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Throw Mummy From The Train
This episode however is just plain silly!
My legs and back are so shot now which is terrible for my future in the workplace; but it is good for the fact that I can now finish the remaining six episodes of the third disc of this volume. Since I made a vow to rant on The Case of the Cola Cult on Saturday; that is when I will rant on it. So; you will see four episode rants before that big one; starting with this episode. I have never really seen this episode; but I do know that a mummy is involved in it. Can it get any sillier? Let's rant on and find out shall we...?!
This episode is written by Julia Jane Roberts and Dev Ross. The story was edited by Bryce Malek and supervised by Tad Stones. The animation is done by Wang Films/Cuckoo's Nest Studios .
Annoying Moment #1: And we return to the first version of the opening sequence again.
We begin this one in Egypt (DUH!) in the morning near the pyramids as a bunch of researchers in Guy Ladouce outfits are researching stuff. We pan over left and then enter the main pyramid as it suddenly grows dark and spooky. Well; green/blue tint cartoon spooky anyway. The flashlight is on as we cut to the mature lighting on the left pan shot as a white bearded old man in the Ladouce outfit has his pickax ready and gasps in horror over nothing of note. He then enters inside the main tomb as he sees a golden throne room with a golden cane staff, and a sphinx statue on the left. I do not know about the symbolism of the bird on the throne seat; so don't ask me as the researcher proclaims that they found the tomb of King Nut-Ahn-Kahmen. Wow. I never thought Akthemen from Valkyrie Profile was a pun of this episode; but here it is. There is a mystic cross in the engraving on the walls as we cut over to a corner where a goofy glasses guy with a brown beard and mustache is loving this because there is treasure in this place. And he is a midget as he runs in and steals the king's ring. Now there is a sign of a greasy heel right there; stealing the easiest thing he could find as the ring has a green gem on it I should note. I see Wang Films needs help from Sun Woo in making things sparkle as we cut over to the mummy case and it opens and out comes a real mummy; DUH!
The old man yells at Wexler (who used to work for Disney's TaleSpin at one time and might have worked on this episode as Ed Wexler) as Wexler gets a wussy shot off of the flashlight which allows the Guy Ladouce hat to screw Wexler's eyesight. Funny hypocrisy from Disney Captions: The old man clearly says: Oh ye gads! And yet Captions has it as Oh; ye gods! He takes god in vain according to captions and yet captions changed Kit's oh my god to oh my gosh?! Methinks someone screwed with the pooch there guys. The old man blows Wexler off as he checks the green ring and it is the key to the sphinx of the Inka-Dinka-Do. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you thought 4Kids puns were terrible? According to the translation (although there is nothing to translate here) if you place the ring inside the head of the sphinx; it will release the diamonds as the thinest mummy in history practices the fine art of not being seen..and Wexler practices the fine art of being a jerk as the old man prevents him from leaving to buy train tickets. See they have to catalog everything in the pyramid before going to Inka-Dinka-Do as the old man have placed the ring into the head of the sphinx statue. The old man gives Wexler the red bookand tells him that it will take 10-12 years if he writes fast. I think he's lying so the old man can get the treasure himself. Wexler is not amused at this...
So we head outside to the entrance to the pyramid AFTER HAPPY HOUR (Read: After Dark) as Wexler sneaks into the pyramid and practices the fine art of not being seen by anyone. Wexler blows off the old man because he wants the jewels and be rich see as he grabs the green ring from the head of the sphinx's statue and then makes the fatal error of running for the diamond and thus has a meaning of the crotch (it's a midget; what did you expect?) with his face. You can guess what happens next as Wexler back off and the mummy stalks his next victim. Seriously; the growling and screaming from Wexler are so lame even Rebecca Cunningham would hang her head in shame over this extremely awful screaming. Wexler then backs up to the wall and suddenly; the mummy's fitness is even worse than mine when my body is completely out of alignment. You just knew that would happen as Wexler runs underneath his legs complete with Hanna Barbera looping and running sound effect and then blows him off at the entrance of the pyramid just to annoy me. I think that mummy did catch a cold since his groans sound like he has one. Irony is such a fickle muse.
Wexler runs away like a little girl to Sphinxville (population: Who cares?) as the mummy moans like a dejected little girl with a cold. So we cut to morning in front of a train station as we pan over to the town square in Egypt as Wexler has the train ticket as he declares victory because he's going to Inka-Dinka-Do and getting more blood diamonds than the average mining war in Ivory Coast. Yeah; that was tasteless and pointless all in one neat little package; but I needed to find some bad pun to go with this sucky character on short notice. So we cut to a tree as the Rangers are packing a camel after nearly four minutes without them. Gadget thanks Sandy for swatting their bug problem (I guess Sandy is the camel) as Monty gets off the first too right of the episode nearly four minutes in. Apparently; Monty was MURDERING Bedouin Beetlebugs from Sandy's caravan. Personally; that sounds more plausible than he usual BS stories. Monty and Zipper take the bag and drop it down as the other Rangers scatter and Dale gets clobbered. HAHA! Dale blows Monty off because he has valuable stuff. Chip of course walks in and blows Dale off because it's all junk see. Eye of the Beholder Chip; Eye of the Beholder....Gadget then gets on Dale's case for buying too many souvenirs (and really; who doesn't?) as Dale climbs onto some clay jugs and tries to grab the BEADS OF DOOM; but slips into the clay jug upside down with a wussy bump. Sigh.
Dale calls these swell nut jars as the Rangers arrive. Monty then knocks on the clay jar and proclaims that Dale has gone to pot. Oh that cooky Aussie Stereotype; claiming Dale has been smoking dope. Somehow; I'm not surprised by that revelation. Gadget blows off Dale's love for collecting and then they panic and scatter because here comes Wexler as he uncorks his green ring and looks through it to see Doctor Crockery (Now there's a creationist name for PZ Meyers to steal.) and then throws the ring into the clay jug with Dale in it. Corckery storms in and demands answers to this outrage. Man; you are hosed as a heel if you blow your cover like that so early eh?! Wexler stammers like Honker after Tank bullies him as Crockery was blowing him off for being 20 minutes late after lunch. Wexler is relieved (sort of) as Monty uses the rope and lowers it down inside the jug with Dale in it and Dale climbs out with the ring. Wexler wants to buy some water jugs for the doctor and Crockery agrees it's a good idea.
Wexler takes the water jug that had Dale in it and shakes it which produces nothing....AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING! So Wexler intentionally smashes the water jug and then denies that he did it on purpose. Then he steals the rest of them and walks stage right; in which another jug unintentionally drops and smashes on the ground. Man; that sand is HARD today even by Wang Films' standards. Crockery keeps yelling at him as Wexler nearly blows him cover; but recoils and leaves another water jug biting his dust. We then cut to the Rangers as Dale climbs down and shows them the green ring looking giddy allowing Chip to blow him off. What? No bonk on the head? Is that goofy hat Dale's wearing truly sacred?! And then logic break #1 for the episode beckons as the ring magically disappears as C&D argument #1560 ensues and then that leads to Chipmunkmania 1989 with the goofiest FCC FRIENDLY DUSTCLOUD OF DEATH~! Dale gets ringed around the Rosie (so sezs the Aussie Stereotype) when the dust clears and both Monty and Zipper try to un-pop the ring from Dale's body. Chip is PISSED because they have a train to catch; but Gadget has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN in mind....
So we logically go to the far shot near an alleyway as Gadget has attached Dale to a rope on ground level as she explains how the device of throwing a brick down attached to the rope will dislodge the ring from Dale's body. As sick as it sounds as we cut to the felt rooftop and Monty blows Gadget's plan off remembering to use scare quotes under should just to rub it in. Oh sod off you Aussie Stereotype! Seriously Chip; is the hat Monty's wearing too sacred for you NOT to bonk Monty on the head. Sadly for me; Gadget orders the brick lowered and after some chaos and a felt roof is destroyed; the ring is still around Dale's body. That's the most violence version of Ring Around The Rosie I have ever seen in a long time. I just hope Madworld creators are not taking notes here. Gadget proclaims that she'll reverse the thing..or not. Hey! She's starting to relate to me now as she finally gets off the first golly of the episode nearly seven minutes in. We cut to a far shot of the village as the mummy is now chasing a bunch of humans. I think it's safe to say the train is not leaving town at this point.
Monty swears in DUBBED AUSSIE STYLE (Crikey!) as the mummy stalks in and sees the ring attached to Dale's body and it is sparkling much better now as Dale isn't liking this. The Rangers scatter like scalded dogs as the mummy grabs Dale from the roof. That's three HB spots for this episode alone by the way as the mummy carries Dale away as the Rangers protest this outrage. Monty grabs a plank with a hole in it and wants to knock him back to zombie land. Yeah; he has a Swiss cheese wooden board; like I'm going to take him seriously?! He then shows how much of a pussy the mummy is by smashing the board on his foot and it sounds like a brick was in there because he screams...badly....and drops Dale. The Rangers run away stage left as the mummy pleads for mercy because he needs the ring. He needs to see a doctor after that shot: The doctor of logicality. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! His foot grabbing spot is lame as he takes a wussy bump into the baskets to the right as the Rangers pop out just time for Gadget to get off golly #2 for the episode nearly eight minutes in. Gadget then accuses Monty of hurting him and he is taken aback by this because he is DEAD see (death reference #1 for the episode. I would LOVE to see 4Kids try to change THAT into something absurd.). Gadget walks in and bonks on the other foot which causes him to groan. Geez; this mummy is wussy. AHHAHAHAHAHA!
The mummy addresses himself as Hiram which is an all right name I guess. The Rangers and Hiram exchange notes on the situation. See Hiram is the guardian of the tomb and he guards the ring and needs it to rest see. Hiram gets off some really lame jokes about his job and of course they buried him alive which shows just how awesome The Undertaker really is. Gadget proclaims that she needs more time to get the ring off; and Chip just wants to go to the tomb as Dale continues to try to get the ring off; but no dice. So we get the scene changer as we return to the pyramid AFTER HAPPY HOUR as Dale is now tied against a spear that Hiram is holding. Okay; this could be fun as we cut to Gadget writing down stuff as Monty relates a BS story solution that didn't work. It's nice to know when Monty admits that his attempts of getting over were BS. Geez; I wonder why the hot coals and ox fat trick didn't work?! Gadget blows him off for not being scientific. And that's the truth, BRUTHA! Gadget's plan is to have the spear hit the gong which should loosen the ring and pop it off Dale's body. Monty naturally blows it off because she used the word should. Well; Monty is 1 for 1 in that department; but I still hate him anyway; so sod off you Aussie Stereotype!
So we head inside the pyramid entrance as Sandy the camel (I think) and Wexler arrive inside as Wexler continues to blow off Crockery for being such a pointy-headed smart guy. We then cut to Hiram throws the spear into the gong and then it deflects off the gong and sticks into a wall missing Wexler by about six inches. Geez; Wexler hasn't even started TaleSpin yet. Give him a break Eisner! Monty is 2 for 2 today in pissing me off as the ring is still on Dale's body. Somehow; I don't buy this logic since Dale looks too small to have a ring attached to his body on some shots. Wexler gets giddy as Dale slowly wakes up and Hiram invokes the POINTY FINGER OF DEATH; accusing him of stealing the ring in the first place. NO?! REALLY?! Wexler grabs the spear and twirls it proclaiming that he won't lose this again. If he means his sex life then he's way too late. I don't think Hoppo's available for comment. AHHAHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm... Then we get a really sad moment as Wexler runs in and whacks the mummy so hard that he falls picture perfect into the conveniently placed mummy case and Wexler shuts the lid door. Oh that wasn't contrived in the very least, no siree! Wexler runs out of the pyramid like a little girl towards the jeep and places Dale on top of the jeep tank. Dale gulps as Wexler knows a way to get the ring off and he invokes a sword as that ends the segment nearly ten minutes in. I skipped Cola Cult for THIS?!
After the commercial break; we see Wexler on the far shot wanting to MURDER Dale with the sword; but Crockey appears OUT OF NOWHERE and starts yelling at him again. Wexler stammers claiming that he was trying to make a snack as Crockey steals the sword from him. Wexler is smart enough to hide the ring and Dale behind his back as Crockey continues to blow him off for his poor treatment of a priceless ceremonial dagger. Like...I....care....?! Dale squirms out of Wexler's hands and drops into a bucket of soapy water; which in turn...ummm...encases Dale into a bubble. I can just hear Ammonia Pine laughing in the background right now. Crockey blows Wexler off and then walks away stage left; allowing Wexler to do a really lame raspberry in the process when his back is turned. You wish you were Molly Cunningham and Kit Cloudkicker there pally as Dale floats down and Wexler turns around. D'OH! Wexler pops the bubble with his finger and Dale is dropped good.
So we cut back to the mummy case as the Rangers and Hiram struggle to get free. Now you know how Kit felt in Waiders of the Wost Tweasure as the mummy case falls down and breaks which pops the lid and the mummy is free to suck the meat missile with gusto. If it had one in the first place. The Rangers pop up and bail out of the pyramid as Wexler is using the soap bucket to wash Dale good and Dale pops up and bails. I was tempted to call logic break #2 for the episode on the second disappearing ring trick; but since Dale notices that it's off his body, it's not. Somehow; that is much WORSE than the logic break. Wexler has the ring and kisses it (EWWW!) as he walks with a soap bucket on his left foot (EWWW!); but climbs into the jeep without it and declares that he'll still make the midnight train to Inka-Dinka-Do. The jeep drives away and nearly MURDERS the Rangers and Hiram in the process. Dale protests this outrage (YAY!) as Gadget proclaims that the ring is the key to the pharaoh's diamonds. NO?! REALLY?! Hiram then proclaims that the translation is wrong because it's the key to the demon. So; the pharaoh is a KISS fan?! Even Dale is confused over all this as Hiram declares that if the sphinx awakens with no pharaoh to control it; we are all DOOMED...DOOMED I SAY! I think KISS is already doomed; but don't quote me on that please...
So we cut to the morning on the far shot of the train track as Dale points out the obvious. Gadget gets off golly #3 for the episode 11 and a half minutes in after four minutes of golly free action. Man; you must really hate yourself Mr. Weagle since Monty's shortcut actually worked. No really; I'm as shocked as you are. We pan over to a hill with the Rangers and Hiram riding on Sandy the camel as Monty gets off too right #2 for the episode after about ten minutes of Aussie sucking action. The train whistle blows as the camel runs like the wind towards the train. Sandy gets close to the train on the right side and Hiram steadies himself after some pussy suspense from him and manages to get on the train without further incident. Well; that was rather pointless as Chip tells Sandy to see them at the Sphinx and Sandy only moans. Monty sounds like Jim Cummings today as Dale and Chip are on the railing. Dale wants to go inside to get the ring back; but Chip stops him because they cannot go inside the train with a mummy and will have to disguise him. Jeepers Creepers man as we cut to inside the train hallway and see the mummy dressed up in pink robes and a pink napkin over his face. Hiram looks like a gay version of Burl Ruxpin for the 15 of you who will hate me for using that reference.
The train guard dressed in blue with a black mustache (Haven't I seen him before in the Disney shorts or something?) and tips his hat to the gay Hiram before walking past him. Hiram opens the first door he sees (by Chip's command) and there is nothing but regular passengers and a lot of chickens ala Legend of Zelda style. HEE HEE! Hiram closes the door and tries the second one next to it on the left. Hiram opens it and closes it again proclaiming that Wexler is in there. Until I see him in there; you're not fooling anyone Hiram. You know how much Rebecca hates it when crank calling rubs off on the wrong people (Baloo, Kit, Molly etc.) as the Rangers pop inside Hiram and slide down one of his bandages to the floor. The Rangers open the door slightly ajar and we head inside to see Wexler sleeping on a red sofa with the green ring on his finger which is the worst place he could put it on. He snores as Hiram comes in and sits down next to a Middle Eastern man (check the cultural stereotypical clothes there man) as the Rangers pop from his legs again. Weren't they already outside the robe? Logic break #2 for the episode (albeit a minor one) as the Middle Eastern man gets so giddy that he giggles at the sight of a female with bandages on. Man; this guy has an ugly fetish that I do not need to know at all. Middle Eastern guy gets up and offers Hiram his hand in having suppertime and manages to force Hiram out of the train room. Monty then gets off too right #3 for the episode at the 13 minute mark. So now we have a tie between the golly's and the too rights in the world. Which means about six times the amount of suck depending on your point of view.
So Chip decides that this is a good idea since they can get the ring from Wexler now. Monty swears in DUBBED AUSSIE STYLE (bloke) since Hiram never had a bite to eat in 2000 years. Considering that he's DEAD and that Monty proclaimed that he's DEAD; color me unimpressed. Gadget proclaims that it is up to them now as she uses the paperclip grappling hook gun of doom and the gang climbs up and onto Wexler. Monty tries to get the ring off his finger; but no dice as Wexler starts coughing and the Rangers bail. Except for Monty; who get caught under the HAND OF FATE. Zipper counters by squeaking a lullaby into Wexler's ear for his ten seconds of work in this episode. Man; his squeaking lullaby's is terrible and it shows that Wexler can be put to sleep by ANYTHING at this point. Zipper breathes a sigh of relief (HA!) as the Rangers run back in with the patter of little feet and try to lift Wexler's hand; but no dice. Wexler got some strong hands out there as there is a knocking on the door as Hiram has barricaded the door behind him with his body. Man; that Middle Eastern guy is a bigger pussy than HIRAM is as that is enough to wake Wexler up. The Rangers bail as the Middle Eastern guy wants Hiram to take him to the Kasbah. Oh; that is so stereotypical that you know it's the old 1990's Disney Michael Eisner era. Not that the new Disney is any less racist.
Hiram blows his cover because the guy confused mummy with mommy. Somehow; I going to need the later after this episode is over as Wexler gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLAIRTY. Hiram stalks Wexler; but Wexler uses the under the legs trick and runs over the Middle Eastern guy with the door and then rubs the door into his face. Ahem...THAT'S RACIST! The Rangers and Hiram show slightly more respect to him as we go into the thrilling SCOOBY DOO CHASE SEQUENCE THE MIDGET EDITION~! Gadget orders Zipper to pull the emergency cord and Zipper sells as he flies up to the top of the wall and pulls the emergency brake which stops the train on a dime; DUH! Wexler doesn't look where he's going and takes a MAN-SIZED bump into the wall with his head which dislodges the ring. Finally a really good spot in this episode at just over 14 and a half minutes in. The ring rolls to the middle of the hallway and the Rangers all dive in to get it. And since Dale is on bottom; Dale gets the ring stuck on his body...for about three seconds as Monty easily pulls it out for logic break #3 for the episode. Yeap; this episode is getting sillier as we go along. Good bump by Dale though.
Hiram proclaims that his job is saved because they have the ring now as he grabs the Rangers and talks about his lame job promos again which Wexler blows off as he throws the GUY LADOUCE HAT OF DOOM and it nails Hiram with a sick MAN-SIZED bump into the window which shatters it and they go flying out of the train. The ring falls down onto the floor...Wait a second?! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! A FREAKIN HAT FLINGS A SIX FOOT TALL MUMMY OUT OF THE TRAIN WITH EASE?! What the hell was Julia Jane Lewald smoking?! Or is this Larson and Gary making steroids out of hats now?! We see the results as the Rangers are out cold and Hiram's head is stuck in the head. I think that is so symbolic of the writer when she hears critics like me point out the obvious stupidity in episode. If the hat flinger was Goku; or the hat was made of metal; that spot would make perfect sense. Wexler mocks them as he has the ring again calling them suckers because he is going to get the diamonds. If only...after that bad logic. Hiram pops his head from the sand proclaiming that the demon is going to claim his soul more or less as the segment ends 15 and a half minutes in. Oh lord....why did I decide to skip the Gadget awesomeness for this crap?!
After the commercial break; we head to further in the dessert as we pan over to more pyramids and to a far shot of the sphinx as we see a red bus and two pump tents. A female guide is showing a bunch of tourists about the legend of the great pharaoh Nut-Ahn-Kahmen. Well; at least the female guide is dressed like a normal human being and not a stereotype if you discount the poorly drawn golden hair piece that she is wearing. She then walks the tourists towards the pump tents because she wants them to have a photo op as Wexler pops from behind the sphinx and then we have logic break #4 for the episode since he NEVER had the sphinx statue WITH HIM during the escape. For goodness sakes guys; HIRE A CONTINUITY MAN! And the animation looks like a good man's version of 101 Dalimations The Animated Series. As in thick, black outlines. He pulls the ring from the statue's forehead and wants to get close to the sphinx's forehead; but he'll need some rope first.
So we pan over to the gift shop as we cut to ground level below a tablecloth as the Rangers are hiding underneath it. Dale is on top of the table as he is distracted by the awesome power of useless junk and Chip is pissed off so he slaps Dale about five times with some of the lamest slaps this side of Dexter. Dale protests this outrage just to be Dale as Chip does the Gruffi pose to annoy me. C&D argument #1561 ensues which ends in obscene chipmunk chatter. Man; this is the only entertainment I am ever getting from this episode as Monty of course ruins it by stepping in to stop it using the power of the “Say No Evil” promo. Oh come on you Aussie Stereotype! We have four minutes left at least; so let them argue for that length of time and maybe this episode can be saved. Gadget proclaims that they got to hurry. Hurry for what? Hurry for you to get the hell out of the episode? Okay; that's a good excuse.
And so we cut to the front of the sphinx as Wexler lowers himself with the pulley rope as we see the red bus in the background leave the area. Wexler tries to put in the ring in the slot on the forehead; but he misses and does a whirlwind spot just to annoy me further. Great; just what this episode needs: More Butterbear spots. We pan up to Chip and Dale on a plank with a rope attached to the plank. Now; logic and common sense dictate that you chew through the rope and that will bring Wexler down to the ground. However; BS&P RULEZ so I doubt that will happen. And I'm right as Chip and Dale climb down and get into Wexler's shirt and and of course Wexler is being tickled with the animals through your shirt spot. I'm sorry; but Molly Cunningham is much cooler than you Wexler on this spot. Evidence #1: Molly does the goofiest face in history before laughing her butt off. Evidence #2: Molly giggles using a legit voice better than the cartoon voice trying to sell the acting job of getting tickled. Sadly; it fails as Wexler swings towards the forehead and inserts the ring on the rebound. See; I just knew that would happen because we just HAVE to have the sphinx come alive in this episode somehow.
Hiram cannot bare to watch (I don't blame him) as the Sphinx does the flashlight on the eyes and comes alive with red glazed eyes and it growls. Okay; that was just there to suck so to speak. Wexler struggles as the sphinx flings the two chipmunks plus one midget (on SO MANY LEVELS!) into the air (snapping the plank of wood) and where they land I don't really care. Oh; and the skies suddenly go dark for no reason whatsoever. They land with a wussy bump into the pump tent and something tells me that red bus leaving was a BS&P decision. Oh; and the pump tent has turned from white to gold in case no one noticed. Everyone panics as the SPHINX OF DOOM rises from it's perch and then demands answers. I have a better question: Who dares make this sucky episode on a Disney show? Now there's a point to consider as Wexler gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLARITY as the sphinx stalks it's prey...and in an ironic twist; when he stalks Wexler; you can see a room filled with diamonds sparkling on the far shot. Yeah; that screws my mind to infinity as the Rangers bail and the Sphinx grabs Wexler. I wish he would grab and crush Monty; but even MONTY isn't sucking in this episode so I cannot even use him as a mock.
And then we hear a whistle as we pan over to the second pump tent which has changed from white to yellow, green and red color scheme. Oh please; tell me this is a bad rib and this episode is a Ruby-Spears episode? Please tell me this isn't a DTVA episode? To make matters worse; it's Monty dressed up as a pharaoh; allowing us the sheer pain and suffering to see his pot belly naked. I think we are on track for our first DUD episode in DTVA right there. Monty proclaims himself as the pharaoh of Inka-Dinka-Do. Why not have DALE be the pharaoh because he has to redeem himself in this episode? Oh wait; I know...because they are trying to get Monty over silly. After countless episodes of failing to do JUST THAT. Wexler gets thrown away and he takes a wussy bump into the sand and his hat manages to bury him in a partial sand tomb. Okay; that spot was pretty hilarious as he gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY CLARITY and sees the room filled with diamonds. Wexler runs in as the Sphinx and Pharaoh Monty exchange pleasures on the pump tent. Wexler sits down in the diamond pile and proclaims that he is rich..and he blows his cover by blowing off the ruby inside. What an idiot of epic stupidity as the Sphinx clearly hears it and starts stalking Wexler. Wexler panics and then dives into the pool of diamonds like a poor man's Scrooge McDuck. Somehow; I want to rant on Ducktales now instead of after July when I plan to do the rants for that series. Anything to get away from this episode. Why didn't I just rant on Case of the Cola Cult and enjoy the surrealness of it all?
The Sphinx grabs the diamonds from the pool as we cut back to the red bus and we see Chip and Hiram in it. WHAT THE HELL?! I thought the red bus was out of the picture in this episode? Logic break #5 for the episode and that's a Chuck Tately one if I ever saw one. And we still got three minutes left in the episode?! The Rangers tell him to step on the pedals and he steps on the brake causing the Rangers to splat like a freaking bug on my windshield (God bless Kenny Blankenship!). Cute; but utterly pointless and breaking of logic. Well; now you can finally count Gadget on the list of characters who are auditioning for Darkwing Duck..and Gadget's the saddest case of them all as we cut back to the Sphinx grabbing diamonds as the red bus drives in and the Sphinx rises his body up to make a bridge for the red bus to go right through without incident. Well; it's an improvement from the Mister T episodes; I'll give them that much. So the red bus drives up the pyramid (How does THAT work?!) and then goes backwards after missing the top. The red bus drives back through the sphinx without incident and then the sphinx goes after them as Hiram drives the bus backwards which is symbolic of this entire episode thus far.
Monty pulls the inflatable tire while Gadget goes in with some rope and declares that this plan should work. Well; since we have only two minutes left in the episode; I suggest Monty's going to be 1 for 3 in making Gadget look weak. The chipmunks want him to stop and go forward. I want him just to die so this episode will be over as Gadget ties the rope to the steel pole of the red bus and the other rope end to the tire and then the tire gets slingshot around the sphinx's legs which hogties him to stop. I called the spot about thirty seconds before it happened. The sphinx tumbles in wussy fashion onto the sand as Hiram proclaims that the bonds will not hold him for long and they got to get the ring from his forehead. Hiram goes close to it as Chip has a plan and he tugs on his bandages to make Hiram get the point. So Hiram allows Chip and Dale to get onto his bandage and then he throws them into a slingshot and they land on the sphinx's nose. Chip then orders Dale to distract the sphinx while Chip gets the ring because we cannot allow Dale to redeem himself since it would get him too over right?!
Chip bails stage left as Dale gulps on that response as he drops on his ass right on the nostrils. So he then invokes the most devastating move in all of DTVA; the COOCHIE-COOCHIE-COO OF DEATH~! That makes three times in this series alone. Sphinx does the over dramatic sneeze spot as Chip is struggling to get the ring out of the forehead; but the sneeze of suggestion manages to pop the ring out of his forehead as the sphinx sneezes the chipmunks off of him. Oy vey for logic break #6 for the episode as we get the RED LIGHT OF SIEZURES and Hiram grabs them on the rebound as we cut to see the sphinx is now just a building. And it suddenly turns clear just to annoy me even more as Hiram cheers for victory. Dale feels bad about giving the ring to Hiram; but Wexler steals the ring anyway. Wexler jumps down and blows them off because he has a diamond left and then tries to get away; but takes a wussy bump off-screen (DAMMIT!) into Doctor Crockery and he is upside down as Crockery calls him a disgrace to the profession. You don't know the half of it dude. The middle eastern police officers are with him and they are dressed rather respectfully as Crockery shakes Wexler upside down and apparently; Wexler stole about a half dozen diamonds on the way.
Wexler is dropped and arrested for stealing DUH! Wexler acts like a tough ass; but Crockery gives him the most cruel punishment known to man: Cataloging items in his own jail cell as we cut to the police truck as the officers take a struggling and pleading for mercy Wexler. Like I care about him anyway. Hiram and the Ranger watch on as Wexler yells for help badly from the jail cell portion of the truck as it speeds away and will never be seen again. At least I hope it is the case as we cut back to Hiram and the Rangers thanking each other for a job not well done at all. Monty wonders where Dale is and Chip is blowing him off for hunting for more stuff as we cut to the gift shop table as Dale climbs onto the table and tries to lift the clay sphinx from the table; but they both fall down and the sphinx's head gets shattered and Dale's head takes its place in a pretty cute spot. Dale smiles as we circle fade out to mercifully end the episode at 21:15. What a load of horse crap this episode was?! Even Dale in his over state couldn't save crappy writing and bad animation from Wang Films. Terrible characters made it worse. Again; I skipped The Case of The Cola Cult for THIS?! ½ * (10%).
THE REVIEW LINE
What a painful episode this was to rant on?! I was hoping for a decent romp of the template of In Search of Ancient Blunders and it sucked and blew badly. A lot of animation mistakes from Wang Films; almost on par with a Ruby-Spears episode did a lot of damage along with a half dozen logic breaks and of course they just had to try to get Monty over again and fail as usual. No matter what Dale did; he couldn't help the poor writing and midget villain Wexler not suck. Just because he has Ed Wexler's name sake doesn't make it a good character and it showed. Wexler was a schemer and nothing more. Hiram had little character development and look like a gimmick rather than a character. Neat name; but a total wuss with no sympathy for me. And then there were the ultra stupid spots build around Hiram. Seriously; a hat makes him shatter a window and go out of a running train?! A red bus comes out of nowhere with no reason how they got the red bus back in the first place? Crockery was nothing but another yelling old man that was more useless than the one in The Luck Stops Here which had much better plotting and writing. Plus; it had Gadget as the focus character who needed the episode so badly. If Dale hadn't redeemed himself somewhat near the end; we would have our first DUD episode of DTVA. Worse yet; this series couldn't afford another thumbs down episode in the reality that the series has already taken a turn similar and faster than Ducktales did during the Bubba Duck era...and at least that series had Gizmo Duck to save it. I just hope the next four episodes I rant on are a lot better than this because I'm staring at the prospect of having this show as worse than Darkwing Duck in spite of the negative star episode that show got. So; I would say......
Thumbs way the hell down for this episode and I'll see you next time.
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