and if you cannot guess the blowoff coming from the west side; you have no business reading this rant. Yeah; and Mr. Fat pushes the black button of doom which opens the trap door and Mepps freefalls as I expected him to be. I guess Mr. Fat rewired the thing before the scene since it's the SAME BUTTON he used to open the elevator earlier in the episode. Now that brings new meaning to making your heels second guess themselves; doesn't it?! Mr. Fat decides to really do the most evil deed of all time: Attack his former co-star on television. Oh man; this sounds like a warning to Kit to me as Mr. Fat does the evil laugh as Conrad salute his public on television on the perch as the circle fade out on the television set happens.
So we head to the television station as we see an angry mob protesting outside this outrage for no real reason. Why? They already replaced Flash The Wonderdog with Conrad; so why are they angry? Unless these are the protesters who think Conrad is somehow a phallic symbol (EG: middle finger) in their minds and Conrad is going to make their children do bad things to their parents. And naturally; Flash is REALLY STUPID as he walks around the bend right in front of the protester mob. I see Drake Mallard watches too much Rescue Rangers since he would later drive this spot to the ground in Let's Get Respectable! The goofy construction work invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH as Flash is here and now Flash is about to get MURDERED! And naturally; Flash acts like Drake Mallard thinking his fans love him. Wow; he is so...full of himself there. No wonder Drake Mallard was so (insert swear word here) in the head. The mob of doom blitzes and Flash is forced to bail as at least he's smart enough to realize that they aren't wanting his autograph as he hides inside a trash cans.
Flash cannot understand why people hate him so much. I cannot understand how anyone can buy Mr. Fat as Flash the Wonderdog AT ALL. And of course they also have good eyesight to see him pop out of the can despite being about 200 feet away and the chase is back on BABEE! Anger: It creates tunnel vision like nothing else. We then see the Rangerplane flying to the station as Dale points to Flash running away from the angry mob and into the television studio. So Chip orders Gadget to land the plane and she sells it which I can assure you Disney would never allow again. Why? Because it would be seen as sexist see. Because you cannot allow a female and a male to be equal. Because the female must always be stronger than the male since the male will always be seen as a domination jackass in real life. They call it “justice” even though it's clearly revenge. Context is so important in this case people. No wonder the real world is so screwed up.
So we cut to inside the studio on the set of Conrad The Wonder bird as they start taping a scene of the new introduction where the announcer (who looks like a younger version of my family doctor Doctor Sanders.) as Conrad stays on the perch and acts cool while his only fan makes the wind blow. Well; he's trying, I'll give him that much as we head to the gorilla position where Red-Haired Director is looking on. Why do I get the feeling he was HAPPY to see Flash's reputation die? Does he have a secret alliance with Mr. Fat to screw Flash? I SMELL A FANFIC COMING! Conrad's version of Ride of the Valkyrie is middle of the road which is not a good sign for him right off the bat. We cut to the camera stand where the Rangers are hiding as we see Flash running in from the side as Flash runs in pleading for help (in a television opening? Man; WWE sucks if Disney can DO this...) and Conrad panics and cries for help because the mad dog is threatening him. Umm; the real Mad Dog is a whiny ferret who saw a picture of a school once; not this actor. And doesn't this prove that Conrad and Red-Haired Director are in on the scheme to get rid of Flash from the start? Red Haired Director gets on the mic and orders his crew to MURDER that dog more or less and get on standby since apparently Flash is attacking his co-star. Oh man; how dumb are these people since Flash is clearly pleading for Conrad to HELP him?! I guess this proves my point about the scheme after all which will probably not be explored by the writers. Figures; knowing them. The crew runs in to stop this outrage and Flash bails stage left as chaos and mayhem ensues. Flash runs out and we logically head to....
...the set of Looking at Cooking as we see a Swedish Chef (check the Dumptruck accent) who looks like a human version of that same Muppet (minus the scary looking eyes) preparing ze souffle. Man; I'm glad James Barber and Martha Stewart put these stereotypes to bed (even though Martha didn't help herself with the insider trading incident a while back); because it looks extremely jarring now. Oh; and James Barber also would tell this Swedish chef that a souffle is much easier than what he is saying as the angry shouting distracts him enough as Flash jumps onto the counter and slides safe away while causing enough mess that the eggs and batter all land on top of the chef. HAHA! Good for him; about time someone showed that Swedish Chef to lighten up a bit. The angry mob does less damage as the pans all get knocked down. I see Tad hates cooking shows too. (BOO HISS!) So we head inside the next studio as a professor (who looks like that a cross between Netwon Gimmick from Teddy Ruxpin and the professor from Back to The Future) talking to a boy wearing green chaps and blue jeans with red hair. Is there some Back to The Future rib I'm not getting here as the professor is talking to Jeff about how pulleys and levers (WRONG LEVERS!) work. And then Jeff scares the crap out of me by asking about how plastic explosive works using household detergents. OH MAN! If Toon Disney doesn't cut this out; I will be SHOCKED AND APPALLED. Jeff has his hand on the pull rope and pulls it down; but nothing happens as Flash bowls over the professor and the angry mob follows missing the kid completely which leads to the cow stampede spot as the whole set is destroyed and the kid gets slammed dunked and the professor gets looped. Man; that was one hilariously contrived spot there TMS. So Flash then foolishly goes into the film editing room; and that is the ultimate dead end of I ever saw one. Flash knocks over the film and the reels of film completely bowl over the angry crew as we get film reels flying around as they tease that Flash has been locked up for good.....
…..and then we pan down to see Flash has locked up the angry crew inside the film editing room! HAHA! Dog outsmarts angry man! AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Flash is scared stiff and his panting acting is just awesome as Rob is just having the time of his life doing this episode. We then cut to outside Conrad the Wonderbird's studio doors as Mr. Fat has his heels put on the Flash costume again with the mask on as he has a plan to seal Flash's fate forever. I think Flash's fate is already sealed Mr. Fat; now you're merely over killing it. So we cut back to Flash who wants to hide (pointless since the angry mob is already locked up from the inside; but the thought is there.) and he tries to climb a ladder up to the catwalk; but the blur of doom upside rears it's ugly head again. Flash shakes it off as the angry mob has freed itself and Flash is forced to climb up the ladder into the catwalk. The mob misses him as Chip and Dale notice that Flash has run up to the cat walk causing even Dale to question Flash's fear of heights. Well; when you are in fear of getting killed by the mob; sometimes it overcomes the mere fear of heights. So we go back to the set where Conrad is getting a fake fist from the Doctor Sanders lookalike who proclaims that Conrad is safe with him. Somehow; I'm not buying that assurance from him. Just one of those things; I will spare the gory details about. I don't think even Conrad is certain as he nearly gets knocked off his perch as we pan to the south west as Mr. Fat Flash The Wonder Fat Cat sneaks in from the western side as Conrad gets settled and then gets snatched by Mr. Fat. Well; at least Conrad is an adult male (I think) so it's perfectly all right for him to do that even though it doesn't give him any more heel heat than if he did it to a female.
So we cut back to a shot of the door (where the actors see it) as Red-Haired Director and his angry crew goons enter the room and the announcer tells them to fall back because Flash has Conrad even though it is clearly Mr. Fat in disguise. And if you cannot guess the ending to all this you have no business reading this rant. If only Mr. Fat would have just left this one alone; he would have won..easily... This is what happens when you want to make people fear you in the guise of respect. See Mr. Hardcore. The Rangers see right through the disguise right away as Monty makes me proud as he blows those stupid humans off while swearing in DUBBED AUSSIE STYLE (bloomin). I love real comments that aren't supposed to be real comments. Gadget however proclaims that they cannot prove Flash's innocence unless the cameras are turned on which only serves to show evidence of Red-Haired Director wanting to get rid of Flash in the first place. Gadget tells Monty to control the camera while Zipper and herself fiddle in the control room. So we go back to Flash crawling across the catwalk still whining about his fear of heights. He then hears the crew panicking as no one wants to save Conrad because Mr. Fat Flash The Wonder Fat Cat is holding Conrad hostage. I was hoping for BS&P to be somewhat allowing in Mr. Fat at the very least trying to hurt Conrad; but he's merely shutting his mouth which makes Conrad look like a bigger coward than Flash.
Kit would have done the Fat Cat Stomp on Mr. Fat's feet by now. Flash gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY as we pan over to a shot behind the camera as Monty uses his fat ass to move the camera into position. Gadget has a knob as she tells Zipper to get ready to push the red button on her signal and Zipper salutes her. So we cut back to the catwalk as Chip and Dale climb onto Flash's back and Dale remembers to slide off his nose just to be Dale. Dale orders Flash to save Conrad and Flash doesn't think twice. Good; we don't need a five minute speech since we have only about two minutes left tops so Flash does the howling Ride of the Valkyrie as Mr. Fat Flash The Wonder Fat Cat hates that howl and his hope chest is starting to fade. Flash swings like Tarzan better than Monty as Gadget calls for the signal and Zippers take a sick MAN-SIZED bump into the red button. Now that's dedication to your craft there! Flash bumps into Mr. Fat and they slide into the back of the set as Flash is defending his friend for real. He pulls off the mask and it's Mr. Fat DUH! The stupid humans finally get the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY and Flash's reputation is saved! Predictable; but the right booking decision anyway you slice it.
Conrad and Flash wink at each other and then Mr. Fat steals Conrad. Well; he's going to make this ending work kicking and screaming. I like that out of a monster heel as Mr. Fat runs stage right and the heels arrive. I call logic break #3 for the episode if only because Monty was supposed to be there anyway. I can get the heels being in the studio; but near the same camera where Monty was? The heels pop out and they hold Flash back as Mr. Fat tells Flash to lay off or Conrad get plucked and MURDERED so to speak. So we cut to Chip and Dale at the hose as Dale is told to aim the device which is just trouble with Dale and Chip turns the wheel and of course Dale has ZERO control and does the hose riding spot. Dale regains control and has fun as the water blasts everything; but misses the heels except for Mr. Fat as he gets it in the kisser. Wow. Talk about losing your heel heat in dramatic fashion there Mr. Fat. Conrad is free as the heels get blasted and they are blasted out of the studio door in comic fashion and right out of the episode. Damn! I wanted Flash to be the one to save Conrad; not Dale.
Chip tells Dale that it is time to go; and Dale wants to ride; but the water stops flowing and he gets dumped with a MAN-SIZED bump on the floor off-screen. Dale does some decent rolls before he and Chip bail off-screen as we pan up to Flash and Conrad having a bonding moment which is ruined by Red-Haired Director who is trying to weasel his way to having Flash forgive him for being such a jackass. Flash forgives them as the crew cheers him because Flash needs his television show and thus isn't a nepotist. And so the show goes on as we head to the studio door as the Rangers all walk out and Chip proclaims Flash as a true hero for standing up to Mr. Fat. Well; he does deserve a lot of praise for stepping in and exposing Mr. Fat as the fraud that he is, but I would have like to see him bite Mr. Fat on the ass and drive him out like Plato did to Klordane in the pilot. Otherwise; he merely looks like a sidekick character for the Rangers to mop up afterward. The Rangers try to leave; but Flash shows up and splashes water all over them because he wants to thank them again for helping him look like a hero.
Wow; I love this dog. So modest even if he underestimates his abilities to a certain extent. Gadget tells him that he did a good job of being a hero on his own and I agree with her for the most part as Flash licks the Rangers and it tickles even though Gadget and Monty don't even come close to that tongue of his. Wow; that's the first time I've seen the power of suggestion extend to tickling spots. Chip pulls out the Rescue Ranger Logo sticker and puts it on Flash's chest as Flash is a Rescue Ranger for real. Flash is honored for the honor (as he should be) as he hugs them and wants to return the favor. Gadget proclaims that he already did as his hug unintentionally branded their asses as Wonderdogs. Wow the voice actors are doing some really wonderful acting here. Chip and Dale do a really laughable version of the Ride of The Valkyrie howl and giggle as we get the circle fade out to end the episode at 21:11. Minus the predictable finish and the usual “make everyone dumb to make it look convincing” spot; this episode was AWESOME. Poor Mr. Fat Cat! He could have won if he simply left Conrad alone. Ah; the sign of a Mr. Hardcore heel. He's thirst is never quenched. Go figure. **** (80%).
THE REVIEW LINE
Well; Flash easily MURDERS Bolt as I expected it to be; although Bolt wasn't really that great of a movie to begin with so it was too easy for Flash. Bullethead Baloo had a much harder time due to the time and the promotion behind it; and that one got over because TaleSpin had such awesome direction anyway. This one got over merely by sheer force of will in comparison. Let's just say that I love Flash in this one. Despite being a coward; he was an honest coward. He made no bones that he wasn't a real hero and that he only played one on television. He also had some respect for his talent which proved that he was able to keep his ego in check even if he couldn't keep his fear of heights in check. Of course this episode was far from flawless as a few logic breaks and a few animation mistakes marred the experience a little bit. Again; the whole Mr. Fat and heels dress up as Flash didn't work for obvious reasons; but at least the heels made a considerable effort to be convincing and I think Mepps (who didn't do the spot ironically enough) would have been perfect.
And of course; the human bought it hook, line and sinker anyway. It annoys me; but it's a lot less offensive than Double Darkwings was. And of course the finish was predictable because Mr. Fat just couldn't help himself but to lay in more shots despite the fact that Flash's reputation was completely ruined (thanks in no small part due to Flash) by the time he attacked Conrad and had he left him alone; he would have won easily. It made for good character development in making Mr. Fat look like a heel who is insane and a stalker; but it made him lose heat as a heel since he looked kind of stupid in the process. Everyone else was basically like they were supposed to be and Monty was pretty much limited to only one stupid spot which at least made sense in psychology. However; I did like the effort in the acting here; more so when Flash was in mortal fear of dying before my very eyes. So; overall, this was a really good episode, but I think Fat Cat needs to see a doctor to get the hardcore sucked out of him before going into another episode. So.....
Thumbs up for this episode and I'll see you next time.