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The Balooest Of The Bluebloods Transcript
Written: 11/07/2015
Updated:
10/07/2021
Act I
Scene I
(Sky shot of the docks of Higher For Hire as the SeaDuck starts it's engines. The props begin to spin as Rebecca comes out of the Higher For Hire office. Rebecca runs over to the docks. )
Rebecca Cunningham: Baloo, where are you sneaking off to? I've got cargo to deliver. You gotta help me! I'm in a jam. (The side window opens and Baloo's arm come out.)
Baloo Von Bruinwald XIII: Aw, Becky; I gotta help Louie. He's in a jam, too. Hoo hoo. A jam session! I promised to play bongoes in the Aloha Band. (Baloo shows off a pair of bongoes.)
Rebecca: You're always helping Louie. Why not me?
Baloo: 'Cause Louie asked nicely. He gives me lots of what give me none of: Respect.
Rebecca: I give you all the respect due to a guy who's always partying, always broke, and who's never gonna amount to anything. (The engines stop and Baloo comes out wearing an peach/cherry/white trim dress with a fruit salad on his head, with golden earrings with his bongoes.)
Baloo: Aw, what do you mean?!
Stork Furry: Ahem. Hmmm. (We see a stork furry wearing a brown trenchcoat, green bowtie and hat examining Baloo. Tuts.)
Baloo: What's with you buddy? Never seen a set of bongoes before?! (Baloo walks over to the stork. The stork gives Rebecca his business card.)
Rebecca: "Austin Featheridge of the law firm: Featheridge, Featheridge and Nowinsky"? (Austin is examining Baloo's mouth and teeth.)
Austin Featheridge: I am looking for a certain gentleman. (Baloo sticks out his tongue.)
Rebecca: Have you ever come to the wrong place. (Rebecca folds her arms as Baloo is not amused.)
Austin: I think not. (Austin snaps his fingers. Austin walks off stage right as Baloo and Rebecca follow him. They then stop and notice Austin and a badger furry wearing a black tuxedo and the same color bowtie as Austin, which changed from green to grey, standing in front of a limo. The badger butler like furry is holding something covered in a black cloth.)
Butler: Striking resemblance, sir.
Austin: Yes, Hans. I believe our search is over. (Rebecca and Baloo walk towards Hans and Austin.) Madam, before you stands a member of royalty. The bluest of bluebloods. The long lost thirteenth Baron of Bruinwald! (Austin takes the cover off to show a statue of Baloo's head with olive leaves in his ears.)
Rebecca: Him?
Baloo: Me?
Austin: (Points at some general direction towards Baloo.) You! You, sir; are now fabulously wealthy.
Baloo: Ha-uh! (Gulps.) How fabulous?
Austin: (walks by noticing the SeaDuck.) Oh, you could easily buy this airplane, say; a thousand times over. (Baloo's eyes go green with greed.)
Baloo: I'm rich! (Disney Captions claims that he merely gabbles. He laughs as Hans comes over with a fez hat and a red robe with purple trim.)
Hans: If I may, sir... (Baloo gives the bongoes, fruit salad hat, dress and two coconuts to Rebecca.)
Rebecca: Now, wait a minute! (Rebecca throws everything down.)
Hans: If it's not to your liking, sir; your tailor will be happy to make you another dozen or so when we get home. (Hans moves Baloo over to the limo.)
Baloo: Home?
Hans: To your castle, sir.
Rebecca: Castle?
Hans: Six hundred fifty rooms, madam.
Baloo: (Gets into the limo.) Six hundred and...Well, now! (Baloo notices a table filled with a white cloth and plates of cookies, pies and cupcakes with brown icingand cherries on top; along with a bottle suspended in water in a metal container. The door closes as we see that there is a lot less cookies on the plate; and the cupcakes have pink icing with cherries on top. Baloo takes all the goodies and eats them as there is knocking on the side door of the limo. Baloo pushes a button on the side door and the window comes down to show Rebecca with his arms folded not amused by this.) Hmmm. So, I'm never gonna amount to anything, huh? (Laughs.) Oh, baby; am I gonna love this! Heh. (Upper class accent.) Home, Hans! (The limo starts to leave as Rebecca runs after it.)
Rebecca: But you can't leave! What about your job? (Rebecca steps onto a groove on the limo as the phone rings from the back. Baloo answers the phone as it's Hans on the other end driving the limo.)
Hans: Barons don't have jobs, sir. You'll never have to work another day as long as you live.
Baloo: Sorry, Becky. You heard the man, I'm gone! Solid gone! Heh heh. Go hire yourself some other chimp...
Hans: That's chump, sir. (Rebecca gets off the groove of the limo and the limo speeds away stage right.)
Rebecca: But what about my cargo?! (Rebecca gets overwhelmed by dust and coughs.)
Baloo: Stick it in your ear!
Rebecca: Baloo!
Scene II
(Shot of the top of a castle as creepy music and owl sounds ensue. Pan back as the castle is over a cliff as there is a pathway to the castle with a metal marker with a B letter on it. The limo drives on as we cut to a back FPS shot of Hans driving with Baloo in the backseat. Hans picks up the phone.)
Hans: Castle Von Bruinwald, sir. (Baloo presses his hands on the glass in the back.)
Baloo: Wow! My chapeau! (Cut to a fence with a golden gate opening as the castle is surrounded by a a concrete barrier and contains the most complex form of hedges known to mankind. The limo drives in.)
Hans: That's "chateau", sir. (There is a fountain on the cul-de-sac driveway with a statue of a Bruinwald prancing. The limo stops as the doors open and Baloo pokes his head out.)
Scene III
(Head inside the dining room with bear like armored knights with axe spears. There is candlesticks, golden domes, a chandelier, a wagon like tray and two seats on each end. Baloo is sitting on the far one. Thunderclaps ensues along with lightning outside the mansion. We see Hans beside Baloo sitting down.)
Baloo: Mm-hmm! I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
Hans: If you wish, sir; I can put that on the menu tomorrow. (Baloo gets his knife and fork ready as Hans claps his hands. Hans is wearing Mickey Mouse's gloves.) Helga! (Clock strikes as Baloo looks at the grandfather clock and despite striking on the hour; the clock reads 7:20 pm. Baloo looks confused as Helga appears (A shrew furry with a grey maid dress, white apron and a wooden leg wheeling in a tray with a grey platter covered with a metal dome.)
Helga: (German accent.) Baron, I have prepared the Von Bruinwald family favorite. (Helga comes over to the end of the table and places the covered plate onto the table. Baloo opens the cover to reveal a small warthog with an apple in it's mouth, complete with lettuce, mushrooms, and tomatoes as garnish. Baloo sniffs at the warthog and it wakes up looking rabid. Cut to Hans and Helga coming to each other as Baloo is having a brawl with the warthog off screen as it is squealing. Baloo sits on top of the platter with the dome slammed down.)
Baloo: WHOA! Heh heh. Maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought.
Helga: Oh, ach! I'm sorry, sir. All the other barons like their meat rare. (Helga shows off her teeth as thunderclaps ensue.)
Baloo: Don't you have any regular food? (Baloo jumps down to his chair.) Uh, cheeseburgers? French fries? (The warthog pops for a second before Baloo puts the dome down on him again.) How about some cookies? Cake? Uh, uh; A triple-thick malted with extra fudge?
Hans: (Helga runs off stage left.) Ah, now I understand, sir. You wish to have dessert. (Helga returns with a smaller plate and a pink Easter egg like dome.)
Baloo: Now we're talkin'! (Baloo rubs his hands as Helga puts the plate on the table. She slides away the larger plate with the warthog away and it smashes into the wall. Helga lifts the dome to reveal a chocolate bear. Baloo takes his knife and fork.)
Helga: Ach! But allow me, Baron. (Helga has a knife of her own as she raises it up and thunderclaps ensue. She cuts the chocolate head bear right off it's shoulders as Baloo picks it up.)
Baloo: (Gulps.) Not sure if I want that, either.
Hans: Of course not, sir. Dessert is properly served flambeed! (Hans strikes a match from a book of matches. This was cut from Toon Disney and the second quote was moved to Hans lighting the chocolate bear on fire.) Bon Appetit. (That line was also muted. Hans and Baloo bail in opposite directions.)
Baloo: WHOA! (Baloo finds a squirt bottle on the wheel in tray and uses it to put out the fire as we see nothing but melted chocolate on the plate.)
Hans: Terribly sorry, sir. Can't imagine how it could... (Hans and Helga help up a shaking and teeth chattering Baloo up to his feet. ) May I bring something else, sir?
Baloo: Kind of lost my appetite.
Scene IV
(Sky shot of Baloo's personal bathtub which is equal to a fairly large swimming pool. The doors are shaped like spades and there are bear and B symbols engraved on the floor around the bathtub. There are six golden fountains and spouts around the bathtubs. The pool is full of suds as we see Baloo resting on a small, white motorboat wearing a blue uniform and a white marine hat.)
Baloo: Oh, boy! If only Becky could see this. Hey, I almost forgot! The SeaDuck. (Baloo is resting on a pink pillow with golden trim. Baloo picks up the phone (Yes, there is a phone on his small motorboat.) and dials. Cut to outside the office of Higher For Hire. The phone rings as Rebecca answers it.)
Rebecca: Higher For Hire. (We head inside the office with Rebecca at her desk not looking amused.)
Baloo: (Upper class accent.) Hello, Miss Cunningham? Baron Von Bruinwald here.
Rebecca: What do you want, Baloo? (Cut back to the bathtub in the suddy area of the pool as a fin of a shark swims out of the suds.)
Baloo: I thought we might discuss me purchasing my plane over dinner at my place. Hmm?
Rebecca: (Shark circles Baloo's motorboat.) No sale.
Baloo: We're havin' peasant under glass.
Rebecca: That's pheasant! Look, you don't need me; I don't want your money, so take your invitation and... (The shark dives underneath the water and then dive up and bumps into the motorboat.)
Baloo: YIKE!! (Jaw snapping ensues.)
Rebecca: Baloo, what's going on?
Baloo: Ah, ah, the water got a little hot. Uh...Call you back. (Baloo hangs up on Rebecca. Cut to the shark with his mouth open and trying to eat Baloo as Baloo struggles and stutters to wedge himself out of the shark's mouth.) Hans! Hans! (Baloo wedges himself out and lands on the motorboat. The shark chases Baloo as Baloo kicks the motorboat forward complete with motorboat sounds. He gets cut off by the shark as it sounds like a hissing monster from The Mighty Hercules cartoon. Baloo produces a rubber duckie and tries to give it to the monster.) Er, have some of this d-duck? (The shark snaps as Baloo squeezes the toy and then bails stage left. The shark bites the duck and Baloo loses his beret as the shark follows him stage left. Baloo is kicking backwards with the motorboat riding backwards. The shark follows around as Baloo makes a U turn; and then the shark leaps causing Baloo's motorboat to crash into the edge of the pool, sending Baloo flying into the air and land on the floor of the pool area.) HANS! A shark! (Hans is right beside him with his red/purple robe and fez hat as Baloo is pointing looking all wet with torn clothes.)
Hans: Impossible, sir. No sharks have been sighted in this part of the castle...(Hans dresses up Baloo off-screen)...Well, since the second baron. (Hans takes the torn clothes and tuts.)
Baloo: What do you mean...(Tuts. Hans throws the clothes away.)
Hans: Perhaps, Baron; no one told you about the...Von Bruinwald family curse. (Hans shows off his teeth as we head outside for more thunderclaps. Cut to Baloo looking stunned as we get flashing lights and then the lights go out.)
Scene V
(Down a dark hallway inside the castle with pictures of various barons who all look like Baloo doing various things in formal gear. Hans walks down with Baloo, carrying a lit candle.)
Hans: Each of your ancestors expired -- under peculiar circumstances. (Hans sighs.) Oh, dear.
Baloo: (Hans looks at one of the paintings.) What do you mean, "Oh, dear"?
Hans: I was just remembering the fourth baron.
Baloo: What happened to him?
Hans: The electric eel soup didn't agree with him. Shocking, sir. (Hans walks over to one of the painting showing one of the barons playing piano.) And then there was the sixth baron. He was taking his evening stroll on the parapet when he slipped on a pat of butter, fell and... (Thunderclaps ensues again. Baloo jumps onto the floor shaking. Hans notices him and then Baloo gets up.)
Baloo: Aw, that's a lot of mumbo-jumbo. There's no such thing as curses. Come on! Where's the kitchen? I'm hungry. (Baloo dusts himself off.)
Hans: This way, sir. (Hans and Baloo walk off stage left as we get a closeup of a WW1 army general baron painting which has moving eyes.)
Scene VI
(Shot of Hans and Baloo walking down brick steps as there are ropes and at least one window shaped like a steeple cross.)
Hans: Watch your step, sir. (Baloo stops and a slicing device swings down barely touching Baloo's rear end before swinging up. Baloo panics.)
Baloo: What was that?!
Hans: What was what, sir? (Baloo turns around and the slicing device almost gets Baloo again. Baloo turns around scared.)
Baloo: YAHA! Hans, I was almost sliced! (Baloo holds himself and shakes.)
Hans: Strange you should mention it, sir. The same thing happened to the seventh baron on that very spot. (Hans walks down and Baloo follows him, holding onto Hans' shoulders. Hans opens a door and we head inside the castle's kitchen area.) The kitchen, sir. (Baloo looks in as we notice on a bakery shelf; there was mugs and other such stuff; including a plate filled with pink icing cupcakes. Baloo goes over to the shelf and licks his chops.)
Baloo: Mm, baby! (Baloo munches on one cupcake.)
Hans: Oh, my! (Baloo manages to eat all the cupcakes at once off-screen as there is one cupcake in Baloo's hand.)
Baloo: What do you mean, "Oh, my"?
Hans: The ninth baron popped off by choking on a cupcake. (Baloo stops and off-screen spits and vomits all the cupcakes slightly off-screen. Then he turns around.)
Baloo: I'm not crazy about devil's food anyway.
Hans: Will there be anything else, sir?
Baloo: (Walks over to the icebox.) No. I'll just take a little trip through the icebox. (Baloo opens the icebox and starts raiding it.)
Hans: Have a safe journey...sir. (Hans closes the door. Cut back to Baloo raiding the icebox; taking out a turkey.)
Baloo: Oh, yeah! This is what I call... (A gullotine slices down, missing Baloo.) A killer snack! (Baloo runs to the door; but the trapdoor opens to cut him back; but Baloo doesn't go through it. Kitchen utensils go flying and missing Baloo. Baloo runs to the stove and the oven opens to emit a flamethrower, nearly crisping Baloo's behind. Baloo screams. Baloo runs into the kitchen utensil island and gets whacked before running stage right. Wine bottles pop their corks as objects come out of toasters. Baloo gabbles.) Ewww, oh no! WHA! (Baloo runs in circles as object flying towards him.)
End of Act I At 9:51
Act II
Scene I
(More objects fly in the kitchen as they miss Baloo. Baloo screams and manages to run out of the kitchen (despite the trapdoor) and up the stairs as spears and knives are thrown at Baloo. Baloo runs into his bedroom and shuts the door behind him. He locks the door with four locks. Baloo whimpers.)
Baloo: Oh, no! (Baloo throws various objects at the door to barricade the door even more. Baloo moves a wooden closet to the door. Baloo finds his conveniently placed pilot's cap and runs. He slides underneath the bed as the phone cord forces the phone down onto the floor. Baloo whimpers as he dials the telephone.)
Rebecca: Higher For Hire.
Baloo: (Stutters.) Becky?
Rebecca: Who is this?
Baloo: It's me, Baloo. (Cut to the office with Rebecca at his desk.)
Rebecca: Oh, you mean the fabulously weathly Baron Von Bruinwald?
Baloo: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You gotta help me.
Rebecca: You walk out on me and want me to help you?
Baloo: Becky, I'm sorry, I'm sorry; but I'm in big trouble. I'm..(Gulps.)...cursed. (Thunderclaps ensue.)
Rebecca: (Yawns.) Tell me something I don't already know. (Yawns.)
Baloo: No, no, I'm serious. Somethin's tryin' to get me! I-I was down in the kitchen and...and...and...and..Oh, no! It's the curse! (Sobs.) It's tryin' to get in! Ahhaha. Becky, come quick, come! Bring Wildcat, bring anybody! I'm beggin' you. Help! HELP! (Baloo hangs up on Rebecca.)
Rebecca: Baloo? Hello? (Rebecca pushes the buttons on the phone.) Baloo, are you there? (Cut back to the castle as more thunderclaps ensue. Cut back to the bedrom as Baloo shakes underneath the bed and watches as someone is trying to open the door. The key (out of nowhere) pops out of the keyhole and then the door is slightly ajar as a crowbar is used. Baloo gets up and breaks a pillar from the bed and Baloo jumps onto the bed, allowing the canopy to collapse and land right on Baloo as the other pillars break.)
Baloo: HELP! (Cut to the door as the door swings open and it's Hans and Helga with crowbar and candle in night outfits.)
Hans: You screamed, sir?
Baloo: Yeah, yeah. I gotta yell my head off to get any service around here. Where were you?
Helga: Uh, down in the kitchen...Um...downstairs, Baron. (Helga puts down the crowbar.) Setting traps. We have a problem with...(Hans elbows her.)...with rats.
Hans: Is there anything you require, sir?
Baloo: Yeah. Make up the ghost....err..guest room. We're havin' company. I hope. (Baloo stands up.)
Scene II
(Outside the castle grounds as a taxi has arrived and both Rebecca and WildCat are out of the taxi. The taxi drives away.)
WildCat Puma: Wow!
Rebecca: Yeah, double wow! (Rebecca and WildCat walk up the left side of the stairs; although the far shot made them miss the stairs.)
WildCat: If he's this rich, how come he needs us? (Rebecca and WildCat make it to the door.)
Rebecca: I don't know, but if this is a trick he's gonna need a hospital! (Rebecca knocks on the wooden knocker on the door. Hans opens the door.)
Hans: Ah, Miss Cunningham and Mr. WildCat. Welcome to our humble house. (Hans lets Rebecca and WildCat walk in. Hans takes their luggage and walks off. Baloo runs in and shuts the doors and lock them from the inside. He is also back in his regular gear for no reason at all. Baloo runs to Rebecca and WildCat.)
Baloo: Oh, thank goodness you're here! You gotta protect me! (Baloo begging for forgiveness.) The curse got the first twelve barons and...(Gulps.)...I'm number thirteen. (Baloo's head shakes.)
Rebecca: Give me one reason I should help you. (Rebecca folds her arms.)
Baloo: Heh, uh...'Cause we're pals?
Rebecca: Gimme a better reason.
Baloo: 'Cause if you go...(Baloo makes the cut throat sign.)...I go.
Rebecca: Okay, okay! We'll protect you from the big, bad boogey monsters.
WildCat: Hey, not to worry. With us here, you're gonna be just fine. (WildCat goes over to Hans.) Hi. (Whispers.) Where's the bathroom?
Hans: On the top of the stairs. Second right after the third left, sir.
WildCat: (Whispers.) Thanks. And I mean it, bud. (WildCat turns and walks up the stairs.)
Scene III
(Head to the dining room as Baloo and Rebecca take the end chairs at the table. Rebecca sits down in her seat.)
Rebecca: Well, what's for dinner? (Baloo is checking his chair as the back of the chair has a stylized cross on it.)
Baloo: Balooed strudel, if I don't watch out! This joint's full of booby traps.
Rebecca: "Booby" is right! (Baloo sits on the chair and then looks up to notice that the chandelier is above his head dangling in the wind. Baloo gets out of his chair which has changed into a diamond for no reason.)
Baloo: Uh, Rebecca; would you mind, um...switchin' places with me?
Rebecca: Oh, okay. (Rebecca gets up from her seat and it's a diamond back now. Rebecca walks to the opposite side of the table, while Baloo walks to where Rebecca was sitting; but the chandelier is targetted above Baloo's head just the same. Baloo yells and sits in the seat. He grabs a conveniently placed metal bowl with a bottle in water on a pedestal. He throws the bottle and water out; then proceeds to put the chandelier on his head. Hans comes out with Helga as she wheels in a wooden tray on wheels containing a silver platter with metal dome on top.)
Hans: Dinner is served. (Baloo somehow finds a bottle squirter filled with water.)
Baloo: If it's a cake, call the fire department. (Hans has the tray now and it's next to Rebecca.)
Hans: Tonight; Helga has prepared the baron's favorite.
Rebecca: What's that?
Helga: Bavarian cupcakes. (Helga has the platter and opens the dome to reveal the pink icing with cherry on top cupcakes. Helga snorts. Baloo smashes the platter away and runs off yelling like a coward stage left out the doors. Head to a hallway up the stairs leading to seven entrances to various hallways. There is a rug containing a ten pointed star and a round gold circle in the middle. WildCat arrives from the stairs.)
WildCat: Two rights and three lefts, ta-dum...Or was it three rights and two lefts, ta-dum?
Scene IV
(Back in Baloo's bedroom as Baloo locks the door with at least eight different locks and then takes the key away. Baloo is in a brown shirt and pink night cap as he wipes his hands clean.)
Baloo: Ha! Let's see a curse get through that! (Baloo goes over to his bed and checks the pillow on the bed. On the wall; three candlesticks points directly at Baloo and unleash a triple flamethrower on his behind causing him to fly into the air and right into the book case. Baloo then gets spun around and into the hidden hallway. Baloo gets on his feet looking at the back of the bookcase as a ghost knight in armor approaches Baloo from behind. Baloo turns around and notices the knight with his sword going to cut Baloo in half. Baloo steps back and bumps into the bookcase and spins around back into his room.) WHOA! YAHHH! (Baloo screams and runs around in a disorganized fashion. The door has four of the same locks now instead of the eight locks used at the beginning of the scene as Baloo runs to the door and rips the door open to let himself out. Baloo runs in the hallway and into the next room, which has a Cupid/Romance/Love motif to it. Cut to Rebecca in bed wearing a pink hair net, pink robe, and wearing a mask over her eyes with a heart motif on it.)
Rebecca: Now what?!
Baloo: Uh, can I stay here?
Rebecca: No, you cannot stay here.
Baloo: (Shakes and stutters.) But it's spook central in my room. Ah, could we trade? (Rebecca gets out of bed.)
Rebecca: (Yawns) Anything to get some sleep. (Rebecca leaves the room.)
Baloo: Oh, thanks, Becky. You're a pal.
Rebecca: It's okay. (Yawns) See you later. (Rebecca closes the door.)
Scene V
(In a hallway with WildCat walking around.)
WildCat: Third right and then a left. It that my left or the hallway's? (WildCat turns left and disappears. Cut to inside the Cupid room as there are four golden cupid statues with bow & arrow pointing to the ground from the chandelier. There is a cupid statue on a column in the foreground and a piano containing a cupid statue in the background. Baloo puts a pillow on the bed and then checks under the bed.)
Baloo: Phew! Safe at last. (Baloo sits on the bed and his nightcap gets shot off by an arrow. Two more golden arrow hit the pillow. Baloo looks around as ten more cupid statues suddenly rise from the bookshelves. All of them fire their arrows as Baloo runs around in a disorganized fashion screaming.) REBECCA! HELP! (He runs into the hard camera as we cut back to Baloo's room as Rebecca wakes up yet again.)
Rebecca: (Groans.) If that curse doesn't kill him, I will. (Rebecca gets out of bed and goes inside Cupid's room with the mask off.) Baloo, would you please... (Rebecca looks around and then gasps in horror as Baloo is pined to the wall by golden arrow.)
Baloo: Help! (Rebecca turns to see a piano rolling straight at Baloo with a Cupid statue pointing his arrow straight towards Baloo's heart.) YAHAAA! (Rebecca manages to get Baloo loose from the wall and they both bail stage left into the hallway as the piano crashes into the wall.)
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. You are cursed!
Baloo: Oh, Becky; If I get outta here alive, I'm buyin' you a whole fleet of planes. (Baloo gets up.) Now, come on!
Rebecca: Wait a minute. Where's WildCat? (Cut back into the hallway with WildCat.)
WildCat: Okay. The square root of two left times three rights. And you put the decimal in...uh...in the middle, minus the first two lefts...
Scene VI
(Cut to a closeup shot of a candle light with Rebecca is walking around the living room next to the windows.)
Rebecca: WildCat! WildCat! (Cut to a hallway as we see Baloo dressed up as a knight in a suit of armor and a sword is standing next to the other suits of armor. Baloo takes a candlelight and starts walking away with sword in hand. He opens the helmet.)
Baloo: Psst! WildCat! (Cut to a dark hallway as Rebecca comes in looking around as she hears voices.)
Hans: That dumb bear's stupider than all his ancestors put together.
Helga: Patience, mein lieberchnitzel. We almost got him with the piano. (Rebecca then hears the walls.)
Hans: Father didn't have this much trouble with the twelveth baron. (Pan over inside the kitchen with Hans and Helga. Helga has an axe with her.)
Helga: Oh, don't worry, my strudelie-poo. He is the last of the Bruinwalds. Und when he is disposed of, the castle is ours! (She cackles with an evil cackle. Rebecca gasps twice and holds her mouth. Somehow Hans and Helga hear this and give themselves evil looks. Helga pulls a golden pot from the kitchen utensil island causing the stone wall to spin and in comes Rebecca on her belly yelling.) Well! I do so love it when guest drop in. (Helga pulls on a golden pan and that causes a trapdoor to open below Rebecca and she falls into a literal firey pit with an oven roaster. Rebecca screams as she grabs onto the roaster pan and spins around, causing her to tie herself to the roasting sheet.) Und we insist you stay for dinner! (Hans and Helga look down as Helga cackles once again while snorting like a warthog.) I love it! (Rebecca screams.)
End of Act II At 15:58
Act III
Scene I
(Cut to inside the hallway with Baloo in a suit of armor with sword and candlelight in hand walking slowly. Baloo hears Rebecca screaming.)
Baloo: Becky? (More screaming as Baloo finds the entrance to the dumb waiter. He puts the sword and candle down and looks down.) Becky! (Baloo goes through the dumb waiter and screams as the dumb waiter crashes down into the kitchen. Baloo flops onto his feet; but the helmet is over his eyes and he cannot see.)
Hans: Oh, my! (Baloo crashes into Hans and Helga and flips the counter of potatoes and what appears to be a sandbag. Hans and Helga scatter as Baloo struggles with the helmet. Baloo babbles as Hans gets up with her axe as Baloo makes it to the edge of the firepit. Hans gets up and charges Baloo. Hans and Helga meet up as Helga now has a frying pan for no good reason. Baloo ducks and Helga whacks Hans in the head with the frying pan. Hans goes flying and crashes into a cupboard. Helga gets her frying pan and tries to hit Baloo again, but trips and falls as Baloo trips and falls onto a squeezer which squeezes a hose of chocolate into Helga and Helga goes flying into the cupboard, crashing into Hans. Baloo goes over and closes the cupboard doors and props the door with a stool.)
Rebecca: HELP! (Baloo turns around and brings a rope down as Rebecca is still tied up to the roaster sheet.)
Baloo: You called, madame?
Rebecca: Oh, Baloo; thank goodness!
Scene II
(Cut to in the kitchen with Rebecca and Baloo on the floor with Baloo handling the rope.)
Rebecca: Thanks, Baloo! You saved my neck. Let's bust those bums! (Baloo goes over to the cupboards and opens them to reveal that they have escaped through the back wall into another hallway.)
Baloo: They escaped!
Helga: But you won't! (Cut to Helga and Hans on the other side of the kitchen welding a knife and an axe.)
Hans: Charge! (Hans and Helga run towards Baloo and Rebecca. Baloo and Rebecca scream and run away stage right. Panic cries ensue as Baloo and Rebecca run out of the kitchen, out of the dining room, out of the entrance and go down the stairs. They run towards the golden gate as Helga is at the wall and flips a switch on the wall. Baloo touches the gate and it electrifies Baloo. Baloo yells and drops down; forcing Rebecca to grab him. Baloo has the same eyes as when he said that he was rich and his red nose is glowing red and buzzing. Baloo gasps and snaps out of it.)
Baloo: We're trapped! Now what do we do? (Cut to the hallways with WildCat.)
WildCat: Three lefts and then right. If you got wart...leaves one left, right? Uh, no. No, left. Okay, okay, okay...
Scene III
(Cut to Helga and Hans walking in the driveway looking for Baloo and Rebecca.)
Helga: They're not going anywhere, my lieberfitzel. We'll find'em. And when we do... (Helga makes a slicing sound around her neck to imply that she is going to behead Baloo and Rebecca.)
Hans: Oh, I love it when you talk cutlery. (Helga walks forward with Hans close behind.)
Helga: Ooh! Hansie! (Helga giggles as we go over to the hedges and see Baloo and Rebecca's head pop from them.)
Baloo: You just can't get good help these days. They're fired! (Rebecca covers Baloo's mouth.)
Rebecca: They won't quit till you're kaput! They're after your castle!
Baloo: Hey, they can have the castle. I just want to get outta here alive! (Rebecca ponders this over.)
Rebecca: I've got a plan. The only way to get you out of here alive is...{Pointing at Baloo's nose.}...to kill you! (Rebecca pokes Baloo's nose.)
Baloo: Bad plan.
Rebecca: Trust me. I've been waiting for this for a long time.
Scene IV
(Sky shot of Hans and Helga looking around on the driveway. They look into hedges.)
Baloo: Oh, no! I'm a goner! (We hear glass shattering sounds as we hear a thud sound as Helga meets Hans.)
Helga: Arck! I think that sounded like the baron. (We cut to a sky shot in front of the stairs as there is broken glass around Baloo who is flat on his belly and appears to be dead. Hans and Helga rush over to him.)
Hans: I can't believe it! He fell out the window! (We see that Hans is looking at the broken window; and it's clear that a rock was thrown into the window.)
Helga: Oh, wieberfetzel! The least he could have done is let us push him. (Helga hugs Hans as Rebecca walks in wearing a black suit that is too big for her, a fake mustache, and a top hat.)
Hans: Who are you?
Rebecca: (Male voice.) Fritz Knedlhoffer, county undertaker.
Helga: Undertaker? You called the undertaker?
Hans: I thought you did!
Helga: Oh, who cares? We needed him anyway. (Rebecca checks Baloo's pulse and checks her watch.) Uh, is he...Uh, could he be...
Rebecca: I'm afraid so. Are there any relatives?
Helga: Uh, no. He's all yours! (She snickers as Rebecca, Hans and Helga grab Baloo and carry him away.) The Von Bruinwalds always were tubs of lard.
Rebecca: I guess it's all that fine cookin'. (Baloo's tongue was sticking out; but his eye opened and closed for a moment. They place him in the wheelbarrow, stomach first and Rebecca drops a black cloth over his head as Hans and Helga dance back to the castle, so happy.)
Helga: YAY! The castle's ours!
Hans: My little lederhosen. Schatzi! (Cut back to Baloo as he wakes up angry with the black cloth off.)
Baloo: That tub of lard can't call me a tub of lard. Doesn't she know who I am? (Enter Austin Featheridge and two otter police officers who look like twins; only one has a brown mustache and one has a peach mustache.)
Austin: Baron Von Bruinwald?
Baloo: Hey, just in time. Arrest those two! (Pointing to the dancing Hans and Helga.)
Austin: On what charge? (Austin has a smoking pipe with him.)
Rebecca: Attempted murder!
Baloo: And bad cookin'!! (The two police officers rush in and simply arrest Hans and Helga without a struggle. Baloo and Rebecca look at each other. Sighs.) Becky...Uh, thanks for savin' my bacon. And speakin' of food...(Upper class accent.) We're having fish eggs and franks in the south west drawing room. Would milady care to join me?
Rebecca: I'd love to! (Baloo and Rebecca are about to go in; but the police cut him off.)
Austin: Not so fast! There is a curse on the Von Bruinwalds. Three hundred years' worth of back taxes.
Baloo: So? I'll write you a check. Mere truffles.
Rebecca: That's trifles.
Austin: Hardly. The amount is five hundred million and one dollar and eighty nine cents. We're repossessing your entire estate. (Baloo gabbles.) Which is only worth five hundred million dollars. You owe a buck eighty-nine. (Austin flutters his eyeballs as Baloo groans and faints dead away right on the wheelbarrow.)
Scene V
(Shot of the kitchen inside Rebecca's apartment as Baloo is sitting down at the table with fries on a plate on the table. Rebecca comes in with a cheeseburger.)
Rebecca: Your cheeseburger, sir.
Baloo: (Upper class accent.) A French fry for milady? (Rebecca sits down at the table as Baloo offers Rebecca a fry. Baloo takes the cheeseburger and licks his chops.) Becky, your cookin' beats that rich folk good any day. (Rebecca is munching on fries.)
Rebecca: Thanks! (Chuckles.) But you know...I have this nagging feeling we forgot something. (Rebecca is munching on another fry and then realizes what she forgot.)
Baloo/Rebecca: Oh, no! (Cut to outside the mansion.)
WildCat: Lean to the left, you lean to the right. And you stand up, sit down, Jack; fight the fight! No, wait; I got it...
End of Episode At 21:22
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